twelve

“Were you at the bridge?” My mom is standing in the front hall when I get in, arms folded, face unreadable.

“Yes. I just needed some thinking time.” I try to keep the irritation out of my voice.

“Was Ryan with you?” she asks.

“No!” The word comes out louder than I meant it to, but I hate it when she gives me the third degree, and I hate it worse that somehow she thinks I need to have Ryan with me whenever I go to the bridge.

“So, you were alone?” She makes it a question. Her face says that the answer is going to matter, but I’m not sure why. I have a quick internal debate over whether or not to tell her that Benjamin was there. I have a feeling that she would not see him as a valid replacement for Super Ryan.

“No. Benjamin came with me.” I’m tired of lying. Hiding. Whatever you want to call it.

“You two are becoming quite close.” She stares at me. I don’t think I like what I see in her eyes.

“He’s my friend. Like Ryan is.” I don’t know why I added that. Legitimizing Benjamin in my mother’s eyes by equating him with Ryan is not fair.

“Is he?” She folds her arms, tapping her fingertips on her elbow. It’s a familiar pose, the one she used to use when I was little and she knew I was lying about something, like whether or not I snuck a cookie before supper.

“Yes. Is there a problem here? Is there something you want to say about Benjamin?” I sound tough, but my insides are starting to shake. I don’t want to do this with her. I don’t want to hear that she doesn’t want me around Benjamin because the whole town probably knows he’s gay by now. I don’t want to know that she still wishes her son wasn’t gay, even though she says she’s cool with it when she’s trying to impress the counselor.

I don’t want to do this, but I’m going to. I have to. I fold my own arms and stand my ground, doing my best to stare her down.

She breaks eye contact, looking over my shoulder at the front door, as if it might have the answer written on it.

“People are talking about him. About you. At the restaurant.” I knew it.

“I’m not surprised. And?” Here it comes.

“And they’re saying that he’s gay. And that you’re gay. And that the two of you are…” She lets the sentence trail off as if the words are just too difficult to say. Or maybe she just doesn’t know what word to use when you’re talking about a couple that happens to be gay.

“I wish!” The words pop out unplanned, and her eyes whip back to mine.

“You wish? You wish for people to talk about you all over town?” Her voice is strained. I take a deep breath.

“No. Actually, I wish people would find something else to talk about. I wish people would leave me the hell alone and leave Benjamin the hell alone! I wish everyone had a brain in this town and could understand that it takes more than one kind of person to make a world. And I wish that I lived anywhere in that world but goddamn Thompson Mills!” I’m yelling by now and I don’t care.

“Jackson, you watch your language!”

“No, Mom. You watch your language. You stand there waiting for me to come home, all concerned. But not worried that something happened to me. Worried that someone happened to me. Well, someone did. And he’s great. He has been nothing but nice to me from day one. He’s someone I care about and who means something to me. Someone I wish I could mean something more to than just a friend. He’s never hurt anyone in this stupid town. And all you can say to me is that you’re worried about what people—ignorant, stupid people—are saying about me and my friend.”

She turns away abruptly and goes to sit down in the living room. I stay where I am.

“Jack. Mi corazón. Come, sit with me. I’m doing this all wrong. Once again.” When my mom is emotional, the Spanish that she worked so hard to hide from my father comes back. She rubs one hand over her eyes and then tries a shaky smile. I’m confused. I thought we were about to have a big fight. Did I win already?

I come and sit down beside her on the couch. She reaches over and takes my hand, rubbing her thumb across the back of it as she speaks.

“I’m afraid that you’ll be hurt. More hurt. The…talking had slowed down for a while. Then when this boy arrived, it all started up again. About him and about you. I worry about how it will affect you. And I’m afraid that you will get hurt.”

“I’m not going to let the words get to me this time. I’m sick of other people being allowed to mess up my life with their ignorance. Benjamin is teaching me that.”

“Matthew tried to tell you that many times.”

“But he never lived it, I don’t think. Benjamin is gay. Like me. He comes from a really different type of world than I do, but he’s still had to deal with his share of shi…stuff.” Mom smiles and touches my cheek.

“You have…feelings for this boy?”

“Yes. I do.”

She nods, trying so hard to be understanding instead of horrified that I can’t help smiling at her.

“It’s okay, Mom. I know this is hard for you to hear. But that’s kind of what this is all about. My feelings. When I have them for someone else, it’s going to be a boy. That’s the whole gay bit.”

“Lo sé!” she says indignantly. “Of course, I know. Young hearts break easily.” She puts one hand gently on my chest in the general region of my heart. “I don’t know if you are strong enough to handle it if he doesn’t…have feelings for you. Does he? Do you know?”

I look at her in something close to shock. Is this real? My mother is not upset because he’s a guy—she’s upset because she doesn’t want my heart to get hurt?

“No, I don’t really know how he feels. Not yet anyway. But I know that this stuff doesn’t always work out. You don’t have to worry. I’m ready for whatever happens.” I think. I hope.

“Mi querido niño. No one is ever ready for heartbreak. And you have had such trouble already.” She sniffles a little as she puts her arm around me.

“I’m okay. I’m not going to do anything stupid if this doesn’t work out. I know it might not. But I’ll figure it out. I have friends to talk to. Matthew is there, all up in my face once a week. And I have you.” Her eyes lock onto mine again, and she gazes into me for so long that I start to feel like she’s actually in there wandering around, reading my mind.

“You do have me. Always and forever. You do understand that now, right? I will never let you walk away from me again. I am your mother. Te amo.”

“Si, mama. Te amo también.”

And she folds me into a hug that feels almost as good as the one Benjamin gave me on the bridge.

Almost.

