Six

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I patted Zac’s sweaty neck over and over as we cantered away from the last fence. With a shock, I realized I felt... happy. I slowed to a walk, trying not to think about why joy was now a stranger to my life. It wasn’t as hard as it should be, with my hand still on Zac’s warm shoulder.

A furious word broke through my reverie.

“Téa!”

Oh, crap, crap, crap, I thought wildly. Dec wasn’t due back for hours — why was he suddenly in the middle of the arena, hands on his hips, looking murderous? I cudgeled my brain for an inspired excuse, anything that might mitigate what I was doing in some way, but it remained obstinately blank.

“Come here,” Dec snarled.

I dismounted and shuffled slowly toward him. I knew better than to stop out of range; I walked up close, close enough to be touched. As soon as he moved I closed my eyes. I expected a blow but all I felt was his hand grabbing the front of my jacket. I was about to peek when Jaden’s voice rang across the arena.

“Dec.”

My eyes flew open to see Jaden striding toward us. I’d never been happier to see him, but he didn’t meet my eyes at all; instead, he raised a brow and looked straight at Dec. It was hard to tell who looked more disapproving. Dec glanced at me.

“Go cool off that horse. On foot,” he ordered curtly. I turned quickly to run up my stirrup irons, my heart thudding from my close escape.

“What’s going on?” Jaden demanded.

Zachary and I stumbled toward the track.

“Take a look at that combination. She was jumping that when I came in. No helmet in sight,” Dec growled. Something that sounded suspiciously like a strangled oath escaped Jaden, and I was glad I had my back to him.

“And that’s not all, that horse has a nasty stop in him,” Dec went on.

I ground my teeth at the slur against Zac. Hadn’t I just proven the refusals weren’t his fault?

“Also, his new owner has made it very clear that she doesn’t want Téa riding him. In fact, she hired another trainer.”

“Has the other trainer been doing this with Zac?” Jaden’s voice sounded amused as he indicated the jumps.

“Not even close.”

I gazed at the jumps once more and felt a warm glow of pride. I’d been positive the problem wasn’t Zac. Whatever I had coming for this, it was worth it. I laid my cheek on Zac’s neck and hugged him as we walked, my arm under his neck. I heard the murmur of Dec and Jaden’s discussion as we circled the arena, but I didn’t look their way until Dec addressed me.

“Make sure you get every mark off him.” He glared at me as he headed for the door. “And come into the house as soon as you’re done.”

I gulped at the thought of what would await me there.

To my surprise, I found Jaden waiting in the barn. “Thanks for before,” I said. “Nice timing.”

“Anytime.” He smiled slightly, his eyes warm. “I thought I’d help you groom.”

“I’m not really in a hurry to be done.” To put it mildly.

“We’ll take our time, then.” He grabbed some brushes. I could hear him pat Zac’s neck and murmur to him as he worked. We groomed in silence for a few minutes, the soft swishing of our brushes added to the comforting background sounds of horses chewing hay and rustling in their stalls. Even though the barn was older now, it had been a high-end show barn in its day, and it was still beautiful.

“I was wondering,” Jaden said casually, “I know another trainer’s been riding this horse. And from what I understand, you’ve got a low opinion of her skills.”

I was surprised, and glad my face was hidden by Zac’s body. How did he know that?

“So why are you doing this?” he continued. “Getting yourself in trouble, especially when she’ll get the credit for Zac’s improvement?”

I sighed. “It’s not about her, it’s about Zac,” I said. “I wanted to make sure he was okay, that he hadn’t lost his confidence.”

“And to prove to yourself that you’re better than the new trainer?” he guessed shrewdly.

“Maybe that had something to do with it,” I allowed.

Jaden came and stood in front of me; his face was grave as his eyes searched my face. I was struck again by how ridiculously handsome he was.

“I can understand that. But jumping without a helmet — really, what were you thinking? And so soon after-”

“You know,” I cut him off angrily, “in about ten minutes Dec will be giving me the same speech, only his will be delivered a lot louder and followed by a few good smacks to get his point across, so you can save your breath.” I scowled at him.

He didn’t look at all perturbed by my outburst. A small smile played around the corners of his mouth. “Oh, I don’t think you’ll be punished too severely.”

I snorted. “Then you don’t know Dec very well.”

“Do you know what I saw in his eyes just now?”

“Other than homicidal rage, you mean?”

“I saw pride. Yes, he’s angry — and he has a right to be, frankly — but he’s proud of what you were able to do. And I think he’s relieved, too.” He didn’t expand on why Dec might feel relieved, and I was glad about that.

We finished grooming, and I put Zac in his stall with a final hug. Riding him again had been great, but I was afraid I’d start missing him all over again now. Jaden walked me to the house, and I appreciated the company. I didn’t want to face Dec alone. I paused on the porch, nervous now.

“Are you coming in?” I asked somewhat hopefully. I could hardly see his face in the dark, only the sharp angles of his cheekbone and jaw were visible.

“Do you want me to?”

“Yeah,” I admitted, ashamed to be such a chicken.

I felt his hand on my shoulder; it was very warm. Comforting.

“Can I give you some advice?”

“Sure,” I said suspiciously.

“Tell Dec the truth. Tell him how you’re feeling, why you wanted to ride Zac so badly.”

My voice was very low as I answered, “I don’t think he’ll care.” I was surprised at how painful the thought was.

“Humor me,” he said softly.

I shrugged. It couldn’t hurt, I supposed.

