Eight

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I awoke slowly the next morning. I didn’t know how long I’d been sleeping, but I felt surprisingly good. I recognized the familiar warm brown walls of Jaden’s bedroom. Memories of the night before — well, earlier this morning, really — began to return to me. We hadn’t talked much, after our intense but confusing exchange. I was so exhausted that I’d almost fallen asleep in his arms. He had supported me into the bedroom and found me a T-shirt to sleep in. Crawling into bed was the last thing I remembered.

I stretched, expecting to be sore from all the dancing, but except for a twinge in my legs from the heels, I was fine. I got up; I really needed to use the bathroom. I was nervous about seeing Jaden, but my body’s needs wouldn’t be denied, so I tiptoed out quietly. After peeing and swishing some mouthwash around in my very dry mouth, I realized I was thirsty again and hazarded a trip to the kitchen. As I was getting a glass of water I noticed Jaden’s feet hanging over the edge of the couch. I padded over and gazed down at his sleeping form. The lines of his face were softened in sleep; he looked younger, and so beautiful it made my heart ache.

I took a deep breath. These were not thoughts I could afford to be having. Last night, while I was high, anything had seemed possible, but in the cold light of day it was clear that these were feelings I had to deny. I cringed at the very idea of what Jaden would think of me if he knew.

I decided I might as well shower. I took my time, enjoying the feeling of the drops hitting my skin. It seemed that some of my heightened sensory appreciation was lingering. I wondered if that was normal — I’d have to ask Teri and Julia how they were feeling. For a moment I wished I was with them, comparing notes in the aftermath of our crazy experience instead of dealing with the emotional drama of being at Jaden’s, but that wish quickly passed. It was right for me to be here.

I wrapped myself in a big towel and was headed for the bedroom when Jaden’s voice made me jump and whirl around.

“Good morning.”

He was standing in the hallway, holding a glass of orange juice, the other hand shoved into his pocket. He was wearing wrinkled clothes from the night before, stubble darkened his jaw, and his hair was sticking up in all directions, yet my breath still caught in my throat at the sight of him. Damn, I was in trouble.

“Hi,” I stammered.

“How do you feel?” His eyes were appraising, wandering over my face. I felt a rush of warmth go through me and ducked my head so he wouldn’t see my blush.

“Fine,” I responded. Though confused, tormented and guilty would have been closer to the truth. “How are you?”

“I’m in dire need of a cup of coffee and some breakfast, actually. And the fridge is empty, so I’m taking you out.” He went into the bathroom and I heard the shower start. In the bedroom I realized with dismay that I had nothing to wear — my clothes were back at Julia’s house. I didn’t want to put my sweaty things from last night back on and in any case I’d freeze in them. I put Jaden’s T-shirt back on in the meantime, and went out to the living room so he’d have some privacy to dress. He was faster than me in the shower; it was only minutes later that he dropped onto the couch next to me, fully dressed and smelling faintly of soap. I was shocked at how much I wanted to touch him, suddenly, now that he was so close. I leaned away slightly and didn’t look at him, just to be safe.

“How are you, really?” he asked quietly.

“I told you, I’m... good. Only I don’t have anything to wear,” I said, happy to steer the conversation in less thorny directions.

“Oh, right. Well, let’s go see what we can find. Everything of mine is going to be huge on you.”

I followed him to the bedroom, where he started ransacking his closet and tossing potential items my way. There was a grey sweatshirt that looked promising, but pants were an issue; I swam in all of them. I finally ended up in his smallest pair of jeans, folded up at the bottoms and cinched up tight with a belt that fortunately had holes all the way around.

“You look like a little kid playing dress-up,” he chuckled.

“I feel like a scarecrow,” I complained. “All my stuff is at Julia’s.”

He handed me his phone. “Why don’t you ask them to join us? Then she can bring your clothes.”

Neither Julia or Teri answered their phones, though, so I left them messages with the name of the restaurant Jaden gave me, and we headed for the door.

“Does Julia have her car?” he asked as he strode around scooping up keys and wallet.

“Yup.”

His sudden frown made me cringe mentally. I could practically see where his thoughts were headed.

“How were you planning to get to Julia’s if I hadn’t shown up?”

I shook my head, not looking at him. “Please don’t ask, Jaden.”

A hand caught my arm and pulled me forward; hard fingers forced my chin up.

“I’m asking.” His voice was hard, too.

