Beau
“Come on, Maisy. Let’s go.” I kicked the filly in the flanks to get her to gallop faster. The wind was cold on my face as we raced across one of the fields, but I didn’t care. I needed this time alone with nature. “Whoa, girl.” I brought the reins in, slowing her down as we made our way into a darker part. I didn’t want her to hurt herself, and I didn’t want for us to drift too close to one of the small tributaries.
Olivia had looked beautiful in her bedroom when they were getting ready to go out. I’d seen the look of surprise and hurt in her eyes as I said I couldn’t hang out with them later, but I didn’t have anything to say to her. All day, I’d been preoccupied with the news that my mother had given me. All I could think about was my dad and his surgery and what could possibly happen. The fact that I couldn’t share it with anyone made it worse.
I rode and rode until I got to one of the log cabins, where I tied up my horse and went inside. I looked around for a whiskey bottle that we kept up there and grabbed it, unscrewed the cap, and chugged directly from the bottle as I sat down on one of the Adirondack chairs. I should start a fire, I thought to myself. I heard something rustling in the corner—probably a rat. The place needed to be cleaned, but I’d worry about that later.
I took another chug of the whiskey. Thoughts of Olivia crossed my mind. She’d had some good ideas for the cabins, but I hadn’t been able to focus on them. I didn’t care about wallpaper or floor or paint colors, not at a time like this. It wasn’t important. It wasn’t as important as life and death.
I could feel the alcohol going to my head. I hadn’t eaten dinner, and that had been a mistake. I didn’t care. I chugged some more of the whiskey.
What was I going to do if my dad died? My brothers would be absolutely devastated that I hadn’t told them what I knew, but I couldn’t go back on my word to Mom. I knew she had gone against her word to Dad to tell me, and I had to honor her request. If my dad got back and thought that all of us knew, he’d be really upset. He wouldn’t blame my mom, but I knew he wouldn’t like it. He obviously wanted to shield us from the worry, from the pain and the concern, and I understood why, but I really wished he would be more open about what’s going on.
But I suppose that’s where I got it from. I was strong because of my dad. I emulated my dad, and he was one that kept everything to himself. He took the world on his shoulders. Maybe that hadn’t been the right thing for him to do. Maybe he should’ve let others in. I didn’t know. I didn’t care about anything right now. I couldn’t even think. I couldn’t concentrate on anything.
I wanted Olivia. I wanted to hold her close and kiss her, tell her about my dad and have her presence as comfort. I wanted to feel her warm body against me, holding me close. I wanted to cry in her arms. I wanted to tell her that just because a man was tall and strong and masculine, it didn’t mean that he didn’t have feelings and hurts and pains and worries and anxieties. But I couldn’t put all of that on her. I couldn’t put any of that on her. She didn’t deserve to carry the burdens of my life. She didn’t deserve the emotional turmoil that I was going through. I was the strong one, and I was meant to be the protector. Not the one that needed protecting. Not the one with the fragile heart. But my heart felt like it was going to break.
“Damn it, Dad, you have to be okay!” I shouted into the cabin. “You have to be okay!” I took another chug of the whiskey, long and deep. It filled my throat and burned in my stomach.
I jumped up off the chair and ran outside. “You have to be fucking okay, Dad!” I screamed into the night sky. An owl hooted from one of the trees behind me, and I started laughing.
Who was I? What was I? I was this close to falling apart, and yet I was supposed to run the ranch? I was meant to ensure that thousands of people were able to provide for their families, and yet I couldn’t even deal with the fact that my dad was going to the hospital with a heart issue. He hadn’t even died, but the anticipation, the apprehension, that was almost as bad as hearing the news that he had died.
And my mom, she would collapse. She’d break down if my dad was gone. She’d still be happy day to day, and she’d still make sure that everyone else was okay, but I knew her heart would be broken. He was her rock. He was the rock of the family; who was I to think I could take over that role? I was no one.
“God,” I shouted into the night sky, “you have always blessed me and been here for me. I’m asking you for one favor. Please let my dad be okay. Please let him get through this surgery. Please, God, I’m not asking anything else of you. Please.”
I started running then. I ran as fast as I could toward the creek. I wouldn’t stop until I got there.
Though my running was disjointed, and I was tired and slightly drunk, I made it to the water and I dived in, not even bothering to take off my shoes. The water was freezing on my skin, and my clothes clung to me. I got out of the creek and started laughing hysterically again. What a fine state I was in.
“Olivia,” I whispered, “have fun tonight, but not too much fun.” I wanted to rush back to the ranch and tell her that I wanted to dance with her. And I hated dancing, but I figured she was the sort of woman that liked dancing. All women like dancing.
I wanted to spin her around and around and around and then hold her from behind and bump and grind into her. I wanted to feel her hands all over my body as I kissed her.
