| |
––––––––
I stood frozen as Jaden’s lips brushed my earlobe, then slowly kissed my neck. The kisses continued down to my shoulder, leaving a burning path in evidence of their passing. He slid his hands lightly down my arms, and I trembled, my breathing accelerating wildly. Strong, warm hands suddenly gripped mine, which felt cold and clammy.
“Are you okay?” his low voice breathed.
I opened my eyes to find his face inches from mine. His molten gold-chip eyes were worried.
“Fine.” My voice came out in a whisper, and I laughed weakly. “Actually, much, much better than fine.”
His lips curved upward, transforming his face, and I felt warmth flush my cheeks. God, he was beautiful when he smiled like that. He took my face in his hands, his eyes holding mine with burning intensity. Slowly, watching every flicker of emotion on my face, he bent his head and brushed his lips against mine. Hesitantly, I slid my arms around his neck. He kissed me again, more firmly this time, and I felt his breathing speed in time with mine. Our lips were moving together now; warmth flooded my body, and I pulled myself tightly against him. His arms dropped down to my waist, and I gasped as his hands found the bare skin there. I’d forgotten I was wearing a short halter top. His touch felt hot, feverish. He groaned as he pulled me even tighter against his hard body.
“I remember the first time I saw you wearing this... this fragment of a shirt,” he murmured against my cheek. “I was so angry, I wanted to march you right back into the house and make you change.”
I pulled back slightly so I could see his face. “You were angry?” Not exactly the reaction I’d been going for.
A small, wry smile tugged at his mouth. “Of course I was. You made me want you. When I saw you coming down the steps with your whole midriff exposed...” He shook his head slightly, his voice husky. “I couldn’t deny anymore that I wanted you. I wanted you so badly, no matter how wrong it was.” His hands tightened convulsively on my back, and he kissed me again, harder this time, more urgently. I molded myself to his shape, my hands sliding into his hair. I had forgotten we were still in the entrance — in fact I barely remembered my own name — until Jaden grabbed my waist and lifted me so our faces were level. I felt the wall against my back; he held me there by leaning the entire length of his body against mine. Every inch of our bodies were pressed together now, but insanely, I wanted him still closer. His lips parted; I followed his lead and felt his tongue caress mine. I heard a low moan and was surprised to find it came from me. Too soon, he pulled away, lowering me gently, and we leaned together with our chests heaving.
When we had somewhat caught our breaths he chuckled quietly.
“I haven’t even asked you in — where are my manners?”
He guided me to the couch in the living room. I was shocked to note that part of me wanted to go the other way, toward the bedroom. We sat angled toward each other, and he held my hand in both of his. I felt almost shy, looking at him now. He started caressing the nape of my neck. Shivers ran down the length of my back at his touch.
“I would never have guessed that I’d like your hair short,” he murmured, smoothing a lock behind my ear, “but I love it. It shows off your long, slender neck.”
He leaned in and kissed the hollow behind my ear, then followed my hairline, one slow kiss at a time, to the nape of my neck, his arms sliding around me and supporting me, which was a good thing as my body seemed to have turned to jelly.
I sighed shakily, and Jaden shifted around so he was looking me full in the face.
“Is this... weird for you?” he asked carefully.
“No, not weird, more like — surreal. I can’t believe we’re actually doing this.” I smiled at him tentatively. “But I’m so glad we are.”
He pressed his lips softly against mine, and my stomach swooped like I’d missed a step going downstairs. I pulled him toward me, wanting to feel his body on mine again. I slid back further and further, until I was half-lying on my back with Jaden pressed deliciously against me. After only a few seconds, though, he pulled us both into a sitting position, chuckling.
“Let’s not rush things,” he said. “I suspect we have some things to discuss first.”
“All right,” I agreed, trying not to pout. “What would you like to discuss?”
“Well, for starters... am I a better kisser than Kabir?” He said it lightly, but he was watching my face carefully.
For a minute, I was speechless. I just stared at him blankly.
“I don’t know,” I finally stammered. “I wasn’t really paying attention with Kabir, to be honest.”
“Hmm. Then I guess I have my answer.” He gave a quick smile, which disappeared as he leaned in and held me with a penetrating stare.
“Look, I know you kissed him for my benefit — but please don’t do that again. I really hated it.”
“Okay.” My mind was still reeling, refusing to cooperate while I was trapped in his gaze. I tore my eyes away. To my relief, my brain started up again.
“While we’re on the subject of kissing other people,” I ventured, “what about Summer?”