“Well, I drove us there...” I couldn’t bring myself to continue while his eyes were burning into mine.

His face tightened, and the grip on my arm increased uncomfortably, but he didn’t say anything, just kept searching my face with those incredible eyes.

“What are you thinking?” I whispered finally.

“I’m debating how irresponsible I’m being by letting you get away with this,” he admitted. He took in my confused look and clarified. “Consider it from my perspective, Téa. If I tell Dec, I’m afraid he’ll hurt you. If I don’t tell him, I’m afraid you’ll hurt yourself.”

His hands on my arm and chin were warm, and his eyes were lit by concern. I heard the murmur of his voice continue, but I didn’t absorb his words. Instead, I noticed how beautifully the amber and limpid brown tones in his eyes complemented each other. I wondered how those scolding lips would feel pressed against mine... a tremor went through me, and I gave myself a mental shake. What was I thinking? This was wrong, so very wrong. Was it just the lingering effects of the Ecstasy that were making me think these patently twisted things? Or had the drugs merely revealed what had been brewing in my subconscious all along? I trembled in earnest at the thought.

He released me, and I snapped back to awareness.

“Are you okay?” he asked. His brows were pulled together.

“Um, yes.” I swallowed and tried to focus. “It’s just a lot to think about before we’ve even had coffee.”

He grinned suddenly and steered me toward the door.

We picked a booth in the restaurant’s rather dim interior. We had just ordered coffee when Jaden’s phone rang; he handed it to me after answering and mouthed ‘Teri’.

“Hey girl,” I greeted her warmly. I noticed that I still felt very affectionate toward my girlfriends too — maybe my reaction toward Jaden would fade, become more reasonable. I could only hope.

“Are you okay, hon?” she asked in a rush. “We felt so bad for you yesterday, Jaden looked absolutely grim. Was he mean to you?”

“No, don’t worry, it was fine. Are you coming?”

Teri assured me they were on their way — along with my clothes — but told us to go ahead and eat, as they’d be a while. Jaden stared into his coffee for a minute, stirring it needlessly.

“They were afraid I’d be rough on you,” he guessed. He glanced up; I shrugged. “I was rough. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have tried to force you to talk to me. Especially when you were exhausted and coming down.”

“You apologized already,” I pointed out, “and you really don’t need to, because you didn’t do anything.”

“The fact that I could even threaten you is inexcusable. I know that.” He paused, running his hand through his hair so that it fell, tousled, into his eyes. I leaned across the table toward him.

“Don’t be stressed about it, Jaden,” I told him sincerely. “I’m not.”

“It’s that obvious?”

“You always start messing up your hair when you’re upset.”

His eyes flew to mine, startled.

“Oh come on,” I said doubtfully, “I can’t be the first person to tell you that.”

“The first since my mother, years ago,” he said. He was looking at me strangely.

“Well, I hate to break it to you, but you haven’t kicked the habit.”

He responded with a small, fond smile, and I could only gaze at him in a stupor while my heart swelled mightily inside my chest. Fortunately, our food arrived at that moment, or my secret might have been spilled right then.

“Eat, Téa,” he said gently a few minutes later.

I realized I’d been picking at my food without really noticing.

“It’s my fault, isn’t it. I made you think about Blaze, I pressured you, and now you’re anxious again.” He looked disgusted with himself. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t want him to blame himself, but I couldn’t exactly tell him the real reason I had no appetite was that I had a crush on him. A huge, embarrassing, illicit crush.

“No, don’t feel bad. It’s not you. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of Blaze, anyway, and... if I could talk to anyone about what happened, it would be you.”

“What do you mean? Haven’t you even talked to Seth or your girlfriends?”

I shook my head. I was getting into dangerous territory here, but I couldn’t stand to see Jaden looking so troubled. He opened his mouth, then determinedly closed it again, frowning in concern. He obviously didn’t want to upset me further. I stared down at my plate. My hands formed fists in my lap. I tried to tell myself that I was doing this because I trusted Jaden, trusted him completely, but the truth was that I simply wanted to make him feel better.

“Jaden.” I took a deep breath; my heart was racing. “The day of the accident... I was driving. I’m the one who didn’t see that truck coming.” I barely mumbled the words, but his sharp intake of breath indicated that he’d heard me. I heard him start to get up; that made me look up swiftly. I caught his harrowed expression and shook my head.

