“Do you think anybody has noticed us?” I ask. Gavin and I are at the staff party and the lights are low and a super-slow song is playing. We’re pretty much right in the middle of the dance floor, but we’re keeping our bodies a few inches apart at least.
“No,” he says. “Everyone is a little drunk, I think. And possibly high.”
There were definitely some flasks being passed around earlier, out of sight of the head staff. Also there was a definite whiff of pot, too.
“Are we going to Botts’s for our day off?” he asks.
“Sure,” I say. “That will be fun. Did he invite you?”
“Yeah. Said he would invite you, too.”
“I’m in.”
I look around to see where my co-counselors are.
Talia, JJ, and Muffs are talking in the corner. They are glaring at Brody. I guess that’s over.
Smokin’ Hot Benji has his hands up the back of Priya’s shirt.
Janelle is grinding on . . . Lawrence.
Allie’s not going to like that. Where is she? I spot her on the other side of the room whispering with Audrey, one of the color war captains.
At least I know what she’s whispering about. And it’s not me and Gavin.
OMG. “Botts is dancing with Lis,” I whisper.
“Good for him! She’s great. Maybe she’ll come on our day off too. Keep him distracted so he doesn’t figure us out.”
“Ooh, good plan.”
“I bet he’ll be visiting your cabin tonight. . . .”
“I’ll let you know,” I say. I can’t help but feel jealous. Unlike Gavin, Botts is head staff and can just visit any bunk, no problem. Plus, he’s single! But not me! If Gavin were spotted in my bunk in the middle of the night, everyone would be talking about it the next day. Allie would tell Kat. Kat would tell Eli.
We probably shouldn’t even be dancing.
We definitely shouldn’t be close dancing at least.
We have to be so vigilant.
If we don’t want people to find out.
Unless we want people to find out?
“Look at Botts and Lis,” he says.
I watch them. They’re getting closer. And closer and closer.
“They’re kissing! OMG, they’re kissing!” I whisper.
Gavin whispers in my ear, “I wish I could kiss you right here.”
“You can’t.”
“I know.”
“We’re in the middle of a staff party.”
“I know.”
“Unless we don’t care,” I say. “Do we care?”
He takes a step back and looks me in the eye. “I don’t know.”
Neither of us says anything for a minute. We continue dancing.
Lis is beside herself with excitement in the bunk after. “He kissed me! While we were dancing!”
“I saw!” I say, but my mind is still buzzing from what Gavin and I said at the staff party. That maybe we don’t care if Eli and Kat find out. What does that mean? Are we going to break up with them? Are we going to be together for real? Is that what we wanted? Did that make any sense? Camp is over in less than two weeks!
“He’s a really good kisser,” she says. “Like, amazing.”
He is? I mean, I’m not totally surprised. I bet he’d be a great boyfriend. I try to focus on Lis. “So what happens now?” I ask her. “Is he coming to the bunk later?”
Talia groans. “I need earplugs. And an eye mask. Or maybe I’ll go sleep in the cubby room.”
“Do you think Lawrence will come by?” Janelle asks.
“Him too?” Talia asks.
“Lawrence is really hot,” Lis says.
“Right?” Janelle says. “And funny!”
I hesitate. He’s a little too full of himself for me. “He rubs me the wrong way,” I say carefully.
“Hopefully he’ll rub me the right way,” Janelle says.
I snort-laugh.
I catch Talia making a vomiting motion when Janelle isn’t looking.
“Just be careful with him,” I say. “Is he really coming here tonight?”
“No, I told him I was too tired. But maybe when you’re on your day off . . . we’ll see.”
When we wake up the next morning, neither Botts nor Lawrence nor Gavin has come. I wasn’t really expecting Gavin. But Lis is heartbroken.
“Why didn’t he come?” Lis asks as she nibbles on her fingers.
“Maybe because he’s not skeezy?” I ask. “Showing up in someone’s bunk in the middle of the night is skeezy!”
“Or I’m a bad kisser,” she says. “Either or.”
I spot Botts at the picnic tables on the way back from lunch and sit beside him. “Hello there, stranger,” I say. “So what happened? We were kind of expecting a late visit.”
