“So today’s the big day,” Gavin says.
It’s one a.m. and he’s lying next to me in my bed, since my counselors’ room is empty. Lis and Talia have the day off. They went home together. Botts took off two days earlier. He invited Lis to come, but she told me that if he wasn’t interested in her, then she would just go home. I haven’t actually asked him about it—I’m kind of avoiding him.
Anyway, all three are gone. And Janelle took off about a half hour ago. She went to Bunk 5, I’m guessing, to see Muffs. When Gavin saw her there he headed straight here, knowing my room was empty. Now the kids are all fast asleep and the lights are off. We haven’t even kissed, but I’m lying in the crook of his arm under my covers.
“Today’s the big day,” I repeat. “He’s driving up.”
Neither of us says anything.
“Is it going to be weird?” Gavin asks.
“I don’t know. I feel weird.”
“If he’s going to try and beat me up, I would love a heads-up.”
I laugh. “He would never beat you up,” I say. “I’m not going to tell him. And he’s not that . . . passionate.”
“No?”
“No,” I say. “He’s more of an even Steven kind of guy.”
“I am not an even Steven kind of guy,” he says. “I tend to only like a few things but get kind of obsessed with them.”
“What’s Kat like?”
“She falls in love with everything,” he says.
I wonder if I’d like Kat. Ugh. I bet I would.
We talk about his dad and my dad. I tell him about how unhappy my parents are. How I never want to be stuck in a relationship that isn’t right.
We don’t talk about what I’m going to do tomorrow.
I don’t know what I’m going to do. Isn’t what’s happening with Gavin a sign that Eli isn’t the right person for me? Or is it just a sign that I’m a terrible girlfriend?
Eventually, when it’s about four a.m., I fall asleep with my head on his chest.
We wake up with the light spearing in through the sheet covering the window. It’s probably only an hour later, but it feels like a decade.
Janelle is in her bed.
I’m glad we are fully dressed. I’ll tell her we were just talking.
I shake Gavin awake. “It’s morning,” I whisper.
“Shit,” he says. “Bye.” He’s about to kiss me goodbye, but sees Janelle asleep in the bed beside us and pulls away.
He disappears out the door sheet. I hear the cabin door open and softly close and the porch creak under his footsteps.
“I wondered why his bed was empty when I was in Bunk Five,” Janelle says, flipping over to me. “Don’t worry, I didn’t see anything.”
“Nothing to see,” I say. “Nothing happened last night,” I say quickly. This time it’s not even a lie.
“No judgment,” she says. “I was in Bunk Five.”
“With Muffs?” I ask.
“No way,” she says. “I’m not getting in the middle of that triangle too, thank you very much. I was with Eric. He has really good pot.”
I push away my plate of mac and cheese. I can’t eat. I feel too nauseous.
Eli is coming, Eli is coming, Eli is coming.
“How excited are you?” Danish asks.
“Look at her. She can’t sit still,” Janelle says.
“She hasn’t seen him in six weeks!” Danish exclaims. “Where are you guys staying?”
“I don’t know,” I say. “He said he booked something.”
I pack during Rest Hour. I continue to feel slightly sick through basketball, SI, and finally General Swim. I am grateful that we don’t have sailing today.
As soon as GS is done, I think I might really throw up. And it’s not just because of Gavin. I am excited to see Eli. I really am. I’m not just telling myself that. Am I? I miss Eli. But I also like Gavin. But am I in love with Gavin? No. Maybe? I can’t wait to see Eli. I’m afraid of seeing Eli. Can he tell I cheated by looking at me? I can’t stop sweating.
I hurry the kids back to the bunk, and quickly run to the shower. Then I put on jeans and a cute top, and quickly apply eyeliner. My hand shakes, and I make myself look like a raccoon.
Get it together, I tell myself.
I fix it. There.
I take a deep breath and grab my backpack.
Ready.
I see Gavin and Botts on my way to the office. They’re standing in the middle of the road, above the beach. Of course they are.
Botts whistles. “Looking good, Rosenspan.”
“Thanks,” I say, hitching my backpack on my shoulder.
“Eli’s at the office,” he says.
I stop. “Already?”
“Yeah.” He holds up a walkie-talkie. “He just pulled up.”
Gavin raises an eyebrow. “Have fun.”
“Um. Thanks?” This is awkward for everyone.
I wave as I walk by. I want to touch Gavin, to let him know that I am thinking about him, but I don’t.
I walk fast to the office and when I am almost there I start to run.
I feel like the kids on Visiting Day.
He’s leaning against the hood of his gray rental car, and he’s wearing a blue shirt I don’t recognize with jeans I do. Did he get taller? He’s tan. His hair is longer than usual. It’s Eli, it’s Eli. My Eli.
I throw my arms around him, and he’s kissing me, and I’m kissing him, and he smells like soap. He smells like him.
My eyes prick with tears, but I’m smiling because I’m so happy to see him. “Hi.”
“Hi, Beautiful,” he says. He’s smiling too.
“You’re here,” I say.
“I am.”
“You came to see me!”
“I came to see you,” he says. “So this is camp, huh?”
“Yup.” My arms are still around his neck.
“Can I get a tour?”
“Oh! I don’t think we’re allowed.” It is probably allowed, but I already feel like my worlds are colliding. I don’t want Gavin and Eli to meet. My life might explode.
“Okay. I want to get you alone, anyway.” He takes my hand.
