Chapter Thirty-Seven

Sami

I couldn’t stop shivering. Not because it was a cold night, although it was. No, I kept picturing Morgana, bloody and broken, lurching toward us with Jesse’s gun. The barrel swinging toward Harvard—Eric, Khaos, whatever—her finger tightening on the trigger. I still couldn’t believe I’d shot her. It hadn’t been a conscious decision, just pure instinct. Guess all the training had paid off. Three months ago, I wouldn’t have known what to do in that situation. Three months ago, I’d acted tough, but, faced with a gun, I would have died.

Class Alpha had changed me. I was stronger, both physically and emotionally. I was capable.

I was a killer.

If I hadn’t taken the shot, she would’ve killed Eric. I saw it in her crazed eyes.

My hands shook so hard I couldn’t hold the mug of coffee Gabe handed me.

We were back at the training facility, and they had tucked me into Quinn’s office while they debriefed the team. The moment the door shut behind them, I fell apart. I was still sobbing sloppily when the door opened sometime later.

I thought it was Gabe and Quinn returning. I didn’t know how long they’d been gone, but I’d given myself a headache and my coffee had gone cold.

Some badass warrior I was.

“Sami?”

Oh, God. I closed my eyes at Wolfe’s voice. It wasn’t Gabe and Quinn. It was my guys—Wolfe, Remy, Gavin, and even Blaze.

“Are you all right?” Wolfe asked.

I nodded even as tears continued to stream down my face. “Y-yeah.”

“Oh, Geek Girl.” Wolfe dragged me into a hug that smelled like fresh, cold air and his soap. They passed me around, each of them handling me like fragile china. Good thing, because I felt like I’d crack apart in their hands.

“I-I shot someone,” I said, my voice muffled against Gavin’s shoulder. “I killed her.”

“You had to.” Gavin squeezed me tightly, and surprise, I didn’t crack.

I knew I had to. Morgana hadn’t given me a choice. I knew it, and yet in my heart, it still felt wrong.

As if reading my mind, Gavin set me back at arm’s length and stared at me until I opened my eyes and met his gaze. “I know what you’re feeling right now. You made the only choice you could, and it still ended in shit, and now you’re racking your brain, wondering if you could’ve done something—anything—differently. I lived it, and I can tell you you’ll drive yourself crazy looking at the what-ifs when you should be looking at the what-nows.”

I studied his face and, for the first time, realized his burn scars didn’t stop at his neck like I’d always thought. The ridge of scar tissue extended up his jaw to his cheekbone, but he hid it so expertly with flesh-colored makeup, you’d never notice unless you were as close as I was now. I lifted a hand, traced the rough skin along his jaw, and felt his jaw muscles tighten under my touch. But he didn’t pull away. Instead, he swallowed hard enough to make his Adam’s apple bob, covered my hand with his, and gave my fingers a little squeeze.

“If you ever need to talk, you know where to find me.”

“Same,” I said. Because Gavin never talked about what happened to him, and I thought, deep down, he needed to.

Blaze was last. He hugged me hard and pressed his face into the top of my head. “Don’t scare us like that again.”

I drew back, gazed up into his eyes, and saw genuine fear and worry. He acted like a bastard most of the time, but he wasn’t really. Not underneath all the bluster. “I was terrified.”

“Hey.” He gave my shoulder a gentle shove. “You kicked ass. Didn’t even bother taking names. You’re pretty cool. For a geek.”

I gave him a wobbly smile. “I guess you guys know what I did now.”

They all exchanged glances, and then finally Wolfe nodded. “We heard.”

God, how did I even start to explain? To apologize? “I-I didn’t—Adrian manipulated me—and I thought I owed him, but when he wanted me to hurt HORNET, I couldn’t. Then he threatened you guys and Eric, and—” I broke off. Even to my own ears, the excuses sounded lame. “I’m so sorry. I fucked up.”

“We’re all fuckups,” Blaze said with a careless shrug. “That’s why we’re here and not in college or starting businesses or whatever successful members of society are supposed to be doing in their twenties.”

A murmur of agreement came from the others.

Oh, I loved these guys. I wasn’t going to cry again. I was not going to cry.

More tears slipped out. Dammit. “Still friends?”

Blaze looped an arm around my shoulders and pulled me in for a hard side hug. “Hah. You’re not getting rid of me, Geek Girl.”

“Or any of us,” Gavin said.

“You’re stuck with us for life,” Remy agreed.

“We’ll fight for you,” Wolfe promised, his dark eyes serious.