“Were you all waiting up with flashlights?” he asks.
“No,” I say. “But Lis may have been.”
“I don’t know,” he says. “I thought about it. But . . . she’s staff! I shouldn’t be hooking up with staff.”
I laugh and let the sun warm my face. “What are you talking about? You should be hooking up with campers?”
“No, I just mean . . . I’m kind of like her boss.”
“You are not her boss. And Priya is hooking up with Smokin’ Hot Benji! He’s not head staff either. Lis is eighteen. She’s only a year younger than you. Do you like her?”
“I do. But . . . I don’t know. I’m not in love with her or anything.”
“It’s a summer fling!”
“But I don’t want a summer fling! I want the real thing.”
“But you barely know her! You can’t be in love with her already!” I sigh. “Does this mean you’re not inviting her on our day off tomorrow?”
“I don’t know,” he says. “Maybe I should invite her? See what happens? You think I should invite her?”
“Yes,” I say sternly. “I do.”
Gavin and I make out in the gym that night after Milk and Cookies.
“So, tomorrow . . .” he says. His voice trails off.
I am lying on a foam mat. “Yeah?”
“Should we . . . stop at a drugstore?”
“Why? Are you out of conditioner?” I ask. “I am almost out of conditioner.”
I think of when I met Eli. But then shake it off.
“No, I am not. I meant . . . maybe we wanted to get other stuff.”
It takes me a second, but I realize he means condoms. “No! That’s too far! We talked about this. No sex. Remember?”
“I remember,” he says. “I was just hoping that maybe we’re over that.”
“We are not over that.”
“Okay,” he says quickly.
“That’s the line.”
He nods. “Got it. Still the line.”
“You’re okay with that being the line, right?” I ask.
“Of course I’m okay with it. I would just rather be having sex than not having sex. And since we have another day off tomorrow . . . I just thought I would bring it up. In case you really wanted to have sex but you just didn’t want to borrow one from Janelle.”
“Borrow?”
“You know what I mean.”
“I do. But see, if I asked to borrow a condom, then she would know I was having sex with someone. Someone who is not my boyfriend. And we haven’t decided that we want anyone to know yet. And I kind of think that if we did want anyone to know, we should tell our significant others first. Not that we’ve decided that.”
“All good points. Although, if you did want to borrow a condom, you could say that you were making water balloons. It’s been done.”
“Why not just use a regular balloon?” I wonder.
“Condoms are more accessible?”
“Not to us.”
“Got it. No condoms.”
“No sex. That’s our rule. Sex is bad.”
“Sex with you would not be bad,” he says.
I kiss his lips. He tastes like oatmeal cookie. “You’re right. Not physically speaking, of course.”
Botts invites Lis to come on our day off after all. At Rest Hour, she flutters around the counselors’ room debating what to pack. Which swimsuit? Which jeans? Which underwear?
I am debating the same thing. I really wish I had thought to bring at least one sexy outfit to camp. Like the black lace nightie I bought at Victoria’s Secret. But why would I have? I had not expected to dress sexy. At all.
He will probably spend most of the night in my bed. He’ll have to sneak back to his own room at some point. But still. It’s going to be the first time we spend most of the night in a bed together. We can fall asleep together. How nice will that be?
At flagpole, the two of us hike to the office. Lis is coming with me in my car. Gavin, Smokin’ Hot Benji, and Priya are going with Botts. It’s just the six of us. Couple central.
“I might throw up,” Lis tells me as she climbs into the front.
“Do you get carsick?”
“No! I’m just nervous. Do you think he’s expecting something to happen?”
“Probably,” I say. “But don’t feel pressure or anything. He won’t kick you out of the canoe.”
“Huh?”
“Never mind,” I say.
“I’m a virgin,” she says.
“Oh. Okay. I didn’t know that.”
“I’m not sure I want to have sex with him.”
“Then don’t! You barely know him. You don’t have to do anything with him. Just get to know him.”
“You don’t think he’s expecting me to have sex with him, do you?”
