Eighteen

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I brought Cameo to another show that weekend, and she won another championship ribbon. It looked as though I’d be going to the Royal with a pony this year. Which was still quite an accomplishment, as everyone pointed out — it just wasn’t the one I was aiming for. So when Robin called that week to say that Hades’ owners wanted me to take over his training, I was ecstatic. There was only one obstacle: Dec.

“No way,” he said emphatically when I brought it up. “I won’t have Robin on my property.”

“But Dec,” I pleaded, “she’d barely be here, she only coaches the owners once in a while. The horse is a bit much for them.”

He frowned at me. “You know, Téa, you never mentioned Robin when you told me that story.”

“I didn’t think it was relevant,” I said evasively.

“Uh-huh,” he said, dubious. “Well, I asked around after you rode that horse, and from what I’ve heard, he’s downright dangerous. So the answer is no.”

I huffed in frustration; we couldn’t afford to turn away a new boarder, especially one who would also bring in training fees.

“Come on, Dec, would you object to this if Robin wasn’t involved?” I demanded, arms crossed.

Jaden’s phone rang as I watched Dec’s face set in familiar lines of resistance.

“Stop arguing with him, querida, you’re making things worse.”

It took a minute for the words to register, but when they did I nearly jumped in surprise before I realized that Jaden had spoken in Spanish. I understood the sentence almost perfectly; I glanced over and saw him lounging on the couch, continuing what I assumed was a fictitious conversation in rapid Spanish. As I watched he hung up, still without looking at me.

I turned back to Dec with a smile.

“Okay, Dec. And... thanks for worrying about me.”

He seemed completely disarmed. “I — well, all right then,” he muttered. He headed outside.

I went and sat next to Jaden.

“You made your phone ring?” I checked.

“‘There’s an app for that’,” he quoted with a grin.

“I feel like a secret agent.” I smiled at him. My hand was on the couch; he brushed his fingers lightly over mine.

“Let me deal with Dec, okay? The two of you just feed off each other’s obstinacy.”

I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, that should be a challenge. You guys are on the same side.”

“No, we’re not,” he disagreed.

I looked at him in surprise. “But... you object to me riding Hades even more than he does.”

“I’ll admit that I did, at first. But not anymore. I’ve come to realize that it’s not fair for my fears to hold you back, querida. I always want to lift you up, not keep you down.”

“Though I don’t actually mind when you hold me down,” I reminded him suggestively.

He chuckled. “Well, for now, let’s see what I can do about Hades.”

Dec barbecued again that night, and we sat outside to eat. I had just absently pushed the rest of my half-eaten burger toward Jaden, ignoring Seth’s affronted look, when the subject of Hades came up. I was a bit taken aback that the conversation started while I was around to witness it.

“When was the last time you watched Téa compete?” Jaden was asking Dec.

“I don’t remember, but then, I see her ride almost every day.”

“That’s not the same thing. You have to watch her one of these days, Dec. She’s incredible. She’s one of those people who shines under pressure, who can pull everything together when it really counts.”

I was gazing at Jaden in amazement, but he wasn’t looking at me. His eyes were on Dec, who was frowning.

“It’s not right to limit that kind of talent, Dec. Téa has world-class potential. She deserves a jumper of her own to ride.”

Dec sighed. “That’s just not in the cards right now. We don’t have that kind of money lying around.” He looked at me. “You understand, don’t you?”

I gave a small nod.

“Well, her own horse would be ideal, but it’s not the only option,” Jaden said slowly. “Not if everyone’s prepared to be a little bit flexible.”

“I know where you’re going with this,” Dec warned.

“And you wouldn’t consider it under any condition? For your daughter’s future?”

Dec hesitated; he looked at me, and I knew we had won. He and Jaden hammered out the details while Seth and I did the dishes, and I couldn’t stop smiling.

* * *

I had a quick shower, combed through my damp hair and donned one of my few dresses. A summery blue and white, it flowed simply down from spaghetti straps at the shoulders to end barely at mid-thigh.

I headed for the barn to say goodbye to Jaden. I didn’t really feel like going out anymore, now that he had unexpectedly arrived, but I’d promised the girls, and it had been a while since we had done anything non-horse-related. I resolved to be cheerful and try to have fun.

