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We played club chukkers the next day. Jaden and I had an awkward, quiet ride to the club, but practice went well. It was another hot day, so when the game was over I decided to give Schweppes a quick shower.
A girl I didn’t recognize wandered past as I was scraping the excess water off Schweppes. A groupie, by the looks of her — too manicured for a player or groom. I glimpsed long, light brown hair and pretty blue eyes as she scanned the stable area.
“Hey, isn’t that the girl Jaden hooked up with at the party?” Sharleen’s voice floated out of the barn.
“Yeah, looks like,” Jennalyn’s voice answered cheerfully.
“What I wouldn’t give to be in her shoes,” Sharleen sighed wistfully.
My stomach plunged past my knees. My heart started pounding painfully, but I couldn’t hear it over the roaring in my ears. I bent forward, trying to get the blood back to my head, and leaned against Schweppes for support. I tried to take deep breaths but I couldn’t seem to control my panting.
After a few minutes I was able to straighten up, though I was still shaky. Schweppes turned his head to look at me inquiringly.
“I’m okay,” I whispered to him. It was a lie, though. I looked around, but I didn’t see the girl. I set off with Schweppes to find her, although I was far from sure that I wanted to. I didn’t have to go far; as I came around the corner of the barn I saw her standing with a group of people. She was next to Jaden. I walked forward woodenly until I was right behind them. Mateo spotted me.
“Hola, chiquita,” he said. “Are you ready for the barbecue?”
I carefully kept my eyes on Mateo’s face.
“Actually, I’m going to head home. I, um, have a headache,” I told him haltingly.
“Are you okay?” Jaden sounded concerned, and I allowed myself to look at him, finally. The stab of pain that went through me almost made me gasp aloud.
“Yes, fine,” I said faintly. “Nothing an aspirin won’t cure.” My eyes flickered over to the girl, who was smiling. She was beautiful, of course, but she didn’t look at me. Her eyes were on Jaden.
“I’ll come with you,” Jaden was saying. “You shouldn’t-”
“No!” It came out sharper than I’d intended; surprise crossed his face. “I’m okay, really. I’m just going to ride home slowly and lie down. You stay. Have... have fun.” My sentence ended almost in a whisper, and I stumbled away, my arm around Schweppes’ neck for comfort.
I did ride slowly, but I couldn’t keep my mind from racing. It seemed that Kabir was right. Jaden had been dating, after all. Apparently, just because he was — or claimed to be — attracted to me, didn’t mean he wasn’t still interested in others. Every thought lanced through me, sharp and white-hot. Sharleen had said they’d hooked up at the party. She had to mean the party after the last big match. Was that why he hadn’t wanted me there? Maybe he’d had plans to see the girl all along. That thought brought the first embers of anger glowing to life within me; I encouraged them, fanning them with more thoughts of Jaden’s possible duplicity. It felt better to be mad than so utterly, horribly empty.
The evening was awful. I used my headache excuse to get out of eating dinner, but then I had to stay in my room, and I was too wound up for such a small space. I paced the three strides back and forth along its length over and over. I reminded myself several times that I had absolutely no right to feel angry or jealous, but, though my brain believed me, my heart wasn’t buying it. I was inordinately relieved to hear Jaden come home at our usual time — he hadn’t gone anywhere with her, then. But when I heard his footsteps on the stairs, I panicked; what if he came to check on me? I slapped the light switch off and dove into bed fully dressed, pulling the covers up over my head. Sure enough, a quiet knock sounded on my door a moment later. I ignored it and heard Jaden’s footsteps recede down the hall to the guestroom. I flung the covers off angrily; it felt childish and pathetic to be hiding like this.
The next morning I didn’t go outside until the last minute, knowing that Jaden would have to be at the club. I had barely slept, so I had a rough morning, but I made a decision — I wasn’t going to play in the club chukkers that afternoon. I felt slightly less pathetic after I’d called the club and told them I wouldn’t be there. It seemed I’d finally gotten the incentive I needed to distance myself from Jaden.