“Where are we going?
“Saratoga Springs!” he says. “Wait until you see the hotel. I was going to book a B&B but after I won the Monte Carlo money, everyone was teasing me that I had to get us something fancy. So I did.”
“I just have to check out,” I say. “Gimme a sec.”
I hand him my backpack and then run into the office to tell them I’m leaving.
“Your boyfriend?” Eric asks.
“Yup.”
“Have fun,” he says.
“I will,” I say, and fly out the door.
We get in the car, and Eli hits the gas, his hand on my leg.
As soon as he pulls out of camp, he pulls over onto a side road. At first I wonder why—is he going to tell me something? Ask me something?—but then he kisses me again.
We kiss for a while. He kisses differently than Gavin. His lips are softer. He’s more hesitant, sweeter.
He wouldn’t be kissing me like this if he had hooked up with someone else, would he?
Can he tell that I’ve been kissing someone else by the way I’m kissing him?
“I can’t wait to get you into bed,” he says, kissing my neck.
“To the hotel!” I say.
“Actually, I made us a dinner reservation at seven, so dinner first and then the hotel. Can you wait that long?”
“A dinner reservation? A fancy hotel? Who are you?”
He laughs. “I am romancing you!”
The restaurant is just down the street from our hotel, so we park at the hotel and head straight to eat.
The restaurant is nice—we get a table outside. Eli orders two glasses of wine, and we both casually show our fake IDs.
“The best part of Europe was not needing these,” Eli tells me when our waiter turns around.
“Were you guys just drinking the whole time?” I ask.
“There was a lot of drinking,” he admits. “It was hard keeping up with Yosef. He’s a bottomless pit.”
I want to ask about the girls I saw in the pictures. Sydney. Kat. But I don’t. I ask about Yosef. About the cities. About the museums. About everything else.
Am I just going to sleep with him and pretend that nothing’s wrong? Yes. I think I am.
The restaurant is beautiful. The food—especially after all that camp food—is really good. Eli takes my hand across the table. I am excited and nervous and happy to see him and a little tipsy and filled with guilt. I am feeling everything all at once.
“My treat,” he says. “Thank you, Monte Carlo.”
“They don’t take euros here, you know,” I tease him.
“I have a credit card, thank you very much.”
“Was Monte Carlo your favorite part of the trip?”
“Maybe,” he says. “Definitely a highlight. It was nice to feel like I was part of a group.”
He takes my hand as we walk into the hotel. We check in, giggling.
“I feel so grown-up,” I say. “We’ve never stayed in a hotel together.”
But then I realize that he has stayed in hotels—well, hostels—for the last month. So maybe it doesn’t feel so special to him.
Back in the room, we start kissing right away. There are so many feelings rushing through me. Excitement. Guilt. Confusion. Love.
“Did you bring condoms?” I ask. I could have borrowed a few more from Janelle, but I didn’t even think of it. At some point, she’s going to notice.
He nods, taking off my shirt.
We climb under the covers and we’re kissing again and it feels so good to be with him, but it also feels really good to be lying down on a clean, well-made bed.
“Let me massage your back,” he says.
I turn around and feel his hands around my shoulders and back and it feels so good. His fingers are so gentle.
And suddenly I am so tired. Really, really tired. Like exhausted. I barely slept last night and my heart has been racing all day and now I am with Eli. I had wine. Too much wine.
Soft sheets.
Tired eyes.
I’ll close them for just a second.
I open my eyes. The hotel room is bright. It’s morning. It takes me a few seconds to process what happened. Eli was giving me a back massage and I fell asleep.
I fell asleep!
He drove all the way here to see me, like four hours, and I fell asleep!
Crap, crap, crap.
I snuggle up to him in bed. I can feel him tense.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper.
He doesn’t answer.
“Really sorry,” I say. I feel horrible. For falling asleep. For not telling him the truth. For everything.
“You fell asleep,” he snaps. “How could you fall asleep?”
“I am really, really, really sorry,” I say, and I mean it. “Why didn’t you wake me up?”
“Why didn’t you stay awake?” He lies on his back. “I just don’t know how you could possibly fall asleep. All I’ve been thinking about for the last five weeks is having sex with you. Are you even excited to see me?”
“Of course I am! But camp is exhausting,” I say. “I was just . . . tired. And the sheets here are so clean! And the bed is soft! And I don’t know. I’m sorry. It’s not about you. Kiss me.” What did I do? I’m horrible. How could I have slept with Gavin? Do not think about Gavin!
“I need to brush my teeth.”
“I don’t care about your teeth.” I slide on top of him and kiss his neck again until he puts his arms around me. I kiss him on the mouth. “I’m really sorry. You taste perfect. Let’s try again.”
I feel him harden underneath me.
“Okay,” he says. “But I’m still mad.”
“I know,” I say. “You have every right to be mad.”
This time I stay awake. And it’s nice. Sweet and gentle and good.
After showering, we get brunch and then spend the day walking around Saratoga. There’s a cute Main Street, and we walk into the bookstore, and antique shops, candy stores, and cafés. I pick up artisanal lollipops for the kids. I am not sure why they’re artisanal, but they’re lollipops and all children like lollipops.
We hit the road back to camp at four thirty.
“I’ll be back next week,” I say as he pulls up to the office. “Last day of camp is Sunday, but then staff has to stay until Monday. Are you driving to Greenwich tonight?”
