The next morning, Janelle and I help the girls roll up their sleeping bags, which is ten times harder than it should be. I have the most trouble with mine and most of the bag ends up spilling over the edge like a muffin top.
“Thanks again for coming,” I tell Janelle.
“Anytime!” she says. “It was fun. I was just OD. I would rather be sleeping under the stars then stuck in the cabin any day. I have serious FOMO. I want to try it all! See everything! Kiss everyone!”
I laugh. “Sounds fun.”
“It is,” she says. “I’m sure I’ll slow down eventually, but now’s not the time in our lives for us to be stuck in a box, you know?”
“I think I can see what you mean,” I say. We start to carry our stuff to the clearing near the water.
Gavin is sitting in a rowboat.
“Oh. Hey,” I say, feeling incredibly awkward.
“Hey.” He’s wearing his sunglasses and I can’t read his expression. Also the sun is bright so I’m squinting, which doesn’t help the awkwardness.
Silence.
Okay, then.
Does he regret what almost happened? Do I?
My head feels blurry. Cottony. I need coffee.
“Do the girls need help with their bags?” he asks.
“We’re okay,” I tell him. “Thanks.” Squint.
I hear more squealing and an “I got pee on my shoe!” and we put our stuff back in garbage bags, and then back in the rowboats.
“Come row with me, Sam!” Janelle says, and I climb into her boat.
Gavin pushes us off.
Half the girls are cranky and overtired and the other half are pretty much asleep.
“The girls in my tent all woke up having to pee in the middle of the night,” Janelle says. “I thought a bear was going to get us for sure. What a night.”
You’re telling me.
We drop off our stuff at the bunk. Talia is still in bed.
“I am so sorry,” she says, jumping up. “How did it go?”
“Fine,” I say. “Thanks for sending Janelle.”
“Was she super annoying?” she whispers.
“Not at all,” I say. “She was great. Arrived just in time.” Just, just, just in time.
“I don’t know what happened to me,” she says. “But I think the worst is over.”
We have showers first period, which we all appreciate, then drama, then Newcomb. Newcomb is basically volleyball, but you catch and throw the ball instead of volleying it. Then we have lunch washup, and lunch. Half the girls run to the Rec Hall during Rest Hour to try out for tomorrow night’s talent show, but I nap. After lunch, we have SI—swim instruction—in the lake.
Instead of going in, Talia and I sit on the dock. I can’t tell if going in the water now would wake me up or if I’m still so tired I would sink to the bottom. I’m pretty sure the latter.
I watch Gavin across the lake when I know he’s not looking. I’ve been playing a careful game of it, trying to make myself appear extremely busy when his sailboat is heading in our direction.
“Don’t stop, keep going!” Marissa tells the kids.
“Strong legs!” we hear.
“Remember to blow bubbles!”
“I can be OD tonight,” Talia says. “I owe you. Janelle wants to go back to New Beach so I’m here.”
“Don’t worry,” I tell her. “I’m so tired I’ll probably stay in anyway. But can you make sure the girls get Milk and Cookies and get to art? I’ll meet you at the A and C. I want to try and call Eli.”
More like, I desperately need to call Eli.
“No problemo,” she says.
As soon as the girls are out of the lake and drying off, I speed-walk to get my phone and then run to the office.
I’m so glad I didn’t do anything last night. So glad. I was being incredibly dumb. I have an amazing boyfriend! Who I love! Who loves me! Why would I almost throw it away for a stupid summer hookup? That was moronic!
My fingers ache to text Eli. To say hi. To make contact. I need to hear his voice. I open the office door, and then call him with one hand and wave to Eric with the other.
“Hey, Beautiful!” Eli says.
Ah. His voice. “Hi!”
“It’s you!” he says.
“It’s me! I miss you!” I sit down on the edge of the well-worn gray couch.
“I miss you, too!” he says. “How are you?”
“I’m okay,” I say, but I feel like a fraud.
A huge thing happened. Even if nothing actually happened.
And I’m not going to tell him.
“How was your camping trip?” he asks.
He knows? Oh, right, I told him. “Oh. It was fine.” I tell him about the rowboat and the already set up tents and rolling up the sleeping bags. I don’t tell him about who rowed the boat or cooked the food. He doesn’t ask. Maybe he thinks it was me. “Where are you?” I ask, changing the subject.
“Prague!”
I laugh. “No way! My camper is named Prague!”
“That’s a strange name for a kid,” he says.
“It fits her,” I say. “So what are you doing in Prague?”
He tells me about the hostel and the synagogue they went to see, which is one of the oldest synagogues in Europe.
Eric taps me on the shoulder. “Um, Sam? I have to call the next period.”
Eli’s in the middle of a sentence.
“Eli? Shoot, I gotta go.”
“Again? Come on! What’s so important?”
Really?
“I have to get back to the kids.”
“You can’t wait a minute?” he asks, sounding annoyed.
“No,” I snap. Does he think camp runs on my schedule? “Can I call you tomorrow?”
“Might be on the train, but I’m not sure. You can try.”
Oh, gee, thanks.
Neither of us says anything. “Love you,” I say.
“You too.”
I end the call.
I run right into Gavin, Botts, Jill, and Josh on my way to art. They’re standing at the top of the beach laughing about something.
“Hey there, Rosenspan!” Botts says. “Are you sneaking off to call your boyfriend in the middle of the day?”
My cheeks heat up. Crap. Now the head counselors are going to think I’m blowing off my bunk. Plus Gavin knows I went to call Eli. Which isn’t necessarily bad, but he’s looking at the ground instead of looking at me, so maybe it is?
“Sorry,” I say. “I don’t normally call him in the middle of the day, but—”
“You were on your overnight,” Jill says. “I get it. He’s in Europe, correct? And I heard Talia . . . did not like the hot dogs.”
“I heard they did not like her,” Botts says.
They all laugh. Word really does travel fast. She would be mortified if she knew.
“We need to work on your cooking, Gav,” Botts says.
“Apparently,” he says.
“Did you guys have fun?” Josh asks.
“Um . . . me and Gavin?” I yelp.
“I meant your bunk,” Botts says.
“Oh, right,” I say, cheeks on fire. “Yes. We had a great time.”
Gavin looks back down at the ground.
“I have to get to art,” I say quickly. “The lanyards are not going to butterfly stitch themselves.”
They all laugh.
I hurry up the hill without looking back.
Gavin and I don’t talk to each other for the rest of the day. I’m not sure how we manage it. Or why. Are we purposefully ignoring each other? We might be.
That night he walks by my table holding a tray of spaghetti, but does not look up. Is he afraid of spilling the spaghetti? Or is he pretending not to see me?
We sit at opposite ends of the Rec Hall during Jeopardy.
He waves. I wave back.
Neither of us approaches the other.
What is happening? I don’t know. Do I want to never talk to him again? Do I want to make out with him? Do I want to just be friends? I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know!