“And if Harvard breaks your heart,” Blaze added, “we’ll beat some sense into his dumb ass.”

I laughed. A semi-hysterical laugh, but one nonetheless. “Thank you.”

“We should head out.” On his way to the door, Wolfe ruffled my hair. “Just had to make sure our girl was good.”

“I’m good.” I watched them go, my heart aching. I wasn’t good. I was so far away from good we weren’t even in the same universe. I’d put on a brave face for them, but I honestly didn’t know if I would be allowed to continue in the program after tonight. Would I lose them, the only true friends I’d ever had?

God. I’d been so blind. So stupid.

I waited until the door shut, and then I fell apart again. The next time it opened a few minutes later, it was Gabe and Quinn.

I sniffled and tried to pull myself together. “I-I’m sorry.”

Quinn pulled up a chair beside me and rubbed a soothing hand in circles on my back. “Don’t be sorry. It’s the adrenaline crash. Get it out.”

I had to give these guys credit. Here they were, former SEALs, arguably the biggest and baddest warriors the world had to offer, and they waited patiently, soothing me while I melted down. They were good men. Some of the best I’d ever known.

Finally, the shakes subsided. I pulled up my big-girl panties and wiped away my tears. “I think I’m okay now.”

“It’s hard,” Gabe said gently. “The first time you’re in a life-threatening situation, it takes a toll.”

“It’s not my first time,” I pointed out. “Martinique—”

He shook his head. “You never had a gun pointed at your head during that situation. You were trapped in a room, for the most part away from the action. And, as frightening as I’m sure that was, it’s not the same as the first time someone points a weapon at you, intent on causing you harm. When you have a split second to make the choice to take a life, to defend yourself—it’s terrifying. Even for fully trained operatives.”

“But that’s why we train so hard,” Quinn said. “We want you to react on instinct in the moment.”

I nodded. “That’s what happened. I didn’t think. I just…did.”

“Then we’ve done our job.”

“The fear never goes away,” Gabe added. He stood across from me, propped up on Quinn’s desk, his big arms bulging as he crossed them. “It waits and hits later, sometimes when you least expect it. I’ve seen the biggest, toughest guys collapse after seeing action for the first time. You did good, Sami. You kept a level head and did what needed to be done.”

“But before that…” I drew a breath and met each of their gazes, ready to own up to my mistakes. “I fucked up.”

“You did, and we’ll discuss that later and figure out the appropriate action.” Gabe leaned forward and squeezed my shoulder. “But first, we’re proud of you, and you should be proud of yourself for how you handled things out there tonight. You’ve come a long way.”

“I am proud. I’ve pushed myself in ways I never thought I was capable of. Both good and bad.”

“But?” Quinn prompted.

I shook my head. “I realized something tonight. I’m not a warrior. I’m a computer nerd. I don’t belong out in the field with a gun in my hands. And trusting Adrian like I did? I hurt too many people, people who mean the world to me, all because he’d convinced me I owed him my loyalty. How could I trust myself—how could I ask the team to trust me—when I let myself get so thoroughly brainwashed like that?”

Gabe sat back, a stunned expression on his usually unreadable face. “Are you quitting the program?”

I drew a breath. I didn’t want to quit. I loved my fellow trainees, my teammates, like brothers. I had learned so much in the last three months and grown more than I’d thought possible. I was a better person because of Class Alpha. Where before I wasn’t sure if I could make it in the world by myself, now I knew I could. Just didn’t know if I wanted to.

“I don’t know,” I admitted finally. “I don’t think I can do the kinds of missions HORNET does without losing part of myself that I don’t want to lose.” Did that make sense? I didn’t know if I was even speaking coherently, but I couldn’t find another way to explain what I was feeling.

Gabe and Quinn looked at each other. After a moment, Gabe gave a slow nod. “How about you don’t make any decisions now? Take some time to get your head on straight, figure things out. Whatever you decide, we’ll support you.”

They’d support me. Even after I’d screwed up so badly and put them and their families in danger, they still had my back. I’d never had that before and was grateful beyond words for the two of them.

I nodded. Already, I could breathe easier, like a weight had been lifted from my chest. I didn’t have to make the decision now.

“Do you need a ride to town?” Quinn asked. “The other trainees are still staying at the hotel. We can get you a room.”

I hesitated. It was tempting to go back to the comfort of my friends, but…I couldn’t make this decision until I handled something else first. I gazed up at them. “Can you take me to the airport?”