“No, I definitely don’t,” I say. “Botts is a good guy. And if you do decide to hook up or whatever, it’s totally fine to say that you’re not going all the way. I’ve done that.” I just did it, in fact. “Maybe don’t have too much to drink or smoke tonight if you’re nervous. And remember, I am just down the hall if you feel uncomfortable at any point.” Not that I want her interrupting me. But there’s a lock on my door. I can always make Gavin hide in the closet.
She talks and talks until we pull up outside his massive house. “Omigod, this is his cottage? Never mind sleeping with him, now I want to marry him.”
Everyone but Lis drinks at dinner. We barbecue and they make the same amazing burgers.
Gavin and I get a little tipsy.
Gavin and I get handsy when we get tipsy.
We try really hard to keep our hands off each other, but it’s hard.
His fingers trail down my back at dinner.
I rub my leg against his in the hot tub. I guess we’re legsy as well as handsy?
At midnight, when we are walking back to my room together and we are in the hallway, Gavin stops and pushes me against the wall, and we are kissing and it is so good and I’m giggling and then I hear Botts say, “Hey, Rosenspan, do you want to try watching Star—” and then his voice stops.
We look up.
Botts is staring at us.
Gavin takes a step back.
“Oh,” Botts says.
“Um,” I say.
“Well,” Gavin says.
“Okay then,” Botts says, trying to look anywhere but at us. “I was not expecting that. I’m going back to my room now.”
I feel sick. Botts saw.
He turns around and walks back to his room.
Gavin and I both stand there.
“Shit,” I say.
“Shit,” Gavin repeats.
I motion for him to follow me into my room.
“How bad is that, you think?” I ask.
Gavin is running his hands through his hair. “He won’t say anything,” Gavin says.
“To anyone?” I wonder.
“I don’t think so. I’ll ask him not to. It’s not like he knows Kat.”
“Or Eli.”
He nods. “Right.”
“But I don’t want him to tell Lis either. Or Allie. Or anyone. Do you think he thinks we’re horrible?”
“Maybe he didn’t see anything,” he says, sitting on the edge of the bed.
“He saw,” I say.
“Yeah?”
I nod. My heart is racing. Why were we making out in the middle of the hall? How dumb, how careless.
Neither of us says anything for a few minutes.
“I don’t think it’s that big of a deal,” Gavin says finally. “He’s my friend. He’s your friend.”
But there was something about the look on his face. “He seemed upset.”
“Why would he be?”
I shake my head.
Gavin takes a step closer to me. “Where were we?”
“Yeah?” I’m not sure how I’m feeling about this.
He shrugs. “Yeah?”
“I don’t know. I feel weird now.”
“The other day we weren’t even sure if we cared if anyone knew,” he says.
“I know. But now someone does. It’s different.” It’s real.
“Do you want me to go back to my room?” he asks. He puts his hand on my shoulder.
“No,” I say quickly. Everything feels a little dizzy. “Let’s just lie down for a minute.”
He lies down next to me on the double bed and puts his arm around me.
Maybe it’s not that big of a deal. Botts doesn’t know Eli. He doesn’t know Kat. He’s our friend! Maybe he’s happy for us! Wouldn’t he want his two friends to be together?
We’re quiet for two minutes until Gavin runs his hands through my hair and I feel my body responding. So Botts saw. What’s the worst thing that could happen? He announces it on Instagram? He’s not going to do that. And even if he did . . . does it really matter? Am I really going to pretend none of this happened with Eli? How would I go back to normal? And maybe I want to be with Gavin. For real.
“You okay?” Gavin asks.
I nod and my lips find his.
“I borrowed one of Janelle’s condoms,” I whisper. “Just in case.” Truthfully, I have three.
“Borrowed?”
I elbow him.
He tries again. “You did? Really?”
“Yeah. Do you want to?” I ask.
“Very much yes.”
He kisses me harder.
Botts is acting overly enthusiastic the next day, but not looking me in the eye. Does he think I’m a horrible person?
“Good morning, Sam! How did you sleep last night?” he booms from the kitchen. “We’re making French toast and turkey bacon. Are you starving?”
My cheeks burn. What’s he trying to say?
