Thirteen

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Everything changed on Wednesday.

The day started normally enough; I worked throughout the morning and went into the house for a drink before my afternoon lesson. Blue was standing outside the office, staring at the door and whining.

“D’you want to go in?” I asked her. I strolled over to open the door, and that’s when I heard it. The unmistakable ‘thwack’ of leather meeting flesh. For the barest instant I stood frozen in shock, and then I hurled myself through the door, my heart hammering. I didn’t pause when I got inside, so I only half-registered the scene: my brother, standing with his shirt off, his back crisscrossed by red lines. Dec with his arm upraised, about to create another one. The blow never landed; I catapulted myself at him, hitting him blindly over and over.

“Téa! Stop it!” he yelled, trying to fend off my flailing arms.

“You fucking bastard!” I screamed. “How could you! How can you call yourself our father? A real father would never do this — mom would hate you if she saw you now!” I could barely see through my tears, so the stinging slap caught me by surprise. I staggered sideways; when I recovered and turned back toward him I found Seth blocking my way. His back was to me, and his fists were up. My breath jammed in my throat — I felt as though my very heart had stopped. Seth had filled out over the past year, and he was taller than Dec, but there was no question that Dec was much, much stronger. He could crush Seth if it came to that.

“Seth, no.” I couldn’t seem to get my voice over a whisper; it was like one of those nightmares when you want to scream but all that comes out is a frightened squeak. I clutched his arm before noticing Dec’s posture. He wasn’t defensive or aggressive. His arms were hanging by his sides, and though he was breathing hard he was looking back and forth between Seth and me with an expression bordering on panic.

“Get out. Both of you,” he snarled at us.

We fled. Seth followed me up the stairs, and I led him straight to the bathroom and found the can of topical anesthetic spray we kept there. He turned around and braced his hands on the counter. My own hands were shaking as I started to carefully spray the emerging welts. It wouldn’t numb the pain completely, but it took the edge off. I surveyed the damage as I worked — the skin was broken in a couple of places, but overall, it could have been worse. I was still in shock. This was beyond what we were used to. Dec had never made Seth take his shirt off, or lashed his back before.

“Dammit, Téa, why did you come in?” Seth growled at me as I sprayed.

My eyes flew upward, startled, and met his in the mirror. “What do you mean, why? He was hurting you!”

“He caught me smoking.”

Understanding dawned, and I hesitated for a second. “Well, that doesn’t matter. It’s still not justified, Seth... he shouldn’t be doing that.” I heard the echo of Jaden’s voice in my head as I said it. I finished spraying the anesthetic.

When Seth turned around I was shocked to see anger on his face.

“He was almost done, now he’ll only be madder. And what if he’d really hurt you?”

Seth’s uncharacteristic anger threw me off; my voice was uncertain as I answered. “He wouldn’t. And, well, I don’t think we should stand for him hitting us anymore.”

“What’s our alternative, Sis? Move out? In case you’ve forgotten, we’re still in high school. We’ve got no money and nowhere to go. And you wouldn’t want to leave anyway, you’d miss the horses too much. So why are you pissing him off?” He stalked out.

I was crying in earnest now and wanted to go sob in my room, but suddenly remembered I had a lesson to teach. I was afraid to run into Dec downstairs — not afraid in the physical sense, I just didn’t want to face him. But I had to go. I pulled myself together as best I could, washed my face, and crept carefully down the stairs. The office door was closed and I slunk quickly outside.

Seth didn’t come out at feeding time, which almost made me start crying again. He’d never stayed mad this long before. When I was done feeding I trailed slowly back to the house, my heart beating with trepidation. I wasn’t interested in dinner, but I couldn’t hide in the barn forever. I didn’t see anyone when I came in and headed straight to my room. No one came looking for me. When it got late I wondered if I should go do the bedtime check of the barn, but decided to skip it. If Dec saw lights on he’d surely go and do it.

I slept fitfully, which wasn’t a surprise. By six-thirty I was wide awake. As I headed to the bathroom I realized I hadn’t sprayed Seth’s back again last night. I kicked myself; he’d probably had a rough night. I grabbed the can of anesthetic and went and tapped quietly on his door.

