I was out. Not a drop remained in the bottle after yesterday’s binge drinking because of that messed up dream.
Making a face at myself in the mirror, I dabbed another layer of concealer under my eyes and gave my wet curls another scrunch. Hopefully, the effort would be worthwhile. After all of Emily’s condemning looks yesterday, I needed to at least pretend to have my act together if I wanted to fool Mary and James.
Exhaustion pulled at me as I made my way downstairs. Too little sleep could do that to a person if they let it. I wasn’t about to let it. There was a lot to do today even if dawn’s light was barely creeping over the wall.
In the kitchen, I whipped up a batch of biscuits as quietly as possible. While they were baking, I started on the powdered eggs and sausage. It wasn’t much, but Emily would know effort went into it.
While I waited for her to wake up, I opened the curtains of every window in the house for the show.
Look at Hannah not drinking.
Fucking Merdon.
With everything in place, I sat down on the couch and waited. My mind raced along all the possible ways today might end. There was only one outcome I wanted, me in bed with a bottle snuggled close. Not that I planned on broadcasting that. No, I’d give everyone what they wanted. A picture-perfect Hannah, happy with her place in this shitty world.
The soft smile I’d practiced in the mirror slipped into place with ease when I heard Emily on the stairs.
“Morning,” I said, standing. “I made egg biscuits.”
Her steps slowed as I hurried to the oven and withdrew the two plates I’d kept warm.
“I made them from memory, so I hope they taste okay. It’s been a while.”
I swallowed hard, remembering the exact last time I’d made them. It’d been with my mom, two days before the quakes. We’d girl-talked our way through the process. She’d asked questions about my plans to celebrate my birthday with my friends that night, and I’d filled her in on the latest school drama and my plans for college.
Keeping my smile in place, I set the plate before Emily. She didn’t look happy.
“Hannah, I know this song and dance. You don’t need to pretend things are fine.”
My false humor slipped a little.
“You’re right. Things aren’t fine. But I tried acting like they weren’t fine, and it didn’t make things any better, did it?”
She sighed.
“No. It didn’t.”
“Exactly. So, which version of me do you want?”
Rather than answering, she took a bite of her sandwich.
“This is really good,” she mumbled around a mouthful.
My smile widened, hurting my cheeks.
“Thank you.”
I sat beside her and forced myself to eat. It tasted like dust and ash mixed with a little water.
“So what do we want to do today?” I asked. “I’m tired of being in the house.”
Emily chewed thoughtfully for a moment, and I could feel her wary gaze on me.
“We could do the rounds,” she said. “End at James and Mary’s for dinner?”
That answer was the one I both anticipated and dreaded.
“Sounds good to me.”
The last thing I wanted to do was spend the day talking to people. But I really, really needed face to face time with James and Mary. Well, just James. And, I couldn’t get the latter without the former, so I’d just need to suck it up for a day. No problem.
An hour later, hands tucked between my knees to hide the trembling, I questioned how badly I wanted a drink as I listened to this new girl whine about her roommate.
“It’s not that he’s doing anything bad, really,” she said. “It’s all the creepy watching.”
She glanced through the patio doors to where the fey stood on the deck, doing the creepy watching thing she just mentioned.
“Curtains,” I said with a smile I didn’t feel. “Everything that’s see-through needs them.”
She shook her head slightly.
“I think he watches me sleep. Listen, I like the food and all, but since the infected got in here and not in Tenacity, I think I’m changing teams again. I don’t feel safe here, anymore.”
I snorted softly, and Emily gave me a quick, censuring look before taking the girl’s hand.
“The fey aren’t mind readers. You have to set clear boundaries with them. If it’s bothering you that he’s watching you while you sleep, tell him. Warn him that you’re considering leaving because his obsessive hovering is stifling. I haven’t met a fey yet who wouldn’t adjust what he’s doing to be more accommodating. Especially if his actions might risk a female leaving.”
