I was still mourning my lost bag (I’d had Esther come over and carry it off in a black bin bag, to be disposed of humanely – I couldn’t face how ravaged it was, nor the thought of finding it full of baby squirrels) as I sat hunched over my desk, pounding my keyboard with Jack-shaped rage.
The night before he’d been standing at the fridge, peering into it moodily. I watched him while I banged down a mug, boiled the kettle, slammed bread in the toaster and murderously chopped up an orange.
‘Any plans tonight?’ I eventually asked. ‘Any more of my stuff you want to wreck?’
‘Oh. Yeah. Tonnes of it. I’ve written a “To Destroy” list on my phone with some reminders to go off whenever you’re not home.’ He closed the fridge and turned around. ‘By the way, I meant to leave you a note, if I didn’t see you. I’m off to New York for a while.’
‘How long is a while?’ I didn’t sound as casual as I’d wanted.
Jack gave a bitter smile. ‘Only a week or so. Don’t get your hopes up, it’s not a permanent move. I’m heading off on Tuesday – it’s the Gillett people, they want me to see some stuff there.’
‘Oh.’ I understood. Jack’s bosses were paying him to fly to New York and hang out with the CFO, Jessica, who I’d bet my Chanel ex-handbag would be on that same trip. ‘Have a great time.’ I turned away, picked up my food.
‘Yup,’ Jack said.
‘Cool.’ I carried my breakfast to the sofa, keeping my head down. ‘Hope it’s productive.’
At my cubby in the Science office, I tried not to grind my teeth as I thought about the fun he’d be having, whisked away to New York on some kind of work jolly with the Gillett bigwigs. I didn’t even know when he was due back.
I was suddenly aware of someone standing over my desk. George. I hadn’t seen him since he’d sort-of asked me out, and although I hadn’t been avoiding him as such, his whereabouts in the office had certainly had an effect on where I chose to eat my lunch. Or whether I took a break duty. Or how long I spent looking for something under my desk.
But here he was, smiling that smile and proffering some books.
‘Zoe, hey! I hope this is ok, but … I’ve just got a couple of books that I thought you might like? I was clearing out from my move, and thought … I don’t know, if you don’t want them, that’s fine …’
Damn it. That smile.
‘Thanks! They look great.’ All I could see was Benni watching us from her office door, pretending to talk to Miks – who was also watching us out of the corner of his eye. As if it was totally normal to just bring in unrequested books you thought your colleague might happen to like, on a whim. I turned back to George, telling myself, whatever I did, not to look at his forearms. ‘Is there anything else?’
He actually blushed.
‘Yeah, actually – I was wondering if you felt like that drink, too? That we’d talked about. Maybe tonight? I know you said you didn’t fancy it before, but I just wondered if anything had changed.’
Damn it again. And it’s not like I had anything to go home for; in fact, Jack was off in New York on his own romantic break. Thinking of what Kat would advise me, I decided to take the plunge.
‘Sure. I’ve got to run a few errands after school, but do you want to just email me the place and I’ll meet you there? At seven-ish?’
He gave me that smile again, and I gave him a thumbs up like a gameshow winner. But I’d agreed to it – Kat would be delighted, having worn me down – and I’d have to actually turn up; I could hardly stand up someone in my own school. Benni was watching me strangely, so heaven knows what faces I was pulling as I imagined all this. I winked at her. She smiled at me, and Miks leant in and gave me a sarcastic thumbs up. Oh well. How bad could the whole thing be?
I decided to leave my marking for tomorrow, instead hurrying out of school to meet Esther for a coffee.
‘I can’t stay long, I’m afraid.’
‘Good to see you too, dearest sister. I can’t stay long either, I’ve got to get William to bed – but what’s your excuse?’
I laughed. ‘Kat’s finally worn me down. I’m going on a date.’
Esther’s eyes opened wide. ‘Whoah. Jesus. That soon? And is he worth it?’
‘He looks it.’ We both laughed. ‘But I’ve got no idea if he actually will be.’
Esther looked at me, suddenly serious. ‘Zoe. Are you sure you’re ready?’
I stirred milk into my coffee. ‘I don’t know. Kat says I should just get on with it.’