We found Dec in the kitchen, drinking coffee at the head of the table. I stopped at the other end and stood uncomfortably with my hands gripping the back of the chair. Jaden went and got himself a drink. He stayed by the counter but gave me an encouraging nod when I glanced his way.

I looked at Dec; his expression was impassive. Better than mad, anyway. I examined the surface of the table while I spoke.

“I’m sorry, Dec,” I began nervously. Might as well get the apology out of the way first, then maybe he’d hear me out. “I know I shouldn’t have done that.”

“Why did you, then?” he demanded. I risked a glance at his face. He didn’t look angry as much as frustrated.

“I... well, I really miss jumping, for one thing,” I told him hesitantly. My eyes were back on the table, my voice quiet. “And I also miss Zac, I was worried about him, he’s seemed so unhappy lately. I wanted to make sure he was okay.”

I heard Dec clear his throat. I looked up to find him watching me thoughtfully.

“Well, I’m assuming you know better than to pull a stunt like that again.”

I nodded quickly.

“You’re still grounded, though. Two weeks,” he said gruffly. “And Téa, if I ever catch you jumping without a helmet again...” He let the threat hang. I nodded again, relieved to be getting off so lightly.

“Good night.” I was anxious to make my escape to bed. Jaden winked at me when I caught his eye, and to my surprise, I had to suppress a smile.

* * *

I used Schweppes in another lesson that weekend, and although he looked irritated from the beginning, he didn’t do anything drastic. Erin was a rather stiff rider and her aids weren’t that smoothly applied. I could understand why Schweppes would object, but as a school horse, he would have to get used to less-than-perfect riders.

My students started jumping, queuing up their horses to go one at a time. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Schweppes shake his head in anger, grab the bit, and take off. He galloped across the arena straight for an oxer that remained from a previous lesson, it was too big for these students, but before I could react he had jumped it. Erin fell off as he landed and I ran over anxiously to check on her.

“Are you all right?” I knelt next to her. She was crying.

“Yes,” she sniffed. She got up and started brushing herself off.

Seth and Jaden strolled in as I worriedly went to collect Schweppes.

“Hey, T,” Seth called out. I turned, distracted, just as I grabbed Schweppes’ reins.

“Ow!” I jumped and spun toward him; he had bitten me hard on the forearm. He stepped back quickly and flung up his head, frightened. He’d obviously been hit for this kind of behavior before. I shook my head, disgusted. This was one of the things Dec and I argued about — he thought nothing of hitting a horse that bit, even though it rarely changed their behavior. As I had repeatedly pointed out to him, it only made them head-shy. Erin decided to call it a day, so I finished teaching while sitting on Schweppes. It seemed safer than standing next to him.

Jaden came and found me while I was untacking.

“Why is Dec keeping that horse?” he asked, frowning.

“Dec doesn’t exactly know,” I admitted. “Schweppes just needs a bit more time and kindness; he’ll come around.”

“He’s a menace. I saw him bite you.”

“It’s nothing,” I insisted.

He grabbed my arm and pushed my sleeve up. The bite mark was already red and swollen, it was going to be a bad bruise.

“That’s not nothing. And you can’t fix a bad temperament.”

“Why are you assuming he’s innately bad?” I demanded angrily.

“Why are you assuming he’s not?” I could tell he was getting angry too, but he kept his voice lower than mine.

“Because I prefer to give others the benefit of the doubt, until such time as they prove to me they’re not capable of change,” I growled at him. His eyes narrowed. I lifted my chin and gave him a challenging look. “I’m asking you not to tell Dec about this horse. Let’s see if you’re capable of change, Jaden.”

A spasm crossed his face. “I won’t make the same mistake twice,” he said in a flat, low voice, “but you’d better pray this horse doesn’t really hurt someone. Including you.”

* * *

Seth, Jaden and I went to clean tack after dinner. The barn was empty, since most people came during the day on weekends. It was cozy in the tackroom; we turned the radio on and took our time cleaning while we talked.

“This brings back memories,” Jaden remarked. “I’ve spent many an evening in here.”

“How come I only remember seeing you a few times, then? Dec claims you were always underfoot, but we barely saw you after we moved here,” Seth said.

“I used to spend most of my summers here, Dec and Gran are the ones who taught me to ride. But you arrived shortly before I moved in with my dad. I was sixteen, so you two would have been what, ten?”

“Eleven,” I recalled. Dec had been upset about Jaden moving; I remembered overhearing him talking to my mom.

“So your parents were already divorced by then. How old were you when they split?” Seth asked.

“Thirteen.”

“Do you know what happened?” Seth continued, hanging up a bridle.

“Yes. My mom left my dad because he hit me.”

“And...” Seth looked confused.

Jaden looked up. “A lot.”

“Oh. Sorry, man,” Seth offered. He looked abashed.

“No worries. It’s in the past.”

“So your dad was following the Foster family tradition, then.” Seth grinned. I sighed. Seth couldn’t stay serious for more than a minute.

“Family curse, more like,” Jaden countered. “You must have heard about Granddad — all the Foster men tend to strike first and question later.”

“But you’re not like that,” I said suddenly. It was clear from his horses’ behavior that he never handled them roughly.

There was a pause before Jaden looked at me. “It took time, and a lot of effort, for me not to be that way,” he said quietly.

“So maybe it’s not too late for Seth,” I joked.