He didn’t say anything right away, and I studied his face while he was thinking. His jaw was tight, and he was frowning, though he held my hand and was absently tracing circles on the back of my wrist with his thumb. I tried fruitlessly to ignore the tingling from his touch. Finally he looked at me, his face unhappy.
“If we’re going to make this work-” My heart leaped and it must have shown in my face because he smiled slightly. “If we’re going to be... involved, then I want us to be honest with each other. No secrets. Agreed?”
I nodded. Jaden was looking uncharacteristically nervous; he licked his lips and averted his eyes.
“I’ve been trying to deny that I was attracted to you. I tried to distract myself by seeing other people.” His voice was quiet.
I felt crushed, the tears threatening to flow, but I fought back my emotions. This was obviously hard for him, too, and he was only being honest. And after all, until today I really didn’t have any kind of claim here.
So I kept my face composed as I asked, “The girl at the polo club?”
His eyes returned to mine. “What girl?”
“The one standing next to you on Saturday. Sharleen said you guys hooked up at a party.” It was my turn to look away. I was afraid of what his face would reveal.
“Is that what you thought? Why you left early that night, and didn’t play yesterday?” He sounded... relieved. I peeked at him cautiously. “She had too much to drink at the party, and I drove her home. That’s all. I don’t even know why she showed up on Saturday.”
Well, I knew. “If not her, then who?”
“I’m not sure that matters. Tell me, did you really think I would have been picking up girls two weeks ago? What kind of man do you take me for?” He was frowning; he sounded upset.
“The kind who’s trying to distract himself,” I reminded him. “So you weren’t? Picking up girls?”
He looked away again, but squeezed my hand. “I was dating earlier this year. Starting with Brianna.”
I swallowed hard. “How many others?”
“One. Well, two if you count Summer, although we didn’t date, we just had the one... relapse.”
I winced but didn’t say anything. I was definitely counting Summer.
“Look, Téa, I’m a man, not a kid, and...” He sounded defensive.
“Let me guess,” I said bitterly, “you have ‘needs’-”
“That’s not what I was going to say-” he interjected.
“Did you sleep with them?” I pulled my hand away from him and clenched my fists in my lap.
“No.”
I glanced at him, and though his brow was furrowed, his eyes met mine calmly, hiding nothing. I believed him. Although I couldn’t help thinking that I could never have dated anyone but him these past few months.
“Did you kiss them?”
“Yes.”
I wasn’t really surprised, but it still hurt. I blinked back tears angrily; I didn’t want to cry. I felt Jaden’s hand on my face, gently trying to make me face him, but I resisted.
“Téa.” His smooth voice was very soft. I wished I didn’t love the sound of it so much. I kept my eyes resolutely away from him.
“Téa, look at me.”
I slowly lifted my eyes to his. He wiped away my tears with his thumbs.
“I know you’re hurting right now, but hear me out. First of all, you need to know that those other kisses were nothing like the ones we just shared. What we just did...” He exhaled hard. “Well, I’ve never felt anything like that before.”
A swell of joy coursed through me. “Really? I mean, neither have I, but you’ve probably had a bit more experience than me.”
“Maybe a bit.” He smiled. “Second, I was unattached at the time — in terms of relationships, I didn’t think of you as an option. Sometimes, in a moment of weakness, I’d consider the possibility, but I suppressed those hopes quickly because I knew they were wrong.”
I opened my mouth to argue, but he held up a finger to silence me. His face grew stern.
“Third, I haven’t kissed anyone recently. I’m not the one who was kissing someone else this very afternoon.”
“I — but — that’s totally different,” I spluttered.
He gave me a look that clearly indicated he didn’t think so.
“Now that I think of it, my kissing Summer was very similar,” he said. “I wasn’t trying to make you jealous. Rather, I was trying to convince myself I didn’t care that I wasn’t with you.”
I thought about it for a minute, then cocked my head and considered him. “Okay, how’s this — I’ll forgive you for Summer if you forgive me for Kabir.”
“Deal.”
We shook hands, and he pulled me forward and crushed me to his chest. “It’s so good to finally hold you,” he whispered.
“It’s even better to finally be held,” I replied. That was such a gross understatement it was almost laughable; I couldn’t remember ever being happier. I never wanted to move.
As though reading my thoughts, Jaden asked quietly, “How long do you have?”
I sighed. “Not long. I told Dec I had to help Teri with a personal crisis.”
We drew back and assessed each other. I knew we were wondering the same thing.
“Shall we keep this quiet for now?” he asked.
“Yes.” I hesitated. “But, Seth knows about... well, he knew why I was kissing Kabir.”