“It’s me.”

“Yeah, come in,” he said tiredly.

He sat up in bed as I walked in.

“How’s your back?” I asked tentatively.

“It’s been better. How’s your face?”

In truth, I had completely forgotten that Dec had slapped me the day before. I felt my left cheek; there was nothing there to remind me. The right side, of course, was still patterned in fading bruises from the mallet.

“Completely fine.”

I held up the spray bottle, and he turned sideways on the bed.

“Sorry I forgot last night,” I said as I began spraying.

“’sokay. Sorry I was such a jerk yesterday. Did you eat last night?”

“No. You?” It was rare for Seth to miss a meal.

“I snuck downstairs and had a midnight snack.” He turned around and gazed at me somberly. “Have you seen Dec?”

I shook my head.

Seth stayed in his room, and I went out to feed the horses. As I was hurrying through the living room Dec’s voice rang out from the kitchen.

“Téa.”

I stopped reluctantly and turned toward him, but I didn’t look him in the face.

“Eat something first.” He walked past me and headed upstairs.

I moped into the kitchen and found a granola bar and some coffee. I felt awful. I wanted to go after Dec and say... well, I didn’t know what I would say. But he sounded sad.

After feeding and teaching a lesson I went back to the house for another coffee; I was tired. There was no sign of either Seth or Dec. They must have been avoiding me, as well as each other.

I had a huge pile of laundry to do, but I didn’t want to be in the house, so I decided to clean out the horses’ automatic waterbowls. It was a tedious job and should take a couple of hours. Unfortunately, it wouldn’t keep my mind very busy, but I doubted if anything would provide enough distraction for me at this point. I gathered my supplies and started in Zac’s stall. I turned the knob on the pipe that supplied his waterbowl. Then, with the water shut off, I scrubbed out the metal bowl with a sponge and dish soap before rinsing and refilling it. Zac was good company, nudging me with his nose and occasionally resting his chin on my shoulder the way he loved to do. I still missed him.

I had only done four stalls when I heard a familiar voice down the aisle and sighed. Ever since I’d been hurt during the match, something had changed between Jaden and me. I couldn’t seem to maintain the same distance that I had before the accident, with the result that his presence now caused me actual pain — a dull ache in my chest that occasionally spiked into a jab when he looked at me or talked to me a certain way. All in all, something I could do without today.

“Good morning.” He spoke through the bars of Gracie’s stall. His smile was almost normal, but his eyes were cautious. I wasn’t the only one who had noticed the change in the tenor of our relationship.

“Hey,” I said listlessly. I met his eyes for the barest second before dropping them back to the waterbowl.

“What’s wrong?” he asked immediately.

“I don’t really want to talk about it,” I replied in a low voice, but even as I was uttering the words I knew they weren’t true. What I desperately wanted was to talk to the old Jaden, the one who was both family and good friend, the one that existed for me before the curse of physical attraction ruined everything.

Jaden stepped into the stall. Thud, thud, thud went the ache in my chest. I exhaled sharply. Honestly, I didn’t need this today.

“Can I help?” he asked quietly. Yes, I thought savagely, you can help by staying away from me. But I knew I didn’t really mean it.

“No,” I said, paying careful attention to my scrubbing.

“Téa.” He was standing right next to me now. He’d been careful not to touch me since the day of the accident, but I was afraid he would surrender to his habit of making me face him when I didn’t want to. So when he moved again, I cringed away from him. I glanced at his face just long enough to register his hurt expression. I felt the first jab in my chest.

“Téa, what’s going on? Is this about...” he hesitated, and I looked at him, curious. He didn’t finish, but I had made the mistake of locking eyes with him. I don’t know what he saw in mine, but it was enough to make him half-reach for me. He caught himself; there was an edge to his voice when he spoke again.

“Up to the hayloft. Let’s go.”

I didn’t resist. I knew that tone well enough by now to know that I’d be carried if I didn’t walk. I led the way into the feedroom, drying my hands on my jeans, and slowly climbed the ladder to the loft. I didn’t sit down but turned to face him with my arms hugging my chest.