I couldn’t stop thinking about her. She was captivating, bewitching, beguiling, beautiful. I thought about the previous night and the way she’d felt when I’d moved inside her. I needed to be inside her again, but it wouldn’t be tonight. I didn’t know when it would be. I had far too much on my mind, far too much to think about.
I’d have to call the architecture firm in the morning and start with the plans for the eco-retreat, then I would call the tractor dealership because we needed some new combine harvesters. And then I’d call the vet because we needed him to come in and check some of the cows. And then I’d call the bank to see if there was any update on the loan. I had a lot to think about. I had a lot to do. Fucking Olivia should be the last thing on my mind. She had to be the last thing on my mind.
I stumbled back toward the cabin. I needed to get home and take these clothes off. I hoped the women were gone already, because I couldn’t stand to see Olivia looking all sexy, going out to a bar where she’d inevitably flirt with men who weren’t me and who might not treat her with the respect and kindness she deserved. Would she flirt back? Would she giggle? Would she kiss them? My heart felt like stone as I thought about her kissing someone else. But she wasn’t mine. If she wanted to kiss them, she could. If I saw, I’d punch the guy she kissed, but it’s a good thing I wouldn’t see.
I hauled myself back onto my horse and rode back to the ranch. All of the lights were out, and I couldn’t hear any giggling. The women must have gone already. I headed to my room and took a quick shower before going to the study. I had to work on the books. I’d do that now, and then I’d go to bed.
* * *
I sat up. It was six o’clock in the morning, and I was still in the study at the desk. I must’ve fallen asleep here. I got up and stretched my limbs. Everything felt sore. I groaned and sat back down. I heard a nose in the corridor and walked out. Mom and dad were leaving with two small suitcases. I stared at them from my doorway without saying anything. It felt odd to not rush over to them and whisper goodbye and good luck, but a part of me was too scared it would be some sort of bad omen. I walked back into the office and rubbed my forehead, saying a quick prayer for my parents before looking at my calendar and starting some of my admin duties.
“I guess there’s no time like the present,” I said as I picked up the phone. I’d call the architecture firm now. The people we were using were based on the East Coast, so their office should be open. I was waiting for someone to pick up when Austin poked his head into the room.
“Hey, bro, you coming to breakfast?”
“No,” I said, shaking my head. No one answered at the firm, and I hung up the phone. “I’ve got work to do.” I picked up the papers and showed him.
“Anything I can do to help?” He walked into the room and closed the door behind him.
“No,” I snapped.
“Hey, I’m just asking if I can help. What’s got you in a bad mood?” He frowned as he walked over to me. “Dude.”
“What?” I said.
“Have you been in here all night?”
“Maybe.” I shrugged. “I’ve been working. There’s a lot to do for the ranch, you know.”
“I know, but you don’t have to do it alone,” he said. “You know that, right?”
“I’m the one in charge, and every decision comes down to me.”
“Beau.” He frowned and pulled out his phone.
“What are you doing?”
“Hold on,” he said. His fingers flew over the phone, and then he put it back into his pocket. He came and sat in the chair across from the other side of the desk and he looked at me. “I’m worried about you, Beau. What the hell is going on?”
“What are you talking about?”
“Is this about Olivia?”
“Leave Olivia out of this. I don’t even know what you’re talking about.”
“Sure you don’t,” he said, rolling his eyes. “Sure you don’t. Look, dude. It’s—” The door opened then and Chet, Wyatt, Austin, Flint, Knox, and Huck all came into the study.
“What? What’s going on?” I looked up. I hadn’t seen Flint, Knox, and Huck in weeks. “You guys are back?”
“Yeah,” Knox said, nodding. “We got back last night.” He yawned. “And I’m tired.”
“Okay, and why are you all here?”
“Because Austin texted us and told us to get our asses into the study right now.”
“Lock the door,” Austin said to Wyatt. He was still standing next to it. He locked it and then came and stood around the desk.
“What’s going on, guys?”
“I don’t know,” Huck said, yawning as well. “Austin, why did you call us?”
“Oh, don’t tell me you’re getting married to Lucy today,” Chet drawled.
“No, it’s got nothing to do with Lucy,” Austin said and stood up. “Look, we’re all brothers, okay? We’re the Hamilton seven. We all love each other and we’re all here for each other. Right?” He looked at me, and then he looked at Chet, Wyatt, Flint, Knox, and Huck.”
All of us nodded.
“You did not wake me up for a pep talk,” Knox said.
Austin moved to stand next to me. “Beau here is stressing the fuck out, and we’re not going to let that happen. You’re not allowing us to help you, Beau. Remember, this is a family ranch. This is Horseshoe Ranch. This is not Beau Hamilton Ranch, okay?”
I laughed a little at his words. “I know it’s Horseshoe Ranch. I’m not stupid.”
“Has Beau been trying to steal our inheritance?” Huck said with a wicked grin on his face.