“Actually, I’m going back to Saratoga Springs,” he says.
“You are? Why?”
“There’s a horse race tomorrow. Might as well go. I’m gonna stay tonight and tomorrow to watch and then drive back Wednesday morning.”
“Don’t put all your winnings on one horse,” I say.
“Why not?” he asks. He kisses me. “When you know, you know.”
I force myself to smile. “Right. So I’ll see you next week?” My plan was to go home for a few days after camp, then to spend a few days at his parents’ house with him before returning to school together.
“Unless you want to make a run for it now?”
Part of me does. I shake my head. “Next week.”
“’Kay.” He kisses me again. “Love you.”
“You too,” I say. I hop out of the car, sling my backpack across my shoulder, and close the door.
I’m feeling down for the rest of the night. The kids all hug me when I come in, but they mostly just want to know if I brought them back anything. I hand out the artisanal lollipops.
“After dinner,” I say. “But not right before bed.”
Luckily Gavin is MIA the whole night. I spot him at dinner for two minutes, but for some reason he’s not at Evening Activity.
The junior section is playing Wheel of Fortune in the Rec Hall, and when Danish dismisses everyone to go to Milk and Cookies, I have a hard time getting up off the bench. Janelle stands and stretches her arms above her. It’s just the three of us left in the room.
“How was your day off?” Danish asks me.
I don’t know what to say. And suddenly I feel so entirely overwhelmed that I burst into tears.
“Oh, honey,” Janelle says, sitting on the bench beside me, and rubbing my back.
“What happened?” Danish says. She sits on the other side of me. “It’ll be okay. Whatever it is.”
“I . . .” I start sobbing even more. Before I know it, my face is dripping with tears and snot. “I don’t know what I’m doing. Janelle already knows this, probably, but—”
Janelle hitches up her red tube top. “I do?”
I nod. “He was in my bed.”
Her eyes widen. “Ooooooh. I do.”
“I’ve been hooking up with Gavin,” I say.
Now Danish is the one to say, “Oooooooooh.”
“Yeah.”
“Okay. It happens,” she says. “Did you tell Eli?”
“No,” I say. “But honestly, I kinda thought that he had been hooking up with these girls in Europe!”
“Was he? Is that why you hooked up with Gavin?”
“Maybe?” I say. Then I shake my head. “No. I totally don’t know what Eli was doing. I just wanted to hook up with Gavin. Which makes me a horrible person, doesn’t it? I’m a horrible person.”
“You are not a horrible person,” Danish says. “You’re a human person who is nineteen and who has been away from her boyfriend for five weeks.”
“Expecting someone to be monogamous at our age is silly,” Janelle says. “You’re not married! You had a summer apart. It’s only natural that you might have feelings for someone else.”
I cry some more.
“Do you have feelings for Gavin?” Danish asks.
“I don’t know,” I say. “I’m definitely attracted to him. And he thinks I’m funny, and good at stuff, like being a counselor, and color war, and all that. And he helped when Fancy vomited, and he thinks this job is important, when Eli thinks it’s just fun and games. Eli was mad all summer that I couldn’t call, or that I was tired. But maybe that doesn’t matter. And anyway, Gavin has a girlfriend! It’s a mess. And also, I think I really am in love with Eli. So what do I do now?”
Danish puts her hand on my shoulder. “If you love Eli, just stop messing around with Gavin. Pretend it didn’t happen. Eli never has to know if you don’t want him to know.”
“But I don’t like lying,” I say.
“Then tell him. You can tell him and apologize and see if he’ll forgive you. Then you’ll know if he’s for real.”
I wipe my nose on the back of my arm. “Why would he forgive me?”
“Because he loves you?” Danish says. “Because he wants to be with you? Because he left you for the summer and understands that these things can happen? Or maybe he did hook up with someone and now you guys are even and can move on.”
I nod.
“I also think . . .” She hesitates.
“Yeah?”
“I think you need to think about what you want. And how you feel. Sure, maybe you hooked up with Gavin because he’s hot and because he’s here and because you were a little pissed off at Eli for leaving you for the summer. But maybe you also weren’t totally happy with your relationship with Eli.”
I nod. “I’m really confused.”
“Life is confusing,” Janelle says and laughs. “That’s part of the fun.”
“You’ll figure it out,” Danish says. “I know you will. And anyway, I have a great distraction for you tonight. Superbowl break at midnight. We’re waking up all the kids.”
“What is a Superbowl break?” Janelle asks.
“It’s like color war, but only two teams, and we play football for two days!”
“Fun!” Janelle says.
“Two days of football?” I groan. “That’s so much football. Is that where Gavin is tonight?”
She smiles. “He’s helping build the float. You’ll see.”
We all stay up since we know about the break. And at eleven fifty-five, Botts and Marissa come stomping through the hallway of our bunk. They are blaring “We Will Rock You” from one of their iPhones and screaming, “GET READY FOR THE SUPERBOWL!”
Some of the kids jump out of bed and the others hide under their covers.
“Getting them back to bed is going to be painful,” I say.
“Do we get a sleep-in tomorrow?” Prague asks.
“Nope,” Marissa tells her.
“This is going to be fun,” Janelle says.
“Everyone to the football field!” Botts cries out.
“Everyone take a sweatshirt!” I order as we usher all the kids to the football field.
A few of them run ahead, and I take the hands of the sleepy ones.