“Out with it,” he ordered.

I took a deep breath. I didn’t know how to explain why everything was in such chaos; it wasn’t as though Seth and I had never dealt with a beating before. It wasn’t such a big deal, usually, but this time was different.

“Dec caught Seth smoking,” I began in a low voice. He winced; he understood immediately.

“Damn.”

I nodded mutely.

“Is Seth okay?”

“He’s-” I hesitated. Jaden didn’t need to know the gory details. Sadly, he probably knew all too well how Seth was. “Yeah, he’s all right.”

I saw anger flash in Jaden’s eyes, but he controlled it quickly.

“What else?” he pressed.

“That’s not enough?” I asked impatiently.

“I want to know what’s made you this upset,” he insisted. “Tell me the whole story.”

I swallowed. I didn’t even know where to start.

I heard him sigh. He came and guided me over to some haybales, his hand on my back. I expected the jab in my chest, but it still hurt. We sat down and he took my hand, moving deliberately to give me the chance to pull away. I didn’t. Jab, jab.

“Now please tell me,” he said quietly.

I studied the wooden boards under our feet as I spoke.

“I interrupted him. You know what a foul mood Dec’s been in lately. He was — well, it was bad. I couldn’t believe it, and... I don’t know how he can even blame Seth for smoking, we’ve all gone through a rough time this year... anyway, I just lost it. I basically attacked him.”

I heard Jaden catch his breath as his hand tightened around mine. My voice was as soft as breathing when I went on.

“Then Seth turned on him, and it almost came to a fight.”

There was a pause.

“Did he-” His voice shook, whether with anger or some other emotion, I couldn’t tell. I knew what he was asking, and I shook my head quickly, not looking at him. His grip was almost painfully tight now, and when I glanced at him his eyes were closed.

“No,” I lied. “But now... now none of us are talking to each other. I said some really mean things to Dec, and Seth’s mad at me, and... it’s my fault.”

Tears were burning my eyes, and I fought to hold them back. Jaden’s arms went around me; he rested his cheek on my hair. One hand rubbed my arm.

“Nothing’s your fault, Téa. Not one bit of blame for this whole sorry mess is attributable to you. You have to believe that.”

I didn’t say anything. I was too busy fighting to breathe, a task made challenging by the constant jabbing in my chest.

He coaxed my face up gently with his warm fingers. As I met his beautiful brown-gold eyes my heart gave one hard punch against my ribs. And the truth exploded inside me — I loved him. Not as my cousin. Not as the close friend he’d certainly become. I loved him as a man. I’d been fooling myself by thinking this was an attraction I could ignore.

“Why didn’t you call me?” His face was tight with distress.

“I guess... I didn’t think we had that kind of relationship anymore,” I answered carefully. I was stunned by my new awareness; I felt like I couldn’t think.

“We always have that kind of relationship, Téa. No matter what,” he said vehemently.

I sensed an opening, but hesitated. What if he didn’t feel the same way? That seemed more than likely, and I’d suffered enough pain for a while. The knowledge of my true feelings had come to me at the worst possible time. Or maybe it was a good time — I had nothing to lose, at this point. I steeled myself and looked him in the eye.

“Jaden, do you ever think that we’re, um, very... close, for cousins?”

His expression tensed. Oh no, he doesn’t feel that way, I thought wildly. Of course he doesn’t, he’s incredible — brilliant, talented, kind, generous, not to mention gorgeous... what would he want with me, an average girl with a minor talent for riding? My eyes returned to the floorboards.

“What are you asking me, Téa?” His voice was soft.

“Nothing.” I wanted to laugh at myself; what had I been thinking?

“Do we have to go through this again? Tell me.”

I gulped. “Do you remember when I got hurt?”

“Only too well.”

“When you were wiping my face... well, for a second there, I thought... I thought you were going to kiss me.”

I wasn’t sure whether he could hear my barely whispered words over the sound of my heart battering itself against my ribs. There was a long pause, but I was too afraid to look at him. I might be too mortified to ever look at him again. Then he whispered back.