We all laughed; Seth was the least violent person I knew. Far less so than me. The conversation turned to lighter matters — much of it seemed to involve cars — but I was still thinking about Jaden’s revelation. I had assumed he’d lived some sort of charmed, cosseted life. I was ashamed of how far off I’d been.

* * *

School wasn’t getting any better. You’d think that being grounded, I’d have more time to study, but I just couldn’t seem to concentrate for any length of time. So, as usual, I focused on horses instead.

I started using the clicker to try to change Schweppes’ attitude, by rewarding him for greeting me in a friendly way rather than threatening me every time I opened his stall. It was the first time I’d attempted to change something as nebulous as attitude — usually I employed the clicker to teach specific behaviors. But it gave me an idea.

I hadn’t had any luck in getting Kermit near the trailer, and it struck me, as I mulled over the problem, that I was going about it backward. In the end, all I wanted was for him to be calm in the trailer, so I set about rewarding him for calm behavior, not knowing if it would work at all.

During our next session, I started off rewarding Kermit as soon as I led him outside. I headed slowly toward the paddock, where the trailer was still ominously parked. Kermit noticed; his head came up, and his body tensed. I allowed him to stop and backed him up a few steps. As soon as he began to change his hyper-alert stance I pressed the clicker, and he actually looked at me in surprise. I felt a swell of pride — he understood what I was saying. I kept at it for another few minutes, reinforcing my point, and then put him back in his stall with lots of treats and encouragement. I had a good feeling about Kermit.

Monday morning I was exhausted. I slumped down the stairs dragging my bag, and in the kitchen, I dropped heavily into a chair. Dec was away on business for two days so it was just Seth and me.

“Did you make coffee?” I yawned.

“No, and we don’t have time now, either. Here’s some toast, though.” He handed me a plate. “Hurry up, we’ve gotta go.”

The thought of rushing off to another endless miserable day at school was suddenly too much for me.

“You know what? You go ahead. I’m going to stay home today,” I said decisively.

Seth looked at me, aghast. Dec had strong feelings about school — surprise, surprise. We weren’t allowed to miss any unless we were practically on our deathbeds. If he were here, I knew without a doubt that I’d be going. But he wasn’t here, and I couldn’t face another day.

“Téa-”

“Let’s not argue, Seth. You won’t win this one.”

He looked at me carefully and sighed; he knew when I was serious.

That night, we chatted about our days while doing chores in the tackroom. I was looking forward to getting to bed.

“I’m not going tomorrow, either.” Missing school was the best idea I’d had in a long time.

“What? Are you trying to get Dec to kill you?” He threw me a worried look as he transferred clean saddlepads into the dryer.

“I don’t care, Seth.” It was true, I really didn’t.

He blew his breath out noisily, frustrated. “You know, all this death wish stuff would go over better if you were goth.”

“Who’s got a death wish?” Jaden’s voice startled me, I hadn’t heard him come in.

“Hey, dude. Shrimpo here is ditching school. Hence the death talk, ’cause she’s toast when Dec finds out.”

I was afraid that Jaden would launch straight into lecture mode and I had no patience for it, so I kept my eyes on the bandage I was rolling, prepared to tune him out. I saw him in my peripheral vision as he came and picked a clean bandage from the pile in front of me. He sat down a few feet away to roll it.

“So,” he said conversationally, “how much time are you planning to take off?”

I looked at him in surprise — it certainly wasn’t the response I’d been expecting. He kept his eyes on his work.

“I don’t know,” I said in a low voice.

He nodded thoughtfully. “Would the rest of the week be enough?”

“Hold on here, she’s in enough trouble already. She can’t be taking more time off,” Seth objected.

“She can if she has a doctor’s note,” Jaden said reasonably. “And my mother is a psychologist, remember?”

I stared at him in disbelief. My heart felt lighter at the mere suggestion of escaping the drudgery of school for a few days.

“But would she write me one?” I asked him doubtfully.

“I think she will. She knows you’re grieving.” He said it with surprising gentleness, but I still flinched at the word. “And if she won’t,” he added with an impish smile, “I sign her name as well as she does... and I have access to her stationery.” He winked at me.

“But-” Seth’s objections were drowned out as Jaden and I started planning.

“Go to school in the morning and I’ll meet you in the office.”

“But where will I go after? I can’t hang out in town.”

“Come to my place. You can take the car, right?”

“Yeah.” I was getting almost excited.

“Hey! Time out!” Seth interrupted loudly. Jaden and I both looked around in surprise. “This is risky, Sis,” Seth reminded me. He was unusually serious these days, I realized with a pang, and I was pretty sure that my withdrawal and constant sadness were the cause.

“I don’t care,” I reiterated. “I’ll go insane if I have to sit through another day of school right now.”

He shrugged, giving up, but the troubled look on his face made me feel even guiltier. I went over and put my arms around him.

“Don’t worry, Moo. It’ll be fine. I need this.” I rarely used my childhood nickname for him anymore; the look I gave him was pleading.

He smiled, finally, and ruffled my hair. “Well, good riddance, then.”

* * *

The plan went off without a hitch in the morning. I fidgeted nervously on a bench in the office while waiting for Jaden to arrive, but I needn’t have worried. He walked in wearing a suit and every single person in the office, male and female, turned to watch as he loped over to me. The secretary didn’t even glance at the letter; she was far too busy gawking at Jaden. Just like that, I was free.

I waited until we were outside before I risked looking at him.

“Thanks. I owe you big.”

He shook his head. “You don’t owe me a thing.”