Lisa emerged from the tackroom as I came in, her chubby form festooned by her saddle and bridle.

“My goodness dear, you look nice,” she exclaimed, looking me up and down. “I think you’ve changed even more than Alyssa this past year.” Alyssa was Lisa’s daughter and was my age.

“Um, thanks,” I mumbled.

Jaden wasn’t in the school horse aisle. We strolled around the corner.

“Dec must have his hands full trying to keep the boys away from you,” Lisa teased, a twinkle in her kind eyes. I shrugged awkwardly as she started saddling her pinto gelding.

I spotted Jaden in Piba’s stall; I was feeling distinctly uncomfortable as I caught his eye and mouthed, ‘hayloft?’ He gave a tiny nod. His expression was carefully smooth, the way he looked when he didn’t want me to know what he was thinking.

I hadn’t been upstairs long before his arms closed around me. I leaned back into him with a sigh, feeling that peculiar sense of relief that his touch always brought. I twisted my head up to ask how he was, but my question was lost as his mouth came down on mine. He kissed me slowly, his hands traveling up and down my dress. The heat from his touch seared through the thin fabric.

“Wow,” I said shakily a few minutes later. “Now I really don’t want to go.”

He pulled me around to face him, wearing a slightly resigned smile.

“Go have fun with the girls. I’ll be here when you get back.”

“Really?” I brightened instantly. “I thought you weren’t staying tonight.”

“Do you honestly think I’d leave after seeing you dressed like that? I’m staying right here to make sure you come home safe. And alone.” He smiled to let me know he was joking, but there was worry in his eyes.

I frowned. “Do you want me to go change?”

“Of course not. I adore that dress.” As if to prove it, he ran his hands over it again, down my sides and over my hips, stopping at the hem.

“Good,” I murmured, “because I only wore it for you.”

I covered his hands with mine and slid them down, onto my bare thighs. He stifled a groan as his body tensed against mine, and I was grateful once again for the unexpected power of my skin. He quickly jerked his hands away and wrapped his arms around me.

“If you’re trying to drive me out of my mind, you’re succeeding,” he growled softly in my ear.

“It’s about time you learned how it feels,” I teased, kissing his neck.

He pulled back to give me a mock insulted look. His eyes seemed to get pulled down to my body of their own accord; when they came up they were troubled again.

“What’s wrong?” I whispered, touching his face.

He smoothed his expression quickly.

“Not a thing. You should go or you’ll be late.” He stroked his hands down my arms, making me shiver, and hesitated. “You look wonderful.”

I took his face in my hands, feeling the thrill that never seemed to wane at the knowledge that this beautiful person was mine. This beautiful, sometimes jealous person.

“Jaden, I am yours,” I reminded him fiercely. “My soul is yours already, and my body will be yours anytime you decide to avail yourself of it... maybe you should stop resisting.”

“Now isn’t the right time, querida.”

“Why? I love you. I want to be with you in every way possible.”

“In every way?” he said suggestively. “Well, that should keep us busy for a while.”

I could see both humor and hunger in his eyes, along with something else I couldn’t identify. He kissed my bare shoulder, his hands gliding again across the smooth fabric of my dress.

“If this is part of your continued attempts to heighten the anticipation, I think we’ve overshot the mark a bit,” I told him breathlessly as the kisses trailed up my neck to my ear. It was so unfair — he had only to touch me for me to lose any hope of restraint. It was time to fight fire with fire. I tugged up my dress, found one of his wandering hands with mine, and placed it on the bare skin of my waist. The response was instantaneous; with a groan, his arms clamped around me, his other hand also snaking under the fabric to find the skin of my back. His lips crushed mine. As I was yanked off my feet I twined my legs around him. He loosened one arm from around my body to caress my thigh, moaning low in his throat. Then, abruptly, he stopped. He disentangled my arms and legs gently and set me on my feet, not meeting my eyes.

“You’re still feeling guilty,” I sighed.

He looked remorseful, but I didn’t know whether he felt that way for stopping so abruptly or for allowing himself to get carried away in the first place. To my chagrin, I suspected the latter.