‘You do remember that Kat’s the one who set fire to her bedroom carpet trying to dry her nail polish with a hair dryer. I don’t think we should worry too much about what she has to say about your love life.’
‘I know. But maybe she’s right. Maybe it’s the best way to get over all this. Plus, Jack’s off on some jet-setting trip at the moment, with a woman from his work—’
‘Ah.’ Esther nodded. ‘Right. Got it.’
‘What?’ I asked. ‘It’s unrelated. Sort of.’
‘Doesn’t matter. And listen,’ she said, leaning forward over the table, her voice dropping, ‘I wanted to talk to you about Kat, anyway. I think you’re right about her. I don’t know what’s going on, but she’s acting oddly: won’t talk to any of us about her work and freaks out if I mention Chuck. I think maybe we ought to pay her office a little visit.’
‘Under what guise? We all bring boiler suits and clipboards and pretend to be checking the electrics?’
‘We’re just going to meet our sister after work. Nothing sinister.’
‘You make it sound sinister.’
‘Have it your own way. But think about it. I’d like to see her there. She won’t tell us anything of her own will, so we’ll just have to drag it out of her. Anyway, come on – drink up. You’ve got a date to get ready for.’
I dawdled in the café after Esther left. Then it was suddenly ten to seven and I knew I’d have to hurry to get to the bar on time – it was better this way, I thought, so I didn’t dwell on the whole thing too much. By the time I arrived I was sweaty, hair frizzing and my shirt sticking to my back. Just beautiful. But George greeted me with the same huge smile and fussed around me, taking my bag, getting me a seat, ordering me an ice-cold gin gimlet, asking me about my day, listening to my answers. It felt like getting into a deep, relaxing bath in a rich stranger’s home – I knew it wasn’t completely right, but I wasn’t about to give up the pleasure of it.
After only an hour, though, the overwhelming sense that the homeowner was about to return was crippling. I was almost squirming in my seat.
‘George, look, I’m sorry, I—’
He smiled. ‘It’s ok, Zoe. I know that you’re going through some stuff at the moment.’
‘Yeah, it’s …’ I screwed up my face. ‘I thought this would be ok, but … I don’t think it is yet. I’m sorry.’
He pushed the remains of my second gimlet towards me. ‘Come on, let’s finish up.’ He looked at my face. ‘It’s ok, really!’
I knocked back the last of my gin, and held out my hand. ‘Friends?’
‘Friends,’ he said, shaking it.
My sole consolation, as I rode the Tube home, was that I’d proven Kat wrong: it was way too soon for me to start dating again. And proving Kat wrong was comfort enough.
When I got back to the flat, everything was calm and dark. Thank god, I could just climb into bed in the peace and quiet and get tucked up before I really became miserable about the date.
I kicked off my shoes, headed through the bedroom to the bathroom, dropped my clothes in the laundry and climbed into bed in just my pants, thinking again just how much I loved this particular spot. Good mattress, good sheets, good duvet, goodnight. I was just falling asleep, drifting off on a cloud of gin and resolutions, when I felt a heavy hand creep across my stomach and pull me across the bed.
My murmured ‘What the—’ became a full-throated scream by the time I’d leapt out of bed, and was only magnified by a pasty figure on the other side of the bed doing exactly the same thing. It took several seconds to realise that the figure was Jack, looking just as terrified as me.
‘WHAT ARE YOU DOING?’ I roared.
‘WHAT AM I DOING? WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?’ he roared back at me, shaking.
‘I THOUGHT THERE WAS A MURDERER IN MY BED!’
‘LIKEWISE!’ We both looked at each other, semi-naked.
‘Fine, I thought you were a sexy murderer,’ Jack said, half smiling. ‘I was asleep. I thought you’d —’ His voice cracked a bit. ‘I thought you’d come back to me.’
I tried to ignore what he’d said, just snatching a blanket around me and backing towards the door.
‘What are you doing here?’
‘The meetings were moved. We’re flying out the day after tomorrow now.’ Jack’s sigh sounded just how I felt and a part of me wanted to hug him, to get back into bed and let him pull me across to him, to fall asleep curled up together.