“Don’t,” I said desperately. If he tried to comfort me now I would go completely to pieces. He sank back down unwillingly and reached his hand across the table, palm up. I hesitated, but I couldn’t help myself — I put my hand in his and felt a shiver go through me as his warm hand wrapped tightly around my cold one.

“Téa, honey, you know it’s still not your fault, right? That truck went barreling through a red light. There was nothing you could have done.” His voice was passionate, persuasive. “No wonder you’ve been having such a hard time... but why the secret?” He was rubbing his thumb across the back of my hand; it felt as though every nerve ending in my body was somehow attached to that skin.

“Because,” I explained haltingly, “I wasn’t supposed to be driving. I only had my learner’s permit. But Karen was sick, so I talked her into it and after the accident, she didn’t want me to get in trouble for it.”

“She would have been in just as much trouble as you,” Jaden said grimly.

I made myself look him in the eye. “You can’t tell anyone, Jaden. Promise me.”

He didn’t hesitate. “I promise.” He squeezed my hand and held my gaze while he continued gently. “But you should tell Dec, honey.”

I stared at him in disbelief. He had obviously taken leave of his senses.

“Téa, don’t you see? You’ve been struggling with this massive guilt because you haven’t been able to tell the whole truth about what happened. It doesn’t matter that you’re completely innocent. On top of the grief, and survivor’s guilt, you have this big secret to carry around... this misplaced sense of responsibility for Karen. Poor baby, it’s no wonder you’re overwhelmed.”

His sympathy was too much for me. I pulled my hand away and leaned back against the seat, my head hanging. I gritted my teeth and dug my nails into my palms to keep from crying. It worked, after a minute I was able to breathe normally again. I picked up my fork, stabbed a potato with unnecessary force, and glared at him as I chewed.

“Happy now?” I demanded.

He smiled slowly. “Yes.”

I studied him surreptitiously as we ate. I loved the curved lines on either side of his mouth. They made him look like he’d just been smiling, or was about to smile. I also remembered how much I used to dislike him; it seemed inconceivable to me now.

“You’re smiling,” he commented. He looked happy to see it.

“I was just remembering how I used to think you were an arrogant jerk,” I said, grinning.

He laughed. “I’m glad you phrased it in the past tense, at least,” he said. “I, on the other hand, started out with a fairly high opinion of you. And it’s only increased as I’ve gotten to know you better.”

“Oh. I, um... thanks,” I stammered, feeling a rush of blood to my face. “Even after last night?” I added hesitantly.

“I can’t judge you for that. I made a lot of mistakes during my teens. I only hope I can help you avoid some of my more painful ones.” He looked uncomfortable. “Who was that boy you were with last night?”

It took me several seconds to understand what he was asking. “He’s just a boy we met at the party, his name is, um, Charlie,” I remembered.

Jaden’s jaw tightened. It looked as though he had more to say on the subject, but right then Julia and Teri arrived. I clambered out of the booth and hugged them both for a long moment. Jaden got up too, and as I released the girls he gave each of them a kiss on the cheek. I grinned at their identical, mildly stunned looks.

When we sat back down Jaden pulled me onto the seat next to him. I was electrically aware of his body only a few inches from mine; I tried hard to act natural.

“What did you guys do when you got home?” I asked the girls after they’d ordered.

“We sat around and talked until the sun came up, then we fell asleep,” Teri said. “How about you?”

“About the same,” I said wryly.

“How do you feel?” Julia asked me.

“Um...” I stole a glance at Jaden; he rolled his eyes at me.

“I already know what you’ve been up to, Téa. You might as well talk about it.” He noticed Teri and Julia’s doubtful faces. “I’m done yelling,” he promised.

Teri, Julia and I compared notes. They both had the ongoing heightened senses. Julia, though, had also woken up with a splitting headache.

“Is that why you gave me the Tylenol?” I asked Jaden. I was surprised, and touched, to remember that he had given it to me while he was still angry.

He nodded. “Some people seem prone to headaches or vomiting when they’re coming down, but you never know what’s in those drugs. That’s what makes it so dangerous.” He paused. “That was your first time, wasn’t it?”

At my nod, he sighed. “Look, I’m doing my utmost not to lecture all of you, but I hope you didn’t walk into that party and buy drugs from a complete stranger because that’s the epitome of dangerous, high-risk behavior.”

