WEEK 28
Put the sage on your shoulder
It can be hard to know how to act without guidance. John could have used some when dealing with teenagers, who, he knew, could be a handful. Growing pains. Rebellion. It’s all part of the experience, right? But knowing this hasn’t helped John manage his son Brian’s recent troubles in school. Brian’s falling grades are concerning, but the fight Brian started with the guidance counselor today is beyond the pale. As John considers his son’s actions, his astonishment and anger rise. How can Stoicism help John with his anger and guide his reactions to his son’s behavior?
.
We can get rid of most sins, if we have a witness who stands near us when we are likely to go wrong. The soul should have someone whom it can respect—one by whose authority it may make even its inner shrine more hallowed. Happy is the man who can make others better, not merely when he is in their company, but even when he is in their thoughts! And happy also is he who can so revere a man as to calm and regulate himself by calling him to mind! One who can so revere another will soon be himself worthy of reverence. Choose therefore a Cato; or, if Cato seems too severe a model, choose some Laelius, a gentler spirit. Choose a master whose life, conversation, and soul-expressing face have satisfied you; picture him always to yourself as your protector or your pattern. For we must indeed have someone according to whom we may regulate our characters; you can never straighten that which is crooked unless you use a ruler.”
Seneca, Letters to Lucilius, 11.9–10
.
How do we learn to be more virtuous? According to the Stoics, the same way you get to Carnegie Hall: with practice. Lots of practice. It’s all well and good to understand Stoic theory at a conceptual level, as John understands that teenagehood comes with its own unique problems, but it takes real work to actually become wiser and live a more serene life. An effective technique to make the transition between theory and practice is to pick a role model and imagine that they are sitting on your shoulder, watching what you do and giving you some gentle, yet clear, feedback.
Socrates, the ancient philosopher who inspired Stoicism, said that he often heard the voice of a daimōn, an entity that kept him from doing wrong—a personification of our modern concept of conscience, if you will. The Stoics took this advice a step further and translated it into a purposeful exercise; as Seneca suggests to his friend Lucilius, choose a suitable role model to help you out. The model sage would help “straighten that which is crooked” (i.e., our own character) by use of a ruler—examples from the life of the model you choose.
A Stoic role model can be a close friend or relative, a stranger whose reputation we know from other people’s accounts, or a historical figure. They can be dead or alive, real or imaginary. As an example Seneca mentions Cato the Younger, Julius Caesar’s archenemy, who gave his life in order to keep his moral integrity. If that’s too exacting a standard, Seneca tells Lucilius, then go for a gentler soul, like Gaius Laelius Sapiens, a friend of the famous Roman general Scipio Aemilianus, to whom the orator and philosopher Cicero had previously written a treatise on friendship. But the Stoics also used legendary figures such as the mythological hero Odysseus or the demigod Heracles as role models and potential “rulers” against whom they could measure their own progress. The idea of conjuring a role model is found in other traditions as well, such as in the modern “What Would Jesus Do?” meme popular among Christians.
This week, your goal is to turn to the “sage on your shoulder” each day when you feel that you are likely to go wrong.
The first step is to choose a time at the end of each day when you can practice this exercise. As usual, this can be a specific time or after a regular activity, such as brushing your teeth at night. Write the time at night when you’ll do this practice.
Next, choose a time for the following morning when you can continue this practice each day. Write the time in the morning when you’ll continue this practice.
Now, here’s this week’s practice. You can answer these questions using the table provided on the next two pages.
- Each night, review your day and think about some area where you didn’t behave as virtuously as you may have liked. Did you get angry? Perhaps you weren’t as courageous as you would have liked? Maybe you overindulged and wished you hadn’t? Write out what aspect of your character you’d like to improve upon.
- Think about someone who would have acted as you should have in a similar situation. This person could be sage-like (e.g., Cato) or someone you admire (though they need not be a saint). They can even be a fictional character. Your model should excel in the aspect you’d like to improve. Perhaps you admire your mother’s generosity, or a friend’s patience. Write about why you admire that person and how they would behave in the situation that was difficult for you.
- Each morning, reread what you wrote the previous night, and think about how you can be more like your role model in your day ahead.
This exercise will encourage you to think about areas where you can improve as a person. When thinking about someone whose behavior you admire, you’re actively engaging with a positive role model for your own behavior. By mimicking the admirable, you’ll slowly become more admirable yourself with time.
Was the exercise useful to you? How so? Did you discover anything about yourself or your world? Did you find it useless? How might you tweak your approach to make it easier or more useful in the future? Write your impressions.
Finally, if you think this exercise is useful, bookmark this page.