We surround the football field and wait for Marissa to take center stage. She grabs a megaphone. “We are so excited for Superbowl XX!!! Time to announce our captains!”
Everyone cheers. “For the Wolves team, wearing gray, we have Trevor Rudgers and Nora Steinberg! And for the Tigers, wearing black, we have the Tank and Janelle Moden!”
I spin to look at Janelle. She looks vaguely shocked but then throws her arms up in victory.
“Go, Janelle!” I scream. She is co-captain with the Tank? She is going to win FOR SURE.
She runs up to the center of the field.
I look to see where Lawrence is. He’s watching her. I look for Allie. She’s whispering to one of her co-counselors.
Whatever.
They divide the teams. Gavin’s on mine. He comes up to me after they call out the rest of the teams, and puts his hand on my waist in the dark.
I flinch. I realize it’s the first time I have not wanted him to touch me.
“Hey,” he says.
“Oh. Hey.” I take a step back. I don’t know what I want.
“How was your day off?” he asks.
“It was . . . good. Weird.”
He doesn’t say anything. “Can you meet me in like an hour? At the beach? I want to hear about it.”
“I . . . I’m actually exhausted,” I find myself saying. It’s not a lie. “Can we talk tomorrow?”
“Yeah. Sure.” He shrugs, and I watch him disappear into the night.
The next morning, Janelle’s alarm goes off at seven a.m. and she’s dressed in black shorts and a black tube top and jumping around in excitement.
I spot Gavin at flagpole but try not to look at him. I am not sure what to say. I’m not sure what I want.
So of course, I end up directly behind him in the hot breakfast line in the kitchen.
“Hey,” I say. “Sorry about yesterday.” I’m not sure why I am apologizing. But I can’t just avoid him.
“It’s fine. I was wiped, too.”
“Do you want to talk at Rest Hour?” I ask.
“I have to make an office run,” he says.
Calling Kat, he means. “Okay,” I say. “Another time.”
He nods.
I get my large bowl of scrambled eggs, two serving spoons, and head back to my table. And I can’t help but wonder—is it over? Just like that?
I practice with the girls on my team all morning.
Janelle pops by to watch mid-practice, and she’s smiling and cheering like crazy. “You guys are rock stars!” she says. “You’re going to smash the other team! Totally smash them!”
She looks so happy, and I’m thrilled for her.
After lunch, I am splayed across my bed resting when I hear the cabin door open. “Hello? Sam, you there?”
It’s Gavin.
Lis and Talia both look over.
I jump off my bed and push open the sheet. “Hey,” I say. “What’s up?”
“Can we talk?”
“Sure, let’s go outside,” I say. His eyes are red. He looks upset.
The Lower Field bleachers are empty, so we head to those. My heart is racing—did he tell her? Did she freak out?
I wait to sit down before I ask, “What happened?”
“She . . .” He takes a deep breath. “She broke up with me.”
I gasp in surprise. “You told her?”
“No,” he says, his knee bouncing. “I didn’t say anything. She did! She kissed some guy.”
“Wait. She did?” My heart speeds up. “Was it Eli?”
“What?” He looks up at me. “No. Not Eli. Alain. Some French guy,” he says, and his voice turns bitter.
I feel a wave of both relief and disappointment. “I did not see that coming.”
“Me neither.”
My heart stops. “Did you tell her? About me?” If he told her, she could be messaging Eli right now.
He shakes his head. “No. I didn’t say anything about you or about anyone.”
“What do you mean, anyone? Was there someone besides me?”
He shakes his head quickly. “No, no, I meant about me being with anyone. I didn’t tell her anything. She was just saying all this stuff on the phone, about how she couldn’t help the way she felt, and she hadn’t known if this Alain would like her back, and she still cares about me, and how they kissed last night and she wants more. So, she broke up with me because she wants to be as honest as possible and not lead me on when her feelings have changed. She’s probably fucking him right now.”
The word makes me jump. It sounds so crude. Also, she broke up with him because she wants to hook up with some other guy? Wants to? Not did? Is she the most righteous person ever?
Or am I just the worst?
“I know I’m a hypocrite,” he says. “I have no right to be mad at her. I have no right to feel like shit. But I am. And I do. She’s just . . . I’ve never met anyone like her. I can’t believe she broke up with me. I can’t believe it’s over.”
Ouch. Wow. Now I can’t stop thinking about Kat. Kat who did the right thing. Kind of. She called her boyfriend and was straight with him before anything major happened. She could have just slept with Alain and no one would ever know, but she didn’t.
Kat did the right thing. I should have done the right thing.
“I think I’m going to need to tell Eli,” I say.
He closes his eyes. “Great.”
“Not, like, today. At some point. I don’t think I can stay with him if I don’t. And I want to be with him. At least I think I do.”
I do love him. And I hate the idea of him not loving me anymore. “I’ll try to leave you out of it,” I say.
“Whatever. It doesn’t really matter now anyway, does it?” He sighs. “This sucks.”
“I need to get back to the girls.” I stand up. I don’t really need to get back to the girls. I just don’t want to be sitting here with him right now.
“See you later,” he says.
“Yeah.”
On my way back to the bunk, I feel the tears roll down my face. I don’t even know why I’m crying.
Danish is stepping up to the bunk at the same time. “You okay?”
“No,” I say. “I think I need to tell Eli.”
She nods. “I understand. Are you going now?”