I glanced over quickly and caught the girls’ eyes, hoping they could read the message on my face. I didn’t want to get Caley in trouble, and the way Jaden was behaving almost guaranteed he wouldn’t be happy with the truth.

“Well, you can relax, I got the pills from a friend of mine,” Julia assured him coolly. I was relieved she’d spoken up instead of Teri, who was looking decidedly nervous in the face of Jaden’s questioning.

“All right. Then there’s just one more thing-”

I groaned, and he flashed me a quick grin. “Here it is: if you ever find yourself in an altered state again — whether you’ve been drinking, doing drugs, even if you’re just tired — don’t even consider driving home, okay? Call me, and I’ll come get you. No questions asked, I promise.”

We agreed. He made Teri and Julia hand him their phones so that he could put his number in. He looked at me and I rolled my eyes.

“I know, I’m the last person in the civilized world without a cell phone.”

“I still expect you to call me.”

We stayed a while longer, talking and drinking way too much coffee, but I had to be home to feed that evening and it was getting late. I went and changed into my own clothes before we went outside, into the glorious spring sunshine.

Jaden opened the car door for me. It was warm and comfortable inside, and I leaned back and enjoyed the rich tones of the sound system as he drove. He always seemed to have music on.

“Don’t think I didn’t notice you telling Julia to lie,” he said suddenly.

“‘Lie’ is a bit harsh,” I protested.

“So that’s the unvarnished truth — the drugs came from her friend, and you had nothing to do with it?” He sounded severe; it aggravated me.

“Can’t you just let it drop already?” I asked testily.

He looked surprised for a second, then said slowly, “I’m not sure that I should.”

“Sorry. It’s just that I don’t need another father figure in my life trying to control me, Jaden.”

There was silence for a minute; I started to worry that I’d offended him.

“What do you need, Téa?” he asked quietly.

The question caught me by surprise. I needed a lot of things — my mother back, Blaze back — but what sprang to mind first was Jaden. The one thing I definitely could never have.

I gulped. “Just be my friend.”

“I will always be that.” He pulled into the lot where my car was parked. Julia and Teri were following behind us.

He turned to me. “Will you think about what I said? About telling Dec?”

Truthfully, I had filed away his request as soon as he’d made it, under the heading of ‘not in this lifetime’.

“Why is it so important to you?” I asked a question rather than lie to him.

“Because I think it will help to extirpate your feelings of guilt,” he said.

Only Jaden could use a word like ‘extirpate’ and not sound like a total geek, I thought with a smile. I turned toward him, still smiling, and found myself being pulled into a hug. I hugged him back fiercely, my heart breaking into a mad dash. His body was hard, but very warm. I pulled away first — I liked being in his arms far, far too much to stay there. This was something I’d have to get under control, and quickly.

* * *

The rest of the day had a dreamlike quality. Teri fell asleep during the drive, but I didn’t mind. I pondered the unlikelihood of Jaden having found me. It felt like fate, somehow. He’d gone to see Jesse’s band playing down the street, and on his way home he had seen Teri and Julia standing outside. What were the odds?  I was alone in the house until Seth came in after dinnertime.

“How was the swim meet?”

“Awesome. I was second in the hundred-meter backstroke and I won the fifty-meter crawl. And I met the most amazing girl!” he said. “How was your night out?”

I filled him in on the details and heard about his weekend with Melissa, the girl from Montreal who he’d met at the swim meet. It was nice to catch up with Seth, to sit and laugh and share everything... well, almost everything. For some reason, I didn’t tell him about my drug-induced epiphany. That was something I wanted to squelch on my own.

I was tired and went to bed by nine, but I couldn’t sleep. There was too much to think about, not the least of which was Jaden’s request. I heard Dec come home around ten, and I waited a while, giving him a chance to unwind. And gathering my courage. Then I climbed out of bed and went downstairs, shivering slightly in my PJs.

“Hi honey, how was the sleepover?” Dec asked from the couch. He looked tired.

“Great, thanks.”

I perched on the edge of the couch, as far away from him as possible. I stared at my hands, clasped in my lap — now that I was actually doing this it seemed considerably harder than it had from my warm bed.

“Is everything okay?” he asked, sounding concerned. I sighed. I was tired of being the object of everyone’s worry.

“Dec, I need to tell you something. But I’m hoping you’ll promise me something first,” I began hesitantly.

“What?” he asked suspiciously.

