twenty-three

“I can’t believe this! There are already fifty people who are definitely going and another twenty maybes!” I’m staring at the screen in absolute amazement. The post has only been up for a few days and I have at least fifty comments and sixty likes. The event page has been viewed more than a hundred times. This is so much better than I’d expected.

“Well, what did you expect? You’re doing something marvelous and people are responding. And I would imagine this is just the tiny tip of the iceberg. There’s a whole world outside of Thompson Mills.” Lucas smiles at me with crimson lips parted over perfectly straight, blindingly white teeth. His eyelashes are gold tipped today, which reminds me of Benjamin. Then again, pretty much everything reminds me of Benjamin—who asked me to the dance.

Oh, my god! He asked me to the dance! I’ve been so busy recently that I haven’t taken the time to fully process it.

I still can’t remember if I answered him. What if he thinks I don’t want to go with him? Even though the prospect of going to a dance in Thompson Mills with a guy is terrifying on every possible level, there is no way I could turn Benjamin down. I’m braver than that.

I really hope that’s true.

“Earth to Jackie. Are you in there?” Lucas calls out, making a knocking gesture toward the screen.

“Oh, sorry. I was just thinking.”

“Judging from the look in those big dark eyes of yours, you weren’t thinking about me.” He grins, fluttering those golden eyelashes at me suggestively. He knows about Benjamin asking me to the dance. I had to tell someone about it—someone being Clare, of course—and she asked if she could tell Lucas because he’s the world’s biggest romantic, and she figured he would be thrilled for me. She figured right.

“No, I was thinking about who I’m always thinking about. I can’t believe he actually asked me out!”

“Well, you are just so adorably naïve then. It’s been obvious that he’s into you for quite a while from everything you’ve said about him. You just haven’t been reading the signals.”

“I wouldn’t know a signal if it jumped up and bit me.”

“Mmmm—that would be fun!” he says in a voice that sounds like a cat purring. It makes me blush.

“You know what I mean. No one has ever sent me any before. Everything about this is so new.”

“How lovely for you. The first time is so sweet. I still remember mine. I couldn’t eat for a week. Lost three pounds. Which reminds me…” He stands up and steps back from the screen. “Do you like?” he asks, twirling around to show me a tight, gold-colored dress that matches his lashes. “I’ve been watching my carbs and I just got back into this. Jamal is going to pass out when he sees me!”

“You look beautiful. Jamal’s a lucky guy.”

“So is Benjamin. Maybe we could get you into something pretty for that dance.”

I look at him and sigh. I would love to try wearing something pretty for the dance. Maybe not skin-tight gold, but something a bit more daring than my usual masquerade of jeans and a T-shirt might be nice.

“I think Thompson Mills will already be reeling from the parade. It’s way more than enough to add a gay couple at grad without dressing it up too much.”

“Well, I disagree, but there’s always time to make you change your mind.”

That would be nice but I’m not sure I can. I’m still keeping that part of me away from my mother, even though Matthew thinks I should just let it all hang out. I am pretty positive that accepting me in a dress and makeup would be even harder for Mom than the idea that I am hoping to have sex with a guy someday. She’s still struggling enough with that. I’m not sure she could handle anything more right now. She never mentioned her missing skirt, and I find it hard to believe she didn’t notice it was gone because she’s not exactly a clothes horse, or whatever the expression is. But I have no idea if she would guess that I’m the one who took it. Maybe she thinks my dad stole it when he left, just to be mean or something. I don’t know. I just figure if she doesn’t ask, I don’t have to tell.

I wonder what Benjamin would think if I ever had the guts to let Lucas give me that makeover he keeps offering? Lucas tells me that he can take my inner beauty and put it on the outside, so everyone can see it. Would Benjamin think I’m beautiful or would it make everything awkward? He likes colorful clothes more than most guys around here, but I’m pretty sure that’s as far as it goes. The way the girls still look at him, you’d think he’d never come out at all.

I know that clothes are just the wrapping paper and not the gift inside—mostly because I read it on Twitter—but I’d still love the chance to break out a few ribbons and bows someday. The only thing is, I’m not sure how Benjamin would feel about me if I ever had the guts to dress the way I do in my dreams.

“I’m scared there’s time for him to change his mind. That I’ll do something stupid and he’ll decide he doesn’t want to go out with me after all. Or someone else will do something terrible on parade day and he’ll just want to get the hell away from Thompson Mills and everything that reminds him of it.”

“You won’t do anything stupid. And as for anyone else, just surround yourself with friends. You have them, you know. Keep them close.” Lucas’s face turns serious and sympathetic at the same time. I look at him for a few seconds and then take a deep breath.

“I’m just scared of so many things. I’m afraid of how people will react to the parade and to me being such a big part of it. I feel sick every time I imagine how people might react to Benjamin and me walking into that dance together, even though I want to go with him more than anything in the world. I’m afraid to dress the way I feel, partly because I don’t know if my mom could handle it, but I’m even more afraid that I’ll never have the guts to do it. It all just spins around inside of me until I start to feel dizzy. How do I stop feeling this way?”

