They’d only been in their new flat for six months, and Zoe’s heart would still flutter when she arrived home each night. But when she came in after work one evening, her heart’s fluttering turned to pounding when she saw Jack on the sofa, his head in his hands.
‘Tough day at work? Jack?’
He didn’t move. Zoe sat down beside him, and he twisted slightly away from her. She put her head against his back. ‘Jack? What’s happened?’
After a minute, he said in a choked voice, ‘Mum’s left my dad.’
Zoe didn’t know what to say, mainly because in that moment she didn’t know who she should be cheering for. Who was the villain here? She put an arm around Jack, saying, ‘I’m so sorry. I’m really sorry, Jack.’
He twisted to put both his arms around her, crushing her to him, and she realised he was trying to keep from crying. She leant into him, rubbing his lower back and letting him squeeze her.
After a while he pulled back from her, rubbing his face with both hands.
‘What happened?’
‘Dad called. He said he’d found a letter from her saying that she couldn’t stay any longer, that she should have left a long time ago. The anniversary party’s off, obviously.’ He laughed bitterly. ‘He didn’t really want to discuss it. Understandably.’
‘Have you heard from her?’
‘She called me too. She wanted me to know that she loved me very much, and that it wasn’t anything to do with me. Like I was just a kid, or something.’ He rubbed his face again and hiccupped.
‘She said she loved you?’ Zoe suddenly realised how serious Linda must be about leaving.
Jack paused for a moment. ‘Yeah. I don’t know if she’s ever said that to me as an adult before. Maybe not even when I was little. I don’t know. Anyway, what’s she calling me for? I don’t care if she loves me. I care if she loves Dad. Why would she leave him? Why would she do that?’ He hiccupped again. ‘I thought they were happy enough. Not perfect, but no one’s relationship is perfect, is it? Do you think I should try and see her? Why would she do this?’
She kept rubbing his back, and spoke as gently as she could. ‘I don’t know, Jack. They’ve been married a long time. Maybe she just wants to live on her own for a bit.’
‘So you think it’s just a temporary thing?’
‘I don’t know. Maybe not.’
‘Why would she leave him?’
‘I don’t know, Jack. I don’t know your mum.’
‘Well clearly none of us do.’
She put her head on his shoulder again. ‘People have to make the decision that’s right for them, Jack. Maybe she just wasn’t happy. Maybe she was lonely. We don’t know what was happening in their marriage.’
‘Why wouldn’t she be happy?’
Zoe sat up and looked into Jack’s face, seeing all the hurt and betrayal and shock in it. She knew that if this were anyone else’s parents, Jack would see the absurdity of these questions. But if she imagined it was her parents splitting up, her mum who had upped and walked out, leaving only a note for her dad … She could well understand those feelings, that pain, that wish to lash out and punish someone who loved her, who she loved, who she’d trusted to stay in a happy bubble with her dad. She shook herself.
‘I don’t know, Jack. The only people who have those answers are your mum and maybe your dad. If you want to ask them that stuff, they can tell you. But I can’t, and you’ll drive yourself round the bend trying to second-guess them.’
He flopped back further on the sofa, legs spread, arms by his side, and stared ahead out him out of the window. He sighed. ‘I just don’t get it, Zo. You should have heard Dad’s voice. I’ve never … He just sounded like a wreck. I’m so worried for him. Men that age, they don’t bounce back from things like this. All on his own in that big, cold house. While she swans off to god knows where.’
‘Do you know where she’s gone?’
‘No. And I don’t care.’
‘Jack.’ She spoke gently, putting her hand on his.
He shook it off. ‘Why should I care? She chose to leave. Neither Dad nor I have any responsibility for her now. She can just live with the consequences of her actions for once.’
Zoe couldn’t imagine a time where Linda hadn’t been living with the consequences of her actions. She thought that thirty years of living with your consequences sitting silently every morning at the breakfast table might be more than most people could stand. But she also knew that she couldn’t share those thoughts with Jack, not at the moment. Maybe one day he’d see it for himself, but right now wasn’t the time to bring it up.
‘Jack? Do you really not care where she’s gone?’
‘I don’t know. She’s probably gone to my aunt’s house or something. I don’t think she’s sleeping on the street, if that’s what you’re accusing me of.’
‘Jack, I’m not accusing you of anything. Do you want me to call her? Do you want us to go to your dad’s this weekend?’
He shrugged. ‘No. Don’t call her. She doesn’t deserve us worrying about her. We can’t be running after her when she’s the one who’s done this to Dad.’
Zoe breathed slowly. ‘So shall we go and see him this weekend? Or sooner? One evening after work? I reckon I can head off early one day if you want to drive over there.’
‘No. He says he doesn’t want us worrying. That he might come over here if he needs the company.’ He sighed again, a soft hiccup in the middle. ‘Honestly, Zo, you should have heard him. He just couldn’t talk … at all.’
Zoe didn’t dwell on any thoughts of Graham’s inability to talk about anything, ever. She lay back against Jack and put an arm across his stomach. ‘I’m sorry, Jack. This is just a horrible situation for everyone.’
Jack tipped his head against hers, seemed to soften a little. ‘Well,’ he said softly, ‘it’s her fault. And we won’t ever forget it.’
Zoe hoped she wasn’t included in that we. She didn’t feel like Linda had committed the worst crime in the world. Hell, Zoe didn’t even know if she wouldn’t have done the same thing.