He showed up for lunch, and other than asking me how I was feeling, we didn’t exchange a word, though I could feel him shooting glances my way. I volunteered to do the dishes; Dec and Seth headed out.
“I’ll help you,” Jaden sighed, “otherwise we’ll be late.”
I turned to face him.
“Actually, I’m not going today.” I was impressed with how steady my voice was.
His eyebrows rose in surprise. “Why? Are you still not feeling well?”
“I feel fine,” I said coldly. “I just have other plans. There’s more to my life than you and polo, you know.”
A shadow of pain crossed his face, and I felt an answering ache deep within me. Then he nodded slowly.
“Good,” he said quietly. He turned and left before my tears spilled.
* * *
Jaden didn’t come home that night.
I tried not to jump to the conclusion that he’d gone out with the blue-eyed girl, but it was hard. I felt absolutely wretched, I couldn’t even put a name to the bitter emotions that washed over me. Every second seemed to last an hour as I tried frantically not to think of him. Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore and called Teri.
“Hey. Were you sleeping?” I belatedly realized that I’d forgotten to check the time. It was almost midnight and Teri was usually up at four-thirty to go work at the track.
“Kind of,” she yawned, “but it’s okay, I’ve got tomorrow off. What’s up?”
My pain poured out in a torrent. Teri listened quietly, offering the occasional murmured word of sympathy.
“Why don’t we go out for breakfast tomorrow?” she suggested. “That way we can talk without worrying about being overheard. I’ll send Julia a text, too.”
“I’ll do it, Ter, you go back to bed. And thanks for not telling me to shut up and let you sleep.”
After I texted Julia I went to bed and lay awake for another hour before falling into an uneasy sleep. I dreamt of Jaden, and woke up with tears on my cheeks. It was still early, but I got up and showered.
Julia actually made it down for breakfast, to our shock — she wasn’t a morning person. Seth and Kabir came too, and my spirits lifted marginally at my friends’ show of support. I told them the story of the blue-eyed girl, and how wounded I felt, and how Jaden couldn’t be very interested in me, after all. Which, I pointed out, was a good thing — it should make it easier for me to disregard him until he was gone. The searing pain in my heart seemed to disagree, but I ignored it.
The first thing I noticed when we got home was Jaden’s car. My pulse immediately stepped up its pace. He came down the steps of the house as Seth and I got out of the car, and my heart hammered even harder as he stopped in front of us.
“Hi,” he said carefully. He looked tired. As though he hadn’t gotten much sleep, I thought bitterly.
“Hey dude,” Seth replied. “Off to the club?”
“No, I’m working on the pasture today,” Jaden told him. He glanced at me before striding away. It was a look of pity.
That was what pushed me over the edge. I could take being rejected, but I’d be damned if I was going to be the object of anyone’s pity. Especially Jaden’s.
“Kabir!” I marched over as he got out of his car. “I’m going to need you to kiss me.”
* * *
We spent considerable time planning and decided that the barn wall, facing the main riding ring, would be the most conspicuous. Jaden usually walked around the far side of the ring on his way to the house for lunch.
Kabir thought I should stand against the wall, but the others overrode him, not only because I had to be visible — and Kabir was big — but because I could more clearly demonstrate my willing participation in the kiss by leaning into him, rather than the other way around.
“Should we practice a bit first?” Kabir suggested jokingly once we were outside. At least, I hoped he was joking.
I gave him my most serious ‘be serious’ look. “I don’t think that will be necessary.”
“Sorry,” he said quietly. “I know this isn’t exactly fun for you. It’s not quite how I’ve imagined kissing you, either.”
I frowned. He had imagined kissing me?
“Kabir... are you sure you’re okay with this? I mean, you do realize that I’m basically using your body, right?”
“You think I mind you using my body?” He gave a comical leer. “Please, Téa, help yourself.” Then he grinned at me, his normal, friendly grin, and I relaxed somewhat. Kabir was an old friend, and I trusted him.
We got into position. He leaned back against the wall and I faced him uncertainly. His big arms closed around me, but he was tentative, barely touching me.
“You feel even smaller than you look,” he murmured. “I’m almost afraid to break you.”