It’s not like we’re rubbing it in his face. Gavin fell asleep in my bed, but left around six in the morning to go back to his room. By the time I got up, he was already in the kitchen, making coffee. Priya’s door is still shut. She must still be asleep. I’m assuming with Smokin’ Hot Benji.
Botts can’t possibly know we had actual sex. We were very quiet. I think? As quiet as you can be during sex, I guess.
But it wasn’t just sex. It was good sex. And so different than with Eli. Not better, not worse, just different. With Eli, it’s sweet and gentle. With Gavin, it’s sexy and new.
“I slept very well, Botts, thanks for asking.”
“This is like the nicest house ever,” Lis says. “Can we just stay here the rest of the summer?”
I wonder what happened with the two of them last night. She didn’t come knocking, so hopefully all went well.
“What?” Botts asks. “And miss the Superbowl? And my kids go to the water park. The last two weeks of camp are the best.”
There are only two weeks left? I shake my head. Less than two weeks. Eleven days. The summer went fast.
If there are only eleven days left, then Eli is coming back in five days. On Sunday.
“But we can all come back for our last day off,” Botts says. “You guys in? Sunday night?”
“Maybe,” says Lis. “You in, Sam?”
“I . . .” I hesitate. The plan is that Eli is flying back to NYC on Sunday, which means that he can come up to see me for my last day off. Next Monday is the last possible day to take a day off and we coordinated it. He’ll see me and then he’ll drive back to Connecticut to see his parents for two weeks. I’ll come visit him for a week, and then I’ll spend just a few days with my parents before meeting him back in New York.
“Actually, next week I’m taking Monday/Tuesday. I already coordinated it with Danish.”
“What are you doing?” Lis asks innocently.
Botts freezes. Gavin drinks his coffee.
“I’m . . . well, Eli is coming up to see me.”
Gavin chokes.
“Oh, yay!” Lis says. “He’s coming home finally! That’s great. I can’t wait to meet him. Is he coming up to camp?”
There is no edge to her voice, and I can tell Botts didn’t say anything to her. I didn’t think he would, but good to know for sure.
Botts smirks. “Eli, huh? How is Eli? Is he enjoying his trip around the world?” He is not going to make this easy, I can tell.
“I believe he is,” I say sharply.
I look over at Gavin, who is looking at me. He fakes an extra-large smile.
Botts turns to Gavin. “And when is Kat coming back?”
“Not until the end of August.”
“I bet she’s having a great time too,” he says. “But not as great as you guys are.”
“Probably not,” I say.
“Omigod,” Lis says, pulling me into a hallway after breakfast. “What is going on?”
“What do you mean?” I ask, heart pounding.
“Why did he invite me here if he wasn’t going to make a move?”
“Oh, Botts.”
“Yes, Botts,” she says. “Nothing happened. We were sitting alone in the hot tub, and then he was like, oh, I have to go to sleep, I’m super tired. And he left! Who does that when they’re in the hot tub with a girl they’ve already kissed? But then this morning he invited me to come back. When he said come back, he meant me too, didn’t he? What do you think the deal is?”
“I honestly don’t know,” I say.
“Did I sound dumb last night or something? I didn’t drink or smoke or anything. I wanted to be completely sober. But Botts is so smart. I feel like he probably thinks I’m too dumb for him. Or too silly. Do you think I’m silly?”
“No, not at all,” I say.
“Can you find out if he likes me or what?”
“I . . .” I really don’t want to have a personal conversation about anything with Botts right now. And this is so eighth grade. “I’ll see what I can do.”
“Thank you!” Lis says. “You’re the best.”
“You guys are not going to believe what happened,” Talia says the second we get back to the bunk. Actually, the second we get back to the bunk we are swarmed by children who want the Munchkins we’ve brought back, but the second after that, Talia pulls us into the counselors’ room. She sticks her head out into the hallway to see if anyone else is around.
“What is it?” Lis asks, eyes wide. “Tell me, tell me!”
“Craziness,” she says, laughing manically. “Total craziness.”
“What?” Lis asks. “You’re killing us!”
“Janelle hooked up with Lawrence last night,” Talia whispers.