A flicker crossed his face. “Well, I didn’t expect Seth to stay in the dark for long,” he conceded.
“And, um,” I continued uncomfortably, “Teri also sort of knows... and Julia.”
He raised his eyebrows. “Does everyone know that you’ve been, uh-”
“Lusting after you?” I supplied, grinning.
He laughed. “Oh, is that what you’re doing?”
We grinned at each other, but my smile soon faded. “We can’t tell Dec,” I said quietly.
“I suppose there’s no reason to say anything yet,” he agreed, “though I don’t like lying to him. Eventually, though, we’ll have to tell him.” The prospect seemed to worry him.
I was secretly thrilled at this mention of the future. I was so happy that I didn’t even worry about breaking the news to Dec; after all, who knew what tomorrow would bring? Jaden walked me to my car, holding me close all the way. He kissed me goodbye far too briefly — though it was probably several minutes — and I drove away.
* * *
I was up early the next morning, even though I had barely slept. I’d been far, far too excited. I kept reliving every moment I’d spent with Jaden, every touch, every word. I wondered if I had dreamed the whole thing, but the look he gave me when he arrived the next morning made it clear everything had been real. We decided to go for a ride, after Seth agreed to teach my one morning class. They were beginners, and they would have fun with Seth, although they might not learn much.
We spoke very little on the ride. I led the way, taking Jaden to a little copse that I had discovered. It was a short distance from the regular trail, the trees surrounding it were very dense, and inside it was a small clearing. We dismounted and led our horses across the long, gently waving grass.
Once the horses were secured I took off my chaps; it was getting hot already. Jaden took my hand and led me into the shade of a large tree, and we faced each other, finally alone. I felt a bit tongue-tied as I watched his eyes roam over my face, pausing on the dark circles under my eyes.
“You look tired.” He smiled knowingly.
“So do you.” I smiled back.
He rested his hand on my cheek, softly brushing the dark smudge under my eye with his thumb. His touch was a balm; I leaned into it, feeling all the hurt and uncertainty of the past few months evaporate, like dreams touched by the morning light.
He watched my face as he put his other hand on my waist and inclined his head slowly. He meant to be gentle, to ease into our kiss as he had yesterday. I could tell that was his intention — but when our lips met, it was a flame meeting gasoline. His mouth came down hard on mine; my arms snaked around his neck as I flattened myself against him. I was yanked off the ground as he clamped his arms around me, and my legs wound around his hips of their own accord. I could hardly breathe, blood was roaring in my ears, and for a long time all I could feel and taste and smell and see was Jaden. Eventually, I felt a shift and realized we were lying on the grass, his weight binding our bodies even more tightly together. His lips traveled all over my face, my neck, my shoulders, while his hands caressed every part of me they could reach and I clutched him to me with all my strength, gasping.
When his mouth finally returned to mine it was softer, more patient. He kissed me deeply; I felt a moan in my throat and with the same sense of shock as the night before, I understood that I wanted him. I wanted us to strip off our clothes and make love right then and there. I was taken aback by the intensity of my desire. It was an entirely new thing in my experience.
“Jaden...”
It wasn’t the first time I’d said his name, but he sensed the difference and pulled back immediately.
“No, wait — don’t get off me,” I protested, drawing him back in.
He returned his body to mine with a slight smile, though he didn’t rest his full weight on me, I now realized. He looked somewhat apologetic.
“Sorry, that was a bit-” he started to say.
“Don’t,” I interrupted softly. I stared into his light-flecked eyes. “That was the best... interlude of my life. Don’t say anything against it.”
He exhaled in relief.
“Me too,” he murmured, nuzzling my cheek. “The best by far.”
I was thrilled beyond belief at his words. I knew Jaden had had other girlfriends, at least one of them serious, and he was twenty-three, after all — I was sure he had slept with some of them. The fact that our little romp could make him as happy as it did me was just unbelievably reassuring.
“The best, really?” I smiled at him a bit shyly. “Even though we’re not... we didn’t...” I couldn’t quite bring myself to say it.
“It’s all about who you’re with,” he murmured, winking.
I felt like it was only his body lying on mine that kept me from floating away.
“You know,” I began hesitantly, not sure how to bring it up. “If you want... um, we could-”
He eased off me, his expression tightening slightly.
“Is something wrong?” I asked worriedly.
“No, querida,” he reassured me quickly. He brushed my cheek with his fingers, studying my face, and then pulled me close and kissed me gently. I was all for getting carried away again, but he pulled back, grinning.
“Easy, Sparky.”
