Since sleep was a hard-won commodity, mornings usually didn’t do much for me. Especially when I’d gone to bed drunk. Today was different, though. Today was my b-day. Booze Day. I hurriedly tugged on a new-to-me dress from my closet and shuffled downstairs.
As I’d hoped, Emily was already gone. A note waited for me on the counter of the tidied kitchen.
I set up the living room for you and left the schedule. First come, first served, to keep it fair! See you around dinner. Breakfast is in the oven.
Glancing at the living room, I saw that she’d pushed everything aside and had a table in the middle of the space, like when we hosted the gatherings. A chair waited at each side of the table, the setup reminiscent of an interview. On the table, a huge board had “Dating Schedule” written on the top and blank spots where I was supposed to add fey names.
Ignoring that responsibility for the moment, I checked the oven. More eggs waited for me. I made a face and put the plate on the table, planning on offering it to the first fey who walked in.
Ready for a drink, I opened the front door. Tor had truly spread the word. Dozens of fey waited outside, each one of them holding a bottle of some sort. My mouth watered as fey after fey entered with their lovely payments.
I smiled at Tor and offered him my eggs as I got a glass and opened the brandy he’d handed me. The subtly sweet liquid warmed my throat with the first large swallow. Exhaling contentedly, I faced the fey.
“So, Tor, tell me what you’re looking for in a woman. Big boobs? Childbearing hips?”
“Yes,” he said.
“Really? You’re going to be that picky?”
His expression turned troubled, and I chuckled.
“I’m just teasing you, Tor. If you want that, I’ll make sure to let Emily know to match you up with someone like that.”
“I won’t be picky,” he said. “Emily can match me with any female.”
Of course she could. None of these fey were picky. They’d take anything with a hole. I didn’t say that, though. Instead, I wrote his name in the slot, promised Emily would do her best, which I knew she would, then called the next fey and his tribute forward.
The chart filled up in no time, and I turned away the rest of the gathered fey with a promise that we’d do it again sometime. It sucked saying “no” to so much good booze, but I didn’t want to rile them up by collecting and not delivering. Alone in the house, I turned to look at my b-day haul. I could already taste all of it. In fact, I itched to open another bottle just to do so. But I didn’t.
The bottles of tequila I put in the cupboard above the stove. The rest, I hid in my room.
My logic about dividing my supply was simple. The fey talked, so Emily would know that they’d brought booze here. However, Emily wouldn’t know that each one had brought a bottle. That meant I could lead her to believe what was above the stove was it. She could keep an eye on that supply and think that my drinking had slowed while I continued to self-medicate in my room.
It’d be fine.
Someone knocked on the door. I took another quick drink from my brandy before going to answer it and turn away whichever fey hadn’t yet heard that the dating schedule was full for now.
The smile on my face melted away as I focused on the one fey I didn’t want to see. Merdon filled the space, looking down at me with his judgmental gaze.
“Why do you need thirteen bottles of alcohol?”
“First, that’s none of your business. Second, when did you learn to count?”
He glowered at me mutely.
“Fine. Whatever. Don’t answer. I’ll return the favor.”
I moved to shut the door, but he stopped me by placing a hand on the panel. That’s all it took. One hand, and I couldn’t budge it. He watched me steadily like a cat toying with a mouse. Did he seriously think I could do nothing?
His comment from yesterday roared in my ears, and I lost it. Jerking the door open wide, I got in his space.
“You don’t think I have the balls to face-off with you? Try me,” I all but growled at him.
We remained locked in a staring contest until he retreated a step.
“Emily will know,” he said.
I slammed the door shut in his face, showing him just how much I cared about his stupid threat. And to make sure he understood, because the fey were a little slow sometimes, I opened the curtain wide, grabbed the nearest bottle, and chugged until I ran out of breath.
If he was going to tattle, I was going to make the trouble worth my while.
He crossed his arms as he watched me and leaned against the tree, showing me he wasn’t leaving.
“Fine,” I said, taking another long drink from the bottle.
Then, I settled in to enjoy my day.
“Holy shit!”
The exclamation didn’t fully pull me from oblivion, but the clank of glass-on-glass did. My eye popped open just as Emily’s barely audible words reached my ears.
“Are you sure you got it all?”
Disoriented, I tried to piece together where I was and what was happening. I lifted my head and looked down at myself. I was tucked into my bed and still wearing my dress. There wasn’t any light coming from the window, so it was either really early or late. Frowning, I tried to recall which, but all I could come up with was day-drinking my ass off, possibly letting Thallirin use our shower, and definitely flipping off Merdon repeatedly through the front window because he wouldn’t leave.