“It has nothing to do with the inheritance,” Austin said softly. “Beau, we all respect and understand that you make the final decisions, but we are your brothers and we’ve all been raised on this ranch as well. You don’t carry this alone. We’re all here, okay?”
I sighed. “Yeah, I get it.”
“Do you, though? Because you look like you’re stressed the fuck out, and the ranch shouldn’t be doing this to you. If it’s making you this miserable then we need to figure something out. You need to have balance. That’s all I’ve got to say.”
I so badly wanted to tell my brothers that it wasn’t the ranch that had me so stressed out. It was Dad, our dad. But I couldn’t break my word to Mom, and I understood why she didn’t want them to know. They’d be upset and they’d all be anxious. Dad was the stalwart. He was the glue of the family; the one who kept everything under control. We’d be devastated if we lost him.
“I got it, guys. Thank you. I will ensure that I do not do all the work myself,” I said.
“Okay. And then what are you going to do about Olivia?” Austin said.
“What?”
“Come on now, Beau.” Chet rolled his eyes. He looked over at the other. “So, guys, let me catch you up. Olivia is Lucy’s best friend. And you guys know Lucy. Well, Olivia came to visit Lucy, and guess who has a crush on her?”
I shook my head vehemently. “I do not have a crush on her.”
“You have more than a crush,” Austin said with a laugh. “I heard that they . . .” He made a sexual sound, and I glared at him.
“Really, Austin? How old are you?”
“Really, Beau? Why are you pretending like it didn’t happen?”
“Because that’s all it was, and I don’t want to make this a bigger deal than it should be. It was a one-time thing.”
“You don’t want to be with Olivia? Is that what you’re saying? And how am I supposed to tell my fiancée that you banged her best friend and now want nothing to do with her?”
“It’s not like that. I didn’t bang her. It’s not that I don’t want anything to do with her. This just isn’t the right time.”
“Really?” Austin said. “Why?”
“Because of the ranch.”
“We’re here to help you with the ranch,” Chet said. “You know that. I agree with Austin, Beau. You’ve been really stressing out about this whole thing. I know Dad put you in charge, and I know there’s a lot going on here, but we’re a family and we’ll get through this together, through thick and thin. We’re all here to help you out in any way that we can.”
“Yeah,” Wyatt said. “I may be the youngest, but I can work.”
“Okay,” I said. “Thanks, guys.” I stood up and we all put our arms around each other. It’d been a long time since we were all together. We’d grown up as a tight-knit group, and we all tried to make it for Sunday lunch, but recently, that hadn’t been able to happen with Flint, Knox, and Huck traveling around. But now they were home.
“It’s good to see everyone in the same room,” I said with a smile.
“We should have a big lunch tomorrow,” Austin said thoughtfully. “Sort of a welcome home lunch for everyone.”
“But Mom and Dad aren’t here,” I said.
“That’s okay,” Austin said. “Mom and Dad are in Seattle having fun.”
“Oh, they are?” Knox said. “I was wondering why I didn’t see Mom in the kitchen this morning. What are they doing in Seattle?”
“I think they’re on a second honeymoon or something.” Austin shrugged. “Do you know why they went, Beau?”
“Yeah, I think it was just to get away and have a fun trip,” I said quickly, not wanting them to suspect it was something more serious. “And that sounds like a good time. Let’s do a family brunch tomorrow. The women can cook and—”
“Don’t let Lucy hear you say that,” Austin said. “She’ll say, ‘What, are women the only ones that are meant to be in the kitchen?’”
“And I’d say yes,” Chet said, and we all groaned.
“And that is why you’re gonna be single forever,” Austin replied. “Okay, guys. Let’s leave Beau to get to work.” He looked over at me. “And it looks like some of you guys want to go back to bed.”
“I know I do,” Knox said with a yawn.
“Thanks,” I told them. “And maybe next week we can all have a big family meeting, and I can split up some of the duties and things that need to be done?”
“Sounds like a plan,” Wyatt said.
“Everyone in?”
“Yep,” all my brothers chorused.
As they walked out of the room, I felt my heart expanding in a way that it hadn’t in a long time. Austin was right. I did have my family, and I had to remember that. No man was an island. I couldn’t do this alone, and I didn’t have to. I was glad to have my brothers’ support.
And he was right about something else as well. Olivia did mean something to me. This whole thing had become far more complicated than it needed to be. I was hurting her and I was hurting myself, and for what reason? I’d have a talk with her and see if we could come to some sort of understanding and, well, maybe we could fuck afterward because I was feeling hard and horny, and that was something that wasn’t going to go away anytime soon.
However, I had a lot of work to do before I could talk to her. I needed to sort out a plan for my brothers and me, and then I would chat with Olivia tomorrow at brunch. I had a feeling that I might sneak into her room if I stayed at the ranch, so I decided to go to the log cabin for the rest of the day and night.