Seven

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On Saturday Jaden was going to the polo club. When he invited us along I accepted eagerly, but Seth had swimming practice. I wondered sadly whether the smoking had damaged his lungs yet.

It was a short drive to the club. It was my first time in Jaden’s car since that ill-fated day at the racetrack seven months before, and I couldn’t help reflecting on how our relationship had changed. Back then I’d barely known him, yet I had hated what I knew. And now, I thought he was not only the coolest cousin anyone could hope for, I also considered him a friend.

We drove down a wide driveway flanked by enormous stone lions and through tall wrought-iron gates. I assumed the huge building on the right was some sort of hotel until Jaden said, “That’s the owners’ house. I’ll introduce you later.”

The stable area was immaculately kept and dotted with barns; we went into the largest one and were immediately approached by a stocky, black-haired man. As he shook Jaden’s hand he said something I didn’t understand. For a second, I was mystified, until Jaden responded in what sounded like perfectly fluent Spanish. I gaped at him in shock. It made sense, of course — his mother was from Argentina. I knew Aunt Paloma spoke Spanish, but it hadn’t occurred to me that Jaden would, too. He was looking at me now, taking in my open-mouthed expression.

“What?” he asked, grinning.

“It’s just... I didn’t know that you spoke Spanish.” One more accomplishment to add to his already overly long list, I grumbled to myself.

“Téa, this is José. He works as a groom for the club, I was just telling him that you’re my cousin.” José looked at me with interest and answered my tentative smile with a shy one of his own. We were admiring the horses in their stalls when a shriek rent the air behind us. I turned in time to see a black-haired girl throw herself at Jaden.

“Jaden! It’s about time, I’ve been languishing here all morning,” she said as she hugged him.

He laughed as he hugged her back. “I’m sure you found plenty of other people to annoy while you waited,” he teased.

He kept his arm around her while he introduced us.

“Caley, this is my cousin, Téa. Caley’s my long-time friend, sometimes-adversary, and a pretty fierce polo player. I’m looking forward to playing with her this summer, it’s been too long.”

Caley snorted. “Yeah, because you got too damn good.” She looked at me. “Do you play, Téa?”

“No, I ride jumpers. I can’t wait to see a match, though.”

We wandered around as Caley and Jaden caught up on news. I watched them obliquely, wondering at their relationship. I’d only heard of one of Jaden’s ex-girlfriends, a girl named Summer Davenport that he had dated for about a year. I’d overheard about Summer from Gran and my aunts, but Caley and Jaden also seemed close. I shook myself. So what if they were? I had close male friends, too. I supposed that seeing them together just made me realize how little I still knew him.

We progressed around the stable area, chatting with people along the way. I noticed that Jaden was treated with respect, almost deference at times. I guess he really was good. Another friend, a man with salt-and-pepper hair called Dan, was just setting out on a trail ride and invited Jaden along.

“Thanks, but I’ve got to drive my cousin home,” Jaden told him.

“Are you in a rush to get back, Téa?” Caley asked me. I shook my head. “Why don’t you go, J. I’ll hang with your cuz,” she told him, throwing an arm around me.

Jaden looked at me. “Would you mind?” I could tell he wanted to go.

“Not a bit. Have a good time.”

Caley was a riot. She was hyperactive, irreverent, and talked almost non-stop. She wasn’t at all what I expected of a polo player, and I told her so.

“Yup, I’m a freak. Don’t expect the rest of them to be like me.”

Horsepeople are a pretty traditional bunch, as a rule, and I wasn’t surprised to hear that polo players were no exception. Caley, however, was something else — she had a sheet of chin-length black hair, but on the right side of her head she was rockin’ a perfect violet circle. She told me it was dyed that way but I couldn’t imagine how they did it. She also had a pierced eyebrow and was wearing a lot of heavy black jewelry.

“Hey, I’m going to a big party soon if you’re interested,” she said after we’d been talking for a while. “Some of my friends are throwing it, they’re renting an awesome space and they got some kick-ass DJs.”

“I’m not nineteen yet, would I be able to get in?”

“It’s not the kind of party where people drink.” She winked at me.

“Oh, so they do other things?” I guessed. “Like a rave?”

She laughed. “I guess so, although I don’t know anyone who’d call it that. And don’t worry about supplies. I can hook you up with some great E if you want.”