“For a second there, so did I.”

Shock swept through me. The battering in my chest didn’t abate. I realized I’d been holding my breath and drew in a faltering lungful of air. Then another.

I raised my eyes to his slowly; the incredulity must have been plain on my face.

“So you... I mean, you’re...” I couldn’t form a coherent thought, let alone a sentence.

He understood, though. “Of course I’m attracted to you. How could I not be?”

I bit my lip. I could think of lots of reasons why he wouldn’t be, personally. He leaned toward me, and I could read regret in his eyes.

“But I will never act on that attraction,” he said gently.

A dozen questions and arguments elbowed each other in the race to my mouth, but the only one that slipped out was a whispered, “Why?”

Jaden squeezed my hand between both of his. My pulse bounded in my veins, and my hand tingled; I tried to ignore them so my face wouldn’t betray how hopeless my obsession was. He watched me steadily with those unbelievable eyes, which did nothing to help me stay calm.

“Because it would be wrong,” he said firmly.

I looked away.

“It’s not only that it would create scandal,” he said, “though trust me, in our family, this would be a scandal. We could seriously jeopardize family ties if we tried to have a relationship.”

My stomach reacted to the very words, but I nodded. Seth and I had reached the same conclusion, after all. Jaden was still holding my hand; I squeezed his tighter, part of me already grieving at the prospect of letting it go.

“But it’s not all about our family. It’s also for your sake... you’ve been through a lot this year. A sordid relationship with an older relative is the last thing you need to deal with right now.”

I had to smile a bit at his choice of words. “You make it sound like you’re a doddering old uncle. There’s less than six years’ difference between our ages, Jaden.”

He smiled a bit too, but his smile was sad. “And in ten years’ time, that difference won’t matter in the slightest. But right now, it does.”

I started to argue, but he put his hand on the side of my face. I was stunned into silence, my face now tingling to match my hand. He looked into my eyes.

“Forget about me, Téa. Find a boy your own age to date — since I’m your only male cousin, you should be pretty safe on that front.”

“You’re not ruling out Ethan, then?” I couldn’t help joking feebly.

His face tightened, and I felt immediately sorry for bringing it up.

“It’s your choice, naturally... but if you would do me a favor, please don’t date Ethan. I’m not sure I could handle having to see that.”

I nodded, wide-eyed.

He let go of me; I felt a tangible sense of loss already. We sat in silence for a few minutes, gathering our thoughts, but the day’s upheavals were far from over.

“Where’s Dec?” he finally asked quietly.

“In the house, I guess. Why?” My heart rate shot up in anticipation of his answer.

“Because I’m going to talk to him.” He stood up; I jumped to my feet in front of him.

“No! Jaden, you can’t-”

He misunderstood.

“He won’t hurt you, Téa.” The words were almost a sob. He held my shoulders tightly, and I shook my head quickly, wanting to explain.

“No, that’s not why... I’m not worried about him hurting me.”

Jaden let go of me; that did hurt.

“What is it, then?” He still looked upset.

I sighed. “I think he already feels bad,” I admitted, my head hanging. “And he’s been working so hard in therapy... if he knew that I told you, I think he’d be embarrassed. Ashamed, even.”

“He should be,” Jaden said harshly. “Let me get this straight — you don’t want me talking to him because you’re trying to protect his feelings?” I could hear the suppressed anger in his voice.

“Yes.” I looked up. Knowing my feelings were reciprocated changed everything; when I saw his face soften, it was twice as difficult as before not to reach for him. I clenched my hands into fists.

“Well, nothing’s going to get resolved by silence. Everyone’s going to have to come out of hiding sometime and discuss this, and I’ll be staying here until that happens.”

* * *

I couldn’t shake his resolve, but when we went to the house Dec wasn’t there, and his truck was gone. Jaden went to Seth’s room while I went into mine for a change of clothes; the weather was hot now. Within minutes I could hear them laughing, and I had to grin. Those two could joke about anything. They came in a minute later, Seth plopping onto the bed while Jaden took the chair.