“What she’s saying is that he wants you here and will do anything you want to get you to stay. The one thing fey don’t do is force,” I said. “They don’t have the balls for that.”
Emily cut me another warning look.
“What? You know that’s true.”
I looked at the fey on the patio. Since the girl had said she wanted to leave, he’d gotten that slumped-shouldered, defeated look of rejection. Seriously, how could Emily think he had balls?
Shaking my head a little and wishing the visit over, I refocused on Emily as she coached the girl on how to have the conversation with her roommate.
Five minutes later, we let ourselves out, and I breathed a sigh of relief.
“I really hope they aren’t all going to be that whiny,” I said.
“Talking about your feelings isn’t whiny, Hannah. It’s healthy.”
“Then why do I feel sick after listening to it?”
She rolled her eyes at me, and I tucked my hands into my jacket as we trudged to the next house on her list.
“What’s the point to these visits?” I asked as we neared Cheri’s house. “We’re telling everyone the same things we told them when they first moved here.”
“Change is hard. Sometimes a friendly face and a little advice, even if it’s a repeat, can go a long way. Besides, it’s in our best interest that these girls stay.”
I frowned in confusion.
“Why’s that? They’re taking up the supplies.”
“They’re also taking up the attention. Unless you’ve changed your mind and want—”
“Nope,” I said quickly. “No fey; no way. That’s my campaign slogan. Seriously, look at how miserable the last girl was. Who, in her right mind, would want that?”
Emily shrugged slightly and knocked on the door.
“Hey, Farco,” she said to the fey who answered. “Is Cheri here?”
He grunted and let us inside where we found Cheri sitting in the living room. Curled comfortably in a chair with a stack of books on the floor next to her, she looked up from her reading as we entered.
“Library time?” I asked.
She grinned.
“Farco went out and found a bunch of books for me when I wasn’t feeling well after the party.” She glanced at him, her smile warming. “I mentioned how much I like reading.”
“When you read those, I will find more,” he promised.
I could see it in her eyes. She was falling for him. It wasn’t a complete shock. After all, she wasn’t the first human female to fall for a fey. But over books? Come on. She could have asked for anything, like a remodel of the basement to include a bowling alley. Instead, she was giving in to a life of breeding for books.
“Farco, would you mind going somewhere else so we can have a private girl talk?” I asked.
He grunted and looked at Cheri.
“I will find some chips for you.”
Cheri’s adoration grew three times too big for my cynical heart. The door had barely closed when I opened my mouth to tell her the truth.
“I’m so happy for you,” Emily said, beating me.
“Thank you. Coming here was the best decision ever. If not for your party and my killer hangover, I don’t think I would have given Farco a chance. He was so incredibly sweet, though, when I was puking out my guts. He cleaned up everything like it was no big deal then just played with my hair because it made my head feel better.”
I snorted.
“He was playing with your hair because he wanted to touch you.”
Cheri shrugged.
“I don’t mind if he got a little something out of it. Last night, I got the best foot rub of my life.” A blush flared to life in her cheeks. “He’s so attentive.”
“Let me guess,” I said. “You groaned a little, and he started in on your calves. When you groaned again, he went a little higher.”
She looked shocked then hurt.
“So it’s a game?” she asked.
“Don’t mind Hannah,” Emily said, quickly cutting me off. “It’s not a game. But keep in mind that the fey didn’t even know what a woman was until after the quakes. We’re so new to them, and they’re so clueless about what makes us tick. When one of them finds something a girl likes, they do information share. It’s not a game; it’s an honest effort to learn what makes us happy because they really do want to make us happy.”
Cheri’s glance slid to me, looking for confirmation.
“It’s true. Happy girls want to stay. But girls who stay tend to get knocked up. You ready for his feyby?”
She cringed a little, and Emily reached out to pat her leg.
“Don’t worry about babies. Just take things slow and see if you enjoy his company, first. Fey really are attentive.”
Cheri gave a slow nod, a little more troubled looking than before, as Emily hustled us out the door.