I followed Jaden into the city. His place was on the second floor of a brick building that looked like it might have once been a factory. He unlocked the door and let me in first, and I stopped inside the doorway and looked around curiously. It was a loft-style space, very open, with high ceilings. The kitchen was right in front of me; only a counter separated it from the living room to my right. There was a hallway to my left.

“Make yourself at home. I’ve got to get changed for school.” He disappeared through a doorway at the end of the hall.

I wandered into the living room, feeling a bit awkward now that I was actually here. A large window dominated the far wall, with the rest of the wall covered by canvases of all sizes. On the wall near the kitchen counter were grouped some pictures of polo ponies. I recognized Kermit and Piba; I assumed the rest were the horses Jaden had sold. I was admiring them when he rushed back into the hall, dressed in jeans, sneakers and a cool jacket I’d never seen at the barn.

“I’ve got to run. I’m leaving you my laptop so you can surf if you feel like it.” He pointed it out on the kitchen counter. “Help yourself to anything in the fridge.” He slung his bag over his shoulder and paused by the door. “Oh, and, you’re not planning to go out, are you?”

“I hadn’t thought about it, why?”

“I’d rather you didn’t go wandering around the city by yourself, that’s all.”

“Okay.” I shrugged. It really made no difference to me, I was equally miserable anywhere these days.

“I’ll see you at lunchtime,” he called over his shoulder on his way out.

I had a sneaking suspicion that he was only coming home to check on me.

Once Jaden was gone I explored a bit more. When I got to the bedroom I went in a bit timidly. The walls were a light brownish color; I couldn’t name it, but I liked it. There were two windows in here, and more pictures of horses on the walls. As I turned back toward the door I stopped in surprise — hanging in the corner was a punching bag, the kind you see in gyms. I smiled; that helped explain the fantastically toned body. There was a good picture of Jaden with his mom and sister by the bed, but as I sat down to look at it I felt a sense of wrenching dislocation. The clawed animal — the one I’d hoped had moved to a new burrow — was back, and my insides were once again shredded by its razor-sharp talons. I wrapped my arms around my stomach in anguish and lay on the bed, curled into a tight ball, and waited for the pain to pass.

I awoke sensing a presence. My eyes flew open as I remembered where I was, and I sat up in a rush.

“Hey, sleeping beauty,” Jaden greeted me. “I hope I didn’t scare you.”

“Oh, uh, no. Sorry... I don’t know how I ended up here.” I was disoriented, and a bit embarrassed that he had found me on his bed.

“I’m glad you had a nap. You looked exhausted.”

I felt exhausted, too. I still wasn’t sleeping well. I supposed it wasn’t surprising that I’d fallen asleep during the day, now that I had the chance.

“I’m going to make lunch.” He headed for the kitchen, and I went to the washroom and washed my face, trying to wake up.

“So why the suit this morning?” I climbed onto a stool and watched him in the kitchen.

“Because it’s important to look the part. I was claiming to have the authority to take you out of school. I thought they’d be less likely to question me if I looked respectable.”

I didn’t think ‘respectable’ quite covered it. ‘Spectacular’ would be more accurate.

“Very clandestine. Thanks.” I noticed that he was preparing two plates. “Um, Jaden, I’m not really hungry.”

He looked at me thoughtfully.

“Sorry, Téa — my place, my rules. If you want to hang out here, you’re going to have to eat.” He dropped a plate in front of me, then walked around the counter to stand next to me. He ran his hand down my back, then across my ribs. It wasn’t a caress, it was purely appraising, the way I might run my hand over a horse’s ribs to assess her weight. “You’re way too thin.”

I started to protest but wilted instead. I inspected my plate with a sigh. On it was some kind of wrap, along with a bowl of sauce for dipping.

“Try it,” he encouraged. “It’s vegetarian.”

I smiled. It felt odd, like I was out of practice. My eyes widened in surprise when I tried the wrap. It was really good.

“Wow,” I said, “I can’t believe you made this... you can cook?”

He gave half a shrug. “Well, I have to feed myself, and I like to eat well.”

When I couldn’t finish my wrap he polished it off happily, making me feel right at home, since Seth usually finished what I didn’t.

Before he left he handed me a key and a piece of paper. “You’ll be leaving before I get back, so here’s a map. And this is the key to my place. I’ll see you at lunch tomorrow.”

After he left I spent most of the afternoon on the couch, reading a novel. I couldn’t go on this way indefinitely, I realized sadly — my homework was piling up — but it was a nice break.

As I was getting out of the shower the next morning I caught sight of myself in the mirror. I’d lost some weight, I had to admit. I could see ribs on my reflection. I stepped onto the bathroom scale. Dammit, I thought. I’d really wanted to prove Jaden wrong, but the scale said ninety-eight pounds. I tried getting off and stepping back on, but the number remained stubbornly the same. I resolved to make an effort to eat; I’d have no stamina for riding if I stayed this thin.

When I got to Jaden’s I tried to sort through my assignments. By now everything was urgent. I got tired just thinking about it, so I pulled out my math, the subject I least needed to work on, but the one that would take the least effort.

Jaden found me still absorbed in it at lunchtime. “Calculus?” he queried, looking over my shoulder.

“Trig. Calculus is next year.”

“Ugh.” He shuddered. “I’m glad that’s behind me.”

I was surprised. From what Dec had told us Jaden was a very bright student. “You don’t like math?”