“Let’s not talk about it now,” he said quietly, smoothing my still-damp hair away from my face. “Go out, have fun. I’ll see you later.”

I nodded. I wanted to get to the bottom of this, but I was definitely late now. I stood on tiptoe to kiss him quickly before hurrying down the ladder.

* * *

I saw a good movie with Teri and Julia, and afterward, we went to a coffee shop. Teri and Rob were going through a rough patch; Julia and I listened sympathetically as Teri described their problems.

“What about you, Jules?” I asked her. “Seems like you’ve been having a quiet summer on the dating front.” Julia usually went through several boys in the course of a season.

“It just doesn’t seem to hold the same excitement it once did.” She shrugged.

“You sound like Seth,” I told her. “Can you believe he’s only dated one girl all summer? And she only lasted a few weeks. He normally has them lined up.”

“No surprise there. Have you looked at Seth lately, T?” Julia asked.

I was surprised at her comment, but to be honest, I hadn’t noticed much of anything this summer, other than Jaden. I told the girls as much.

“Are you guys doing it yet?” Teri inquired.

“No,” I admitted. It was getting frankly embarrassing. “He still wants to wait.”

“Maybe he’s waiting until you’re eighteen,” Julia suggested. “Then you won’t be jailbait.”

I considered the idea, but it seemed pretty far-fetched to me. I couldn’t imagine that a few months would make that much of a difference to him. We moved on to new topics, like the fact that school was starting in a couple of weeks; it was a source of growing anxiety for Jaden and me. We had talked at length about whether we should disclose our relationship — after all, once school started, we’d need an explanation for why we were spending so much time together. But we worried that if our family didn’t take it well, it would be that much easier for them to keep us apart once Jaden wasn’t living with us anymore.

I got home in time to do the bedtime check of the barn with Jaden; Dec had gone into town so we weren’t rushed. We climbed to the hayloft and got comfortable.

“Now will you tell me what’s going on?” I asked, taking his hand.

“Yes.” He took a deep breath before speaking. “You know, in many ways, I’m closer to Dec than to my own dad,” he said quietly.

I nodded. “I know that Dec thinks of you almost as another son.” The thought made me uncomfortable, but it was the truth.

“Do you remember when I went to live with my father?”

“Not very well. I only remember it as the time we stopped seeing you.” Seth and I had been eleven. I recalled that Dec was upset about Jaden moving, and him talking to my mom about it.

“Well, you know part of the story. I was sixteen and going through a rough time. I wasn’t getting along with my mother... what I neglected to tell you before is that I wanted to come here and live with Dec.”

He was watching my expression. His own was sad; it hurt me like a physical pain. We were sitting side by side on a bale, resting our backs against the green pile behind us. I straddled his legs so I could hug him.

“Don’t be sad,” I murmured against his neck. “Whatever’s going on, whatever you need to be happy, we’ll do it.”

He held me tightly, his face in my hair.

“Do you realize, if I’d come to live here, I would have been like an older brother to you?” His voice was so quiet I could barely detect the strain in it.

I tried to pull back; it was a minute before he released me. I took his face in my hands.

“Are you torturing yourself over what might have been?” It came out sounding more severe than I’d intended, and I took a breath and tried again. “What I mean is, yes, things would have been different then — but you didn’t come live with us, and we barely knew each other until this past year. Why is this suddenly relevant?”

His sadness was beginning to scare me.

“It’s relevant because it illustrates that we’re linked by more than just our love for each other. There’s family history involved.”

I waited. He sighed and went on.

“Dec welcomed me with open arms. I suspect he thought I needed the guidance of a father figure, or at the very least a firmer hand to control my growing wild streak. In the end, though, my mother wouldn’t allow me to leave. She wanted me at home, with her. Dec wouldn’t allow me to come without her permission... they argued about it and it caused a rift between them for a time.”

I made myself comfortable against his shoulder again. It was hard to stay nervous while I was safely tucked against Jaden; his familiar smell in my nostrils and his hand idly drawing circles on my back were too soothing. But I did feel a growing sense of unease.

“I ended up moving in with my father because he had no compunction about me leaving without my mom’s permission. My mother fought with him about that. Then, as I got into increasing amounts of trouble, Dec began arguing with my dad as well. For years, they barely spoke — until last Christmas, in fact — because of me. Even Aunt Penny got involved and argued with her brothers.”