“Going where?”
“To tell him. I thought that’s what you meant,” she says.
“No, I meant at some point. Like after the summer. Eventually.”
But there is something so freeing about the idea of telling him . . . right now. There is such a heavy weight on my chest. The idea of letting that go . . . “You don’t mind if I leave? I’ll be back soon. Tonight.”
“I’ll cover you. Head staff is basically off today and tomorrow anyway. Camp is over in four days. Can you be back by curfew?”
I nod. “You sure?”
“Absolutely.”
I’m not even sure what my plan is, but after grabbing my phone and my wallet, I hurry to my car. I text as I walk.
Are you still in Saratoga Springs? I have a few hours off. Can I come see you?
Three dots.
Of course! All good?
I hesitate and then type.
Not really.
He’s sitting on a bench in front of the hotel when I drive up. I park and sit beside him.
“Hey,” he says. He puts his hand on my knee. “What’s wrong?”
“I . . .” My voice closes up. “I don’t know how to tell you this, so I’m just going to say it. I hooked up with someone at camp. I’m sorry. I should have . . . I don’t know what I should have done. Not done it. Told you. I don’t even know why I did it. He was there and you weren’t. That’s not the only reason. I think I was mad at you for going away and then you didn’t seem to be taking my job seriously and then you didn’t tell me about the girls you were traveling with . . . I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. I love you. I didn’t realize how much I messed up until I saw you.”
He looks like someone punched him in the stomach. “I . . . I don’t know what to say. Are you saying you were with someone else and it’s my fault?”
“No. Yes.” My head is spinning and my hands are freezing. “I didn’t mean to blame you. I think I convinced myself that you were hooking up with people over there—”
“I wasn’t,” he says dully.
“I know. I just thought . . . or I wanted to think . . . I don’t know. I was confused. But it’s over.” I can’t catch my breath. “I want to be with you. And I need you to know that it’s over.”
He puts his hands on the bench, as if he’s steadying himself. He looks woozy. “I would never have touched someone else. I love you. I loved you.”
The past tense makes me feel like someone punched me in the stomach.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” I suddenly feel desperate. “Do you think you could forgive me? It’s over. For real, it’s over. I’m sorry. So sorry.”
“I don’t know,” he says. “Are you going back to camp?”
“What?”
He crosses his arms and glares at me. “Are you going back? Tonight.”
“Yeah. I have to go back.”
“I don’t want you to see him.”
“I won’t be with him,” I say quickly. “But I have to see him. I work with him.”
“No. Don’t go back.” He shakes his head again and again and again. “If you want us to have a chance of getting back together, don’t go back. Stay here with me.”
“I . . .” I was not expecting this. “Eli, I have to go back. It’s my job. And my stuff is there.”
He stands up and looks back at the hotel. “Then there’s nothing to say. We’re over.”
No, no, no. “I know you’re mad,” I say. “I know I hurt you. And I’m so, so sorry. Can we talk when I get back?”
“I don’t know,” he says. He stands up and fidgets with his phone. “I need to go.”
He’s crying. I made him cry. I can’t believe I made him cry. I feel myself start to cry too. What did I do?
I sit on the bench, and watch him walk away.
I have to stop the car a few times to catch my breath, but I make it back to camp by eight. As I pull into the parking lot, I see the kids crossing the road in the distance. They must be going to the CL for a movie. I can’t face them right now. I lean my head on the steering wheel and wait.
What am I doing? How could I have done that to him? I made him cry. I made someone I love cry! What is wrong with me? I start crying again.
About two minutes later I hear a knock on the glass.
It’s Botts.
I roll down the window. “Hi,” I say, my voice faint.
“Playing hooky? Where did you go?”
“Danish said it was okay. I . . .” My voice trails off and I start to cry again. “Everything is okay, I just . . .”
“Oh, crap, Sammy, I’m sorry. Come here, come here.” He opens the car door and helps me out. I’m still crying so he hugs me. I cry into his blue hoodie.
“Let’s go somewhere,” he says.
“Where?” I ask.
“What’s your favorite place in camp?”
“I don’t know,” I say. “The softball field?”
“Of course it is,” he says. “Come on.”
I lie on my back across the bench behind home plate, and he sits beside my feet.
“I’m guessing this is somehow related to your boyfriend drama?” he asks.
“It is,” I say. One of my arms dangles to the ground, and I lean the other against my forehead. “I just . . . I told Eli. About Gavin. And now he hates me. And I don’t even know why I did what I did! I just got so caught up in this place! I love it here! I love the kids! And the staff! And I think Eli just doesn’t understand me or what this place means to me! I tried to explain but he doesn’t get it and I know that isn’t an excuse for what I did. And then he broke up with me.” I start crying again. “I just can’t believe I would do something like that. Not the telling, the . . . Gavin. Omigod, the look on Eli’s face. I’ll never get it out of my mind. I’m such an asshole.”
“You can’t be so hard on yourself.”
“I can, actually. Eli was in Europe all summer and didn’t hook up with anyone else!”
“Yeah, maybe, but Gavin has the whole broody thing going on. And those abs! I mean, you’re only human.”
I laugh, but shake my head. “I ruined a great thing.”
He picks up a baseball off the ground and tosses it from hand to hand. “Maybe your relationship wasn’t that great,” he says. “I don’t know. Maybe you wouldn’t have been looking for something else if you were so happy. Like, look at Danish and her girlfriend. They talk every night. Danish never looks at anyone else, and Marissa practically throws herself at her.”