We’ll have to talk eventually. We’re not going to not speak for the rest of the summer.
Unless that’s his plan. To not speak to me for the rest of the summer.
At breakfast on Monday, I notice the head staff all whispering to each other.
“Did something happen?” I ask Talia, and motion to their table with my chin.
She squeezes a drop of hand sanitizer on her hands, rubs it in, and then looks their way.
“I bet it’s color war,” she says to me. “Maybe the break is tonight after the talent show.”
Ah. Color war. Basically the Olympics for campers. They divide up the camp into three teams, each with a color, and we do activities against each other for two days. They try to announce color war—or break it—by surprising the kids with the announcement.
Two captains are chosen per team.
It’s an honor to be chosen. Being a captain means that you’re not only a great counselor, but well-liked by all the head staff.
If they chose me, it would mean that I’m actually good at this education thing even if camp isn’t the same as school. And that I’m competent, even if Eli teases me about getting lost or forgetting my keys. It would mean that everyone likes me.
It seems dumb to get excited about being chosen to do extra work, but I suddenly want to be chosen as captain very, very badly.
By the time the talent show starts Monday night, there’s a lot of buzz about color war breaking at some point tonight.
I try to ignore it and focus on the show. Fancy is in it. She was the only girl in our bunk to make it in. I heard her practice in the bunk, but as she sings “Roar” by Katy Perry, it makes me tear up. She’s that good.
I take a million pictures and a video and plan to send it to her mom. Which is probably a mistake, but it’s too cute not to forward.
During the last number, a juggling act by Botts, all the lights in the Rec Hall go off.
People scream.
Power failure?
Then the lights start to flicker.
A camper yells out, “Color war!”
Then everyone starts chanting, “Color war! Color war!”
Botts takes the microphone. “Everyone please proceed to the tennis courts!”
“They’re breaking it! Told ya,” Talia says to me.
The kids are all jangly with excitement, and we lead them out the side door and to the tennis courts.
“Red. Blue. Yellow. It’s color war!” the head staff scream out together. Red, blue, and yellow spotlights turn on and dance across the tennis courts. Red, blue, and yellow firecrackers blaze across the sky.
Everyone cheers.
The head staff talk about the history of color war, making it sound as epic as possible to get the kids excited. Not that they need to try that hard—the kids are pretty excited. Two full days of competitions! Three teams! One winner!
I search the crowd for Gavin. I spot him to my right, the next bunk over, arm around one of his campers.
Aw, he’s so cute.
But why is he not looking at me? We still haven’t spoken since the overnight. Is he not thinking about me at all? Two days ago we almost made out and now he is totally over me? Is that even possible?
Why do I even care if he looks at me? I don’t want to cheat on my boyfriend! I love my boyfriend!
“And now it’s time to announce the captains of the yellow team,” Priya says.
My head snaps back to the head staff.
“The captains are Brody Friedman and Ilana Morris!”
Everyone cheers. I cheer too, trying not to look at all disappointed.
“I hope we’re on the same team!” Slugger says to Em.
The two captains run to join the center of the circle.
Danish takes the mic. “And the captains of the red team are: Benji Rhee and Audrey Goodman!”
Yay for Smokin’ Hot Benji. Boo for me.
Only one more chance.
Maybe they didn’t pick me at all. Maybe I’m not really that good of a counselor. Maybe Josh and Danish actually were annoyed that I was calling Eli in the middle of the day. Maybe no one even likes me. Not Gavin, not Talia, not Danish. Maybe when I’m not in the room, they all laugh about me and call me Porny.
Botts takes the mic. “And the captains of the blue team are: Gavin Lawblau and Sam Rosenspan!”
It’s me! YES! Hooray! They called my name! AND GAVIN’S! Now we will run into each other’s arms and make out immediately!
No, no, no.
We will not make out immediately. We will not make out at all. I have. A freakin’. Boyfriend! What is wrong with me?
I slowly turn to catch Gavin’s expression. He smiles and shrugs. I smile and shrug back.
I AM CAPTAIN WITH GAVIN OMIGOD OMIGOD.
We both run up into the center of the court. Everyone cheers.
“Sam and Gav! Sam and Gav! Sam and Gav!”
It has a nice ring to it, though, doesn’t it?
After they read out the lists of campers on all our teams and the kids are all sent to Milk and Cookies, the head staff ask the six captains to stay behind.
“Ready for this, Sam?” Gavin asks, lazily putting his arm around my shoulders. His touch makes me freeze.
“Yup,” I say.
He is touching me, he is touching me.
“You looked shocked,” Priya says to me.
“I am.” He is still touching me.
I need Gavin to stop touching me or I am going to make out with him, and I really don’t think I should make out with someone who is not my boyfriend.
I take a step away from him so his arm slides off.
“You really didn’t know we were going to choose you?” Priya asks me, an eyebrow perfectly arched. “You’re such an obvious favorite.”
Favorite? I am a favorite? An obvious favorite? “I hoped but I didn’t know.”
“Of course they were going to choose you,” Gavin says, smiling at me. “You’re a killer counselor. And you look good in blue.”
My cheeks heat up. He’s still flirting with me!
“So, you know the rules?” Botts says. “Try not to make the kids in your bunk who aren’t on your teams feel bad. You still have to help put them to bed, and you still have to do OD if no one will switch with you. But your curfew is waived for the next two days. For organizational purposes only, you’re allowed in boys’ or girls’ cabins. You should spend tonight coming up with a few cheers for the morning, and giving jobs to the staff members on your team. And as always, the winning captains get a five-hundred-dollar bonus.”
“Really?” I say. “Fun!”
“Yes. Added incentive. Go, captains!”
“I have OD,” I tell Gavin when we disperse. The colored spotlights all turn off and we’re standing in the dark.
“That’s fine. I’ll come to your bunk. We’ll hash it all out.”
“My bunk?”
“Yeah.”
Oh boy. Gavin. In my bunk. I clear my throat. “I . . .”
“About . . .”
We both stop.
We both laugh.
“We got a little carried away the other night,” I say.
“Yes,” he says.
“But I love Eli and you love Kat and neither of us wants to do anything dumb,” I say.
“We don’t?” he asks.
“We don’t,” I say.
“We don’t,” he repeats with a crooked smile.
Oh, boy. “Okay,” I say. “Good. We’re on the same page.”
“Kind of,” he says. “But if that’s what you want . . .”
“It’s what I want,” I say quickly. “I think.”
He smiles again. “Then okay.”
Everyone congratulates me at Milk and Cookies. I love every second of it.
“Yes! You’re on my team!” Janelle says, high-fiving me as we walk back to our cabin. “Oh, captain, my captain! This is going to be amazing! I am totally going to paint my face blue,” Janelle says.
I am not painting my face blue. “Come on, girls, into bed!” I yell out as I step into the bunk.
“You’re my captain!” Shira and Lily tell me, giving me hugs.