“Please don’t take this out on anyone else. This is my fault. Just remember that, okay?”

“All right,” he answered tensely.

I swallowed hard. “It’s about... the accident.” I clasped and unclasped my fingers; this was a lot more difficult than telling Jaden had been. My heart was pounding painfully in my chest. Dec leaned toward me, and I could feel the anxiety rolling off him.

“What about it?” he demanded.

“I... well, when it happened... I was driving,” I whispered. I was too nervous to look at him, and he didn’t say anything right away; by the time he spoke I was trembling.

“Why the hell would Karen let you drive?”

I flinched. He hadn’t spoken loudly, but the fact that he would swear was a clear indication he was furious. Haltingly, I explained the events of that day. I went into more detail than I had earlier, each one stabbing painfully into my gut as I dredged up the memories I’d tried so hard to bury. Dec listened more quietly than I would have thought possible.

“Well,” was all he said at the end. He leaned back into the couch.

“Please don’t blame Karen,” I renewed my plea after a few minutes.

“Tell me something,” he said quietly, “have you been keeping this quiet for so long to protect her? Or because you were afraid to tell me that you drove?”

I thought about it. I’d been keeping the secret for so long that I barely remembered. At the time, amid so many other crushing emotions, not revealing who had been in the driver’s seat had seemed a minor detail.

“I don’t know. It seemed pointless to tell. I mean, it wouldn’t have changed anything.” It wouldn’t bring Blaze back. “I don’t think I was that worried about your reaction, to tell you the truth.” I hazarded a look his way; I was being unusually honest with him. He nodded, looking relieved.

“Well, I’m glad it wasn’t because you were... nervous about what I would say.” He paused. “Or do.”

I stared at him, wide-eyed. This was something we never talked about. And I didn’t want to start.

“Listen, kiddo, I have to talk to Karen about this. Now, don’t panic,” he tried to appease me, and I bit my lip so he could finish. “This isn’t something I can just let go. I need to be able to trust her, our friendship goes back a long way. I expected better of her than this.”

I hung my head, feeling the sting of his words as though they were directed at me. I was sure he had expected better of me, too.

“Why did you decide to tell me, after all this time?” he asked.

“I guess I was feeling guilty.”

He cleared his throat. I was surprised at how gentle his voice was when he went on. “Téa, you made some bad choices, but you’ve suffered a lot. I forgive you for whatever you may have done — the driving, the lying, all of that. It’s not important anymore. Do you understand?”

“Okay,” I said uncertainly.

He nodded. “That said, I’m still going to punish you. This isn’t a minor offense, Téa. You’re grounded for a month.”

That would mean almost to the end of May. I sighed and started to get up, but Dec’s hand on my arm stopped me.

“While we’re here, there’s something I’ve been wanting to tell you, too. About last fall — I regret not letting you go to the Royal. I shouldn’t have done that.”

I gazed at him in surprise. It was the closest thing to an apology I’d ever gotten from Dec. I didn’t know what to say. I settled for a nod and went to bed.

* * *

I left Jaden a voicemail next day. “Hey cuz. Hope you got a better night’s sleep last night. I suspect I got some sort of minor brain aneurysm on Saturday, because I actually took your advice and told Dec. He took it well, I’m only grounded for a month. Thanks again for everything.”

He called a few hours later. “He grounded you?” he said incredulously.

“Yes, but... wait... are you done?” I asked when he paused in his tirade.

“I suppose.”

“Good. Because, as weird as it sounds, I’m okay with it.”

“Oh. Well, all right then.”

“Please note this does not mean that I subscribe to any of your other crazy pop-psycho ideas.”

“Duly noted. I’ve got to go study for my exams but I’ll be done after next week, and then we can start schooling that pony of yours, okay?”

I had never looked forward to training so much in my life.

* * *

The following Saturday was such a gorgeous spring day that Teri and I decided to go for a hack. Technically, I probably shouldn’t have been going on a hack for fun while I was grounded, but riding was a grey area for me since much of it counted as work. I decided this fell under the heading of ‘training’ since I was riding Schweppes and he needed to get a lot fitter if he was going to be a polo pony.

We set out gaily, admiring the fresh green tones and the baby-blue, wispy-clouded sky. The sun was warm, but a fitful breeze kept us comfortable in our T-shirts, jeans, and half-chaps. We were riding side by side down a wide path. It would be ceilinged by trees in the summer, but at this time of year, the sun shone patchily through the bud-laden branches.