“What? Marissa?” I remember that Marissa is Danish’s ex.
“Yeah. You haven’t noticed?”
“No,” I say.
Was I happy? I think I was when we were together. “I guess I’ve changed a little since I came to camp. I’m not the same person I was in June. In some ways for the better, and in some ways for the worse. I don’t want to be the kind of person who cheats on her boyfriend. It’s just not who I am. Or maybe it is. Maybe I have to get used to the idea that this is who I am. Someone who cheats on her boyfriend just because a guy is hot. A guy who also has a girlfriend! Ugh, I’m the worst.”
“You’re not the worst.”
“You looked at me like I was the worst. When you saw us. Gavin and me.”
“I did not.”
“You did!”
“I did not. I was just”—he hesitates—“surprised.”
“Yeah. Me too.”
He laughs.
“Thank you for not telling anyone,” I say.
“I would never do that to you,” he says.
“So what happened with . . . Lis?” I ask. “Not my business?”
He shakes his head. “She’s just not the right person for me. And I guess I knew it. I hope I didn’t hurt her feelings.”
“She’ll be okay,” I say.
“What, you think I’m that easy to get over?”
I laugh. “Summer’s done. She’ll move on.”
“Leaving a trail of broken hearts wherever I go,” he says. “That is what I’m known for.”
We hear the sound of children laughing from the road.
“I guess the movie is over,” I say. “We should go back.”
“Any guy is lucky to have you. You know that, right?”
“I guess.” I sit up and spin to face him. “Thanks, Botts.”
“Anytime, Rosenspan. Anytime.”
My girls are all walking back to the bunk, getting milk and cookies.
“Sam!” Prague screams, wrapping her arms around me. “I’ve missed you terribly! Where have you been?”
“Just dealing with some stuff, my dear,” I say. “How was the movie?”
“Great!”
“Boring!”
“Slugger fell asleep!”
“You all need a good night’s sleep,” I say, putting my arms around them. “Tomorrow’s a big day.”
Back at the bunk, Janelle is running to the shower. “I stink,” she calls out. “But today was so much fun!”
Lis and Talia are both sitting cross-legged on Talia’s bed.
“Hey,” I say.
“What happened to you?” Talia asks. “Why was Danish covering?”
I don’t want to get into it. “I had to deal with something. But I’m staying in tonight if you want to go out. You have OD, right?”
“Oh,” Talia says. “Thanks. I’m so tired, though. Lis and I were going to crash anyway.”
I strip off my clothes and put on sweats and a T-shirt.
“Did you see Janelle and her tube tops at practice today?” Talia says.
“She really needs to invest in a sports bra,” Lis says.
Talia laughs. “And a razor.”
I can’t deal with this right now. “Can you guys just stop? It’s enough.”
“Excuse me?” Talia asks.
“The bitchiness. The cattiness. I can’t listen to it anymore. So she wears tube tops. Big freakin’ deal. And why does she need to shave her armpits? The guys don’t! She shouldn’t have to shave them if she doesn’t want to!”
Lis looks scared at my outburst, but Talia rolls her eyes.
“Don’t pretend she’s not a freak,” Talia says.
“So what if she’s a freak!” I say. “Everyone’s a freak!”
“We’re not,” Lis says.
“Lis, you’ve signed your name in at least fifteen spots in this cabin. Why? And Talia! You use too much sanitizer. Like way too much. There’s no way that much sanitizer is good for you.”
They both glare at me.
“And, look, I’m a freak too, okay!” I say. “I’m freakin’ Porny! And I messed up the most important thing in my life for possibly no reason! And I kind of love frog hunting! Which is a really weird thing to love! And I’m very bad at folding! So big deal if Janelle likes tube tops! And her hairbrush! So WHAT?!”
I hear the front door open and I stop.
Janelle comes into the counselors’ room.
“Hi,” I say. I take a deep breath. “I’m going to brush my teeth,” I say, and head to the bathroom.
The last day of Superbowl is busy.
Our girls’ game is in the morning. We beat the other team. I manage to avoid talking to both Lis and Talia the whole time, too. I feel gleeful that we beat them.
Since Gavin is with the boys all day, I somehow manage to avoid talking to him.
We win inter boys, senior girls, and CIT boys, too. It all comes down to the staff game, which is Evening Activity.
Not all staff has to play, so I sit it out. So do Lis and Talia.
But we have the Tank. And Janelle. And we win the game. And the whole Superbowl. Janelle is so ecstatic when a bucket of water is poured over her and Tank to declare them the winners that I start to cry, but this time out of joy. Well, mainly.
On Friday, the second to last day of camp, it rains all day.
The kids are all inside the A & C while the four of us—me, Talia, Lis, and Janelle—are helping clean up the A & C porch.
I try to forget about what happened here with Gavin and focus on the cleaning. It doesn’t help that the four of us are barely talking. There are beads everywhere; and for the record, Janelle and I have picked up twice as many beads as they have. Janelle doesn’t seem to notice any of this—she is still on a high from winning Superbowl and she’s humming “We Are the Champions” to herself.
But suddenly the rain changes from a drizzle to a downpour.
“Wow,” I say. “This is intense.”
“Yeah,” Lis says. “Definitely intense. Can’t we make up before the end of camp?”