“Okay,” I say. “We were expecting that, right? Are they a thing?”
Talia shakes her head. “No, they’re not a thing! He just hooked up with her because . . . why not! She hooks up with everyone!”
“Did she tell you?” I ask. “Were they here?”
“Yes! They were here! She put up a sheet between our areas at least. But I could tell what was happening. It was way worse than with Jamon. She was super noisy and gross about it!”
“So why is this such a scandal?” I wonder. “Does Allie know?”
“Oh, she definitively knows. And she’s mad. Everyone knows. But that’s not the crazy part.” Talia’s eyes are gleaming. I cannot for the life of me figure out what she is so excited about, but it makes me feel slightly sick.
“Ready?” Talia asks.
“Just tell us,” I say.
“He asked her to”—she lowers her voice—“masturbate for him and she did and used her hairbrush!”
Lis gasps.
We all look at the purple brush that is oh so casually lying on her windowsill.
“And then he went back to his bunk and told Lenny and Max about it,” she finishes.
“How do you know?” I ask.
“Because I saw Max on the beach and he asked me if I saw it! And then he told me about it!”
“Poor Janelle,” I say. I feel sick to my stomach. Janelle trusted Lawrence. They were together, and she trusted him, and he completely betrayed her. Now the whole camp is probably talking about her.
“Poor Janelle?” Talia says. “Poor me! I had to hear the whole thing.”
I clench my fists. “I’m sorry she did it in the room when you were here, and it definitely makes me feel differently about the hairbrush, but it’s not that big a deal. Couples do stuff together when they have sex. They try things out.”
“They’re not a couple!” Lis says.
“That doesn’t make Janelle wrong for doing it,” I say. “She was sharing herself with him!”
Seriously, who cares that she masturbated in front of him? I mean, really. Who. Freaking. Cares? And so she used a brush. Big freaking deal.
People love to talk. People love to judge. But I mean, that’s what couples do. Try to please each other.
But still. This is going to be a problem for Janelle.
“How many people know?” I ask.
“It’s spreading,” Talia says. “And she is so clueless and—”
Talia’s sentence is interrupted by Janelle throwing open the sheet and bouncing inside in one of her trademark tube tops. “You’re back!” she says. “Hiiiii! How were your days off? I can smell the powdered sugar!”
We all freeze.
“Great, thanks,” Lis says quickly.
I don’t know what to do. Do I say something? But what would I say exactly? The very fact that I know is going to make her feel horrible. “It was good,” I say slowly. “How was . . .” I hesitate. “Your day?”
“Totally exhausting. We had soccer, which was a total shit show. Our girls cannot block a ball. But General Swim was fun. It was so hot that I went in.”
I nod.
Eric comes on over the loudspeaker. “Attention, all campers and counselors. Attention, all campers and counselors. It is now the end of Dinner Washup. I’m hungry. Are you hungry? Please proceed to flagpole.”
“There’s lots more, but I’ll fill you in tonight!” she says with a wink. She grabs a sweatshirt off her bed. “Let’s round up the troops!”
Talia and Lis are smirking to each other as they follow Janelle out of the cabin.
I can’t help but wonder—is there any chance that Talia was the one who told everyone? Or that she made it up? Is she pulling a Zoe Buckman?
No. She wouldn’t do that. Would she?
Gavin and I are walking to the Counselors’ Lounge after Milk and Cookies. “What’s wrong?” he asks me.
I sigh. “Did you hear about . . . what happened?”
“I did,” he says. He doesn’t even hesitate.
“I figured. She has no idea that anyone is talking about her,” I say. “I hate it.”
“He’s a jerk,” Gavin says.
“I can’t believe he told everyone. Or Talia told everyone.”
“Why would she do that?”
“Why does anyone do anything?” I ask. I hesitate. “How do we know that everyone isn’t talking about us?”
“Because I am not an asshole. And no one knows. Besides Botts. And he doesn’t know what he knows.”
“We don’t know that we’ve never been spotted. Someone could have seen something. Everyone could be gossiping about us behind our backs.”