“Not really,” he admitted. He had moved into the kitchen and was putting a pot on the stove. “I hear you’re a whiz at it, though. What other subjects do you like?”

“Now? I couldn’t tell you,” I answered, suddenly subdued again as I realized the truth of those words. Jaden just nodded. He made pasta with vegetables and some kind of cream sauce; it was as delicious as yesterday’s wrap. I ate a bit more than I had the day before, and was rewarded by his smile of approval. He finished my leftovers again. When I started doing the dishes he got a dishtowel and dried.

“I’ll do that, Jaden. Don’t you have to go?”

“Soon.” He perused my face as he wiped a bowl. “How have you been sleeping?”

I shifted uncomfortably under his scrutiny. “Fine,” I lied.

“You still look tired.” He hesitated, then went on gently. “Téa, have you considered talking to someone? A therapist, I mean.”

I shook my head vehemently. “I don’t need to. I’m fine.”

“Well, you don’t seem fine,” he said bluntly. My eyes flew to his face, startled. “Your behavior’s been erratic, you’re exhausted, you’ve lost weight — those are all classic symptoms of depression.”

I shrugged noncommittally. I didn’t care what he thought my symptoms were, I wasn’t about to talk to some stranger about Blaze.

He sighed. “Sometimes I think living with Dec has made you feel like you have to be tough all the time.”

“I do have to be tough.” It just slipped out; I didn’t know what made me say it, but I kept washing the pot without looking at him.

I felt his arms go around me. He pulled my hands out of the sink and cradled my head to his chest with one hand. To my shock, I found myself shaking violently, sobs threatening to burst from my throat. We stayed that way for a minute, Jaden holding me while I struggled to control myself.

“I wish you’d just let it out, Téa,” he murmured.

I pulled out of his embrace and backed up until I felt the counter at my back, keeping my eyes down and grinding my teeth against the sobs. I thought I heard him sigh again, but to my relief, he didn’t come any closer.

“Will you be okay if I go back to school?”

“Yes.” My voice was rough.

“All right. I... I’ll see you tomorrow.” He sounded subdued. I listened to the sounds of his exit before returning to the sink.

Exhaustion crashed over me while I finished the dishes, so I went and lay on the bed again. I was shivering, and I pulled back the covers and got under the comforter. As my head sank into the pillow I caught a hint of Jaden’s scent. I didn’t know why it made my throat constrict, but suddenly I couldn’t hold back the sobs any longer.

I awoke with a start. It was late, and I dashed around frantically grabbing my stuff before running out to the car, still half-asleep. It wasn’t until I was on the highway that I remembered what had happened at lunchtime; I felt a hot flush of embarrassment at the memory. I wasn’t sure how to account for the intensity of my reaction, but upon reflection, I still couldn’t figure it out and after a while, I gave up.

The next morning I impressed myself by working on biology and English. I was somewhat worried about seeing Jaden; I didn’t want to talk about my almost-breakdown. To my relief, he acted as though nothing had happened when he arrived at midday.

“Hi cuz,” he said. “What do you feel like eating?”

“I don’t know. I have no imagination when it comes to food,” I admitted.

Jaden made sandwiches while I quizzed him about what law school was like. His descriptions of his professors and fellow students made me smile; they were insightful and not always complimentary. I had trouble picturing him in that kind of environment, though, and told him so while we started eating.

“Why?” he asked curiously.

“I don’t know... ‘lawyer’ just sounds like too stuffy a term to apply to you.”

He grinned. “At least I’ll be able to get you out of trouble when you’re arrested for radical activism.”

“All right, so you’ll come in useful,” I conceded. “But what made you choose law in the first place?”

“Well, I’ve had the opportunity to travel quite a bit and though I work in wealthy countries, when I travel for pleasure I like to stray off the beaten path. I’ve made my way through most of Central and South America, as well as a bit of Asia, and many of the people there have very little in the way of protection. I saw enough outrageous and flagrant abuses to make me want to be a human rights lawyer, so I could help people protect themselves.”

“But what about playing polo? Won’t you miss it?” I couldn’t imagine giving up riding for an office job.

“I’ll still play, just not professionally. But yes, I’ll miss it, and the transition is hard. I’ve had to do a lot of adjusting this year already.”

I checked the clock. “Hey, don’t you have to be back at school by now?” I asked him.

“In theory, but I thought I’d hang out with you this afternoon.”

“You’re gonna get in trub-ble,” I sang.

“Nah. There’s a girl in my class with a crush on me,” he said easily. “She’ll give me a copy of her notes.”

“I doubt there’s just one,” I muttered under my breath.

He didn’t seem to hear. “What do you want to do? Walk around downtown? Catch a movie? Go shopping?” he rattled off suggestions.

I started to perk up. An afternoon outside, doing something different, sounded great.

“How about we start off walking and see where it leads us?”

It was a nice day for March, and wandering the city with Jaden was like having an insider’s guide. We window-shopped, ate some Vietnamese food when Jaden inevitably got hungry, and browsed through a bookstore. We were at a coffee shop warming up when the conversation turned back to horses.

“Remember that day we put Kermit in the paddock with the trailer?” he asked.

“Yes.” I tried to say it as normally as possible, but I wasn’t likely to forget that day.

“What happened? Why were you upset?”

“I... what makes you think I was upset?” I equivocated.

He gave me a ‘what do you take me for’ kind of look; I raised my brows back at him. I wasn’t admitting anything.