I look up at her and can’t help but laugh. “I was talking about the rain,” I say.
Talia sits down and sighs. “Both are pretty intense.”
“What are you guys talking about?” Janelle asks.
The three of us laugh, and we all sit down.
“I’m sorry,” Talia says suddenly. “Janelle? I know I was a total bitch this summer.”
“Me too,” Lis says quickly. “You were a great co-counselor and I did not appreciate you.”
Wait, what? Am I in the Twilight Zone?
“You were both bitches,” Janelle says, and looks back and forth between them. “While I was nothing but nice to you.”
“You’re right,” Talia says, her voice soft. “I’m sorry.”
“We’re sorry,” Lis adds.
Janelle holds for a beat. She looks at Talia and then at Lis and then back at Talia. She opens her mouth and then closes it. Then she shrugs. “I try not to hold grudges. They’re bad for the soul. Gimme a hug!”
She lunges toward them both and wraps her arms around them.
Lis hugs her back while Talia pulls away a bit.
“Too much?” Janelle asks.
“No, it’s fine,” Talia says.
“I’m a little shocked here, ladies,” I say.
“We talked about it this morning,” Lis says. “And we decided apologizing was the right thing to do.”
“The weird thing is . . .” Talia hesitates. “I don’t know why I was so mean. I think it was because it was so easy.”
“Um . . . not sure what to do with that,” Janelle says, biting her lip.
“I don’t know either,” Talia says, and sighs again. “The girls I went to high school with were bitches. Locked me in a bathroom stall once for about three hours. Left a dead mouse in my locker.”
“Shit,” I say.
“Yeah.” She shrugs. “So when I started coming to camp, I just . . . I don’t know.”
“Thought if you made fun of other people, no one would make fun of you?” Janelle asks.
Talia nods. “Maybe. Like a strike first thing. You’re not the only person I’ve been an asshole to. But I’m sorry.”
“Me too,” Lis says.
“But maybe it’s not just about you being an easy target. I think we’re just so different. You’re just so out there with your guys and your brush and your tube tops. And the truth is, I’m not . . . I’m just not that into guys.”
Ah. “Do you like girls?” I ask.
“No,” she says. “Not like that. I don’t like anyone like that. Not the way you—not the way everyone—seems to.”
“Everyone’s different,” I say.
“Yeah,” she says. “Sometimes I just wish I weren’t.”
“I’m sorry for the things I said yesterday,” I say. “About the hand sanitizer and the wall signing. You’re not a freak.”
“No, you were right,” Talia says. “I am. But we all are in our own way. I just need to relax about it, maybe.”
“Eric gave me some of his pot,” Janelle says. “Want to try that? Very relaxing.”
I laugh. “Have you forgotten we are in charge of the welfare of children?”
“Goody-goody,” Janelle says, and blows me a kiss. “But fine. You’ll have to come visit me in Canada. Pot is legal there.”
“Deal,” Lis says. “Will we get to meet your half sister?”
“Maybe. I don’t introduce her to just anyone, and you guys are still on probation.”
“Fair enough,” Talia says. “I’ll try and behave.”
“And on that note,” Lis says, jumping up. “I am going to get some paint, so I can write all of our names in that empty spot right next to the door.”
I stand up, too. “Let me help.” I motion to the storm around us. “It looks like we’ll be stuck here for a while.”
On Saturday, Talia packs up the kids one at a time, while I take them to activities. They leave out their shower stuff, a fancy outfit, one pair of pj’s, and an outfit to go home in. The bus leaves at ten a.m. Since the counselors are all staying an extra night, we’ll pack ourselves up then.
“Are you sure you don’t want to switch?” I ask. “I don’t mind packing.”
“I am much more organized than you,” she says. “And you are a much better counselor than me.”
The kids are sad to say goodbye to their friends, but it’s been six weeks and they are only eight and nine. They miss their families and are excited to go home. They can’t wait to see their houses, pet their dogs, hug their cats, and sleep in their own beds.
They pass around their addresses and parents’ emails and promise to stay in touch. They promise to come back next summer.
We go through the lost and found. We recycle the empty shampoo bottles. We help them untape their pictures from the walls. They write their names everywhere with Sharpie.
I write my name beside my bed. Sam Rosenspan slept here.
On the last night, dinner is a banquet. Everyone gets dressed up in their fanciest outfits and we head to flagpole. They ask Ben and Lacy, the two youngest kids at camp, to lower the flag. “Walk, don’t run to dinner!” Jill says afterward, and the kids all run.
There are white tablecloths on the tables for dinner, and the plates are set out. Oooh, pretty. Then there are three courses—salad, then steak or chicken, and finally cake.
Instead of calling freeze, we tell the girls that this time the counselors will stack. They clap but help us clean up anyway.
After dinner, we’re told we have a short twenty-minute Free Play, and then we are to head to the Rec Hall. As soon as we get to the Rec Hall, the lights dim, the screen is pulled down, and we go right into the slideshow.
Nostalgic music like Green Day’s “Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)” plays as pictures from the first day of camp scroll across the screen. Awww! It’s the girls getting off the buses! We all scream, “Lily!” as we see her walking down the road, smiling. Pictures go from day one through the first few weeks, and I love seeing candid shots of my girls. Playing softball. Eating Milk and Cookies. POTH!
Suddenly there are pictures of color war—of me and Gavin whispering and cheering.
“Go, blue!” someone yells.