“Are we going to the Thomson’s show in three weeks?” Teri asked. I felt a tightening in my chest as I thought about Blaze and my big plans for this year’s show season, but the pain was manageable now. I took a few steady breaths and shook my head.

“No, I’ve got to go to Stacey’s birthday party. I wish I could skip it and do the show instead,” I groused.

“Bummer,” Teri sympathized. “But you’re taking Winter to the Spring show, right?”

I nodded. We were both quiet for a while, and I’m sure Teri was thinking about Blaze, too.

“How’s the polo training going?” she asked finally, indicating Schweppes’ golden form.

I grinned. “I have no idea, really. So far I’ve just been brushing up on his flatwork — you know, tight turns and rapid stops, that kind of thing. Jaden’s going to help me now though, he just finished his exams.”

“That’s right, law school. He’s so smart. I guess it runs in your family, you lucky duck.”

I chuckled, but I was uncomfortable with the way she mentioned Jaden. I reminded myself that of course everyone thought of him as my cousin — he was — and that it didn’t matter, anyway. But I felt compelled to remind Teri of our status, all the same.

“Remember, Jaden and I aren’t related by blood. So there’s no correlation between our intellects. Not that I’m in his league, anyway.”

“Oh, right. You know, I always thought Jaden was kind of intimidating until we went out for brunch,” she said thoughtfully, “but he’s really nice, isn’t he?”

I tried to shrug nonchalantly, but I felt my cheeks warming. Anyway, I couldn’t disagree, because it was the truth.

“Yes, he’s been really.... supportive since Blaze died.”

“And man, he’s good-looking! I didn’t think anyone who looked like that could be so nice, too. It’s not fair,” she went on animatedly.

“Um, yeah, I guess so,” I stammered. It was even more unfair when that person is your cousin.

Teri looked at me curiously.

“Hey, let’s canter,” I suggested brightly, “the footing’s good here, not too muddy.”

“Hold on a minute.” She looked at me, frowning slightly. “What’s up with you?”

I leaned forward and played with Schweppes’ white-blond mane, carefully keeping my eyes down.

“Nothing,” I said lightly.

Teri had been my best friend for seven years. She knew me well, and she was very perceptive. I scrambled to change the subject, but before I could speak she asked, “Is it about Jaden?”

“Is what about him?”

“Why can’t you look at me?”

I looked at her, frowning.

“Oh my God! You like him, don’t you?”

“Of course I like him, he’s my cousin,” I retorted, flushing.

“Come on, Téa! It’s me — why didn’t you tell me?”

I scrutinized her face. There was no judgment there, only a slight smile. Her light green eyes were bright with curiosity.

I sighed. “It’s just so embarrassing, you know? Don’t you think it’s weird, that I’m crushing on my cousin?”

“I have news for you, Téa, I think the whole barn’s crushing on your cousin.” She giggled. “Why should you be any different? Anyway, like you said, you’re not really related.”

I felt myself getting lighter and lighter, as though I was inflating with happiness. Teri didn’t think I was some twisted, weird sicko. The relief was intense.

“So when did you know? And what are you going to do about it?” she questioned excitedly.

“It’s been creeping up on me for a while now, but I think I was in denial.” I grimaced. “And I’m not doing anything about it. To tell you the truth, I’m pretty sure he thinks of me as a kid. And an irresponsible one, at that — I mean, look at all the trouble I’ve gotten into this year.”

She nodded, looking pensive. We got to a stream and let our horses splash their way across.

“You know, you may have gotten in a lot of trouble this year, but Jaden’s actually helped you out of it a few times, hasn’t he?” she said suddenly.

“I guess so. Except for the track,” I said thoughtfully, seeing where she was headed.

“But you said he felt really bad about that.”

“Yes, so maybe all the subsequent help was just prompted by guilt. Maybe he was just atoning for the racetrack blunder.”

“Well then, maybe you just need to let him atone some more,” she countered.

We looked at each other suddenly and giggled. It seemed so normal now, like all the other times we had discussed whether a boy liked us.

We enjoyed our hack, and so did Schweppes and Picasso. We were walking them home when Teri brought up Jaden again.

“You think that he sees you as a kid, right?” she asked.

“Uh-huh.”

“So if we could get him to see you differently,” she said, “then you could find out how he feels about you.”

