I had been thinking of Victor as I spoke and remembering how kind he had been to me, so that I had almost forgotten that David was lying beside me and I was really talking to him.
But now I suddenly felt embarrassed that he would think, as he had thought before, that I was trying to blackmail him into marriage by telling him about Victor,
It suddenly swept over me that I had been even more stupid than I had ever been in the past in telling David what had happened and showing him how idiotic I was.
I had made him realise, if he did not know it already, that I was a complete and utter failure when it came to learning about love.
He didn’t speak and I felt I knew what he was thinking and how much he despised me.
I had been right in the first place, I told myself, in being determined not to see David again until I was quite sure that I was no longer either ignorant or a bore.
Instead of which I had blurted out how I had upset two kind and charming men and I was still the silly little girl from the Vicarage who had bored and exasperated him.
Why he should ask me to marry him I had no idea, except perhaps he felt a sense of duty because I had been ill.
There was one thing which I knew I must never do and that was to accept a proposal from David simply because he felt that he ought to make it.
I loved him too much to take second best and, if nothing else, what I had been through had taught me that Love can be a two-edged weapon.
Still David didn’t speak and at last I said,
“I’ve only told you this so that you can see how hopelessly incompetent I am. I’ve tried, David, I’ve really tried to be what you want. But when it came to the point, I couldn’t let Victor make love to me. He was so kind about it – and I expect you are laughing at my stupidity – ”
I gave a sob and went on,
“That is why you must go away. I can’t see you any more – I couldn’t go through all this unhappiness again – Perhaps one day I shall manage to improve myself, but it is obviously going to take time.”
Again there was silence.
Then David said,
“Do you still love me, Samantha?”
“You know I do,” I answered. “I’ve tried to explain that I was doing all this only because I thought it would make me able to please you, but nothing seemed to go – right.”
I sighed.
“I suppose I’m just made differently from other people or else it’s because of my upbringing. I don’t know what it is – but I can’t help it! I did my very – very best and I failed – that’s all there is to it.”
The tears had come into my eyes while I was speaking and now they were running down my cheeks, but I thought David wouldn’t realise it because it was dark. I tried to keep my voice steady, but there was a sort of quiver and a break in it.
“I have a great deal to say to you, Samantha,” David said at last, “but it’s very late and I think you ought to go to sleep.”
I would have protested but he went on,
“You’ve been through a lot this evening. I can understand that seeing me was a shock and the burglar was an upset that must never happen again. Now that I’m here and no one can hurt you, I want you to close your eyes and try to sleep.”
He spoke almost coaxingly as if to a child and then he went on,
“Tomorrow I have not only so much to tell you but also something to show you.”
“To show me?” I asked.
“In the country,” he answered, “and I know you like going to the country.”
“What about the studio?”
“I’ll fix that with Bariatinsky,” he answered.
“He won’t like it if I take a day off,” I said. “I was away for so long and there is a lot of work for me to do.”
“I think he’ll understand when I speak to him,” David said.
I was rather doubtful, because I know how furious Giles can be if any of us are off work when he has special orders, but I suddenly felt too tired to argue.
I suppose David was right. What with the shock of seeing him and the burglar and the strain of telling him what had happened with Peter and Victor, it was suddenly difficult to keep my eyes open.
“Give me your hand,” David said and obediently I put out my hand in the dark.
He took it in his, then he lifted it to his lips.
“Goodnight, my darling,” he said softly.
I felt a sudden thrill run through me – it was the way David always made me feel, which no one else had ever been able to do.
It was what I had missed with Victor, when he kissed me. It was what no other man could give me!
Instinctively my fingers must have tightened on David’s.
He kissed my hand again and then he deliberately laid it down in front of me on top of the bedclothes.
“Go to sleep,” he said again.
Surprisingly, although there were so many things I wanted to think about, I obeyed him.