“True. But if everyone was talking about us, we would hear it. And we could always deny it. If we wanted to. No one knows what happens between us except us.”
“I guess,” I say.
“And anyway, no one really cares. Even about this brush thing. By tomorrow everyone will be over it.”
But he’s wrong. By the next night, all the counselors in camp know. Or at least it feels like that.
Lis and Talia stand even farther away from Janelle than they normally do at flagpole. Before she was the annoying co-counselor. Now she is genuinely a leper. Allie and her friends are clearly whispering about her on the other side of the flagpole circle.
At dinner, I go to the kitchen to get the lasagna, and then sit beside Talia.
“Ugh,” Talia mutters, taking a bite of her faux–peanut butter sandwich and jutting her chin at Janelle. “She is so gross.”
“She is not gross,” I snap. “Who cares what she does?”
“Everyone.” Talia shrugs. “I’m just glad I didn’t see. My eyeballs would be scarred.”
“He’s the one who’s gross,” I say finally. “Why would he tell his friends?”
“Guys always tell their friends.”
“No, they don’t,” I say. “Not if they’re decent guys.”
“Lawrence is a jerk. She should have known he’d be a jerk.”
My head hurts. “So now it’s her fault that he’s a jerk?”
“You know what I mean,” she says with a shrug.
I don’t. And I do.
But seriously, what the hell did Janelle do wrong? Besides hooking up with a guy she thought was hot and getting intimate in her own way? He doesn’t even have a girlfriend!
“Why is he allowed to do whatever he wants but she’s the one everyone is whispering about?” I ask.
Talia laughs. “Because he’s Lawrence and she’s a weirdo.”
I help myself to a second piece of lasagna. “So if he was a weirdo, and she was . . . Allie, then everyone would be whispering about Lawrence?”
“If Lawrence pleasured himself in front of Allie with a brush, then yes.”
“Are you kidding me? Guys always have their hands down their pants,” I say. “Look at Bunk Two! Five guys have their hands down their pants right now! And we’re at a meal! We’re literally eating and boys everywhere have their hands down their pants right in the Dining Hall!”
Talia just laughs. “At least they’re not eating with their hands.”
Three boys from Bunk 2 pick up pieces of French bread. With their hands. Oops, make that four. Oh, wow, all five.
I turn to Talia and eye her meaningfully.
After the meal, Botts taps the microphone to get everyone’s attention.
“I hope everyone enjoyed their lasagna!” he says. “Do you want to hear what tonight’s activity is?”
Everyone cheers.
“It’s Ugly Counselor Night!”
Everyone cheers louder.
“What does that even mean?” I ask.
“It means the kids dress one counselor from every bunk up really ugly,” Talia says. “Guess who we’re dressing up?”
“Don’t choose Janelle,” I say.
“Why not? It’s just a game. And she’ll love it. Do you want to do it?”
Part of me wants to be a good sport and save Janelle, but I’ve been where she is, and I never want to be there again. I cannot be there again. I can’t take a chance that anyone would be laughing at me instead of with me.
Janelle is still clueless.
At Free Play, the girls dress her in rain boots and a yellow feather boa that comes from who knows where, and tease her hair and cover her face in clown makeup, giggling the whole time.
After Eric calls the activity, they lead her to the Rec Hall by the hand, while giggling hysterically. Every bunk has one poor counselor dressed up.
The whole camp is in the Rec Hall for the activity. All the Ugly Counselors wait backstage while the kids get settled.
The lights flash on and off. Here we go.
Dance music comes on, and Josh takes the microphone.
“Welcome to Ugly Counselor!” he calls out. “Who will be the ugliest of the ugliest?”
Everyone cheers.
The junior boy bunks go up first. Muffs’s face is painted purple and he is wearing a raincoat and a plunger on his head, which does not seem hygienic at all.
Danish laughs next to me on the bench.
Janelle is next.
“Next up, we have Janelle from Bunk Six!”
My girls all cheer.
Janelle prances across the stage and shimmies.
The rest of the campers start cheering as well, getting louder and louder.
“Use your brush!” I hear.
I freeze. Shit.
There are laughs throughout the senior boy section. Lawrence’s bunk.