I stroked his face, not knowing what to say to make him feel better.

“So as you can see, I’ve already been the source of considerable discord in our family-”

“And I thought I was the black sheep. I have a long way to go before I touch your record.” I couldn’t help the impish smile that followed that thought.

“Don’t get any ideas,” he growled, but his tone was lightened by the amused look on his face.

As always, his smile drew me in. I pressed my lips against his, and he responded, but something wasn’t right. He was too hesitant, too careful. I drew back, my unease exploding into fear.

“What’s wrong?” I questioned him anxiously.

His eyes were guarded. “Nothing, I just-”

“Don’t say nothing — why can’t you kiss me?”

My heart was racing now, my mouth dry with dread. I’d known he was uneasy, but now I suspected a much more serious problem. I just stared at him, wide-eyed, and told myself to be patient and let him finish speaking. Even though I was quite sure I didn’t want to hear what he was going to say.

He averted his eyes and swallowed before continuing.

“I went to my mom’s last night. I wanted to get a sense of how she would react to... to us. We talked for a long time. I tried to be careful about what I said, but she’s very perceptive. I think she started to suspect what I was asking.”

He looked at me then, and his eyes were pleading. I was still staring, my face frozen.

“Téa, my mother’s Catholic. And she believes that, in the eyes of God, you are my cousin. Period.”

Now I was not only scared but perplexed too. Jaden had never given any indication that he was religious.

“I’m... confused. What does that mean?”

“It means that I don’t think my mother will accept us being a couple. That if we persist in being together, I’ll create more discord in this family, when I’ve already done enough damage. And that you’ll be the focus of much of that tension, when what you need most right now is a calm, stable family life.”

If. He’d said ‘if we persist’... he wanted to end it. I heard short, panting breaths coming from my mouth. I was hyperventilating.

“I have to go,” I mumbled.

I scrambled up, my mind a panicked blank, feeling nothing but an overpowering need to escape. He caught me before I’d taken two steps, his arms winding around me from behind.

“Wait, Téa.” I heard tears in his voice.

“For what? Divine permission?” I choked out. I struggled to break away from him, but his arms constricted like steel bands, crushing me, and he buried his face in my hair.

“Let go of me, Jaden.” My voice was suddenly oddly calm. “I can’t talk about this now. I’m past my limit. Just let me go.”

He released me. For the first time ever, I was in a hurry to get away from him. I threw myself down the ladder, scraping my shins, and ran. It was dark outside, but I knew the trails well. I ran until I couldn’t run any further, stumbling often in the darkness, and when I couldn’t run anymore I walked. Walking was a Herculean task; I felt as though a gaping hole had opened up under my feet, as if the Earth itself had become unstable.

I moved numbly, with no destination in mind. My feet, of their own volition, followed the familiar trails that I’d been riding twice a week. Even with the nearly full moon, the woods were creepy at night and as I became aware of my surroundings I increased my pace, trying to get out of the forest as quickly as possible. My feet hurt. Fortunately I was wearing almost flat shoes, but they were not designed for running. I was sure I had blisters, and now that I wasn’t running anymore I shivered violently in my thin dress.

The trail opened onto our practice field, and beyond it, I could see lights on in the barn and Mateo’s apartment. I’d never been inside, but I knew where it was, and I stumbled tiredly to the door. He answered after the first knock.

“Téa.” His eyebrows shot up in surprise. He didn’t wait for me to speak, but put his arm around me and led me inside, his eyes on my tear-streaked face. He led me to a small kitchen and sat me down.

“Are you okay?” He looked concerned.

I nodded, another violent shiver shaking my frame. He left and came back with a sweater, which I put on gratefully.

“Would you like some tea?”

“Please.” It was barely audible.

After he’d made tea he sat in the chair next to mine.

“Would you like to talk about it?” he asked kindly.

I shook my head. “I just had a fight... with my family. I didn’t mean to run so far.” My voice sounded strange, as though it belonged to someone else. “Sorry for barging in on you like this.”

He smiled warmly and patted my hand. “You are always welcome, chiquita.”