“All right, then,” he said, watching my face. “When he ran from the trailer, you started shaking like a leaf. You backed away from it also, and your face was white. You didn’t even want to get near it on your way out, you went through the fence instead. And you had me catch Kermit later.”

I leaned back in my chair and stared at the ground, stunned. I was grossly underestimating his powers of observation, that much was clear.

“And up goes the wall again,” he muttered. I glanced at him. “You have more defenses than the Pentagon, Téa.”

I assessed my posture — arms tight over my chest, teeth clamped together — and had to smile slightly.

“You can trust me, you know.” He leaned toward me over the table, his gaze locking onto mine. Its intensity was like a physical force; I could feel its pressure on my skin. “I know I haven’t always given you reason to in the past, but I’m on your side. Really.” There was no doubting the sincerity in his eyes.

“I do trust you.” And I found, as I said it, that it was true. “It’s just that, what happened... it’s not something I talk about.”

He smiled, and the intensity evaporated.

“Okay, how about I go first. I’ll tell you something private about myself.” He paused, and the smile faded. “Something that’s not easy for me to talk about, because... I’m ashamed of it.”

He definitely had my full attention. I picked up my coffee cup so I’d have something to do with my hands, but I was watching his face closely. He swallowed before he went on.

“A few years ago, I was arrested and charged with assault.”

I struggled to keep from showing how shocked I was. Dec’s golden boy arrested?

“That’s really not what I expected,” I admitted. “What happened?”

“I was at the racetrack. Fort Erie,” he started. I felt my eyes widen but didn’t want to interrupt him. “I found two guys beating up a man I knew, and I stepped in. They were injured and they pressed charges.” He was looking down, folding and unfolding an empty sugar packet.

“Were you hurt?” He certainly didn’t look like a fighter, not with that perfect face.

“No.” He looked at me. “I’ve told you I went through a rough patch in my teens, right?” I nodded. “Well, I did a fair amount of fighting during that time. I was... practiced.” He looked away again.

“Does Dec know about this?” I couldn’t help asking.

To my surprise, he grinned. “Dec’s the one I called to come and get me out of jail.”

My mouth fell open. “Because you were also suicidal?” I asked faintly.

His face softened. “I’m sure it must seem that way to you. But you might be surprised at what Dec’s capable of. In any case, I didn’t have a choice. I was too ashamed to call my mother, and I couldn’t call my dad.”

“What did he... what happened?”

“He didn’t touch me if that’s what you’re wondering,” he said. “I did get the worst dressing down of my life on the drive home, though.” His expression was troubled when he went on. “That’s why, well, I never thought he’d be abusive toward you, Téa.”

I stared at him in shock. “Dec’s not abusive.”

His eyes tightened in pain. “Yes, he is. He hits you.”

“Well, yeah, but it’s not frequent. Or completely unjustified.” I couldn’t believe I was actually defending Dec to Jaden. I felt like Alice in Wonderland.

“It’s never justified, Téa.” He leaned forward; the intensity was back in spades. “You never deserve that — no matter what you might think.”

I averted my gaze, feeling distinctly uncomfortable with the turn the conversation had taken.

“Okay, you win,” I conceded, changing the subject. “Your secret is definitely bigger than mine.”

His look of confusion only lasted a second, and then he grinned.

“So you’ll tell me why you looked almost as freaked out as Kermit that day?”

I nodded. I was nervous now that it was my turn on the hot seat. “I looked as freaked out as him because I was,” I began uncertainly. “Because... I don’t know how to say this without sounding like I’m crazy.”

“Just say it. I solemnly swear not to think you’re crazy.”

I searched his eyes. There was only curiosity there, no judgment. Not yet, anyway.

“You asked for it. Sometimes, when I’m close to a horse — usually only when I’m riding — I can feel what they’re feeling.” I blurted it out in a rush, not looking at him.

“Hmm,” he said thoughtfully. I chanced a look at his face; he was frowning in concentration. “That makes sense, I suppose.”

“It does?” I said blankly.

“Yes. You’re very sensitive, though you hide it well, so maybe you have the ability to sense more than the average person. It would certainly help explain your great subtlety as a rider.”

I felt my heart lift. Not only did Jaden not think I was crazy, he thought I had ‘great subtlety’. I smiled at him.

He checked the time on his phone. “We’d better head back. Say, can you make an excuse to be home late tomorrow?”

“Sure, I don’t teach on Fridays.” And I didn’t have any horses to ride. Sigh.

“I’m having some friends over after school, and I’m going to your place for the weekend. If you’d like, you can stay and meet my friends, and I’ll follow you home afterward.”

“Okay.” I was a bit surprised that he’d asked, but he was good company. It would be better than moping around at home.

We started walking back toward Jaden’s.

“So, what happened with the assault charge?” I asked him, a bit hesitantly.

“It was dropped, fortunately. You know, that whole incident ended up being a turning point in my life.” He glanced down at me thoughtfully. “I got some counseling, I let go of my anger, and everyone — including me — was a lot happier.”

“If that’s your oh-so-subtle plug for therapy, I’m still not buying it,” I told him.

“You’re just as stubborn as Dec,” he muttered. “Who knew that was a learned behavior?”

I looked at him quizzically.

“Dec’s been getting counseling. Did you know that?”

I stopped dead on the sidewalk; he pulled me out of the way to let other pedestrians pass.

“I take it you didn’t,” he said.

I shook my head. I was speechless. Jaden leaned one shoulder against the storefront wall and watched me absorb the news.