“I’m with you in theory, but how do I do that?”

Teri eyed me critically.

“To be honest, you do look young — it’s not just you,” she added quickly as I made a face. “I have the same problem, it’s because we’re short.” She made it sound like a dirty word, and I snickered. “But also... well, you never wear any makeup. Not that you need it — but it’ll make you look older. And you don’t dress up much, either. You know what you need?” she exclaimed, practically bouncing in her saddle, “A makeover!”

We locked eyes, grinning, and spoke simultaneously. “Julia!”

Back at the barn, we sent Julia a text message, not mentioning Jaden by name, and asked if she could help with the makeover project. By that point I was fairly enthusiastic about the whole idea. Within a few hours I had gone from shame and discomfort about my hidden feelings, to — well, not exactly joy, since I was still conflicted — but tentative hope. 

Julia called that night and was, predictably, thrilled at the thought of orchestrating my makeover. She was also burning with curiosity about my mysterious crush, but I refused to give her any clues over the phone. I was a bit nervous about telling her — sure, Teri had taken the news in stride, but then Teri was a very accepting person.

As I hung up the phone in the kitchen it occurred to me that I hadn’t even spoken to Seth about my feelings. I thought that was a bit odd, but reflected that maybe some things are easier to share with a girlfriend than with your brother, no matter how close you are to him. I decided to give him a heads-up, though, before this makeover scheme made him curious. I wandered into the living room where Seth was sprawled on the couch, his long legs crossed at the ankle, watching TV.

“Hey, d’you have a minute?” My voice sounded unnatural in my ears.

“Sure.”

He heaved himself off the couch and followed me to my room, where he flopped on the bed. I started pacing, not sure where to begin.

“Dude, what’s up? Why the caged animal routine?” He was watching me curiously.

I sat next to him. “Look, I have to tell you something, and it’s a bit... well, don’t freak out, okay?”

He nodded.

“I’m interested in someone,” I started hesitantly. Seth’s expression brightened. “But I’m not sure how he feels about me. And he’s a bit older-”

“How much older?” he interrupted.

“Almost six years.”

“That’s not too bad,” he said encouragingly. Then, as an afterthought, he added, “Do I know him?”

“Yes,” I almost whispered, gazing at the floorboards. “You know him very well.”

“Aaand...”

I swallowed. Why was this so hard? Seth was the one person I was closest to on the entire planet. He knew everything about me.

“C’mon, Sis, the suspense is killing me here,” he joked.

I looked at him anxiously, wanting to gauge his reaction.

“It’s Jaden,” I said quietly.

Seth’s eyes flew wide. He looked dumbfounded. I waited nervously for him to say something; the seconds ticked by.

“Jaden, our cousin?” he specified finally, as though hoping I might have a spare, unrelated one tucked away somewhere.

“Yes.”

Seth dropped his face into his hands.

“Just say it, Seth — tell me what you’re thinking, no matter how bad it is,” I urged.

He looked up. “What I’m thinking is that you’re nuts.”

I looked away from him. The happy bubble inside me burst, leaving a dull heaviness in its place. I must have known, subconsciously, that Seth would react this way because there was no surprise mingled with the weight.

“Aw, come on, T, don’t look like that,” he pleaded. “You know I want you to be happy. If it was any other guy, I’d say go for it. But Jaden? Think of what’s at stake here. D’you want Dec to be sorry he kept us?”

I understood what Seth meant. For a time, after our mom died, we had felt insecure about our living arrangements. It wasn’t rational, really — Dec had never given any indication that he didn’t want us — but we lived with a feeling of doubt until Seth confided in Gran one day. She reassured us that there was no question of our leaving, and when Dec found out he said the same. His grief at my mother’s death was intense, and he hadn’t noticed our preoccupation the way Gran did. Seth and I were vastly relieved, and we remained grateful that our ‘Foster family’, as we jokingly called it, had embraced us so completely... so it would be the height of ingratitude to cause dissension in that family. I understood Seth’s feelings and even shared them. Sitting here in my bedroom, I could try to pretend that what I felt for Jaden wasn’t that strong, but I knew the minute I saw him again, all those carefully constructed arguments would melt in the heat of his presence.

“So you think I should just ignore it and hope it goes away?” I asked.

“Sure, why not?” He shrugged. “It happens all the time.”

“To you.”

“What are you saying, that what you feel for him is... serious?”