“I wish I was on the blue team!” Fancy says. “This sucks. I don’t want to be red!”
“Lis is on your team,” I say.
“But she’s not the captain,” Fancy says with a pout. “You’re the captain.”
“No color war in the bunk,” Prague says. “Right, Sam?”
“Absolutely. And it’s only two days, Fancy. Then everything will go back to normal. Do you guys all have clothes for tomorrow?”
“Remember, guys,” Lis calls out, “everyone can also wear black and white.”
“Who wants to trade yellow and red clothes?” one of them calls out.
It’s a frantic swap meet for the next ten minutes. After they’re settled, and after Janelle and Lis and Talia all go out for the night, I hear steps on the front porch and then a soft knock on the front door, and then it opens.
“Sam?” Gavin calls.
“In here,” I say from the counselors’ room. My heart is beating hard, but I try to keep calm. He is here for color war, that’s all. Nothing is going to happen. This is work. We have to work.
He pushes back the sheet doorway. “Ready?”
“Let’s do this,” I say. I pull out the clipboard the organizers handed me on the tennis courts. I’m sitting on my bed, cross-legged.
He sits on Janelle’s bed across from me and leans his head back against the wall.
“So, what are you thinking for the first cheer?” I ask.
“B-L-U-E, blue team on to victory,” he says in a dry voice.
“That’ll be our morning cheer,” I tell him. “Well, look at that. We’re half done. We’ve practically won.”
“So this is where you live,” he says, looking around our room. “Lis and Talia are in there?”
“Yup.”
“No pictures of your boyfriend?”
I shake my head. “I forgot to print them out before I left. Do you have pictures up?”
He nods.
We’re both quiet. I don’t want to talk about Eli or Kat. “I have a list of all the staff on our team and all the big jobs. Should we go through it?” I scan the paper. On the final night of color war, all the camp sections have to perform. The seniors do a skit. The inters do a dance. The juniors do a cheer. The CITs do a magic act. Each team does a song. We have to choose a staff member on our team who can lead them.
“Let’s start with the senior skit,” he says. “Allie’s on our team. And she wrote it last year. It was funny. We can ask her to do it again. The performance is worth twenty points.”
“Great,” I say. “What about the team song?”
“We have Trevor. And he always has his guitar out.”
“The basketball teacher?”
“Yes.
“Perfect.”
“Junior cheer? That’s only worth fifteen points.”
“Janelle?” we both say at the same time.
“Done.”
We pick counselors to do the inter dance, and the CIT magic act, and by the time we’re finished, Talia and Lis are back, with Janelle close behind.
“Janelle! You up for the junior cheer?” I ask.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about, but I am up for anything my lovely leaders need me for!”
“You are a rock star,” I tell her, writing her name in.
Lis nibbles on her thumbnail. “Argh, Talia and I both have to write our junior cheers too.”
“We’ll have the cheeriest bunk in camp,” I say.
“Should we talk to everyone else?” Gavin asks. “Give them their assignments?”
“Sure. Let’s do it,” I say.
I grab a thick sweatshirt, stuff my feet into my shoes, and meet him on the porch. It’s cold out.
“Wait! We forgot about the plaque,” he says. Every year, every team has to paint a plaque. They’re about the size of a laptop, and have to list the captains, the camper captains, and the organizers. Then they’re hung in the dining hall. The best one gets ten points.
“Do we have anyone good?” I ask.
“Yellow will win it since Brody’s the captain,” he says. “But we have the pottery teacher. I bet she can draw.”
“But isn’t it supposed to be done by campers?”
“Suuuuuure. Campers.” He turns to me. “I kind of want to win this thing. I know it’s fun just to compete, blah, blah, blah, but—”
“Oh, we’re winning this thing,” I say. “Or we’ll die trying.”
Back in the bunk, I wash my face and then get into bed, smiling.
I am color war captain! Me! Porny! Zoe Buckman would DIE of jealousy. HA!
And Gavin and I kept it totally professional! There was no inappropriate touching or stares or anything! Even though I told him nothing could happen between us, we are united in our pursuit of victory on a FRIENDS-ONLY BASIS and we can hang out and be together all the time—but just as friends. I am so glad he is my super-hot-only-a-friend person who I have to do everything with for the next two days while I am faithful to my boyfriend even though my boyfriend was a tiny bit jerky on the phone but it’s fine, because I made things clear with Gavin, and I am a very trustworthy, reliable individual.
Yeah.
The next day is intense. Instead of lining up at flagpole with our bunks, we line up with our teams. In the Dining Hall, we sit with our teams instead of our bunks.
I sit next to Gavin. He winks at me. Not the most professional, but friendly. I decide I’ll allow it.
I imagine putting my hand on his knee under the table. What? No. Brain, stop imagining things like that. Stay focused. Eli is boyfriend. Gavin is co-captain. Hands to myself. I get coffee instead.
After calling freeze, Gavin says, “We should do a cheer.”
“Right now?”
“Yup. Which one?”
“Um . . .”
It dawns on me that I am captain. For real. That means I have to get up and lead these people. Leading a bunk is one thing, but there are sixty people on my team. Whether or not we win—it’s up to me. And Gavin. I take a deep breath.
“Let’s do something everyone knows,” I tell him, and stand up on the bench. “Maybe blue team, you’ve got the spirit?”
“Great. Blue team, stand up!” Gavin yells, and stands up beside me on the bench.
Everyone stands up. Just like that.
The bench wobbles underneath us. I grab his arm for balance.
“One. Two. Three,” I say, and then together we yell, “Blue team!”
“Blue team,” they all yell back.
“We’ve got the spirit,” I call out.
“We’ve got the spirit,” they reply.
“Blue team!” we yell again.
“Blue team!” they repeat.
“Come on, let’s hear it!”
“Come on, let’s hear it!”
Then together we all yell, “Na, na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na . . .”
We do the whole thing one more time and then start screaming, “B-L-U-E, blue team on to victory!”
Then we cheer loudly and sit down.
The yellow team and then the red team scramble to do a cheer next.
After breakfast, we send everyone back to the bunk for a quick cleanup.
Gavin and I head to the picnic tables for a catch-up.
“We need some way to get them quiet, too,” I say, sitting right on the tabletop. “What about if we yell something and they yell it back and then they’re quiet?”
“Like what?” he asks, sitting on the bench below me.
“Something that makes sense? What’s blue?”
“The water? The sky?” He smiles. “Your eyes?”
I laugh. “You’re making it difficult to be professional here!”
He smiles again. “Am I?”
Oh brother. “Yes! We need something besides my eyes. Blue ribbon?”
He smiles. “Blue balls?”
“No! Gavin!”
“What?” He laughs. “It’s funny because it’s true.”
“I do not want to hear about your balls! First of all, they are not my responsibility. Deal with your own balls. And second of all, you’re the one with pictures of your girlfriend all over the wall of your bunk. We agreed.”