“Why?” I finally managed to ask. “And since when?”

“It’s been a few months now. I tried to convince him to start last fall, after Seth told me... after the racetrack. But he flatly refused. Then, when I saw you try to goad him into hitting you after the Royal-”

“That’s not what I was doing,” I denied indignantly.

“It is and you know it. I’m familiar with the dynamic, Téa. Anyway, at that point, I called in the big guns — my mom. She convinced Dec, and he’s been undergoing therapy ever since, with her. It’s not ideal, given their relationship, but he refused to do it any other way.”

“Dec’s getting counseling because of us? Seth and me?” I still couldn’t believe it.

“Yes. And he’s made changes, I think,” Jaden replied seriously.

“Why are you doing all of this?” I demanded suddenly.

“We’re family, Téa. That means something to me.”

“Oh, that’s right,” I replied, fighting a smile. “Carte blanche to meddle in my life. I almost forgot.”

Fortunately, all the unaccustomed quiet time during my drive home gave me the opportunity for reflection because I had a lot to think about. I considered Jaden’s characterization of Dec as abusive; I was doubtful. Dec rarely hit Seth, other than the odd cuff to the head. And as for me, well, I could have driven Gandhi to violence. I tried to pinpoint changes in Dec’s behavior, but I’d been so blinkered by misery these past few months that I couldn’t be sure. He’d been more reasonable than I expected when I rode Zac, but I had chalked that up to Jaden’s presence. Maybe there was more to it than that. Then there was Jaden’s admission of his arrest. I had a hard time imagining it, he always seemed so... controlled. I’d never seen him lose his temper.

* * *

Seth missed the bus the next morning, so I drove him to school. He wasn’t back to his usual blithe self yet, he wasn’t even dating. We went to a drive-through for coffee on the way. As he was pulling his wallet out of his schoolbag a pack of cigarettes fell out.

“What the hell, Seth?” I exclaimed, shocked.

He shrugged. “Don’t freak out, Sis, it’s not a big deal. I just needed something to steady my nerves a bit.”

“What do you mean it’s not a big deal? It’s a huge deal — you’re an athlete, for crying out loud! And you know what will happen if Dec ever catches you.”

Smoking was at the very top of Dec’s list of ‘zero tolerance’ activities. If he ever caught either of us with a cigarette we would be flayed half to death, therapy notwithstanding. Of that I had no doubt.

“I’m quitting, anyway, so don’t worry about it.”

“How long have you been smoking?” I felt as though I’d just stepped into a parallel dimension; that Seth could be doing this without my knowledge seemed impossible.

“Just a couple of weeks.”

We got our coffees and I went and parked in the lot.

“Hey, I’m gonna be late,” he protested. I grabbed his arm and waited for him to look at me. His eyes were troubled.

“Moo... look, I’m sorry I’ve been so messed up lately,” I began awkwardly.

“This isn’t about you, T.” He averted his eyes, sighing. “I’m on probation with the swim team. My coach says I’m not ‘committed’, whatever that means,” he said bitterly.

“Oh.” I knew Seth loved swimming, but secretly I thought maybe his coach had a point. It wasn’t just the swimming, though. Seth ran hot and cold with everything. “I’m really sorry to hear that, but I don’t see how smoking-”

“Look, I told you, I’m quitting. Promise.” He flashed me a smile, and I relented enough to drive him to school.

I barely noticed driving into the city, consumed as I was by worry and guilt. I’d been wallowing so deeply in my own grief that I hadn’t even noticed how much Seth was being affected. He was undoubtedly troubled by the probation, but I was sure there was more to it than that. I wasn’t picking up after him at home, which caused some tension between him and Dec. I also normally kept Seth organized — I reminded him when his library books were due, when to pay his swim meet entry fees, and I supposed I hadn’t been doing those things either. I hadn’t really noticed. And Seth had loved Blaze too.

I got another surprise when I arrived at Jaden’s: he was home, unshaven and drinking coffee in front of his laptop.

“Did I miss the memo?” I asked.

“Hey, you’re taking the whole week off, can’t I take a day?”

“I thought law school was supposed to be hard,” I grumbled.

“Hard is relative.”

I dumped my bag on the couch and went to sit by him. He studied my face for a moment before asking, “What’s wrong?”

I hesitated, wondering how far I could trust him. The desire to share my worry won out over caution. “Promise not to say anything? To anyone?”

He nodded.

“Seth started smoking.” The sorrow was clear in my voice.

“Damn.” He turned to face me. “This has been a bad time for both of you, hasn’t it?”  

I shrugged. I really didn’t know what was going on anymore.

“You know, when you grow up with a psychologist as your mom, eventually some of their reasoning starts to rub off,” he said. “Sometimes you’ll hear how someone is feeling and guess how they’ll behave, and other times you can look at a person’s behavior and guess at the feelings driving it.”

I frowned at him. “What are you talking about?”

He took a breath before continuing. “One of the basic tenets of psychology is that guilt demands punishment. So if you’re feeling guilty about something, you’ll subconsciously act out in ways that will hurt you. Or that will get you caught.”

I stared at him in confusion. “But what would Seth have to feel guilty about? He’s a wonderful person.” A way better person than I was.

It was his turn to shrug. “Guilt isn’t logical. We can feel it over things we have no control over, things we’re not responsible for.”

I suddenly knew where he was going with this, and I felt abruptly angry. “Would you please give the psychoanalysis a rest?”