The final color war picture is of us being pushed into the pool. The look on my face is pure shock and bliss.
I look over at Gavin, and he is looking at me. I smile. He smiles back.
I guess we’ll always have color war.
I look back at the screen and watch the pictures of the dance show, and Visiting Day. And there we are frog hunting! Woot!
My girls clap and scream out each other’s names as they appear on screen.
When the Superbowl pictures are done, the slideshow comes to an end.
The screen stays down, and we go right into a Sing-Song even though it’s Saturday. Jill plays the piano, while the words to all our favorite camp songs appear on screen, and everyone sings together.
We start with “Leaving on a Jet Plane,” and then move into “House at Pooh Corner,” “Hello Muddah, Hello Fadduh,” “Hey There Delilah,” “Closer to Fine,” “One Tin Soldier,” “Summer Nights,” and “Breaking Up Is Hard to Do.” Finally we start singing “Stay (at Camp),” the final song. Everyone sings their parts.
“Why can’t we stay at camp,
Just a little bit longer.
We want to make our friendships,
Just a little bit stronger.
And the counselors won’t mind—”
All the counselors yell out, “We won’t mind!”
“And all the campers won’t mind—”
The campers yell out, “We won’t mind!”
“And all the good times that we share and all the people that we care about . . . one more time!”
We sing the song over and over again, and everyone is jumping on the benches and hugging, and the kids are crying because they don’t want to leave.
I’m going to miss this place. I came not just because it was a job, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could make it here.
Sure, it didn’t go exactly the way I planned.
I lost a part of me.
But I gained a part, too. I learned to stand up for myself. And for other people. And that maybe I want different things than I thought.
And that I’m a freakin’ amazing counselor after all.
Just like we greeted them on the first day, we put the kids back on the bus. Although this time we hug them tightly first.
They pound on the windows and wave goodbye.
We keep waving until the buses are down the road and gone.
“Now what?” I ask Lis.
“We pack up,” she says.
After we pack, and eat, and then pack some more and eat some more, we all head to Upper Field for a final bonfire. I flash back to the bonfire we had at pre-camp. Everything has changed so much. How will it feel to be all alone in my room at my parents’ house after this? No one to talk to at all times?
Muffs is sitting next to Lis. Is that her hand on his knee?
Interesting.
Talia is sitting next to Janelle.
Gavin sits down beside me while everyone sings “Leaving on a Jet Plane.”
“Hey,” he says.
“Hey,” I say back. “How’s it going?”
“It’s okay. Want to go for a walk?”
“Sure,” I say. We haven’t spoken in days.
We head down to the beach, passing counselors as we go, saying hi.
It doesn’t even matter if anyone wonders about us anymore, since we’re both single.
“Want to sit on the dock?” he asks.
I nod. We take off our shoes, leave them at the lifeguard chair, and walk to the end of the creaking dock. We sit down and dip our feet into the water.
“So what happened with Eli?” he asks.
“I told him,” I say. “He broke up with me and I haven’t heard from him since.”
“Sorry,” he says.
“Me too,” I say. “Any word from Kat?”
“Nope. Radio silence.”
“Are you going to try and get back together?” I ask.
“Maybe? I don’t know. It’s not like this other guy lives in Maryland. And it’s not like I was an angel this summer.”
“Right.”
“What about you?”
“I texted him a few times, but it might be out of my hands.”
“I guess you regret it, then,” he says. “What happened with us.”
“I . . .” That’s a good question. “I don’t know, actually.” I laugh. “I had a really good summer. One of my best summers ever, possibly.”
He laughs. “Me too.” He scoots closer to me. “So. We’re single now . . . what do you think?”
“I thought you wanted to get back together with Kat?”
“I don’t know what I want,” he says.
I hesitate. It really was an amazing summer. But it’s over now. And if I do have a chance of getting back together with Eli, I want to be able to say honestly that nothing happened with Gavin after I saw him.
The thing about Gavin—I like how he sees me, and who I am with him, but I’m not actually sure I necessarily like him. He’s kind of into himself. He cares too much about how he looks and what people think, and “being cool.” I guess I’d rather have someone who doesn’t care about that stuff, because that’s the person I’d like to be, even if I don’t always manage it.
He’s a cheater too. Not that I’m one to talk.
“Friends?” I finally ask.
“Sure,” he says. “If you can resist my charms, here in the moonlight.”
“I can resist them,” I say. And I find that it’s true.
My duffel is already in my car, which is parked right outside the bunk. Now that the campers aren’t here, we’re allowed to drive up to our bunks. Lis, Talia, and Janelle already took off, but I am doing one final check through the cabin one last time to make sure I haven’t accidentally left anything behind.
“Hey,” Danish says. “Heading out?”
“Almost,” I say.
“So, aren’t you glad you came back?” she asks me.
“I am,” I say. “Thank you for giving me the job.”
“You were a great counselor,” she says. “And I recommended you to be head of juniors next year, if you’re interested in coming back and replacing me.”
“You did?” I ask, pleased.
“I did. I think you’d be terrific.”
“Thank you!”
“You’re welcome. Stay in touch, ’kay? We should get together in New York.”
“I would love that,” I say. I give her a hug, grab my backpack, and get into the front seat of my car. I am going to my parents’ to spend a few days with them before going back to school. I am not looking forward to their fighting, but it’s only a few days. And then . . . sophomore year. NYC. Here we go.