I was finally getting warm, thanks to the tea and the sweater. I looked at Mateo. He was really very nice, I thought. I wondered why Jaden disliked him so much.

“How long have you lived here?” I asked. Anything to keep my mind off the horrible thoughts I couldn’t yet face. We went through another two cups of tea, and it was only when he yawned that I realized it must be late.

“Can I use your phone, Mateo?”

He handed me a cell phone and walked into the other room while I dialed, giving me some privacy. The time on the phone said almost midnight. Somehow over two hours had passed since I’d gone out to the barn.

Dec answered on the first ring.

“Téa!” The relief was strong in his voice. “Are you okay? Where are you?”

“I’m fine. I’m at Mateo’s.” I swallowed against the lump in my throat. His obvious concern — with no trace of anger — was touching. “I’m really sorry, Dec.”

“We’ll talk about it later, kiddo.” He still didn’t sound angry.

I heard voices in the background.

“Jaden’s coming to pick you up,” he relayed.

“Wait — can you come instead?” I whispered. I wasn’t ready to face Jaden yet. The very thought had my throat constricting and my heart hammering painfully against my ribs.

There was a pause. “Sure. I’ll be right there.” He sounded surprised.

Mateo wandered back in a minute later. We didn’t talk much while we waited, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. The barn dogs announced Dec’s truck within minutes — he must have been speeding. Mateo walked me to the door and opened it so Dec could find us by the light spilling onto the ground. They shook hands.

“Thank you,” Dec told him sincerely.

Dec was silent until we reached the road. It was quiet at this time of night, with only occasional headlights slicing through the gloom.

“What happened, Téa? I went to the barn to look for you and found Jaden looking like someone had shot his dog. He nearly went berserk when I asked where you were, he thought you were in the house.”

I really didn’t want to talk about this, but I had no choice. I had to come up with some sort of explanation for my behavior.

“We had a fight,” I said quietly.

“That much is already obvious.” It wasn’t said unkindly. He hesitated. “Is there something going on that I should know about, Téa?”

I was surprised by how calm he sounded, considering that my heart nearly exploded with fear at his question. I tried to think quickly, but my mind was numb and overwhelmed. This was my chance to finally tell him the truth — and I found, to my intense surprise, that I wanted him to know. I was tired of lying... but then a deep, aching pain reminded me that the need for secrecy was over. It seemed pointless to go through the drama of revealing our relationship on the eve of its burial. And it was safer to keep the secret, to be sure that Dec wouldn’t disclose anything to Aunt Paloma; I didn’t want Jaden to suffer unnecessarily. So I sighed and tried to weave a lie from bits of truth.

“Jaden had a disagreement with his mom,” I began, faltering, “and, well, I guess I wasn’t very supportive. He was already upset, and I argued with him about how he should deal with her.”

Dec nodded. Then he surprised me.

“Did it make you miss your mom?” he asked gently.

I thought of all the times I’d wished my mother had been there to help me through my relationship minefield. I was sure that if she’d still been alive, Jaden and I could be together openly. I knew she would have had no objections herself; she had been very open-minded. And she’d had a way of smoothing things over with Dec, so I was fairly confident he would have accepted the news coming from her. But tonight, during this time of crisis, I hadn’t once thought of her. I wondered if that should bother me. I shrugged. He seemed to take it as assent; he reached over and put his hand on my shoulder. We were already pulling into the long driveway.

“I miss her too, honey.” His voice was gruff. He added something in a voice too low for me to make out clearly, but it sounded like, “especially at times like this.”

I trudged up to the house slowly, not wanting to confront what was inside. I was afraid the sight of Jaden’s face would send me spiraling out of control and walked through the door with my pulse pounding and my mouth dry.  

He was across the room. I seemed to have caught him in mid-pace; I had a glimpse of wild eyes burning into mine before I looked quickly away. Seth called out from in front of the computer.

“Neeps, Sparky.” He grinned, shaking his head.

I gave him a weak smile.