Were Thallirin and Brenna still here? And, more importantly, why wasn’t Emily shaking me awake and demanding to know how much I drank?
I hesitated, debating whether or not to get out of bed. The way the room was spinning ever so slightly and the complete mellowness I felt let me know I was still buzzing strong. It would be easy for me to curl up and pass out again. But only for the short term. Keeping the peace now would make my life easier in the long run.
Slithering from the bed, I held the wall for a moment to gain my balance then carefully made my way to the stairs.
“…angry about this. You better go before she wakes up. Are you sure you got all of it?” Emily asked.
“Yes.”
I frowned at the low answer. That didn’t sound like Thallirin. Again, I heard the faint sound of clinking.
“Thanks again for your help, Merdon.”
My mouth fell open, and I almost fell down the stairs in my hurry to get to the kitchen. The door closed before I reached the bottom. Emily was by herself.
“What is going on?” I asked, gaze flicking between her and the door. “Was that Merdon?”
“It was,” Emily said.
I was expecting her to look pissed because of the booze. The worried expression on her face was even better. Worried was easier to channel in the right direction.
“So he already tattled about my day drinking?” I asked.
She nodded.
“I only did it to piss him off because he came in here being all judgmental.”
“No you didn’t,” she said softly. “You drank because you need to drink. It stops now.”
“Yeah, I know. That’s why I left all the bottles in the cabinet.” I nodded to the one above the stove.
She shook her head slightly and looked down at her hands.
“No, you didn’t, Hannah. You hid some in your room, too.” She looked up at me, her gaze steely. “Merdon found the bottles and took those along with the ones above the cabinet. There’s nothing left in the house. He also told me he’ll spread the word so you won’t be able to pull the stunt you did today. The fey deserve better from us, Hannah. You used them.”
“Betrayal seems to be going around,” I said. Anger didn’t begin to describe what I felt at the one person I’d thought was my friend.
She gave me a sad look.
“Fuck you and your pity,” I growled.
Turning my back on her as she’d just turned hers on me, I went back upstairs. I had to know. Surely, she’d been exaggerating. She hadn’t really let Merdon search my room while I was in it, had she?
The bottle under my bed was gone, but that was fine. It’d been a decoy bottle anyway.
However, the bottles I’d hidden in the bath towels, in the closet, in the shoes, and in the damn toilet tank were gone, too. That thing inside me twisted and grew, taking up so much space I couldn’t breathe. My gaze flicked around the room as I gasped for air. There was nothing left to save me from what I knew was coming without my bottles. The memories already tugged at me, demanding their due.
My eyes started to water, and my hands shook.
“It’ll be okay, Hannah,” Emily said from behind me.
I whirled on her, my fear hardening into a furious outrage.
“Get out!”
She backpedaled into the hall before I had a chance to push her out. Robbed of the satisfaction, I slammed the door in her face instead. My anger evaporated as the painful truth of my situation crashed down on me once more. I slid to the floor as the first sob escaped me.
They’d taken the only peace I’d had.
I had nothing.
No one.
I curled around myself, the pain bleeding out through my tears and whimpers. How could Emily betray me like she had? She knew how bad things were. She heard me at night. She cared. At least, I thought she had. Just like I’d thought she’d been my friend.
Betrayed. The word wouldn’t stop echoing through my mind, not even after the tears dried up and my throat went hoarse. Did I deserve any less? No.
I just lay there, staring vacantly ahead as the sky outside my window gradually lightened.
A knock at my door broke through my numbness.
“Hannah, I made some breakfast if you’re hungry.”
My temper reignited, and I only barely managed to swallow my response to her. Further confrontation would not improve my circumstances. I needed to be smarter, less emotional. Emotions were for at night when I had no control.
When I didn’t answer, she walked away, her steps soft on the hall carpet. Determination wormed its way inside me. I was not going to let Emily and Merdon get away with manipulating my life. If Merdon wanted balls, I’d show him balls. And once I brought him to his knees, I’d take back my bottles.
Pulling myself up off the floor, I stumbled to the bathroom, intent on making myself presentable. The dress fell in a pool around me, and I happened to catch a glance of myself in the mirror before I quickly turned away. The skeletal glimpse wasn’t the pre-quake version of myself that still lingered in my mind. But, we were all thin now. It wasn’t a big deal.
Under the spray of the shower, I wet my hair. My fragile determination slipped fractionally as darker thoughts slipped in. Why go through all the effort? The alcohol was a bandage. There was only one real cure. Ending it all. The roof didn’t work. There were other methods.