“So, T, have you heard that Jaden’s volunteered to be our bomb defuser?”

“Yup. Told you he was unbalanced,” I kidded. I had changed into a light pink tank top and grey shorts; Jaden’s eyes seemed to linger on my body for a minute before he determinedly looked away. I felt a flutter in my stomach.

“How do you feel, Seth? Are you going to do any work today, or what?” I asked to distract myself.

“I feel hungry,” he complained.

I gave him a shove, we grinned at each other and went to make lunch. Seth and I were good again — that part was easy.

We were in the barn when Dec came home, and Seth and I stayed there while Jaden headed for the house. Since school had ended, Seth and I did the morning and evening feeds on weekdays. We had time to finish feeding all thirty-eight horses before Jaden came to get us. We walked back to the house together; I didn’t even realize that I was shaking until Seth put his arm around me and I felt the tremors. Unless they were his.

Dec was in the living room. At our entrance he walked slowly up to Seth and gripped his shoulders.

“I’m sorry, son.” He looked him in the eye. I wondered if my expression was even half as shocked as Seth’s was. Being Seth, of course, he recovered quickly.

“Okay. But this is the last time,” he joked, quoting what Dec always said when we apologized to him.

We all chuckled; now that the tension was broken we found seats. I made sure I wasn’t next to Jaden.

“I have something to tell you,” Dec began. “I’ve been keeping certain things to myself in an effort to protect you, but Jaden seems to think we’d benefit from being a little more open with each other, and I’m willing to give it a try if you are.”

Seth and I nodded.

Dec took a deep breath. “Please realize that I’m not offering this as an excuse. It’s just an explanation for why I’ve been... a bit tense, lately.” He paused, looking at our faces. “I promised your mother I’d take care of you. That I’d provide for you and do my best to keep you safe, even though lately I feel as though you both do whatever the heck you want. But now... well, I’m being sued, kids. Remember that project I worked on last year, the one so big I had to get a partner? Well, he falsified some of the data we used without my knowledge. The trouble is, if I lose this lawsuit all my assets could be seized to pay the debt. Including this property — the house and barn.”

Seth and I stared at each other in astonishment for a minute before I leaned against him. I hadn’t expected anything like this. No wonder Dec had been so cantankerous lately.

“Like I said,” Dec went on, “it’s not an excuse. And I’ll keep you posted on what’s happening.”

Dec was sitting on the loveseat by himself. He had a dejected air, and I felt bad for him suddenly, as though we were a sentencing jury. I went and sat next to him. He put his arm around me and pulled me closer.

“I’m sorry about what I said,” I murmured.

“Don’t be, honey. You were right,” he replied. He brushed my cheek briefly. “I’m sorry, too,” he added in a mutter.

I looked down, but not before catching sight of Jaden’s eyes-narrowed expression. We went to make dinner, and it wasn’t as awkward as I would have thought.

When I went to do the bedtime check of the barn Jaden followed me out.

“Why didn’t you tell me the truth?” he asked quietly. He was standing close but was careful not to touch me now. I felt a jab in my chest anyway.

I shrugged. “I knew it would upset you. And I didn’t want to add fuel to the fire.”

“Protecting everyone else, as usual,” he said softly. “But who’s protecting you?”

“You are,” I reminded him. “As usual.”

He nodded slowly. “I haven’t been doing a very good job, though.”

“Are you kidding me? No one’s ever taken care of me the way you do, Jaden,” I told him with feeling. It was the truth.

His eyes tightened in pain. I reached for his face — I couldn’t help myself — but before I made contact he caught my hand.

“I meant what I said, Téa. We can’t be anything more than family.” He said it gently enough, but I could already see the colder, harder persona of the last month re-emerging. My chest constricted, and I pulled my hand out of his grip.

“No problem,” I said matter-of-factly. I walked away before my face could betray my anguish.

* * *

It was a problem, though. Jaden stayed for a couple of days. Aunt Paloma came over the following day, and she and Dec spent a lot of time closeted together. Dec was being unusually affectionate with Seth and me; I could tell he sincerely regretted falling off the wagon, and a tenuous new closeness was emerging between us. Between Jaden and I, on the other hand, things were even more strained than before, which was saying something.