“I’m going to have a shower,” I muttered to no one in particular. I bolted upstairs. I turned the shower on as hot as I could stand it, and stood without moving for a long time. I refused to allow myself to think, concentrating on every menial detail of showering, brushing my teeth, and dressing for bed. My feet were bleeding where my shoes had cut into them, and I carefully applied bandages, always ignoring the rock-hard clenching of my stomach and the racing pace of my heart, which refused to slow.

I thought I would toss and turn for hours, but my mind, desperate for escape, fled into unconsciousness almost immediately. I was startled awake by a dark shape looming above me; my gasp was muffled by a familiar hand over my mouth.

“Shh, it’s me.”

And suddenly I was in his arms, and we were kissing each other through our tears. We kissed tenderly, carefully, afraid to hurt each other. I tasted the salt from our silent mourning. Eventually, we lay down. He stayed next to me, on top of the covers, holding me in a tight embrace. He tried to speak only once, but I placed my fingers on his lips and he subsided immediately. I didn’t want to hear what was coming, not yet.  For just a few more hours, I wanted to pretend he was still mine. I didn’t even worry that what we were doing was astonishingly risky, that we could so easily get caught if Dec came to check on me. I just settled my head against his shoulder with a sigh and fell asleep.

* * *

I awoke to bright sunshine the next morning. I was alone in bed, and it was late. I had a lesson to teach at nine, which meant I had ten minutes to get to the barn. I dressed and brushed my teeth quickly, but walked right past the kitchen on my way out — there was no question of eating with my stomach still so painfully cramped. When I got to the barn, Seth took one look at me and offered to teach my class. I accepted gratefully and went to find Jaden, trembling with apprehension.

I ran through scenarios as I walked. I had promised Jaden that I would do whatever it took to make him happy, and I meant it. If what he really, truly needed was for us to be apart — well, I would have no choice. I would make it as easy as I could for him. The very thought made my head spin, as though I was teetering on the brink of a vast abyss, but I choked back my sobs firmly. Hysterics would solve nothing; I needed to be able to think clearly. But mostly, I needed to see Jaden, to look into his eyes and find the truth hidden there.

I found him working on the run-in shed, and stood for a while, admiring the muscles rippling in his bronze back. Last night he’d been so vulnerable, so open. I was worried about what I might find this morning, dreading the return of the closed, guarded expression of yesterday’s fateful conversation. Long before I was done watching him, he spotted me. He joined me immediately, the warm, somewhat worried smile on his face making me weak, as usual. I searched his eyes carefully — they held anxiety, and confusion, and pain, but I felt relief that he was allowing me to see it. Doubtless the same emotions were reflected back to him from my eyes.

“Good morning.” His voice was smooth as honey.

I started to feel the predictable effects of his proximity, and to make matters worse, he was still shirtless. Without thinking, I placed my hand on his solid stomach. He covered my hand with his, squeezing it against him for an instant, then pulled it away and dropped it. I understood his warning look; we were quite far from the barn, but still visible.

“Can we talk?” he asked quietly.

At my nod, he turned and led the way down the narrow trail in the grass, pulling on his white T-shirt as we walked. Barely out of sight of the barn, he took my hand and held it tightly. We went to the edge of the field; it was a beautiful spot, dotted with wildflowers and ringed by tall leafy trees, but I wasn’t in any state to appreciate its loveliness.

We sat in the long, slightly damp grass. I wasn’t aware that I was clutching my stomach until Jaden put his hand on mine.

“Does your stomach hurt?” I saw guilt darkening his eyes.

“Not really,” I lied, removing my hand.

“Did you eat?”

I gave my head a small shake. He didn’t reproach me, for once. Instead, he cupped my face with one hand and kissed me. It was a soft kiss, but he lingered. I responded despite myself and before I knew it we were rolling onto the damp grass, limbs entwined, kissing with a passion that tasted of desperation.

“Wait,” I protested breathlessly as the weight of his body pressed onto mine.

“Please, Téa,” he breathed in my ear, “please, just let me be close to you.”

It was a plea I almost couldn’t resist. It was so difficult, in fact, that I hedged for several minutes, while Jaden’s lips grew more insistent and his body moved against mine in new, more purposeful ways. He showed no sign of pulling back, as he normally would have by this point. That’s what set off the alarm bells in my head — the fact that his behavior still seemed desperate. As though this was our last chance...