“I have to go do some work before school,” I tell her, to break the hug. She always buys that one.

“Of course. I’ll make you some breakfast in a bit.”

“I’m not…” I almost tell her not to bother, but then I realize that making me some food is probably something she’s doing for herself as much as for me. My mother likes to see people eat. Comfort food. Guess she picked the right career. “Sure, that would be great.” She gives me a kiss and a smile on her way to the kitchen as I go down to my bedroom.

I pick up my phone, checking the time and wondering if it’s a bad time to bug Clare. She’s probably getting ready for school by now and won’t appreciate my whining in her ear about Benjamin first thing in the morning.

If she’s busy, she can just ignore me though, right? Pretend she didn’t notice me?

“Hey, Jack. You’re up early.” She answers immediately, and I suddenly feel embarrassed calling her.

“Yeah, sorry. I should have waited until after school to bother you.”

“I told you before—you don’t bother me.”

“You aren’t sick of my sad little love life?” I try a self-deprecating smile.

“Not at all. My friend Sherry talks to me about hers every day, for about two hours. It’s a relief to talk to someone different and less…wordy.” She laughs.

“Yeah, well, that’s kind of why I’m calling. I got so wordy today that I’m afraid I messed up.” I cringe, thinking about my outburst on the bridge.

“With Benjamin, I’m assuming?”

“Yes. We were on the bridge today.”

“Oh.” She looks surprised for a second but then nods slightly. “Okay. You were on the bridge, and…?”

“We just got talking about…life, I guess, and all of a sudden I was babbling like an idiot and telling him everything about that day, and I ended up saying things I’d never said out loud before. Personal, personal stuff that he probably doesn’t need, or want, to hear from me this early in whatever it is we are to each other.”

“Getting personal is part of being friends.”

“Not this personal. I mean, I know he’d have heard about Ryan pulling me out of the water because it was news or whatever. And I know he heard the rumors that I was trying to…kill myself. But I didn’t want that to be who I am to him. I wanted to be something…someone different to him. Shit, I don’t know what I’m trying to say here.”

“That’s okay. Just take your time.”

“We don’t have much time seeing as we both have to go to school.”

“School can wait.” Clare gives me an incredibly gentle smile that reaches into my scrambled mind and helps me calm down a little. I take a deep breath and then try to push the words out in a way that makes sense.

“It’s just…my whole friendship with Ryan has always been so weird because of the ‘superhero rescues the weak victim’ routine.”

“No one thinks you’re weak, Jack.”

“That’s not true. Ryan does. Cody does. Most of the school does. I’m seen as the weak little guy who couldn’t handle my own shit and decided to take a header off the bridge, even though I actually walked into the water, a little fact that no one seems to care about. Anyway, regardless of how I got in there, everyone knows I did it. If your boyfriend hadn’t been there, I probably would have drowned.”

“If that had happened, it would have been terrible. Beyond.” She shudders a little.

Right after it happened, I thought the terrible thing was that I didn’t drown. That I had to stay here and keep fighting endless battles until I figured out another way to escape.

“For a while I hated Ryan for ruining my life by making me have to keep living it.” I surprise myself by saying the words out loud to her.

“But you don’t feel that way now, do you?” Clare looks so worried that I want to reach into the screen and give her a hug.

“No, I don’t. But I’m still not sure how to be strong enough to deal with everything.”

“You’re one of the strongest people I know. You have to be brave just to get through each day. Lucas and Caleb both think you’re a tough kid. They’ve told me that lots of times.”

“Really? That’s actually really cool coming from two guys who are older and definitely wiser than I am.”

“And I don’t see why Benjamin would think of you as weak.”

“I just feel like now he sees me as someone with problems, you know? Someone he wants to help. I don’t want to be that. I want to be someone he just wants to be with.”

“All you can do is talk to him.”

“I’m afraid I might have done too much of that already.”

“How did he seem?”

“What do you mean?”

“After you told him? Did he seem different with you? Did he run away screaming?” I laugh at her.

“No. Actually, he said he was proud of me. That I could talk to him anytime. I just hope that doesn’t mean he wants to be my therapist instead of my friend.” Instead of my boyfriend.

“Look at us. We talk all the time, but I’m your friend, right? Not your therapist. I know this because you don’t pay me anything, and real therapists make a shitload.” She grins, and I smile back.

“I guess you’re right. I just panicked.”

“Well, you wouldn’t be the first person to do that. Liking someone makes you nuts sometimes. Most of the time.”

“Does Ryan make you nuts?”

“Definitely. He’s so cute and nice and funny, but talking to him is like trying to talk to a wall sometimes. It’s hard enough to be in a long-distance relationship. It would be nice if he was more open. Like you.”

“Don’t say that to him. He’d tell me to stop talking to you.”

“Seeing as he isn’t the boss of who I talk to, that would not be a problem.”

“Maybe it will be easier for you next year when he moves to Bainesville.”

“I hope so. A year in the same city would be nice. Assuming he gets in. Did you get your acceptance letter yet?”

“No, but it should be soon. They said it would come by the end of March.”

“Well, I have my fingers crossed. It would be fun to have both of you here.”

“Yeah, then I wouldn’t have to bug you online at seven in the morning. I could just come to your house and bug you in person.”

“That would be great. We could do breakfast.”

“Speaking of which, my mom is downstairs cooking for me. I’d better go. Thanks so much, Clare.”

“Anytime. If you see that boyfriend of mine, give him a kiss from me.”

“That would scare the shit out of him!” She lights up the screen with a huge smile.

“Make sure you have your phone ready. I want a selfie,” she says as her face fades from sight.

I’m laughing as I head down the hall toward the smell of pancakes.