We went back to our standard of careful non-contact, and we spoke to each other politely when necessary. Only now that I knew the truth, it was even more difficult to be near him. Thankfully he had a polo tournament that weekend, so I got some respite from the tension.

On Tuesday Jaden was back. Everyone else showed up that day too, even Teri. It had been a sweltering, muggy morning, the sky almost white with heat. No one was very inclined to ride or work, so we spent most of our time in the relatively cool tackroom. Jaden was working on the fencing, but he came in occasionally, and whenever he made an appearance my entire body seized up and I could barely speak. This was going to get old pretty fast.

I was lounging against the wall when a deafening bang made us all jump. I exchanged a frightened look with Seth, and we ran outside, followed by Kabir, Julia and Teri. We ran back in just as quickly; raindrops the size of golf balls were dive-bombing us. The bang we had heard must have been thunder. As I watched through the open doorway an enormous fork of lightning speared the sky.

“Quick, we’ve got to bring in the horses,” I yelled. I ran and grabbed a handful of lead ropes. As I was tossing one to each person Jaden appeared and took one. We set off running through the rain. Luckily, with six people helping it only took minutes to get the horses safely inside. By the time we were done the storm was already abating, and we were all laughing as we tried to shake the water off.

I almost ran headlong into Jaden as I was going into the tackroom. I stumbled back, carefully avoiding his outstretched hand. Pain flashed across his eyes.

“I’m going to check on the horses in the pasture,” I mumbled.

Jaden had completed enough pasture fencing so we could turn horses out there. It was a bit far from the barn, but that suited me perfectly.

I squished my way through the water-soaked grass to the pasture. The sudden downpour had already cooled the air, and I shivered slightly in my wet clothes. The worst of the storm seemed to be over, and when I reached the pasture fence I paused, debating whether I really needed to bring the horses in. The rain had dwindled to a fine mist, and there hadn’t been any lightning or thunder since I’d left the barn. It was so nice to be away from the tense atmosphere there that I lingered, leaning on the fence and watching the dark wet patches creeping down the horses’ coats.

I didn’t hear the footsteps until they were directly behind me. I knew whose they were without turning; only Jaden’s presence would raise the hairs on my body like that.

“Téa,” he said my name like a caress.

I was about to duck away, but he knew me too well — his hands shot out and gripped the fence board on either side of me. He was so close now that I could feel the heat from his body searing the back of mine, but this heat made me shiver all the more.

“How long are you planning on not talking to me?” His voice was subdued.

I shrugged. I felt, rather than heard, his sigh.

“You’re angry with me.”

He was wrong about that. It wasn’t anger that was making me avoid him, it was self-preservation.

“I don’t blame you. I know I’ve made a mess of things. I came to give you a choice... I was planning to leave at the end of the season.” He paused, but my brain was already frozen. He was planning to leave? “But if you’d rather I left now, I’ll understand. I’ll find a spot for my horses closer to Toronto.”

Like at Summer’s father’s barn, I thought, anguished. My chest constricted painfully, and my breath started coming in sharp, raw gasps. Either way, he would be gone. My only option was whether to prolong my suffering. It was the same impossible choice: the pain of his presence versus the torture of his absence. I didn’t say anything; I don’t think I could have spoken even if I’d wanted to.

“Let me know what you decide,” he continued quietly. He hesitated, then dropped his head close to mine. I felt the zing of current from my face down to my shoulder, though he didn’t touch me. He whispered his parting line in my ear.

“I miss you.”

I waited until his footsteps faded to surrender to the wracking sobs, and they shook me for a long time before I pulled myself together and went back to work.

* * *

Jaden didn’t come back for three days. My friends couldn’t help but notice my despair as I trudged miserably around the barn, and I told them it was my unrequited crush that was bringing me down. Teri and Julia agreed with Seth — they thought that at this point, Jaden and I being together couldn’t be much worse than our being apart, but I couldn’t agree. I spent the time trying desperately to convince myself that I would be fine once he was gone.