“We spent thirty minutes listening to the last one whine, and now you’re rushing? Not enough whining from Cheri for you?” I asked.
Emily shot me a dark look.
“Just because you’re miserable doesn’t mean you need to make everyone else miserable.”
“Whoa, that is not what I was doing. I was telling her the truth.”
Emily exhaled heavily.
“The truth delivered in a negative way to stir drama.”
I snorted.
“Pot calling the kettle there.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” she asked.
“We’re focused on all the houses that have new girls so you can prod them into giving the fey a chance. If that isn’t stirring drama, I don’t know what is.”
“It’s me caring about them enough during a time of transition to check in on their mental wellbeing. This shit isn’t easy on anyone, Hannah. Maybe you should try looking beyond yourself and your own misery for a while.”
Shit. I was losing her.
Taking a deep breath, I walked by her side for the count of twenty then spoke.
“You’re right. I’m sorry. It’s not about me. I’m just worried that, if all the girls and fey start matching up, we’ll be next.”
“I know, Hannah. But did you ever stop to consider what that would mean for us? No more parties. Constant food. Would that be so bad?”
“If that’s what you want from this life, no, that wouldn’t be bad. It’s not what I want though, so don’t ask me to go there.”
“Fair enough.”
No matter how much my hands shook or my stomach twisted or my head hurt, I behaved for the remainder of the day. And I was full of relief when we left the last house and headed for James and Mary’s place.
“I’m really hoping for something good,” I said a little breathlessly. Nothing felt good, and all of the walking around was making it worse.
“Me too,” Emily said. “Those cookies were too salty.”
I made a non-committal noise. Not only was I not talking about food, but I’d also had the smarts not to eat the deformed balls Emily had.
James called for us to enter after Emily’s first knock. We let ourselves in and took off our jackets and boots.
“Well, this is a surprise,” James said when he saw me. “Twice in a week.”
“It’s a new week,” I deadpanned.
He laughed. “Could be. But, I didn’t think I’d see you again so soon. Glad you’re here, though. Now Ma can stop scolding me about keeping my mouth shut.”
A true smile lifted my lips. He and Mary thought I’d left because of his fey talk. Perfect. Guilt was good.
“What have you two been up to today?” he asked. “Ma said she saw you earlier.”
“Saw us?” Emily asked.
“She went to the supply shed. There was a good supply run and more on the shelves, and I think she misses shopping. She saw you two while she was out.”
“We’ll need to go check it out,” Emily said enthusiastically.
Just the thought of food made my stomach turn.
“We were out talking to the new girls,” I said, steering the conversation to a safer topic until my stomach settled.
Mary swept into the room from the kitchen. Her face lit up when she saw us.
“I’m so glad I made a double batch of macaroni and cheese,” she said, coming to hug us. “You’re staying for dinner, right?”
Emily looked at me. I smiled and nodded my head. Mary beamed with delight, and I could only hope the dinner would stay down long enough to get what I’d come for.
While Emily went to help Mary with the place settings, I followed James to the table. Easy conversation flowed during the meal, making it possible to eat less and talk more. Especially when Emily shared that we’d learned that most of the girls weren’t liking their fey roommates.
“That’s a shame,” Mary said. “Those fey are all so sweet and deserve a little bit of happiness in their lives.”
“What about happiness in our lives?” I asked. “Why do we have to give up everything for their little bit of happy?”
“Oh, I’m not saying you should,” Mary reassured me. “It’s just that some of those girls really seem like they could use a man in their lives. Someone to lean on in times of trouble. You two have each other. James and I aren’t judging.”
I almost spit out the small bite I’d reluctantly taken.
“Mary, we’re not lesbians,” Emily said.
“Of course you aren’t, dear.” Mary’s curious gaze settled on me, and I swallowed.
“You know what? If it gets me out of future talks about how I need a man in my life, yep, I’m gay.”
James made a choked sound that I was sure was a laugh.