“Okay. I won’t talk about my balls. That was terrible. I’m sorry. I was trying to be funny. To, like, acknowledge the elephant in the room, I guess.”
“Yeah,” I say. “I get it.”
“Honestly, guys talk about their balls all the time when girls aren’t there. JJ talks about his balls. Muffs talks about his balls. Eric talks about his balls. It’s balls all the time in our cabin.”
I laugh. “Be good.”
“I’m just putting it in context. But from now on, polite conversation only,” he says.
“Thank you. We are behaving ourselves,” I say.
“But your eyes are really pretty,” he says. “I meant that.”
“Blue ribbon it is,” I say.
Ten minutes later, we march the kids to Upper Field for opening ceremonies.
Once everyone is there, each section competes in a tug-of-war and an egg toss. We win some, we lose some. We lose the staff tug-of-war. The yellow team has the Tank, the wrestling coach. He is not called the Tank for nothing.
We do the blue team chants and cheers again. Gavin and I scream in front of the campers at the top of our lungs.
“I am totally going to lose my voice,” I say.
“We’re light! We’re bright! We’re going to win this fight!” the yellow team yells.
“Yellow looks like pee!” one of the kids yells.
“We’re red! You’re dead!” the red team screams.
“Blue moon!” two of the senior boys from our team yell, and then pull down their sweatpants and moon everyone across from them.
The campers howl with laughter.
Crap. The judges are not going to like that.
“Ten points from the blue team!” Priya yells. “Keep your pants on, ladies and gentlemen!”
Fair enough.
Janelle offers to put two blue lines on our cheeks like we’re football players. I accept. Gavin passes.
“Too cool?” I ask.
“Yes,” he says.
“Not me!” I cry. “I’m all in.”
After the opening ceremonies are done, the kids are broken up by section. Junior girls have gaga ball, junior boys have soccer, inter girls have boating races, and so on and so on.
Gaga ball is basically dodgeball but played in a circular pit, and we check on them first. Blue team wins both games. Woot!
While the kids have more competitions throughout the day, Gavin and I run through the camp cheering them on and checking on the staff who are working on the big-ticket items like the song, skit, cheer, and dance. The song needs to be done by three o’clock so we can start teaching it to the kids. Last period is a team-wide practice.
Ours is pretty good—it’s to the tune of Lady Gaga—not to be confused with the game gaga—and Bradley Cooper’s song “Shallow.”
Basically the counselors just change the words so that it sounds like it’s about camp. We go into Bunk 10 to hear it.
Trevor takes out his guitar and starts strumming and singing all the lyrics about camp and summer and friendship and home.
“Great,” I say when he’s done. Hopefully it’ll do.
We go to visit Janelle next. Her cheer is actually adorable. It’s to the tune of “Blue Suede Shoes.”
“I got you, girl!” she says.
We check on the dance team and the skit team. The dance team hasn’t picked a song yet, and the skit team only has two lines so far, but they promise us that they’ll finish it by end of day.
By midnight, Gavin and I are giddy with exhaustion. We kicked ass all day. We both nailed the counselor hunt—I hid in a cupboard in the A&C and he hid behind the curtain in the Rec Hall. Every time a counselor got found, Eric announced it over the intercom like we were in the Hunger Games. Regular counselors were worth five points to whatever team caught them. Captains were worth twenty.
Neither Gavin or I got found.
“I think we’re in good shape,” he says when we’re outside my bunk. “The relay race is going to be hardcore.”
The relay race involves every camper and takes about two hours. It starts at the office, with three seniors, one per team, running across camp. Then the sticks are passed to teams of kids who do various relay activities like sort a bowl of Froot Loops by colors, make a bed, or canoe across the lake. Eventually, the last camper runs to the beach, where she hands the baton to the staff in charge of making the bonfire. When they get the baton, they start the fire. About five feet in the air, a rope stretches above each fire. The first fire to burn through the rope wins the relay race.
“I’m going to run the whole thing, with the kids,” he says.
“If you’re up for it,” I say.
“No problem,” he says.
“I’ll make sure everything is set,” I say. “So that’s it? Day one is done? Do you think we’re in the lead?”
“We’re definitely tied with yellow at least. Beating red for sure.”
“Good,” I say. “Good night, then.”
“You too. Sweet dreams.”
“When I say sweet, you say dreams. Sweet!”
“Dreams!”
“Sweet!”
“Dreams!”
“Omigod, we’re losing it,” I say.
“We really are. Blue!”
“Balls!” I say, and giggle my way up the porch and into my bunk.
Professional enough.
The next day, I’m walking up to the lookout to check on the five inter girls who are going to be making a human pyramid when my phone rings. I’ve been secretly carrying it around with me to snap some pictures, but had not expected it to work. Why is there no service hardly anywhere in camp, but there is service in the middle of the forest? Cell service, you so crazy.
The relay is supposed to start in five minutes.
It’s Eli.
“Hello!” I say.
“Hello, Beautiful!” he says. “I was starting to worry about you! Where are you?”
“Literally in the middle of a forest. Where are you?”
“Still Prague. But leaving for Switzerland today. I was going to leave you a message. I’m so happy to hear your voice instead.”
“I can only talk for a minute—it’s color war,” I say. “I’m captain!”
“You would love it here. It’s gorgeous. How are you? Your voice sounds weird. Are you sick?”
“No, just hoarse. Lots of cheering. It’s this crazy two days of competitions. Like the Olympics. I’m head of the blue team. Which is a big deal. So I haven’t slept in two days because we’re—I’m—running the whole thing. And the relay race starts in five minutes. So I have to check on the human pyramids.” I know I’m rambling, but I can’t stop. Once again, I am not mentioning Gavin! I’m running the whole thing? Really?
“I have no idea what you just said. Was that English?”
“Kind of.”
“Last night we—”
“Attention, all campers and counselors. Attention, all campers and counselors. The relay race begins in two minutes. Two minutes until the relay race begins.”
“I’m so so so sorry, I want to hear all about everything, but I really have to go,” I say.
He sighs. “Okay. Enjoy your game.”
The way he says game rubs me the wrong way. I’m not playing Jenga. “It’s not just a game, it’s my job.”
“What?”
“It’s my job! I’m working! I am sorry I can’t talk all the time! But I’m working!”
“It’s not a real job, Sam.”
My jaw drops. “Are you kidding me? I have SMALL CHILDREN who rely on me. I’m helping them through what for a lot of them is their first time ever away from home. There’s all kinds of social and emotional learning that goes on at camp, community building, team building—it’s not just a game, Eli.”
“Okay, don’t snap at me.”