I didn’t want to sound like a total rube by checking whether she meant what I thought she did by ‘E’, so I didn’t say anything. Caley gave me her number, though privately I thought there was no chance I’d be going. Jaden got back soon after; the trails had been too muddy for a long ride.

“How did you and Caley get along?” he asked on the drive home.

“Great. I love her look — she’s like a punked-out Botticelli. Though I get the impression she uses the punk to distract from the Botticelli-ness.”

He glanced at me. “You know, that’s a very astute description of Caley.'”

“You don’t have to sound so surprised.”

“I’m only surprised because you’re young.”

I rolled my eyes at him. “Just because seventeen rhymes with philistine...”

He laughed, and I couldn’t help joining in.

* * *

School that week was tolerable, but the weekend was way better. On Saturday I skipped into the house and dialed Jaden.

“Can you guess where your boy is right now?” I asked him smugly.

“Out on a date?”

“Better. He’s standing in the trailer, cool as a cucumber, eating some hay,” I told him airily.

“No way!” He sounded shocked.

“Uh-huh. I believe your trailer troubles are behind you. All you need to do now is take him for some short, stress-free test drives to make sure he’s okay when it’s moving.”

“Téa, you are absolutely, without a doubt, one of the most incredible people I know. Thank you,” he said fervently. “That is the best birthday present I’ve ever gotten, after Kermit himself.”

“When was your birthday?” I asked in surprise. Dec hadn’t mentioned anything, but then Dec, for all his efficiency, wasn’t great with things like birthdays.

“Two weeks ago.”

“Oh. Well, happy birthday.”

“I’ll be there tomorrow. I have to see this for myself.”

Dec hooked up the trailer in preparation for Jaden’s visit. Jaden went and got Kermit, but once outside he stopped and held the lead rope out to me.

“Do you want to take him? Since he’s used to you doing it?”

I smiled. “No, you go ahead. I want to you to get the full experience.”

Jaden turned toward the trailer. He looked relaxed enough on the surface, but I noted his tight grip on the lead rope and his frequent glances at Kermit as they neared the ramp. Kermit made me proud, though, and I felt my heart swell as he stepped nonchalantly onto the ramp and practically led Jaden inside. When Jaden came out he strode quickly up to me and before I knew it, he was hugging me tightly. My pulse quickened, and I broke into an instant sweat. When he released me I looked away, flustered.

“Thank you,” he said again, sincerely.

“Maybe you should wait until after the test drive to thank me,” I suggested.

We didn’t take Kermit far, a ten-minute ride was plenty for the first time. Dec, Seth, and Stephanie were waiting when we returned, and gave a cheer at our thumbs-up sign. Kermit seemed perfectly comfortable when he came out of the trailer and looked at me expectantly.

“I didn’t forget,” I laughed, feeding him an apple and petting his sleek mouse dun neck. It was such a pretty color.

“Well, I’m taking everyone out for dinner,” Jaden announced. “As for you — I owe you, Téa. If there’s anything you want, just ask.”

Over dinner, I decided to take Jaden up on his offer. Everyone was in a good mood, and I thought Dec would be more likely to agree with Jaden there.

“I have a favor to ask,” I told Jaden.

“Anything,” he replied promptly. He turned his full attention on me, and I felt my heart react again. Must have been nerves over what I was about to suggest.

“Would you teach me to play polo?” I asked. Dec glanced at me sharply.

“Of course,” Jaden answered, smiling. “I’d be happy to.”

Dec didn’t look happy, and I hastened to explain before he could start objecting. “Schweppes isn’t working out as a school horse, Dec. He’s not reliable enough; he’s a bit... touchy.” It was the truth. Just a very sedate version of it. “But I think he’d make a good polo pony, and then we could resell him and still make money on him.”

Dec looked unconvinced. “Polo is pretty dangerous, Téa. Jaden’s been hurt many times.”

“It’s not as though she’ll be playing in high-goal matches, Dec,” Jaden persuaded. “She only needs to learn the basics in order to train the horse. I promise I’ll take care of her.”

I could tell that Dec was sold before the sentence was finished, he seemed to think the sun rose and set on Jaden. And for once, I was glad of it.

* * *

April sucked.

The show season was swinging into gear, and though I was preparing my students, I had no horses to ride, which left me feeling empty and irritable. There was no further need to work with Kermit, and I couldn’t start training Schweppes without Jaden’s help.