He knew how much I hated that nickname. I swatted at him and he sprang away, laughing. I had barely begun to give chase when he turned and caught me up in his arms. He carried me back to our shade tree and sat down under it, leaning his back against the trunk and settling me sideways in his lap. I nestled against him. He had one arm around my shoulders, and his other hand went to my bare legs — I was wearing shorts. He made a sound low in his throat, almost a sound of pain.
“What?” When I looked at him his eyes were closed.
“You have the softest skin of anyone I’ve ever known,” he explained, his voice rough. His eyes locked onto mine; they were smoldering. My stomach fluttered madly in response, but I must have still looked puzzled.
“It’s very arousing,” he explained.
“Oh.” I didn’t know what to say to that.
“Maybe a little too arousing,” he continued wryly. He took his hand off my leg.
“Oh, that’s right,” I laughed, “because we’re trying so hard not to turn each other on today.”
He laughed with me, squeezing me tighter against him. The smile lingered on his face, but his eyes were serious when he spoke again.
“I still can’t believe that I’m touching you like this.” His fingers trailed up and down my arm, and I tried to ignore the thrill that shot through me so I could concentrate on what he was saying.
“You don’t know how long I’ve waited for you to do that,” I confessed, turning my face into his neck to hide my blush.
“It can’t be as long as I’ve wanted to.” His voice was almost bleak. “I tried to deny it for a long time; I was so ashamed of myself for thinking of you that way.”
“Why?” I asked softly. “I mean, I had reservations too, but you seemed more-”
“Stupidly stubborn?”
I kissed his jaw.
“I think ‘troubled’ is more accurate.”
He sighed. “Téa, you’re my little cousin.” He didn’t flinch away from the word, as I sometimes did. “I thought of you as someone I was supposed to protect, and help, and love like a sister.”
“And now?”
He cupped my chin with his hand. His eyes were unapologetic; they held mine steadily as he bent his head and kissed me slowly. The butterflies invaded my stomach again, and I wondered idly how long it would take before my heart stopped trying to fling itself out of my chest every time he touched me.
“I’ve surrendered,” he said somewhat grimly.
I made a sound of contentment and melted against him. I reveled in his closeness; I ran my hand slowly over his chest, his shoulder, and down his arm. His forearms were detailed like a Thoroughbred’s, and I traced my fingers over each distinct muscle and vein. I felt a shiver go through him, and he caught and held my hand. I pressed my lips to his neck, inhaling the addictive scent of his skin. It made me want to get even closer. Maybe Jaden was getting similarly distracted because he spoke again.
“So, when did you know, exactly?” he asked quietly.
I understood right away what he meant.
“It was that night I went downtown with Ter and Jules,” I admitted somewhat hesitantly. I didn’t want to remind him of how childishly I had behaved just two short months ago. As if to confirm my fears, I thought I saw him wince.
“The night I manhandled you and made you cry.” His voice was flat.
I stroked his cheek, wanting to comfort him.
“That’s not the way I remember it,” I said. “It was so confusing at first... I did my best to ignore my feelings, but — well, we both know how well that worked out,” I finished wryly.
He ran his hand down my back, pausing midway and following the curve of my ribs forward. My breathing got shaky as his hand trailed down to my stomach.
“You’re thin again.” His eyes were liquid with remorse.
“You’re not to blame for my inability to feed myself.”
In answer, he kissed each of my eyelids. “I’m sorry for every tear I made you shed.”
“None of them were your fault,” I protested. “I’m just not as self-sacrificing as you are. I was selfish enough to want you, no matter what the consequences.”
“Disregarding consequences does sound like your m.o.,” he agreed, his mouth tugging up a bit.
I felt his smile drawing me in — it made me want to touch him, kiss him again, but there were questions that I’d waited too long to have answered. I didn’t want to get sidetracked, so I shifted off his lap and sat on the grass. He kept my hand in his.
“What about you? When did you know?”
“The night of that party, I already suspected that my feelings for you weren’t what they should be, but I managed to justify them to myself.” He glanced down at me, his eyes unreadable. “I had to make an effort not to hurt that boy, you know. The one who was plastered against you.”
I tried to hide my surprise. I hadn’t realized to what extent that scene had bothered him.
“But I told myself it was only natural that I felt protective of you — after all, you’re young, and you had placed yourself in what was potentially a very dangerous situation.” He squeezed my hand with a small smile, letting me know it wasn’t a rebuke.
“Did you end up admitting it that night?”
“No, I managed to delude myself a bit longer. Until the day you tackled Davis, in fact.”