I couldn’t help flashing him a quick smile, despite my pounding heart, because I had just been thinking the opposite. He was much bigger up close, at least twice as broad as me. I felt completely engulfed by his embrace.
“Try to relax,” he suggested, “you’re as stiff as a board.”
He was right; even my face felt stiff.
“I don’t think I can,” I whispered. Now that I was actually doing it, I was liking this idea less and less, and I wasn’t sure why.
“Come here,” he said, guiding my head onto his burly shoulder.
He patted my back with one hand. I closed my eyes and sighed as I realized why I was so uncomfortable — I felt like I was cheating. On Jaden. Which was obviously ridiculous, since he didn’t want to be with me, and never would. If Jaden had his way, my life would be spent doing this... kissing someone other than him. My resolve strengthened. I put my arms around Kabir’s neck.
“He’s coming,” he whispered, looking over my shoulder. He glanced down at me, his dark brown eyes uncertain. “You want me to take the initiative?”
I nodded slightly; my mouth was dry. Kabir looked nervous too, but he bent his head and lightly touched his lips to mine. I didn’t move.
“Come on, Téa, this isn’t going to convince anyone,” he whispered.
He pulled me closer, pressing me against him, and covered my mouth with his again. I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to pretend he was Jaden. I felt our lips move, and I didn’t resist.
I heard a powerful engine roaring to life, then the crunch and spray of gravel. I ripped away from Kabir and ran around the corner of the barn in time to see Jaden’s car spin sideways, fishtailing, before he recovered it and went tearing down the driveway. In the instant I saw it, his profile looked rigid. And flawless. And furious.
I sagged back against the barn and covered my face with my hands. I was shaking. Kabir put his arm around me and pulled me close to his side, supporting me.
“Come on, sweetie. Offhand, I’d say that was a complete success. Let’s go get the debriefing over with.”
I felt wretched. Seth and our friends thought the kiss had accomplished its purpose: it was now clear that I wasn’t simply sitting around pining for Jaden. But I was despairing because, in the end, I’d made him suffer — and I couldn’t help but be hurt by his pain. I wished I could take back my impulsive action; I was ashamed of what I’d done. I thought about calling him, but this wasn’t the kind of conversation you could have over the phone. I knew what I had to do. Luckily it was Monday so I had no lessons to teach. I got into the car and headed for Toronto.
* * *
I wasn’t sure he’d be home, but he answered right away. My heart was racing as I stepped through the doorway. I sidled over two steps and hunched against the wall, not watching as Jaden shut the door. He stepped back, putting some space between us. I glanced up at him — his hair was tousled, his face expressionless except for a tightness around the eyes. Those eyes bored into mine and I looked down quickly, unable to hold his gaze as shame coursed through me afresh.
“So,” he said, his voice flat.
I studied the scuffed toes of my paddock boots as I spoke.
“Jaden, I — I’m so sorry,” I stammered. I waited for the anger to come, for that look of fury he’d worn when I’d seen him last, roaring away in his car.
“Why are you sorry?” His voice was unexpectedly gentle.
I looked up in surprise. “Because I kissed Kabir,” I said, stating the obvious.
He managed a small, rueful smile. “You’re sorry for doing as I asked? Forgetting about me, and finding a boy your own age to date?”
“Yes. I mean no... Kabir and I aren’t dating.” I swallowed hard and forced myself to meet his eyes before whispering the truth. “I was trying to make you jealous.”
Shock crossed his face for an instant, quickly followed by the anger I’d expected. He stepped closer; I resumed my shoe inspection.
“Why?” he demanded, his voice rough. “After everything we’ve talked about, why would you even attempt that?”
I felt my face reddening and was glad he couldn’t see it. “Okay, it was stupid, I get it...” My voice trailed off as his fingers lifted my chin. I felt defiance mix with my embarrassment as I found his eyes again. They were intense, smoldering in a way I’d never seen before.
“It was stupid,” he growled softly, moving even closer. “But it worked.” I blinked, my brain stalling just as my heart began hammering fiercely. My eyes widened as he ducked his head and whispered in my ear, “You’re in a lot of trouble.”