In early April we got the results of our mid-terms back, and as I had feared, I did badly in everything except math. The principal called Dec to discuss the dramatic drop in my grades. When he got off the phone, Dec sat me down and yelled at me until I was almost in tears. Blue, sensing my distress, jumped into my lap; for some reason, the sight of me hugging his dog stopped Dec in his tracks.

I could feel myself sliding back into the dull grey half-life I’d led for three months. Teri noticed too, and so did Julia when she came to ride that weekend.

“Come on, T,” she encouraged, giving my shoulders a squeeze. “Cheer up. We should do something together. Hey, why don’t we go out?”

“Out where? It’s not like we can get into anyplace interesting,” Teri grumbled. Julia was a bit older than us, but still only eighteen.

“Actually,” I said slowly, “I know of a party we can go to.”

The girls looked at me in amazement. I wasn’t exactly a social butterfly.

“A friend of Jaden’s told me about a party that we won’t need ID for. She said most people will be doing E. Is that what I think it is?” I checked with Julia.

“Yup — ‘E’ is for Ecstasy.” Julia grinned. “Yay! When’s the party?”

“Next weekend.”

“Great!”

Teri and I exchanged a worried look. Julia was a lot more cosmopolitan than we were, she had tried Ecstasy once before, but neither Teri nor I had ever done anything remotely like that. After discussing it with Julia, though, we both started to get excited at the prospect. I called Caley and got the details.

“Um, Caley, I was wondering, will Jaden...”

“Don’t worry.” She laughed. “It’s been years since he’s come to any of these parties. He won’t be there, and I won’t tell.”

* * *

The only disappointing thing about the party being that weekend was that Seth couldn’t go, he had a swim meet. I’d always assumed that if we ever tried drugs, it would be together. While I was worried about not sharing the experience with him, Seth was more concerned about my safety. I reassured him as best I could; we were planning to take all possible precautions.

“Just pray the party doesn’t get raided,” he’d said grimly, “because if Dec finds out, you might as well ask them to keep you in jail, in protective custody.”

Our cover story was a sleepover at Julia’s. Once in Toronto, we left our jackets in my car and ran the short distance to the building, shivering. Inside, we hesitated, feeling self-conscious — at least, I was. It was very dark, and the music was unbelievably loud. The space was large and rectangular, with doors leading off one wall. It didn’t take us long to find Caley.

“Téa!” she exclaimed, hugging me. “Follow me, I’ll get you your stuff.”

She led the way into a smaller room; there were couches around the perimeter and a bar at one end. We followed her behind the bar.

“Here you go,” she said, handing me three small pills. “And don’t forget these.” She handed us each a bottle of water. “Make sure you keep drinking all night, the E will make you really hot so it’s important to stay hydrated. You can refill your bottles in the washroom if you want. Have fun!”

I handed each of the girls a pill. My hand was shaking. I couldn’t believe I was really about to do this. Teri and I exchanged an anxious look.

“Don’t worry,” Julia reassured us, seeing our nervous faces. “After this kicks in, you’ll have the best night of your lives.”

I took a deep breath. I wasn’t looking for the best night of my life, just one that was free of constant heartache. I swallowed my pill and quickly chased the bitterness with a mouthful of water. Julia followed suit. At the last minute, Teri decided to break hers in half before taking a portion.

“What now, Jules?” I asked.

“Now, we wait.”

We went back to the loud, dark main room and chilled in a corner. I don’t know how long we stood there before I noticed that my stomach felt weird. When I looked up the lights seemed to be pulsing differently — they were very compelling, somehow. I glanced at Teri and Julia.

“Are you ready to dance?” Julia asked, grinning.

We headed out onto the dance floor. Suddenly, everything else ceased to exist — there was only the music, the bass pounding through my bones, reverberating deliciously throughout my body. We danced for a seemingly endless time until Caley came and joined us.

“Hey, your water bottles are empty,” she said. “Come on, let’s go fill them up.”

Julia and Teri went with her, Teri taking my bottle first, but I didn’t want to leave the dance floor. I simply stood for a minute, my gaze wandering aimlessly.

And then my heart opened up.

Everything rushed at me. I thought of all the events of the past few months, but somehow, nothing hurt. There was no judgment attached to any of my thoughts. No matter what passed through my head, it all seemed... fine. For a minute I desperately missed Seth and wished he could be here, sharing this with me. I thought about Blaze, but the anger and pain and sense of injustice were missing. For the first time since his death, I could focus on how much I had loved him, on what he had brought to my life.