All the stress and adrenaline comes tumbling out of my mouth. “I meant it when I said I don’t get a lot of sleep here. And I’m working every second I’m awake. When I pee, I’m working. When I shower, I’m working. This color war, I have to organize huge numbers of people, and make sure the kids are happy, and working together, and deal with people being anxious and scared. I have to show them they can do it. I’m being a role model. And you never ask me about anything that’s happening here. You just make jokes about bugs and whatever. You know I want to be a teacher. You know education is important to me. And this is, like, the first time I’ve ever gotten to do anything really related to that, besides babysitting, and I’m working my butt off, and you just call it a game.”
“Isn’t it a game, though? Color war?”
“Yes, but—” Suddenly, I don’t feel like making him try to understand. “I have to go. The race is about to start and I need to win. I’m sorry. I love you. I’ll try you tomorrow.”
“Sure,” he says, and I can hear the edge in his voice. “If you’re not too busy.”
I hang up as fast as I can, pissed off. If I’m not too busy? Seriously? After all that?
Screw him.
And just like that, bam, I’m back in the game, and Eli is on the other side of the world.
Canoe racing!
Human pyramids!
Froop Loop sorting!
Gavin runs alongside the kids the entire time. At some point he takes off his shirt.
I am not the only counselor staring. I catch all the CIT girls making googly eyes. Just like when we were kids.
I run beside him. I do not take off my shirt.
Blue team gets to the beach first! Woot! We start our bonfire. But the yellow team is right behind us! Unfortunately the Tank is not only a killer at tug-of-war, he is also great at bonfires.
Gavin is in the thick of the smoke with the other staff working on the fire, while I am getting the kids to cheer them on.
“Burn, baby, burn! Burn, baby, burn!”
“B-L-U-E, blue team on to victory!”
“Blue team for the win!”
Suddenly the yellow team and ours are tied. Both of our fires are burning and the ropes are turning black. Which will break first?
Their fire goes sky high.
Their rope breaks in half.
“The yellow team wins!” Josh yells.
Crap. Crap crap crap.
The yellow team is all cheers.
I look at Gavin. We both make a face.
My whole team looks sad.
“It’s all right, it’s okay, we’ll still beat you, anyway!” Janelle shouts. She motions to the juniors to sing along. “It’s all right, it’s okay, we’ll still beat you, anyway!”
I try to shrug off the disappointment and join her cheer.
We spend the rest of the day practicing for the finale tonight. We teach the kids the song, we check on the senior skit, the junior cheer, the CIT magic act, and the inter dance. Our skit is funny and our juniors are adorable, although teaching them the cheer is hard since the seven-year-olds can barely read. The inter dance is a hot mess. The blue team got the best inter campers on their team according to the staff, and our CIT magic show does not seem that magical. Our song is good. It could be great. It would be great. If we were not so off-key.
Gavin and I, on the other hand, are very on-key.
Instead of splitting up, we run from the beach to the dining hall together. He holds the walkie-talkie, I hold the clipboard.
We overhear the red team’s junior song on Lower Field and share a look that says, Ours is soooo much better.
“Don’t forget your water bottles!” I call out to the kids. “And your—”
“Hats!” he finishes.
We are exhausted. We are a team. We are delirious.
We push through the day until eight o’clock, when the whole camp heads to the Rec Hall.
Everyone is abuzz. Everyone is wearing their colors. We are in second place but it’s all about tonight.
“Okay, everyone, quiet!” Botts says. We all scream our quiet-down cheers.
“Red!”
“Hot!” the kids yell back.
“Blue!” we yell.
“Ribbon!” our kids yell back.
And finally:
“Mellow!”
“Yellow!”
First up is the junior cheer. Which is pretty much just a song, but cheered. The yellow team goes first. Even though it’s the opposing team, I can’t help but think the kids are adorable. Especially Prague and Em. They sing a version of “Here Comes the Sun.” Their noses are painted yellow. There are lots of jazz hands. Everyone oohs and aahs.
Talia does the movements in front to help the kids along. It is seriously cute.
Next come our juniors! They sing—and by sing I mean scream—the words to the first minute of “Blue Suede Shoes.” It is super cute and short, and involves kicking their feet up and spinning. Lily does three perfect cartwheels across the stage. We totally won this one. Janelle killed it.
I am so proud I feel like bursting.
I wrap my arms around Janelle. “You are THE BEST.”
“Of course I am!” she says back.
Next up are the inter dances, which we for sure lose, and then the senior skits. Finally, it’s time for the team song.
We’re last.
“Let’s do this!” Gavin cries.
We pile onto the stage. We wait for the first few notes of “Shallow” on the piano. One. Two. Three.
The juniors sing, the inters sing, the seniors sing, and we all sing our hearts out. We sing about best friends, and time going too fast, and blue skies.
On the final chorus, my eyes fill with tears.
“We’ll miss the days, we’ll miss the nights.
Here we’re not alone
So much we share, we’ll see you next year
Blue Springs is our home.”
Cheesy, yes. But so good. This summer is the best. Camp is the best.
Why did I miss so many years of it? Because of one mean girl? I wish I could tell my eleven-year-old self what I know now. A nickname is just a nickname. You don’t have to let it define you, or run away from it either. It’s not you—it’s her. Stay strong. There are true friends out there. Find them. Focus on them.
And I know that even though I can’t tell my eleven-year-old self that, I can tell my campers that. I can show them. I am showing them.
Time does go so fast.
It feels like I just got here, but on the other hand, like I’ve been here forever.
After our song is done, we all cheer like crazy. Then the red team starts to cheer and the yellow team starts to cheer and everyone is stomping on their benches and on the floor and the room is alive with noise and happiness.
“B-L-U-E! Blue team on to victory! B-L-U-E! Blue team on to victory!”
“We are red! The other teams are dead!”
“Yellow! Submarine! Yellow! Submarine!”
I spot the head staff sneaking out of the room, presumably to tally the points. My watch says it’s already ten. It’s going to be a late night.
A few minutes later, Jill comes onstage and motions to us to quiet everyone down.
“Red!”
“Hot!” the kids yell back.
“Blue!” we yell.
“Ribbon!” our kids yell back.
And finally:
“Mellow!”
“Yellow!”
“All teams!” Jill calls out. “Please make your way to the pool to find out who wins!”
“The pool?” I say to Gavin. “Why?”
He shakes his head. “That doesn’t sound good.”
The teams squeeze through the doors and we all head to the pool, laughing and giddy with nerves. We congregate on the pool lawn.
“Here’s what’s going to happen,” Danish says. She is using a megaphone. “The six captains are going to stand on the edge of the pool. Six members of the head staff will stand behind them. On the count of three, the two winning captains will be pushed into the pool!”
Seriously? Everyone except for the captains cheers.
“So if we win, we lose, and if we lose, we win?” I say to Gavin as we make our way toward the pool with the other captains. I glance down at my favorite jeans and my electric-blue sweater.
“Should we all take off our shoes just in case?” Ilana asks.
“We definitely should.”
The six of us kick off our shoes and socks.
“Maybe we should just all get completely naked,” Brody says.
“There’s no way that’s happening,” Audrey says.