“While I was on my way to the supply shed,” Mary said, “I saw one of those girls yelling at poor Sain to leave her the bleep alone.”
“Bleep?”
Emily and Mary ignored me as Emily made a sympathetic sound.
“Sain is such a teddy bear,” Emily said. “So shy. I’ll have to stop by his place tomorrow.”
“That’s a wonderful idea. I’m sure if she just got a chance to know him like we do, she’d love him. Oh, I have the perfect idea.”
“Now, I doubt that,” James mumbled, keeping his head down as Mary shot him a dirty look.
“Remember that show The Dating Game? We should come up with some questions for the girls to ask the fey to get to know them.”
“I think that show was before our time,” I said, having no clue about the reference.
Mary waved a hand at me and focused on Emily, who was nodding.
“Premade questions would be good. Especially if we can turn it into some kind of game. The fey love games, and it might make the girls more willing to go along.”
Their animated conversation drew them away from the table. James shook his head and leaned back in his chair, his plate empty. I looked at the other two plates and saw they were bare, too. Taking a quick bite, I stacked my plate on top of Mary’s and collected the rest.
“You hightailing it out of here?” James asked, watching me.
“As fast as I can.”
James chuckled.
“They mean well.”
I didn’t reply. Spilling my thoughts earlier had almost cost me my opportunity. I wasn’t going to potentially screw it up again.
Taking the dishes to the kitchen, I rushed through washing them and left everything in the drainer to air dry. James was in his chair again. The one facing the liquor cabinet.
“I washed the dishes, figuring they’d be at it a while,” I said, hearing Emily and Mary’s voices coming from the basement.
“Thank you.”
“No problem. Just stick up for me when Emily gets mad that I left without her again.”
He chuckled and winked at me.
I smiled and moved to the door, my palms sweating with need. My hands shook as I zipped my jacket.
“Oh,” I said, turning as if a thought had just occurred to me. “And thank you for that bottle of vodka. Let me know if you ever need me to make room for more. The last party wiped out our supply so we have plenty of room.”
He waved at the cabinet.
“Grab a few now. We see at least one new bottle a day. Anything that looks strong enough to clean out a cut, we’ve been sending to Cassie’s for real medicinal purposes.”
“Hopefully, she gets to use it.”
His expression turned thoughtful.
“Not sure I understand your meaning.”
“Most hurts now aren’t the kind that a disinfectant can fix. They’re the kind that turn you.”
He nodded slowly.
“Yeah, then let’s hope she gets a chance to use it.”
I moved from the door and made a show of helping myself to a bottle of brandy. Then, turning my back to him, I moved a few bottles and slid the door closed. When I straightened, I took the single bottle from the top of the sideboard.
“Thanks for this,” I said, lifting the bottle slightly.
He nodded and reclined back in his chair, ready for his after-dinner nap.
Every nerve tingled as I let myself out of his house and walked down the street, openly carrying the brandy. I could already taste it. My mouth watered. I imagined myself taking off the top and lifting it to my lips. Need didn’t completely cloud my thoughts into making a hasty decision, though. I waited until I was home where all the curtains still gaped wide.
Kicking off my shoes, I crossed to the kitchen. Instead of opening the bottle, I opened the cabinet and put the precious win inside, right beside an empty vodka bottle that had a sticky note on it.
I know this was water.
I got angry, but I didn’t show it. That Emily knew didn’t matter. I wasn’t going to make the same mistake twice. Closing the door, I went up to my room and closed my curtains.
Once I was alone, I pulled the second bottle from my jacket. It wasn’t big, but it would do. Unscrewing the top, I took a long swig and exhaled heavily.
I felt no guilt that I’d taken it. James had given me an open invitation to do so. And I felt no guilt that I was hiding it. In fact, I was feeling something I hadn’t felt in a good, long while. Pride.
Emily and Merdon’s judgmental views of my drinking wouldn’t oppress me.
As I’d proven time and again, I was the queen of drinking games.