The girls rejoined me then, and we all exchanged a long hug. I was overcome by my love for my friends, too, but I needed some alone time. I wanted to think some more, now that my thoughts were separated from the agony that normally flavored them.

“I’m going for a little walk,” I said.

Teri handed me my refilled bottle and I wandered off. I ended up in the room with the couches and curled up on one of them, prepared to take stock.

I wished that Jaden could be here, too, although I suspected he wouldn’t approve. I didn’t know how I would have survived the past few months without him. It seemed incredible that I’d barely known him eight months ago; he was such a significant part of my life now. I thought about the risk he had taken, arranging for me to have time off school, and how much I’d appreciated his company that week. Of how much I always enjoyed his company. And I couldn’t help admiring him. After all, he was an admirable person. Not to mention unbelievably good-looking... was it strange to think that way about your cousin? I felt mildly surprised as the realization blossomed — I was crushing on Jaden. I was thinking of him as a boy, not as a relative. It was okay, though. Everything was great, now.

“Hi,” a voice said next to me.

I blinked and looked up slowly. A dark-haired boy sat next to me, smiling.

“Um, hi,” I replied.

“I’m Charlie.” He held out his hand, and I shook it, feeling inordinately happy to be meeting him. “Do you want to go dance?” he asked.

I suddenly missed Teri and Julia. I nodded and led the way back out to the booming main room. It seemed to have gotten larger and more confusing because it took me a while to find my way back to the girls. I introduced them to Charlie. He was tall and slim, I noticed, and quite attractive, although my standards for that kind of thing had been conclusively altered. Caley was right, we’d all gotten very hot, and I folded up my black tank top so that my waist was bare. I was happy that I’d worn the short black skirt that Julia had talked me into buying, but I wished I’d worn flat shoes — the ones I was wearing had a heel, albeit a low one. Even the heels couldn’t really bother me, though; everything felt wonderful to me now.

I had no idea how long we danced. I thought about Jaden a lot. I felt unbelievably lucky to know him, and I couldn’t wait to see him again. It seemed like no time at all before Julia said we’d have to leave soon. We had to be at her house before her father got home.

Charlie wandered off, and Teri and Julia went outside to get some air, but I wanted to dance some more. I’d only been alone a few minutes, however, before Charlie reappeared and wrapped his arms around me. It wasn’t that I minded, exactly, but I wanted to dance and be in my own space for a while, so after a few seconds I managed to get my hands onto his chest and pushed gently. He didn’t let go, though. I was about to try again when his body was suddenly yanked away from me. He was lifted off his feet, staggered a few steps, and was luckily caught and helped upright by the dancers next to us. I looked around in confusion — and froze.

Jaden was standing in front of me. I was thrilled to see him, but fortunately the expression on his face registered in time for me to squelch my impulse to throw myself at him. He looked... I couldn’t think of a word that sounded mad enough.

“Come,” he spat, grabbing my arm.

I don’t know why I resisted. I wanted to go with him. In fact, I couldn’t believe my luck in seeing him after thinking about him all night. But it was all happening so fast, and my brain was slow and bleary. I needed to find Ter and Jules, and I wasn’t done dancing yet. I dug in my heels. I was about to ask him to give me a minute when I found myself, once again, hanging over his broad shoulder.

“Not this again,” I muttered.

It was much more disorienting this time; my head swam until I barely knew which way was up. The bouncer’s deep voice brought my focus back somewhat.

“Hold on, buddy. Who have you got there? Is she okay?”

“This,” Jaden growled, “is my very under-age cousin, and she’s coming with me.”

“Let me see her,” the bouncer insisted.

Being put down was even more disorienting. I swayed and Jaden caught my shoulders, cursing.

“Is this your cousin, miss?” the bouncer asked kindly. “Do you want to go with him?”

“Yes,” I said, gazing, starstruck, up at Jaden’s face. I wanted to explain, to make him understand that everything was fine — wonderful, even — but he didn’t give me the chance. He dragged me outside, where Teri and Julia were huddled by the door.

“I’ve got her. Come with me,” he told them brusquely.

He started walking, but Teri ran ahead and blocked me.