“Sure,” he said easily.

I went to the couch and tried to work on a chemistry assignment for a while, but I couldn’t concentrate.

“Can I ask you something?” I said finally, when I couldn’t look at another formula.

“Of course.” He came and sprawled on the couch next to me. “I’d rather talk to you than study, anyway.”

For some reason, I found myself unreasonably flattered.

“Why did you do all that fighting, in your teens?”

“It’s kind of a long story.”

“I’m not really in the mood for homework today.”

And so we talked. He started off telling me about his dad — I could tell he was censoring a lot there — and we moved on to his parent’s divorce, his relationship with his sister (good, but not especially close), his troubled teens, and finally, as always, back to polo and horses. Somehow, along the way, a lot of other things emerged too. By mid-afternoon I found myself talking about my mom, and Blaze, and my aspirations as a jumper rider.

“Why did you move in with your dad?” I asked him at one point.

“My mother and I were always fighting. My behavior was getting increasingly wild; she was doing her best to help but I resented her efforts. I felt she was trying to control me. I thought I’d have more freedom at my dad’s.”

“But weren’t you worried about living with him?” I would have thought, considering their history, that it would be awkward at best.

He smiled. “What, about him getting physical? No. I was sixteen; I was as big as him by then. And in any case, the balance of power had shifted — he knew full well I wouldn’t tolerate that anymore.”

“How was it, living there?”

“Well, I did have more freedom. My dad worked a lot, and he wasn’t too concerned about keeping track of my comings and goings.”

“Sounds great.” I grinned.

“I enjoyed myself for a while,” he agreed. “I partied, drank, experimented with drugs... but eventually, I also crashed my car and totaled it, and almost got expelled from school. Only my dad’s influence and, I suspect, a generous donation kept me there. In the end, I’d say it’s nice to have someone around who cares enough to put their foot down when that’s what you need.”

I wasn’t convinced that I wouldn’t prefer the freedom, personally. He had questions for me, too.

“How was life with Dec while your mom was still with you?”

“It was great. Seth and I thought we’d died and gone to heaven when we first moved. We went from a small townhouse in the suburbs to a whole farm to tear up.” I smiled at the memory. “And my mom was so happy, her joy just kind of spilled over onto us, you know?”

He nodded. “Yes, I can imagine your mother having that effect. She was a beautiful woman, inside and out. When they got married Dec was the happiest I’ve ever seen him.”

“To be honest, I didn’t understand the attraction at first — they were so different.  My mom was so open and easygoing, and Dec’s so... not. Of course, now I understand better. She was a single mom to two wild kids, and she was easily overwhelmed. Stuff like bills and taxes and big decisions just freaked her out. And you know what Dec’s like. When they started dating, he just took over everything.”

We got up to get a drink; I leaned on the counter while Jaden poured orange juice.

“Level with me, Jaden. Why all the psychology talk this morning?”

He handed me my juice. “Because I see myself in you. You’re behaving the way I did when my life started spiraling downhill, and I don’t want you to go through what I did.”

I was puzzled by his assessment. His problems mostly stemmed from his dad’s abuse and mine... well, I was just sad. Not only did I miss Blaze himself, but with his death, I’d lost my last link to my mother, as well as a potential future career. I didn’t see how those two things compared. I didn’t want to tell him that, though, so I changed the subject.

“Who’s coming over later?”

“My good friends Chris and Ryan — Ryan painted most of the pieces in the living room; Brianna — she’s in my class at school, and Jesse. Jesse and I used to be in a band together.”

I looked at him, startled. “You were in a band?”

“Yup. I was the drummer.” He beat out a rhythm on the countertop with his fingers, then laughed at the face I was making. “What, can’t picture it?”

“No, I can, that’s the problem.” I shook my head, striving to put my discomfort into words. “You’re just so... accomplished. It makes me wonder what I’ve been doing with my time.”

“I’ll tell you what you’ve been doing. You’ve been working.” As usual, he looked frustrated when the subject came up. “I’ve led a much more privileged life than you have, Téa; I had the luxury of developing other interests.”

I loved Jaden’s friends. Chris and Ryan arrived first; Chris was part-Asian, good-looking, and very friendly. We were soon talking animatedly on the couch. Ryan was tall and slim, with loopy reddish-brown curls and a shy smile. I liked him instantly. Then came Jesse, with brown eyes and hair and a more mellow vibe. And lastly, Brianna. I wondered whether she was the girl who was crushing on Jaden, and I moved from the couch to a chair on her arrival, so that I could watch.

Brianna was not what I expected. She was Black, with striking features and gold highlights in her hair. Jaden took her coat; he leaned close to her with a half-smile and spoke low in her ear. Her lips curved upward in response. He didn’t touch her, but his expression was one I’d never seen before, almost predatory. It made me uncomfortable, for some reason. Jaden introduced her to everyone; she looked even more exotic close up, her very skin seeming to exude a subtle shimmer. I felt very plain and provincial next to her, but I didn’t have time to dwell on it because everyone — Brianna included — was so interesting. The conversation and laughter flowed freely while the music from Jaden and Jesse’s old band played in the background. I was genuinely sorry when it was time to go.

Jaden walked me to my car.

“Are you dating Brianna?” I asked before I got in.

“Not yet.” He grinned at me. “What do you think my chances are?”

“Excellent,” I assured him. “Her body language was all ‘go’.”

“Thanks, kid.” He ruffled my hair, and for some reason that irked me too.