“Honestly, Seth,” I said with a touch of impatience, “do you think I would even bring it up if it weren’t serious? This is no passing crush, it’s, well, it’s deeper than that.” I felt my face coloring as I tripped over the end of my sentence.

“Come on, T, how many people have serious relationships at seventeen? I mean relationships that last?” He was speaking quickly now, trying to persuade me. “Even if things were all right while you guys went out, think of what would happen when you broke up. What if you hated each other?”

“That wouldn’t happen,” I protested. “I can’t imagine ever hating him.”

“It’s a pretty common occurrence. And you’re both intense people — look at the spats you’ve gotten into already when there’s nothing at stake.”

I fell silent, thinking. Seth was giving voice to all the doubts and misgivings I’d been struggling with since acknowledging my feelings for Jaden. And moreover, he was right. What was I doing? I couldn’t risk the family harmony of my entire extended clan just to gratify my own desires; that would be appallingly selfish. And I couldn’t risk alienating them, they were the only family — and only home — that I had. I turned the question over in my mind, but no matter what angle I viewed it from, the answer remained the same. My only option was to learn to suppress my feelings.

I looked into my brother’s clear blue eyes, and the love and concern in them only strengthened my resolve. I couldn’t do anything that Seth was so opposed to.

“You’re right,” I conceded, my voice hushed. “It’s too big of a risk.”

He looked enormously relieved. “So you’ll try to get over it?”

I nodded glumly.

“And you haven’t said anything to him, or dropped any hints?” he pressed.

“No, nothing. In any case, I suspect he only thinks of me as his bratty little cousin, so you have nothing to worry about.”

“Thanks, Téa,” he breathed sincerely. “And hey, cheer up. If you want, I’ll set you up with some of my buddies. And don’t forget Kabir’s standing offer of matrimony.”

He put his arm around me, and I gave him a small smile in response. I figured I’d better get used to acting.

Julia and Teri were brimming with enthusiasm the next day. We climbed up to the hayloft, one of our favorite hangouts — it was a secluded, fragrant place to sit and talk. They both curled up on haybales, but I was too wired to sit; I paced back and forth in front of them.

“Okay, here’s the thing,” I began, looking only at Teri. “Remember what I told you yesterday? Well, it can’t happen. Just forget I ever said anything.”

“Why?” Teri asked with a frown, just as Julia piped up, “Come on, that’s not fair, at least tell me what it is that’s not happening anymore.”

I sighed and went to sit between them.

“Jules, I’m going to tell you something in confidence, and you’re going to do your best to forget it as soon as you hear it, okay?”

She nodded, obviously curious.

“Like I told you, I was crushing on somebody. But after thinking it through, and talking to Seth, I’ve decided it would be insane to act on it. So I won’t be needing a makeover anymore, I guess.”

“Oh no you don’t — you’re not getting out of your makeover that easy.” Julia laughed. “But come on, spill. What’s the big deal with the crush?”

“It’s a big deal because the object is Jaden,” I admitted.

Julia’s perfect mouth formed a round ‘O’ of surprise. “Ouch, that is a dilemma,” she finally said.

We rehashed my decision to ignore my feelings. They understood, though neither of them seemed to think my crush was as calamitous as Seth had. Maybe, in similar circumstances, their families would have been more accepting. It was hard to tell since they weren’t faced with my situation.

“You know, this is actually the perfect time for you to have a makeover,” Julia told me thoughtfully. “It will be a distraction, plus, looking good will make you feel better. And you’ll attract so many boys that before you know it you’ll be saying, ‘Jaden who?’” I had to smile at her enthusiasm, though somehow I doubted I’d ever be saying that.

We made plans to go shopping so that I could update my wardrobe. And accessories, since apparently, those were important.

“I don’t want to see you wearing any more of Seth’s T-shirts,” Julia told me severely. “And work on evening out your tan, will you? That farmer tan will not work with the outfits you’ll be wearing.”

“How am I supposed to do that? I don’t exactly have a ton of free time, Jules.”

She rolled her eyes at me. “You work outside, T. Just teach some lessons in a bikini top.”

“I can try,” I said skeptically. I didn’t think it would go over too well with Dec, though. Teri was excited about the makeover too, and I started to get interested despite myself. It was a good distraction — and if I was being honest, I did want Jaden to find me attractive, even if I could never, ever admit my feelings to him.