“Jaden, stop.” It came out in a whisper.

He sagged against me, his breathing rapid in my ear. I felt a sudden stab of doubt. What if it was our last chance? Had I just given up my only opportunity to make love to Jaden? Regret began rising within me, but I suppressed it quickly. Things were confusing enough right now, I’d have plenty of time to suffer through it later.

He flung himself roughly onto his back and shielded his eyes with his arm. He lay there for a second, then reached for me and gathered me to his side, settling my head on his shoulder. His face was rigid, set.

“I’m sorry,” he said stiffly. “As though I don’t have enough to apologize for... we can add my behavior just now to the list of reasons why you’d be better off without me.”

I exhaled sharply in frustration.

“Okay, time out,” I snapped. I sat up, jerking out of his embrace. “Jaden, would you please tell me what the hell is going on?” It felt good to get angry; it burned away the feelings of sorrow and uncertainty and unworthiness. For now.

He sat up and faced me, but he couldn’t meet my eyes.

“The only thing going on is my complete and utter inability to do the right thing by you,” he said tersely.

“What does that even mean?” I threw up my hands. “Look, all I want to know is-” My voice broke, and I had to swallow hard before I could go on. “Is there any hope of us being together, or is it really over?”

His eyes snapped up then; they burned into mine while his hands grasped my arms so hard it hurt.

“What? Of course we’re together — I thought-”

But I didn’t get to hear what he thought because right about then I started sobbing. He pulled me onto his lap, whispering words of comfort, Spanish interwoven amongst them.

“Mi bebé preciosa, I thought you knew... that after last night you would have known we were still together.” He kissed my hair, my forehead, my face. “Téa, my resolve didn’t last five minutes after you left.”

It took me a few minutes to get my crying under control, and then I took what felt like the first real breath I’d taken since the night before.

“You scared me for a minute there,” I said. The understatement of the century.

“Did you really think I would have touched you the way I just did, taken advantage of you like that, if we weren’t together?” There was an edge to his voice — more than annoyed, almost angry.

“Would you stop saying that!” My anger, on the other hand, was fully present.

He was taken aback. “Saying what?”

“That you’re taking advantage of me! How many times must I tell you that you cannot take advantage of someone who wants the same things as you?”

He shook his head, his brows pulling together. “I can’t help it, that’s the way it feels to me sometimes.”

“That’s because you’re still thinking of me as your little cousin. As someone without the maturity necessary to judge for herself what she’s capable of handling. In other words, you’re not seeing me clearly.” I twisted onto my knees in front of him and took his face in my hands. “If we’re going to make this work, you need to start seeing me as just Téa. Téa, your girlfriend. Your lover. That is if I ever manage to trick you into sleeping with me.” I couldn’t help smiling a bit at the end.

We lay back in the grass, his arms around me.

“So what happened, Jaden? What changed your mind?” I was watching his face carefully, so I noticed the flash of anger in his eyes, though it passed quickly. I blinked in surprise. Anger was not what I’d been expecting.

“I didn’t ‘change my mind’,” he said, his voice low. “My mind wasn’t made up. I wanted to talk to you.” He pulled my body closer to his; his arms were hard with tension. I could feel his fist against my back.

“Please don’t run away from me again,” he said.

“Is that why you’re angry?” I asked quietly. “Because I ran?”

My face was hidden against his neck, and he pulled away and put his hand on my cheek. He waited until I looked at him before answering.

“I’m not angry at you, Téa. You know that, right?” He was frowning. My expression must have shown that I didn’t, because he sighed and stroked my face before going on. “I’m angry at myself, querida. For hurting you. For putting you in this impossible position. For not being man enough to stay away from you in the first place.”

I studied his face.

“Tell me something, my love — do you regret our time together?”

“Not one second of it.”

“Well, neither do I. I’ve been happier with you than I’ve ever been in my entire life. I can’t imagine life without you anymore. I don’t care about anything else.” I was laying bare my soul, and it scared the hell out of me, but if ever there was a time for honesty this was it.

He pressed his lips to my forehead for a long moment before locking eyes with me.

“Tell me something. Yesterday, why did you immediately assume that I was... breaking up with you?” His face tightened with pain as he said it.