His campers know too?
“Use your brush!” someone else calls out, and suddenly the entire back section is chanting, “Use your brush! Use your brush!”
No, no, no.
What do I do? I have to stop it. This is the worst. The worst. They could easily be chanting Porny.
I touch Danish’s arm.
Onstage, Janelle seems oblivious to the chanting. Or maybe she can’t hear over the loud music.
“We have to stop them,” I say. “The boys.”
She listens. “What are they saying?”
“They’re telling her to use her brush.”
Danish looks at Janelle and then back at me. “I don’t get it. Because her hair is messy?”
“No,” I say, putting my head down. “Because she apparently masturbated with it in front of Lawrence.”
Danish closes her eyes, looking pained. “Shit,” she says.
“Yeah.”
“And he told everyone.”
“Yeah.”
“What a fucking asshole,” she says.
I have never heard her swear, ever.
“She doesn’t know that everyone knows?” she asks.
“No,” I say.
The chanting continues. “Use your brush! Use your brush!”
“Dammit,” Danish says. She motions to Josh to move it along.
“Thank you, Janelle!” he says. “Next up, we have Bunk Five!”
Danish goes to the back of the room and I see her whispering to Priya and Botts.
“What did you say?” I ask when she comes back.
“I told them what was going on. And told him to threaten their staff that they would all be zapped with OD if any of their campers uttered anything about a damn brush again.”
The show continues. After all the counselors have their turn, they return onstage. Josh calls them out one at a time and asks for applause.
I hold my breath for Janelle. There is a lot of applause. And a lot of laughing. She turns around and shakes her butt, totally obliviously. Everyone whoops and hollers.
“Crap,” Danish says.
“At least they’re not saying anything about a brush,” I whisper back.
No one else gets as much applause as Janelle, so she is declared the winner.
“Are you going to tell her?” I ask Danish when the event is over and the kids are sent to Milk and Cookies.
She nods. “I would want to know. Wouldn’t you?”
“Yes,” I say. I would.
Danish motions for Janelle and the two of them head out of the side door. I take a deep breath and follow my kids to the Dining Hall.
Janelle and Danish don’t return to the bunk until after curfew. Lis and Talia are in the bathroom so it’s just me in the counselors’ room.
Janelle’s eyes are red, like she’s been crying. She’s still wearing her Ugly Counselor makeup, outfit, and teased hair. She sits on her bed and leans her head back against the wall.
“You okay?” I ask. I debate putting my hand on her shoulder but I leave it on my lap.
She shrugs but then shakes her head no. “I’m embarrassed. And mad. This place is . . . fucked up,” she says.
“Yeah,” I say. “It really is.”
She looks me dead in the eye. “I wish you would have told me.”
“I’m sorry,” I say quickly. “I didn’t know what to say.”
“Who told you?” she asks. “Talia?”
I nod.
She sighs. “I’m not sure why she and Lis dislike me so much.”
I don’t respond. It’s hard to explain to someone that they’re just different.
“Was what I did so wrong?” she asks.
“No, of course not. He’s the wrong one,” I say. “He’s a jerk.”
“I just didn’t expect him to . . . tell people.” Her eyes tear up. “I’m a moron.”
“You are not! There is nothing wrong with trusting someone.”
“Clearly there is,” she says.
She stands back up and strips off her clothes, wraps a towel around herself, and grabs her shower bucket.
Talia opens the curtain and she and Lis stand at the entranceway.
“You’re showering now?” Lis asks. “It’s after curfew.”
“Yeah,” Janelle says. “I don’t care.” She picks up the brush, waves it at both of them, pops it into her shower bucket, and pushes her way out the door.
“Danish told her,” I say.
Lis watches her go. “Told her what?”
“That everyone knows,” I say.
Talia nods. “Good. That should teach her a lesson.”
“Don’t be a bitch,” I say. “She shouldn’t have done it with you in the bunk, but there’s nothing wrong with hooking up with a cute guy or three. And Lawrence was a total ass to her. And tonight, the entire camp was a total ass. Her bunkmates don’t have to make it worse.”