He reappeared on Friday; I pounded down my joy and relief at seeing him as best I could. We exchanged a few polite words, then went back to ignoring each other. Julia, Teri and I were in the main aisle grooming that afternoon, after going for a long trail ride.

“Have you ever thought about getting a tattoo?” Julia asked as she picked out Jasmine’s forehoof.

“Uh-uh,” Teri shook her head emphatically. “That’s not for me.”

They looked at me.

“Well, I’ve thought about it, but it would be such a waste of money.” They waited expectantly. “Because I would spend so much to get it done, and when I came home Dec would skin me alive, and I’d lose the tattoo along with the cash,” I explained, laughing at their grins of sudden understanding.

I saw Jaden out of the corner of my eye, in the adjoining aisle with Kermit. Our conversation had captured his interest, though he tried not to show it. I ignored the now-routine jabbing in my chest. What I do from now on is none of Jaden’s business, I reminded myself fiercely.

“What about piercings?” I asked, and saw Jaden’s back stiffen. I knew I was goading him, just a little.

“Oh yeah, I definitely want to get my bellybutton done,” Julia said enthusiastically.

“I’d rather get my upper ear done, I think,” Teri said.

I thought of how I had admired Caley’s look. “I think I might get my eyebrow pierced,” I said.

“You don’t think Dec would mind?” Julia asked doubtfully.

“Oh yes, I’ll be just as dead,” I admitted cheerfully. “You should have seen him when I got my ears pierced, he was apoplectic. I had to hide out for a while, even with the unassailably logical argument I had.”

Teri was chortling; she remembered this story.

“Téa wanted to get her ears pierced,” she explained to Julia, “and Dec said yes. So she came home with a nice earring in her right earlobe — and three in her left.”

“You’re awful,” Julia giggled.

I caught a glimpse of Jaden; his expression was enigmatic. I turned away quickly, breathing slowly to control the jabs.

I was in the feedroom that evening when I heard him behind me. His quiet tread brought him close — too close, when I turned I felt the wall against my back. My heart flailed in protest at his nearness. Jaden’s expression was carefully controlled as he trapped me with his gaze.

“Tell me you’re not putting a needle through that face,” he exhorted.

I was struggling to keep my face smooth, not to betray the pain in my chest. It made me defensive.

“Why do you care? You won’t be seeing it,” I muttered callously.

The hurt in his eyes made me regret my words instantly, but before I could open my mouth to make amends, his expression hardened.

“Have you thought about what I asked you?”

I swallowed. I didn’t know what to tell him; it seemed like either choice would leave my heart in tatters.

“I — I think you should do whatever’s easiest for you.” My voice was thick with suppressed emotion.

He grimaced. “I want to know what you want,” he insisted. He leaned forward in his intensity, planting one hand on the wall by my head. His nearness was overwhelming; his scent and the heat from his body were too much for me. I began to tremble. I wanted to fling my arms around him and beg him not to leave... but instead, I just told him the truth. I selfishly forgot about my obligations to my family, about the risks we would take. My heart was hurting me so much that, finally, its call was the only one I heeded.

“You know what I want.” My voice was raw with pain.

“Téa... we can’t. You know we can’t,” he groaned. His face twisted with grief, his eyes pleading for understanding. I felt my own overflow with silent tears.

“Don’t cry, sweetheart, please...”

My eyes were locked on his face; I read his intention even before he began to close the distance between us. My stomach flipped right over.

“Don’t,” I choked. If he kissed me now my fragile heart would splinter into a thousand piercing shards. Of that I was sure. He stopped, his lips an inch away from mine, and questioned my certainty with his eyes.

“Please don’t,” I breathed.

His face closed off, and he withdrew suddenly and loped away, fists clenched at his sides. I sagged against the wall and slid down to the ground, my tears accompanied by sobs now. How had things grown into such an impossible mess? I’d managed to hurt him again, despite my best intentions.