“I would, but it’s really cold,” Gavin says.
“You think it’s going to be warm getting out of the pool all wet?” Brody asks.
“You don’t have to worry about that,” Smokin’ Hot Benji tells him.
“Now I don’t even want to win,” I say.
“Yes we do,” Gavin says.
“Yes we do,” I agree.
“Let’s do this!” Priya says, her voice reverberating through the megaphone.
Everyone cheers.
“Step back, guys!” Jill says.
The six of us all stand by the deep end of the water.
Danish stands behind me.
Botts stands behind Gavin.
“Tell me somebody brought towels,” I say.
“That would have been smart,” Priya says. “Unfortunately, we did not.”
Botts takes the megaphone. “And the winner . . . of this year’s color war . . . is . . .”
My heart races. I have never been pushed into a pool! I want to be pushed into the pool! I want to win! I will be very disappointed if I don’t get pushed into the pool!
But I also don’t really want to get wet.
“. . . The BLUE TEAM!”
I feel Danish’s hands on my back and the next thing I know I’m falling face-first into the water. And it’s cold! Ah! Actually, it’s warm, but it’s still shocking. But this means I won! I won color war! I am the best captain ever!
I pop up from under the surface and hear the deafening cheers from my team outside and then Gavin is hugging me and screaming, “We won! We did it!”
“We did it!” I scream, trying not to be pulled under.
The other captains jump in too.
Gavin pulls me close and I feel the water on his skin, and his breath on my neck.
We hold on to each other way longer than we should.
Janelle brings me extra clothes, so after the kids go to a super late Milk and Cookies, the other captains, Gavin, and I take turns using the pool showers.
Gavin is in the one next to me.
On the other side of this curtain, Gavin is naked. Naked, naked, naked Gavin.
Naked, soapy Gavin.
Keep it professional.
Professional, naked, soapy Gavin.
“Can we get some food?” Audrey says afterward. “I’m starving.”
“Me too,” Gavin says.
“It’s already eleven,” Benji says.
“But Jill said no curfew for any of us tonight,” I remind them.
“I have the keys to the kitchen,” Botts says. “And I know where the good stuff is.”
“Booze?” Gavin asks.
He shakes his head. “Ice cream sandwiches.”
Brody and Ilana head back to their bunks, but the rest of us follow Botts through camp and to the kitchen. He unlocks the door, and then turns on the light. “I’ll show you where the snacks are kept.”
We go into the cupboard and find all the cookies and snacks.
“Yessssss,” I say. “I found the black and whites! These are the best.” I bite into one. Ah. Heavenly. “Do you think I can take a glass of milk?”
“I can do better than that. Take a glass of chocolate milk,” Botts says.
“Yes, yes, yes,” I say.
Audrey laughs.
“You want?” I ask Gavin.
“Sure,” he says.
I pour us both glasses. “To us!” I say.
He clinks with me. “To . . . us,” he says.
Our eyes lock.
My heart starts to race again.
One kiss wouldn’t be the end of the world. I can kiss him one time, and then I’ll say, we can’t do this, I have a boyfriend and you have a girlfriend, and he’ll pull away and agree with me, and then we’ll laugh and shake it off, and it will be five minutes of fun (hot, smoldering fun) and then it will be over. What happens at camp does not have to affect real life.
It’s not like I would ever even see him again! He goes to school in Maryland!
He puts his arm around my shoulder. “We did it.”
“We did,” I say. I put my head on his shoulder.
“Tomorrow is going to be so weird,” Audrey says. “I’ve been running a team for two days and now I go back to dealing with just my bunk. So boring.”
“Do you like your bunk?” I ask.
“They’re assholes,” Audrey says. “Hilarious assholes. But assholes. Girls get meaner as they get older. I should have asked for juniors, but . . . I don’t want lice.”
“My girls don’t have lice!”
“Yet.” She laughs and yawns. “I need to sleep.”
“I need to lock up,” Botts says, and we all follow him out of the kitchen.
The three of them wave as they head toward Upper Field.
“Are you tired?” Gavin asks.
I am, but I’m also not. And I think the question actually means, do you want the night to be over?
I don’t.
“No,” I say. “Wired, actually. Oh, that rhymes. When I say tired, you say wired! Tired!”
“Wired?”
“Tired!”
“Wired!”
I laugh. I am giddy. I am nervous. I am charged with electricity.
“I’m not tired either,” he says. “Winning was really fun. Losing would have been a bummer.”
“But we won!”
“You won,” he says. “You were a great captain.”
“Thank you!” I say. It’s nice to be appreciated. “So were you. You ran the whole relay!”
“We were a great team.”
“Yeah,” I say. “We were.”
We’re standing on the Dining Hall porch, facing each other. The light is on overhead. “Where should we go next?” I ask. “Should we break into the art room? Eat all the art supplies?”
“I’m not sure how tasty the paint will be.”
“I bet the clay is delicious.”
Since the A&C is underneath the Dining Hall, we are there in two seconds. I sit down on the bench on the porch. Below us is the waterfront, and we can see the moon reflecting in the lake.
It’s just the two of us. Alone. I can barely breathe.
He sits down right beside me, almost touching me, and we’re both looking straight out at the lake.
“Hi,” he says.
“Hi,” I say back.
“I really want to kiss you,” he says.
“I really want to kiss you too,” I say. “But I . . .” My words trail off.
His lifts his hand and his fingers graze the top of my arm. My whole body is alive.
I should move. I should stand up. I should say, We shouldn’t do this.
He runs his thumb to the tips of my fingers.
My whole body feels like it’s going to explode.
I look up at him. His mouth is inches away from mine.
“We can kiss, but that’s it,” I say. “Okay?”
“Okay,” he says.
“Okay,” I say again and press my lips against his.
Everything explodes. He kisses me softly at first, and then his hand is on the back of my neck and pulling me into him and my hands are on his back.
I’m pulling him against me and leaning backward on the bench and now he’s on top of me. He feels so good on top of me and we’re still kissing. His tongue is soft, and I am kissing someone who is definitely not Eli. He is someone new and different and it should freak me out, but it doesn’t because it feels so good.
Now my legs are around him and I am pulling him closer and we are still kissing and I don’t want it to stop. But it has to stop. Because I am not going to have sex with him. That would be taking this too far. But wow do I wish I were wearing less clothes.
We keep kissing and kissing, and pressing our bodies against each other. Until a million hours later when my lips are raw, and we’re just lying there.
“So that happened,” he says, and I laugh, and he laughs.
“That was . . . fun,” I say.
“It was really fun,” he says.
“We should probably go back to our bunks, though,” I say. “It must be super late.”
“Yeah.” He sits up and then pulls me up too. “You okay?”
“I’m good,” I say, and I mean it. He takes my hand and we start to move back to the main road, when I stop. “Wait,” I say. “Maybe I should walk by myself? In case anyone sees me . . .” My voice trails off.