His body tensed, and a shadow crossed his face. I couldn’t bear to see it. I kneeled in front of him, straddling his legs, and took his face in my hands.
“Don’t be sad,” I whispered. I knew he was blaming himself for something he had only considered. The fact that he had never acted on the impulse didn’t seem to matter to him; I didn’t know what to say to make him feel better. A sudden question distracted me. “Wait — is that why you stayed away so long?”
He took my hands and held them in his.
“Yes. I was trying to get a handle on my feelings. It was my reaction that day that finally convinced me; I was so terrified you’d been hurt that I was shaking. After that, I couldn’t keep pretending I didn’t care more than I should.”
I lowered my eyes; the memory of my idiocy — and of his fury — made it hard to look at him. I studied our hands. He raised one of our entwined pairs and brushed my cheekbone with his fingers.
“I want you to know, I never thought about hurting you, querida,” he said quietly. “And thank God, or I wouldn’t deserve you. I’m sorry I let you believe that I did.”
My eyes flew to his; a smile was growing inexorably on my face. “I knew it! I knew you wouldn’t do that. You’re way too chivalrous to ever hit a girl.”
“Chivalrous?” He raised a brow.
“Don’t bother denying it.” I grinned at him. “But then why...” I lapsed into thought, wondering at the lie.
“Dec had already jumped to that conclusion,” he explained. I could see how the thought hurt him, though he tried not to show it. “It was easier to just go with it... after all, what other explanation could I offer? I couldn’t admit the truth. And in the end, I made the same decision you did and tried to subdue those feelings.”
“You still touched me, though,” I said slowly. I saw surprise flit across his face. “The day you came back, you put your hand on my shoulder.”
“You remember that?” He sounded amazed.
I gave a short laugh.
“Jaden, your touch is not something I can forget. Or ignore.” His eyes were starting to smolder again, and I felt my pulse react. “You only stopped touching me after Stacey’s party,” I remembered.
“Ah, yes. Stacey’s party.” If those words were terse, the next ones were a growl. “I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that.”
I was still straddling his lap; he raised his knees and I slid forward, thudding into him. His arms snaked around me, holding me fast. He rubbed his cheek against mine.
“How dare you,” he growled softly in my ear, “come to a family event looking so utterly desirable, and then proceed to ignore me for the duration?”
I didn’t get a chance to answer because his mouth came down on mine, the frustration he had felt that day still evident in his kiss. I was soon reciprocating just as intensely; the feeling of his body against mine had me unhinged in minutes.
We stopped to catch our breath, leaning our foreheads together.
“It seemed wiser to avoid you,” I said when I could speak, “considering that what I wanted to do was this...”
I wove my hands into his hair — it was surprisingly soft — and he leaned his head back against the tree trunk, closing his eyes.
“And this...”
I kissed his eyelids, his cheekbones, his jaw. His breath was coming fast again, but then, so was mine.
“And especially, this...”
I pressed my lips to his, trying to emulate the way he had kissed me the day before. It wasn’t long before we were rolling onto the grass again; I ended up lying on top of him.
“You know, I was under the impression you didn’t like my new look that day,” I said.
“Are you serious? Téa, when I walked into that yard and saw the girl in the yellow dress, I was attracted to her. My body reacted to hers. When you turned around, and I saw it was you, I couldn’t believe it. I’d worked so hard to convince myself that you were too young — even if you weren’t my cousin — and then you show up, looking not only years older, but also... delicious. I was going out of my mind.”
“Delicious, really?” I brushed my lips against his. He clamped his arms around me and set about proving his words. He was very convincing — I believed him.
We lay side by side on the grass and talked. I could still scarcely believe that I could touch him anytime I wanted, and Jaden seemed similarly bemused because he was constantly reaching for me as we spoke, stroking my hair, my face, my arms.
“What does ‘querida’ mean?” I asked. I’d started picking up some Spanish on the polo fields, but that wasn’t a word I’d heard before.
“It means ‘beloved’; I guess we use it like ‘darling’,” he said tenderly. I smiled; I had a new favorite word.
“What time do you need to be back?” Jaden asked finally.
“I don’t have a lesson until two, it can’t be that late yet.” I didn’t want to leave. Ever. But my traitorous stomach had other plans because right on cue, it growled.
He laughed. “Come on, let’s get you home so I can feed you.”
“No,” I protested, “I’d rather stay — who knows when we’ll be alone like this again.”
“You are not missing another meal because of me,” he said. He was already getting to his feet, pulling me with him. He put his hand on my cheek. “We have all the time in the world, querida. Now that I have you, I’m not going anywhere.”