But that wasn’t what we’d agreed. It wasn’t the path we were on now.
‘This was just a mistake. Sorry.’ I left our bedroom and shuffled in the blanket to the sofa, where last night’s pillows were still piled up. I didn’t even remember falling asleep.
At school the next day, I had emails from Kat every ten minutes, asking about last night’s date, until I finally caved in and called her at break time.
‘Well? How was it? Are you in love? Is he perfect?’ she said, before I’d even said hello.
‘It was great. Until it wasn’t.’
‘Did he try to put it—’
‘No! God, Kat. No. It just … I wasn’t ready.’
‘You wouldn’t give him a—’
‘Stop it!’
‘I’ve got tonnes of these, I can go all day.’
‘Stop it.’
‘That’s what he said. Sorry. Carry on.’
‘It was really nice. He’s a really nice person. But we’ve agreed to be friends.’
‘What a waste.’
‘It’s not a waste. He is a really nice person. And I would like him as a friend.’
‘A friend with benefits, maybe.’
‘No, no benefits. I’m not ready for benefits. I did tell you that.’
‘Fine. But I’m just going to email you over a picture of me to show him in case he’s looking for something with a little more—’
I hung up and sat back at my desk, hoping the school’s email filter would catch whatever she sent over.
I got home just after seven. I’d been so busy with Year 11’s Bunsen burner experiments that I hadn’t even considered the wall of awkwardness that would be waiting for me back at the flat. In fact, I’d spent the bus ride home trying to get Iffy on the phone – it had been months since I’d seen him – but eventually I’d just got a text back from him saying, Sorry, hard to talk at the moment, shifts at the hospital crazy. Maybe soon x
Sure. Maybe soon. I knew what that meant from Iffy. I knew that this was his tactful way of keeping me at arm’s length.
At home, Jack was cleaning the kitchen with his usual zen-like thoroughness, something I used to love watching. Now, there was nowhere to hide – the sofa directly faced the huge hatch onto our little galley kitchen, and it seemed pretty clear that the bedroom was off-limits until my bed shift came around again.
I sat on the sofa with the TV on and tried to be invisible, but eventually Jack came to a stop and, without looking at me, said, ‘So you were out late last night.’
‘Yeah, sorry again about that. I didn’t mean to wake you.’
‘By scaring the shit out of me.’
‘I honestly didn’t think you’d be there. That was hardly my fault.’
There was a silence.
‘Well, was it a good night?’
There was an even longer silence. It stretched out, then swelled up until it filled the room, and I had serious concerns that I would no longer be able to breathe.
Then I squeaked, ‘Yeah. It was fine, thanks.’ I could feel my face changing from soft copper to glowing garnet and I worried my whole head might explode.
Jack came out of the kitchen and stood between me and the TV. ‘You can just tell me, you know.’
‘Tell you what?’ Then I thought of Jessica, and their work trip abroad that he was about to enjoy. Deep breath. ‘Fine. I was out with someone from school. It’s not anything serious. But it was a guy. And … well, that’s it. You now know as much as I do.’ Apart from me telling that guy that I wasn’t ready to go any further, that is. But Jack didn’t need to know that.
‘Name?’
‘Sorry?’
‘I don’t know his name. I’m assuming you do.’
I flicked through the channels, hoping maybe Jack would get distracted and just forget his question. He stood in front of me, unmoving. ‘George.’
‘George.’
I stopped. ‘How can you say the guy’s name sarcastically? What’s the point of that?’
‘I didn’t do anything. Anyway, it’s no skin off my nose. The sooner you meet someone else, the sooner you can be out of this flat.’
Ouch. But I wondered what else I deserved. I’d started this ball rolling. It was my fault if I stood in front of it and got crushed.
I heard the bedroom door slam, and wondered if our room exits were making the plaster crumble in Upstairs Jan’s flat too. Well. What fun. And well worth the single date that wasn’t even going anywhere anyway.
I spent the rest of the night on the sofa, watching garbage on TV and trying not to think about Jack or dating or Kat’s NSFW selfies, and Jack didn’t come out again all evening. Great.