I walk out of the counselors’ room to check on the girls and make sure they’re okay.
The next day, I walk to the office to check my messages at Rest Hour. I don’t have any from Eli. Or Fancy’s mom. She seems to have calmed down since Visiting Day.
Eli’s lack of texts is the more concerning issue. We haven’t written each other in a few days. Is he so busy traveling or is he in bed with someone else?
I have an excuse. I don’t always have Wi-Fi. But what’s his?
Last I saw, he was in Portugal. It’s his last stop. In three days he’s flying back to New York. In four days he’s coming to see me.
I check his Instagram. He doesn’t have new posts but he’s tagged in someone else’s posts. I look at them.
I see pictures of him on the beach with a group. With women in bikinis. Do women just wander around willy-nilly in Europe in bikinis? Well, not willy-nilly, I suppose. Vajayjay-nilly?
I look back at the pictures he posted.
Is he trying to tell me something?
Maybe he is. Maybe he isn’t. I can’t decide if I want him to be hooking up with someone or not.
I debate if I should write him. Yes. No.
He is cavorting with women in bikinis. He is not texting me. He is not calling me. He is definitely hooking up with them. Of course he is. He is a nineteen-year-old guy!
What if this is how we end things?
We both just stop communicating with each other? Do I want to end it? No. Maybe. Why am I hooking up with Gavin if I don’t?
I stare at my phone. I put it away. I pick up the kids’ mail and head back to camp.
Saturday afternoon is mini-golf day for the junior section.
All the juniors, and all the junior counselors who are not specialists—so, no Gavin—get onto a bus. I make sure all my kids are accounted for and grab the seat next to Danish in the front. Janelle sits in the back, and Muffs sits across from her. As usual, he is wearing his earmuffs. Janelle laughs extra loudly at something he says. How does he even hear in those things?
Lis and Talia sit together and start whispering. Danish does a quick bunk check, and away we go.
“You’re taking Monday/Tuesday?” she asks.
“Yeah. That okay?”
“Totally. It’s the last day off. Then we’re in the home stretch. I can’t believe another summer is almost over. My last one, probably.”
We hit a bump and we both jump in the seat. “Really?” I ask.
“Yeah. I finish grad school next year. And I have to get a real job, I think. What about you? Would you come back?”
“Maybe,” I say. “I had a good summer. Mostly.”
“Yeah,” she says. “Me too.”
She smiles. Then she takes out her phone, so I do the same.
I have a bunch of texts from Eli.
Sorry I’ve been MIA—weird Wi-Fi.
Sure, I think.
Then:
At airport! Land in NYC tomorrow and then driving up to see you the day after that! You can leave at 6? Will pick you up.
With a shock, I realize he’s still coming.
He never said he wasn’t. But it will be so strange to see him here. Two days. Two days until I see him.
What will I do about Gavin? Will I introduce them? Eli will expect it since he is now friends with Kat. Or sleeping with Kat. Or sleeping with Kat’s best friend. Or just friends with Kat.
Can I avoid introducing them?
Will Gavin want to meet Eli?
Or will he make himself scarce?
Should I break up with Gavin before Eli gets here?
Or will I get back with Gavin after Eli’s visit?
I think I might be a terrible person.
I put my phone down and look out the window.
Eventually, the bus pulls up in front of the mini-golf.
Danish jumps up. “Okay, girls, everyone be careful! And have fun! And stay with your groups! And be mindful of your putter. Last year a girl got hit in the head and had to go to the hospital and get stitches.”
“Ouch,” I say.
I imagine having to write Eli a note. So sorry, I can’t make it. One of the girls has to get stiches. Can’t get away, she needs me too much. Then I wouldn’t have to face him with my terrible betrayal and my lies and I wouldn’t have to decide if I love him or not and I wouldn’t have to decide if I trust him or not and I wouldn’t have to decide about Gavin, I could just be a great camp counselor and NOTHING ELSE.
Omigod, what’s wrong with me? I am fantasizing about one of my campers getting hit in the head!
I shake it off, and head out for some mini-golf and ice cream. Eli is coming to camp. And I’m going to see him.