“Oh, sweet boy, I don’t know if you can stop completely until the rest of the world catches up and just realizes that there isn’t anything to fear from letting people love whoever they want to love.” He grins at me. “Someday love will win if we don’t let fear get the upper hand. In the meantime, you just push it down, deep enough inside that you can live your life the way you want to. Someday you’ll go looking for it and realize it’s buried too deep for you to find anymore.”

“That’s beautiful. You should be a writer.”

He laughs. “Thanks. I guess Clare never told you about my blog. Anyway, you are well on your way. Look at what you’ve accomplished already. You’re creating a Pride Day. You’re falling in love. You are amazing.”

Falling in love. Is that what this is? This obsessed wondering about what Benjamin might be doing every minute of the day?

I wasn’t sure if I was falling in love or just stalking him with my mind.

“But what if we do actually start going out and then Benjamin changes his mind about me some day?”

“You’ll deal with it. We all do. I’ve fallen in and out of love a few times and it’s the most wonderful and terrifying feeling in the world. But you just have to keep trying. Jamal isn’t my first love, but I think he’s going to be my last.” He holds his hand up to the screen, so close that it’s blurry at first and I can’t see what I’m looking at. He shifts it just enough that I realize I’m looking at a diamond ring.

“Lucas! That’s great!”

“Isn’t it though? So beautiful. I had one made for him too, but much more subtle. Jamal is a little more conservative than me.”

“Mardi Gras is more conservative than you.”

He laughs. “Why you sweetheart! Thank you. I have to agree. I also have to go. I have a hot date. I’m proud of you, Jackie. I am so looking forward to the twenty-fifth.”

He blows me a kiss and fades from the screen.

The twenty-fifth. Two weeks from now. Time is flying by so fast that I can’t catch up to it. We’ve been working almost every day and have a pile of posters, flags, and various rainbows ready to go. There are a few crowns and scepters there too, because Sarah thought they would go nicely with the idea of rainbows actually reigning. It’s one of those slogans that needs some visuals just in case people think we’re expecting rainbows to start falling out of the clouds. Sarah and Nancy managed to rope a few more of their friends into helping, and it’s been fun hanging out in the art room getting creative.

Not everyone is happy with our plans, obviously. The population of Thompson Mills hasn’t been replaced by clones. We’ve had quite a few negative comments online that I deleted immediately. Some guys at school are still glaring at me and sometimes following me around trying to be terrifying, but that isn’t really working anymore.

My mom is coming around. I even heard her shoot down a couple of customers at the restaurant who were badmouthing the parade. She was so fierce that I almost felt sorry for them. I bet she didn’t get a tip.

The town council is mostly ignoring us, although Mrs. Lee said we’re going to go back and speak with them if the numbers keep rising. There’s no guarantee it will change their minds about closing the road. I think this will be a case of seeing is believing.

Benjamin calls me every day now. We talk about the parade and his progress, movies and books, life in general. It’s the best fifteen minutes of my day.

He’s looking stronger all the time. He took a few steps yesterday, with support. He said it hurt, but it felt great to be up. He’s still planning on being here in two weeks, with or without a wheelchair.

“Jack—phone!” my mom calls up to me. I put my tablet on the bed and run downstairs. We still have a landline because my mom is so old school that she doesn’t like cell phones, but no one ever calls me on it.

“Who is it?” I mouth to her as I come into the room. She just shakes her head and hands me the phone.

“Hello?”

“Jack Pedersen?”

“Yes.”

“This is Officer Peabody. We met last year. Do you remember me?”

“Yes.” How could I forget the cop who showed up to question me after Ryan’s big save? What does she want?

“I’m calling to let you know that we have just charged Shawn Johanssen. We will need your testimony when the case comes to trial.”

“Charged him? With what?”

“I can only share the public data, which is that the charge is currently dangerous driving. We will need your eye witness account of what you saw that day.”

“I told you before I’m not sure what they were doing.”

“All we need from you is to tell us what you did see. They’ll take it from there.”

“Okay. When?”

“It takes a while for cases to come to court. As soon as a date is set and the lawyers are ready to speak with you, we will let you know.”

“All right.”

“Thank you. Oh, and Jack?”

“Yes?”

“I’m looking forward to your parade. If I’m not on duty that day, I’ll be marching. Bye.” She hangs up and I stare at the phone for a few seconds.

Dangerous driving. It sounds like they’re saying that Shawn made an illegal U-turn or something like that instead of deliberately swerving into someone on a bike and almost killing him.

Seems obvious that driving a two-ton truck into a bike is dangerous. So obvious that the charge should be more serious, like attempted murder. At the very least, it should be causing bodily harm while driving under the influence of extreme intolerant stupidity.