“Because I’ve been feeling it, Jaden. I’ve felt your hesitation, your doubt. Your reticence. Like in the way you won’t have sex with me.” I paused, searching for words to capture my nebulous feelings. “I know it would offend your sense of honor to sleep with me if you weren’t going to stay with me... and you haven’t wanted to sleep with me.”

He opened his mouth as if to argue, then seemed to think better of it. Instead, he traced my lips with his finger, looking thoughtful.

“I’m not reticent anymore.”

I felt my eyes widen; my heart rate doubled in an instant. I had no doubt he was telling the truth.

“So, what are we waiting for?” I smiled as I pulled myself against him.

“We need to finish this conversation, for one thing,” he reminded me, but he was smiling too. His hand moved up and down my back, keeping my body glued to his.

“Which will never happen, if you keep doing that,” I assured him, my breathing already uneven.

“Oh.” He released me, and I reluctantly put a few inches between us. “All right. I’ll give you my perspective, and then... well, we can discuss what we should do.” His voice was quiet, strained. He put one arm around me again. “And no running.” The last was almost a growl.

I nodded.

“If being with you means creating a rift in our family, I can live with that — for me. But not for you, querida. You need this family. And you need them without all the drama of another feud. I’m afraid that, by choosing to be with you, I’ll be robbing you of any chance at a peaceful family environment.”

“Is that it?”

He nodded, frowning.

“Well then, I’ve already answered you. I told you I don’t care about anything more than being with you. I’ll take the risk.”

“What if you can’t live here anymore? We both know Dec’s old-fashioned... what if he gives you an ultimatum?”

“Are you telling me I’d have no place to go?”

“That’s not the problem. I would love nothing better than for you to come live with me, but what about the barn? The horses? Seth?”

I felt a pang at the mention of my brother’s name.

“Seth would want me to be happy. As for the rest... that would be hard. There’s no question that I would be sad for a while if I lost those things, but I’d adjust. But Jaden, if I lost you, I don’t know how I’d go on.”

He pulled me against him then. “You can never lose me,” he whispered in my ear. “These questions, they’re worst-case scenario. I hope we’ll never have to face them, but I wanted to make sure that you’ve thought this through. That you’ve considered the very high price you might pay to be with me.”

“You’re worth it at any price,” I murmured.

We lay quietly for a while, and he started rubbing my back again. After a few minutes, I felt the inevitable warmth rising from his touch. It reminded me of the conversation I’d had with Teri and Julia... was it only yesterday? It felt like ages ago. It seemed like such an unlikely idea that I was almost embarrassed to bring it up.

“Jaden,” I began, faltering, “you’re not trying to put off having sex with me ’til I’m eighteen, are you?” I didn’t look at him.

He didn’t answer for a moment; when I glanced at him he was watching me thoughtfully.

“I’ll admit it’s crossed my mind,” he said quietly. I tried to hide my surprise as he explained. “It might be easier for me to look Dec in the eye if I could tell him I waited until his daughter was a legal adult before I-” He hesitated.

“Jaden Foster, tell me you weren’t about to use the words ‘took’ and ‘advantage’ in that sentence,” I said severely.

“I was thinking of going with ‘defiled’, actually.” He grinned.

“It’s not funny,” I insisted, but I felt my mouth turn up a bit just the same. “You don’t really think of it that way, do you?”

“Of course not. But I’m afraid Dec might, and I want to do what I can to protect my relationship with him.”

“Okay, so if he asks we’ll tell him we waited. Which I seriously doubt will happen — he’s not going to want to know any details.”

He shook his head. “I doubt he’ll say much to you about it, Téa. I’m the one who’s going to have to answer to him.” He sounded worried.

I kissed his cheek and murmured my next words against it.

“Don’t worry, my love. It will all work out — have faith.” And I did have faith that it would, somehow. I had to.

“So we’ll tell him we waited, huh?” He gave the ghost of a grin.

“Yes... which conveniently relieves us of the burden of actually having to wait,” I pointed out, sliding my lips down to his, “because frankly, I don’t think I can make it.”

“You’re incorrigible,” he sighed. But his hand moved to capture my face, and he spent a few minutes reinforcing my point for me.