Just saying that implies a whole issue that we are going to have to talk about. No one can see us. Because we’re not supposed to be doing this.
“Ah. Okay. That makes sense. I’ll give you a two-minute lead,” he says. He leans over and gives me a soft, quick kiss on the lips.
I run the whole way.
When I get to my bunk, my heart is racing. I am not sure if it’s because of my little sprint, or what just happened. Probably both. I quietly open the front door and make my way to the bathroom. Then I sneak into the counselors’ room. Janelle is out cold. I don’t hear Lis or Talia. I take off my bra and jeans and sweatshirt, but leave on my T-shirt and get into my bed.
I can still smell him on me. I can still feel him on me. I close my eyes, thinking of him and smiling.
Danish knocks on our counselors’ room the next morning. “Morning, winner!”
My eyes open. Did I dream that? Or did I really just hardcore make out with Gavin?
I have a flash of him lying on top of me. Art porch. I feel both sick and excited.
“Sam, you can stay in bed a little while longer if the others will watch your kids,” Danish says.
“Got ’em, Sam,” Talia says. “You should sleep, champ!”
“Thanks.” I pull my covers over my head. My heart is racing, but I don’t want to get out of bed. I let them go to flagpole and pretend to be asleep.
When the bunk is quiet, I push my covers off.
What did I do? What did I do?
I get out of bed and go to the bathroom. I sit on the tiny toilet and take a deep breath.
I cheated on Eli.
Why did I cheat on Eli?
Suddenly a million questions are buzzing through my mind. Am I a terrible person? Do I have to tell Eli? Do I want to tell Eli? Do I want to break up with Eli? Do I love Eli? How could I love Eli if I made out with Gavin? Do I want to make out with Gavin again?
My head hurts.
I flush and wash my hands, and then stare at myself in the mirror. My lips look different, like they’ve been stung. Plumper. And my chin and the area around my lips is red. Like it’s been rubbed by sandpaper. Gavin should have shaved.
I wash my face to calm it down.
Since everyone is at breakfast, I take my phone with me and stand in the spot that I know has internet.
I look at my phone for the first time in almost a day.
Eli: I’m sorry about yesterday. I know this job is important to you. It’s just really hard to never talk to you! I miss you!
Eli: Did you win? I hope you won.
Eli: In Switzerland! It rained the whole day. So bored. Miss you.
His texts make me feel worse. I’m not sure what to write back. Miss you too? Miss you so much I made out with someone else? Hi! I cheated on you! Hope you’re having fun!
But let’s just put this into perspective. It was only once. Gavin and I just kissed. It’s not good, but what’s the point in telling Eli? He’ll never find out. No one else here even knows him. I can pretend it never happened. It’s not like Gavin is going to tell anyone. He’s cheating on his girlfriend too!
Hi, I write. Sorry about yesterday too. I am not sure what else to say. Oh. I won color war! The second biggest thing that happened last night.
When I’m back in the bunk, the kids are back. There is a paper plate and a croissant on my bed.
“Aw, thank you!” I say.
“You’re welcome,” Talia says. “There’s a cup of coffee on your shelf.”
“You are the best.”
“Hardly,” she says. “But we have freakin’ tennis next and I can’t do it alone.”
“I’m all yours,” I say.
“Thank goodness.”
I spend all of tennis nervous for sailing, which is second period, but it starts to pour in the middle of tennis so we all run back to the bunk. Our rain schedule says we have Games in the Bunk, which might be the best activity ever. Except for sailing, which would have been better. Maybe? Part of me doesn’t mind hiding.
I teach the girls how to play the card game Crazy Eights. I’m half paying attention, half wondering what will happen when I see Gavin again. How do I act? Do I say something? Like, “This can’t happen again”? Unless I want it to happen again. I shuffle and deal. Do I want it to happen again?
I finally see him at lunch. He’s wearing his fluorescent-yellow rain jacket, which I’ve noticed before but now makes my heart jump.
He catches my eye as soon as he walks in.
He smiles. It feels like every drop of blood in my body rushes to my face. I smile back.
One of the kids pulls him over to his table and he winks at me before following him.
I’m careful not to look at him again. I don’t want him to think I’m obsessing. Which I totally am.
Does he feel the same way I do? Maybe I’m just some random girl he can make out with. Maybe he makes out with other girls all the time. Maybe he’s made out with other counselors this summer.
Maybe he’s a total creep. Maybe I’m a total creep. Maybe he’s going to tell all the guys here that I’m a huge slut who cheats on her boyfriend. Am I huge slut who cheats on her boyfriend? I definitely cheated on my boyfriend. Why am I such an asshole?
“What the hell is up with you?” Talia asks. “I just yelled freeze and you didn’t even notice.”
“Sorry,” I say. I look around the table and see that the kids are indeed frozen. I am super spacey today.
“Hey,” Botts says, coming up beside me.
“Hey,” I say back. And then I wonder. Does he know? Would Gavin have told him? No. Maybe?
“Are you coming to my cottage again this day off?” he asks.
“Oh. When are you taking off?”
“Tomorrow night.”
“Is that okay?” I ask Talia.
“Totally,” she says. “You need a day off.”
“Great,” I say. “I’m in. Fun! Thank you for inviting me.”
I don’t ask if Gavin is coming too. But I am really, really hoping he is.
I don’t see Gavin the next day. When his table is empty at dinner, I realize he must be on his overnight.
We really need to talk about what happened. Don’t we?
I assume that I’ll get to talk to him at the cottage at least, but when I get to the office at six p.m., he’s not there. It’s just Botts and Priya and Smokin’ Hot Benji.
“I’ll drive,” Botts says.
“No Gavin?” I ask, trying to sound cucumber-cool.
“No, he’s taking tomorrow night instead. He has to go into the city.”
Why would he have to go into the city? Is he meeting someone? Who? Another girl? Or maybe it’s Kat? No, she’s still in Paris. I think. I hate that I’m even worrying about this. Why do I care? Why didn’t he tell me?
I sling my backpack over my shoulder. “I need sleep.”
“You are looking kind of tired,” Botts says.
“Hey!”
“I’m kidding. Kind of. Let’s go. You can go straight to sleep.”
I manage to stay up for a delicious dinner of steaks and baked potatoes and a dip in the hot tub.
“Who wants to watch a movie?” Botts asks.
“Me!” I say.
“Sure,” Priya says.
Smokin’ Hot Benji shrugs.
“Okay, meet me in the living room in twenty,” Botts says.
Botts turns off the outdoor lights, and the four of us go back inside.
I take a quick hot shower and put on my leggings, a bra, and a sweatshirt and head downstairs.
Botts is already making popcorn in the microwave. He’s wearing flannel pants and a Boston Red Sox T-shirt. “What do you want to watch?” he asks.
“Do you have the latest Star Wars?”
“Do I have the latest Star Wars?” he asks. “Are you kidding? I have every Star Wars! You like Star Wars?”