“Wait,” she pleaded. She started pulling down the hem of my tank top, covering my exposed waist. My arm was freed instantly, and I looked over to see Jaden pulling off his jacket. He helped me into it and started unbuttoning his shirt. I watched, wide-eyed, until he pulled it off, revealing a T-shirt underneath. Julia and Teri were standing with their arms linked; he draped the shirt around both of their shoulders. Then, without a word, he yanked me along again.

Jaden marched me down the street, gripping my upper arm tightly. His long hand overlapped easily around it, and my hand was starting to go numb. Teri and Julia had to trot to keep up with the pace he set; I didn’t notice that we had reached his car until he opened the door. He barely waited for Ter and Jules to climb into the back seat before shoving me into the front. He slammed his door but said nothing as he pulled out of the parking space, and when I glanced over his face looked livid in the low light. I felt a twinge of nervousness. My high was definitely wearing off.

“What did you take?” he demanded.

“E-excuse me?” I stammered. It couldn’t be that obvious, could it? I felt like I was getting back to normal, except that I probably should have been cold in what I was wearing. My mouth was dry... where had I left that last water bottle?

“I’m not an idiot, Téa,” he spat from between clenched teeth. “Tell me what you took so I know what to watch out for. You have heard of bad trips, I assume?” he added scathingly.

His anger was dissipating the last of my beautiful, floaty, happy feelings, and I felt irritation begin to take their place.

“Fine then, I dropped some E,” I snapped.

“How many?”

“Just one,” I responded, too startled to remember to snap. Did he think I was some kind of drug addict? “I don’t do this a lot, Jaden. I mean, it’s not like I have a problem or anything,” I tried to explain.

“DO NOT TELL ME THAT YOU DON’T HAVE A PROBLEM!” he roared.

I cringed back against the seat, shocked. I realized I’d never heard him yell before; his usually smooth voice was staggeringly loud in the confines of the car.

“Three teenaged girls wandering the streets barely dressed at five a.m. is unquestionably a PROBLEM,” he ranted on. “And three girls alone downtown under the influence of drugs is downright idiotic!” He glared into his rearview mirror.

“Are you both high too?” he demanded, still very loud.

I turned to peek at Teri and Julia in the back seat. I’d almost forgotten they were there. They looked wide-eyed and pale under their makeup, and I wondered if I looked as young and frightened as they did right now. I felt a wave of remorse for getting them into this.

“Um... yes?” Julia whispered.

“Tell me exactly what you took, and how much,” Jaden ordered.

If it occurred to either girl to refuse him, it didn’t show.

“I took half a pill... I didn’t want to take a whole one... I didn’t know how I’d react, I was afraid to get sick or something,” Teri blurted out. She always talked too much when she was nervous, and I tried to reassure her with a quick smile.

“I took one pill, like Téa,” Julia said. “And hey, where are you taking us?”

I guess the drugs weren’t completely out of my system because that question jolted me into sudden alertness. I hadn’t even wondered where we were headed.

Jaden’s voice answered harshly, “Home to your parents.”

I stared at him uncomprehendingly for a minute before the little bubbles of panic rising inside me burst open.

“Home? No, NO, you CAN’T! You can’t bring me home looking like this, at this hour — DEC will be home! Do you have any idea what he’ll do to me?” It was my turn to yell. “And it’s not fair to Ter and Jules, they only came out because of me...” I felt angry tears welling up and stopped talking so my voice wouldn’t give me away.

Jaden’s face looked like it was set in stone. Alarmed whimpering from the back seat indicated I wasn’t the only one panicking.

“Jaden please, please, just drop us all off at my house. That’s where we were headed anyway,” Julia begged.

“I don’t feel safe leaving you alone in this condition.” At least he wasn’t yelling anymore.

“My dad’s a doctor, he’s coming off the night shift at the hospital soon. We’ll be totally safe with him there,” Julia persuaded softly.

Jaden hesitated, then shook his head.

“I’ll drop you and Teri off, but Téa’s coming with me.” He gave me a look that quelled my argument in my throat.

The drive to Julia’s was quiet after that. Other than her occasional murmured directions, no one spoke. The girls shot me anxious glances as they got out of the car, and I tried to smile at them. Jaden walked them to the door, then got in and resumed driving without a word.

I couldn’t stay angry in the afterglow of the Ecstasy, but I did manage to sulk for a while until I realized we were headed back into the city.

“Where are we going?” I asked timidly. I didn’t want to set him off again.

“I’m taking you to my place,” he answered tersely.