Half an hour later I shuffled into the tackroom, where Julia, Teri, and Kabir were hanging out with Seth. I had tried to pull myself together but apparently, I hadn’t done a very convincing job because I drew looks of concern as I slumped down on a bench.

“What’s wrong, hon?” Teri came and sat by me.

I shrugged one shoulder. “Nothing.” Nothing new, at any rate.

“Jaden again?” Julia guessed sympathetically.

I nodded listlessly. “We had a... a talk.”

Kabir frowned. “Is he being a jerk to you, T?”

I looked at him in surprise. “No, not at all.”

“Then why does he keep making you cry?” he insisted. “Is it just that he’s saying no to you? Because he doesn’t feel the way you do?”

“It’s not that,” I shook my head. “He... he does feel the same way.” My voice was hushed, my eyes on the floor. I heard several gasps, so I assumed my friends had heard.

“He what? Why didn’t you tell us? What are you going to do?” Their startled questions bounced around the tackroom.

“He’s... attracted, but he feels the way we did at first, Seth.” I looked at my brother as I spoke. “That it would be weird. And wrong. And upset the family. And he’s probably right, and I’m an awful person for not even caring.” I dropped my face into my hands, and Teri patted my back comfortingly.

Julia came and sat by my other side.

“You don’t think he’ll reconsider?” she asked gently.

I shook my head. “He told me to go date a boy my own age. And he’s going to move his horses out soon; I’ve literally driven him away. Dec’s going to flip, he was thrilled to have Jaden here.”

“That doesn’t sound like a very bright move.” Seth frowned. “He’s still working at the polo club, right? And he’s building the fencing, he wouldn’t bail on Dec in the middle of that.”

“I guess he wants to minimize his time here,” I mumbled. I felt another spasm in my chest.

“Of course he does,” Julia said thoughtfully, “because it’s difficult for him to be around you now. Just like it’s hard for you to be around him... he really does have feelings for you.”

I recognized the scheming look on her face; it had gotten us into trouble more than once.

“No, Julia. Whatever you’re planning, I’m not doing it.”

“Why? Don’t you even want to try to change his mind?” she asked innocently.

“No, I don’t. He doesn’t want me, and I’m going to respect his wishes. I don’t want to play any games,” I told her impatiently.

“But that’s not exactly right, is it?” Teri said. “He does want you, he’s just scared. Same as you were. But you came around, and so did Seth. Maybe with time, he’ll come around too.”

“Time, or the right incentive.” Julia grinned. “Which brings us back to my proposal.” Everyone looked at her, waiting. I groaned and dropped my head into my hands again.

“If he wants you to date a boy your own age, then I think you should do just that,” Julia began.

I looked up in confusion. “Jules, I have zero interest in dating right now. Less than zero.”

“Well, you don’t actually have to date anyone. Just make it seem like you are. Once Jaden sees you with someone else, maybe he’ll realize it’s not what he really wants.”

“So, in a nutshell, try to make him jealous,” I said in a flat voice.

Julia nodded.

“No way,” I said emphatically. “I’m not doing that, it would be... mean.”

“Why, hasn’t he been dating all this time?” Kabir demanded.

I flinched as I thought about the night of Piba’s colic. “Maybe,” I conceded.

“And do you remember how you felt when he was making out with his ex right in front of you?” Teri added.

“Yes, I do. And I don’t want to hurt him like that,” I said miserably.

Seth snorted. “He’s hurting himself; he’s being an idiot. I mean, look at the two of you — you’re both miserable. Dec knows something’s going on, which makes him suspicious, which makes it a lot harder for me to get away with anything. Does Jaden not care what this is doing to me? That’s just plain selfish.”

I smiled a little in spite of myself. “Look, guys, I really appreciate what you’re trying to do... but the only thing I’m going to do now is try to get over him.”

Kabir got up and stretched. “Well, if you change your mind, you know who to call if you need a volunteer.” He winked at me. He went home, and Julia and Teri left soon after.

Seth slung his arm around my shoulders as we walked to the house. “You’re being very mature about all this, T. Way more mature than I would be.” He laughed.

I didn’t answer, but I didn’t think my behavior was the result of maturity. It was the result of love.