“Of course I do. I’m Rey for every Halloween. But I haven’t seen the latest.”
“And why were you not at the theater on opening night?”
I shrug. “Eli is not that into Star Wars.”
“So? He wouldn’t go with you?”
“He didn’t want to fight the crowd.”
“Nooooo! Opening night crowds are the best. You could have worn your Rey costume! Next time we’ll go together and I’ll dress up too.”
“As who? Darth Vader?”
“Don’t be ridiculous. Han Solo. Obviously. I have the perfect vest.”
I laugh as he sets up the movie.
I look up toward the rooms. “Do you think they’re coming down? It’s been a while.”
“Um . . .” He looks toward the room and smiles. “Possibly not?”
My eyes widen. “Priya and Smokin’ Hot Benji? No way!”
“Maybe? I don’t know. I can see it.”
“Sure,” I say. “Why not?”
My eyes start to feel heavy about halfway through the movie, so I spread out on the couch, pulling a cashmere blanket over my legs. Priya and Smokin’ Hot Benji never show so I have a lot of room. It’s a fabulous couch. A super soft couch. A couch of marshmallows.
Maybe I’ll just take a little snooze.
When I wake up, the credits are rolling and the clock on the DVR says 11:02 p.m.
“Oops,” I say.
“Don’t worry,” he laughs. “I’ll watch it again with you tomorrow. Go to bed. I’ll close up the house.”
I blow him a kiss and climb into my super luxurious bed. I text Eli that I’ll call him in the a.m. and fall fast asleep.
The next morning I wake up at eleven. I scroll through my phone first and go to Instagram. Eli’s last picture was taken in Juan-les-Pins, France. He and his cousin are on the beach together. I scroll through the comments.
Love that place! Are you going to Barcelona?
Then there’s a, Great pic! Best night!
Posted by someone named Sydney.
Who’s Sydney?
I flip over to her profile, which is public.
Her latest post was today, and it’s also in Juan-les-Pins.
And Eli, my Eli, is in the photo!
Wait, what?
Five of them are standing on the beach together! And she—this Sydney chick—is wearing a bikini!
Who is this Sydney chick?!
I scroll a few photos down and right in front of me is another picture of her, some other girl, and my Eli’s face pressed together in a picture, smiling for the camera! In Switzerland!
What the hell? Didn’t he specifically tell me that it was raining in Switzerland and that he was so bored?
He doesn’t look so bored. He doesn’t look so bored at all. He’s smiling and drinking and he looks like he’s having a great old time being so not bored in Switzerland.
And now Sydney’s in France with him too? For real, who is this girl?
Fine. Whatever. It’s not like I have a right to get mad, even if something did happen.
I look up Gavin’s profile. It takes me a few minutes to find him, but there he is.
I scroll through his pictures. He doesn’t post a lot. Although he’s in camp, and we’re not supposed to be online. But still. He hasn’t posted once all summer. His last photo was in May. It’s the one Lis showed me of him and Kat.
Part of me hates that she’s so beautiful.
But on the other hand, now it makes me feel powerful.
Being with me is worth risking his relationship with this beautiful girl.
Wow, what a seriously messed up way of thinking.
I should call Eli. I really, really, really should. I press his name.
“Hey, stranger,” he says, answering.
“Hey, stranger to you,” I say, my voice cold.
“I miss you.”
“I . . . miss you too.” I do miss him. Kind of. I’m a little mad at him, though.
“Where are you?” he asks.
“At Botts’s place. Day off. I slept in. You?”
“You spend a lot of time with this Botts character,” he says.
Ha. Botts is the one he’s jealous of? “We’re friends,” I say. “And he has a really nice house.”
Maybe it’s a good thing that he’s jealous of Botts. He won’t realize what he should really be jealous about. “Where are you?” I ask.
“In my room, too. South of France. You’re alone? Can we FaceTime?”
“Um, yeah. Sure.”
Great, now he’s going to look at me. I shake the worry off. He can’t tell. It’s not like I have hickeys on my neck. And the stubble burn has worn off.
My phone buzzes with a FaceTime video request. I accept.
“Hey, Beautiful,” he says.
“Hi,” I say, and I smile. “Look how tan you are! And scruffy!”
He laughs and touches his chin. There’s a white wall behind him. He could be literally anywhere, for all I know.
“You’re pretty tan too,” he says. “You look great.”
I smooth my hair out and sit up. I try to hold the camera so that it’s at a good angle and I don’t have a double chin.
“You’d love it here,” he says. “I wish I were in bed with you right now.”
“Eli!” I say, then I whisper, “You’re on speakerphone. I don’t know who else is in the house.” I look outside and see that everyone is at the lake.
No one is here. Should I tell him what happened? No. There’s no point in doing that. It’s so easy just to pretend it never happened. What would be the point in saying anything anyway? It was clearly a one-time thing. It built up and then it happened and now it’s done. It’s not like we slept together. We don’t even live in the same city. Gavin didn’t even tell me he was taking a day off without me! He just left!
Gavin, Gavin, Gavin.
Eli, Eli, Eli.
Sydney, Sydney, Sydney.
“So who are you in France with?” I ask.
“My cousin.”
“That’s it? Just the two of you?” I ask. I try to keep my face blank.
“And some other people I met in Switzerland.”
“Oh? Really? Where are they from?”
“Australia. And some Americans.”
Interesting that he does not mention that any of them are women. Lie by omission? I don’t press, mostly because I don’t want him to press. About anything.
He shows me his hotel room, and I show him where I’m sleeping.
“I fly in on the twenty-seventh,” he says. “Only two weeks left! Are you still okay to take a day off on the twenty-eighth?”
We coordinated the day off in advance, since it was the last day off we’re allowed to take, and his first day back. “Yes, but are you sure you’re going to want to drive all the way up to camp? I know you’ll be tired. Or I can come meet you in the city. Or I’ll be home the next week.”
“No, if that’s your last day off, then I’ll come then. We can go somewhere near camp so I get more time with you,” he says. Which is thoughtful, and selfless, and really sweet.
Except I don’t really want him anywhere near camp. Better to keep the worlds separate. But I don’t want to say anything that sounds suspicious.
“Okay,” I say. “I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
I do love him. I really do. He’s sweet and caring and, yeah, he doesn’t really appreciate my job here, but I don’t really get what he’s doing there. In two weeks we’ll be together again and then I’ll visit him in Greenwich after camp, and then we’ll be at school again and camp will be a hazy memory.
Eli is real. Gavin is a sexy mirage.
What happened with him was a one-time thing. And now it’s over.
We pull up to camp at six p.m. to see Gavin driving out.
My heart stops.
He honks twice. He’s driving someone’s car. I’m not sure whose.
Botts honks back.
I have another day without him. I’m relieved. I’m disappointed. But at least, if he’s not at camp, I can’t hook up with him.