A wave of relief washed over me, and I looked down to hide my smile. I could deal with whatever came tomorrow; right now I was exhausted. I just wanted to sleep. Preferably for a few days.

We ascended to the loft in silence. I kicked off my shoes, very happy to be rid of the heels, and turned to look at Jaden, my stomach clenching with sudden apprehension. He was in the kitchen.

“Sit,” he commanded, indicating the couch.

He joined me a minute later and handed me a glass of water and two Tylenols. I didn’t ask any questions, and drank all the water after swallowing the pills. I hadn’t realized how thirsty I was. He got up without a word and refilled my glass.

“Thanks,” I mumbled as he sat back down.

He sat with his elbows on his knees and stared at the floor. I could see a muscle working in his jaw despite the dim light; my anxiety increased as the silence wore on.

“Are you going to tell Dec?” I finally whispered.

“I don’t know,” he answered in a low voice. He didn’t look up. “Honestly, I’d rather not, but I’m worried about you. This self-destructive behavior has to stop.”

“Since when is going out considered destructive?”

At that, his head whipped around and he leaned toward me, eyes blazing. Uh-oh.

“Do we really need to recap the utter insanity of your behavior tonight?” he retorted cuttingly. I shrank away from him, wide-eyed, and shook my head slightly. I’d never seen Jaden really angry before. I felt suddenly very conscious of the fact that he and Dec were related.

“I wasn’t trying to hurt myself,” I explained in a whisper. “It’s the opposite. I wanted to feel... alive again.”

His expression softened, along with his tone. “Téa, I appreciate that things have been very difficult for you lately, but it’s not just tonight. Ever since the accident, you’ve been struggling. I understand that.”

I seriously doubted it, but elected to keep quiet.

“The level of grief you’re dealing with would be hard for anyone to handle,” he went on. He was watching my face carefully now. “But the accident was not your fault.”

Something snapped.

“Stop it!” I yelled, jumping up from the couch. “I am so SICK of everyone telling me it’s not my fault!” I shouted down at his startled face. “It IS my fault! I’m the one who wanted to go to the stupid show! I’m the one who slept in and made us late and put us in that intersection at exactly the wrong time. And-” I bit back the rest of my sentence, clamping my teeth together.

I watched several emotions flicker across his face: surprise, understanding, dismay... then suddenly he was towering over me, an absolute glare on his face.

“You’re lying,” he hissed.

I started to recoil from his anger, but he grabbed the tops of my arms and held me in place.

“Tell me what happened.” It wasn’t a suggestion.

I gave my head a small shake, too stunned to speak.

“Téa,” he growled furiously, “for months now your entire family has been sick with worry, watching you try and fail to deal with Blaze’s death-”

I flinched at the words.

“...and now I find out you’ve been lying to us? No wonder you’re not coping!”

I stared at the floor. He had a right to be angry, but this wasn’t only my secret. I didn’t want to betray Karen.

“Tell me,” he ordered again, giving me a shake.

“I can’t,” I whispered.

“Let me make myself clear.” His voice was hard now, as unyielding as granite. “You tell me what’s going on, or else.”

My head shot up at the threat. The obvious retort — ‘or else, then’ — died on my lips when I caught sight of Jaden’s face. His expression was coldly furious.

“Jaden?” I said his name uncertainly.

He blinked, then shoved me away from him and stalked down the hall. The bedroom door slammed behind him.

I dropped onto the couch and curled into a ball, my face in my hands, and found I was sobbing. I was dumbfounded, as if Chocolate Chip had suddenly tried to savage me. I didn’t know how much time passed, but I felt him sink onto the couch next to me. He didn’t say anything but started rubbing my back gently. Despite my wildly fluctuating emotions, I was hyper-aware of the warmth of his touch.

As I controlled my crying he spoke.

“Look, I know you probably hate me right now, but you need to stay here tonight, okay?” His voice was low, and rough with emotion. I nodded into my hands. How could he think I would hate him? That was impossible, but I was still too chagrined to look at him.

I felt him start to rise and reached out blindly to grab his arm. I looked up at him warily, feeling the tears still wet on my face. His expression jolted me — I expected anger or frustration, but there was none. He looked absolutely shattered, the pain in his eyes unmistakable. But I had no time to wonder at it, because at the sight of my face he sank back down quickly and gathered me in his arms.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered against my hair.