Even as I mentally cringed away from the thought, my gaze slid to where I kept my razor. It was gone. Frowning, I turned off the water to check the drawer. Everything sharp was gone.
I stood there, dripping water all over as mental pieces fell into place. Merdon’s presence this morning. Emily’s overreaction. Now, the missing razor.
Merdon told Emily about the roof.
Panic consumed me, and I gripped the countertop for support as my mind raced. The desperation of my situation had never been higher. I really needed those bottles. I couldn’t cope with Emily knowing, not without them.
Grabbing a towel, I dried quickly and dressed. I didn’t bother with my hair or makeup. I needed to find Merdon, fast, before he blabbed to someone else. Given the fey’s love to gossip, it was likely already too late. My stomach churned at the thought. What would I do if everyone knew? No one would help me, then.
Rushing out the door, I nearly plowed Emily over in my hurry.
“Where are you going?” she said, rushing after me.
“Trying to fix your fuck-up,” I said, lifting my jacket from the hook as I flew out the door.
My first impulse was to start yelling Merdon’s name. He’d already proven the superiority of his hearing with his fey ears, so I knew he’d hear me wherever he was within the walls. As would every other fey, and I didn’t really want to call attention to the need behind my rush to find him if he’d actually kept his mouth shut.
Taking off at a jog, I started down the road. The snow crunched under my feet, and my breath misted in front of me.
The fey I passed nodded at me normally enough, not that I could count on that as an indicator of anything. Very little fazed them to the point that they would act differently. Playing along, I waved and smiled like normal and continued jogging as if my side wasn’t splitting in two or my breathing labored.
At the end of the road, I paused, panting as I looked around for the ass who’d been following me around for days. Where in the hell was he? I struggled not to let my anger show and forced my fisted hands to relax. Rather than running around and collapsing in the snow, I waved down a single fey.
“Hey, have you seen Merdon?”
“What do you need, Hannah?” the bastard asked from behind me.
I whirled around with a glare.
He nodded to the fey, who jogged away, before looking down at me.
“I want you to return what you stole.”
“No.”
“It wasn’t yours to take. I know you understand what stealing means and that it’s wrong. Now, give it all back.”
“I did.”
I wanted to pull all the hair from his head.
“You did what?”
“I gave it back to the fey you tricked into giving it to you.” He stepped closer, menacingly. “I know you understand what trickery is and that it’s wrong. Now, go home, Hannah.”
I shook with my need to swing out and throat punch him. All I would do was hurt myself, though. Damn their strength and durability.
“You have no idea how much I wish I had the strength to hurt you right now.”
“I do know. I also know that hurting me will not make you feel better.”
“Oh? I think we should give it a try. Mind staying here while I go find a hammer?”
I smiled sweetly at him.
“Die and go to hell, Merdon.”
Pivoting on my heel, I stalked off in the other direction. At least, the confrontation had satisfied one need. I now knew where to find my booze. All I needed to do was sweet talk a few fey into giving it back to me.
I waved to the first one I recognized.
“Hey! I heard that Merdon returned the bottle you gave me. He and I are having a little misunderstanding. Would you be willing to return it to me?”
The fey shook his head.
“Merdon said too much alcohol poisons a human’s body, and all those bottles would make you sicker.”
“I’m not sick.”
He shrugged. “I already poured it out.”
I definitely felt sick, hearing his admission.
“Why would you do that? It’s not like anyone is making more.”
“Good. I don’t want to poison any humans.”
I held out my arms.
“Do I look poisoned to you?”
He studied me far too long for my comfort.
“You are a different version of the Hannah who Ghua carried from the RV. That Hannah swore and had fire in her eyes. There’s no fire there now. Only sadness, even when you smile.”
I understood then that I hadn’t been fooling anyone. Well, at least not any of the fey. I let my smile fall.
“Of course I’m not the same person. My world has been destroyed, and everything familiar is gone. I’m sure you’re not the same person you were either.”
“I am not sad; I am happy.”
“Sure. You gained knowledge of and access to women. What’s not to love about that? But what did humans get? Death and destruction. Don’t expect everyone to be as joyful as you. Humans were dealt a far shittier hand.”
He blinked at me, and I knew I was wasting my time, trying to justify myself to him.
“If you find any more alcohol, please keep me in mind.”
With a wave, I walked off to find the others. However, I received about the same response from all of them. They either poured the alcohol out after hearing Merdon say it was poison, gave it to Cassie to clean wounds, or just flat out refused to return it to me.
Frustrated beyond measure and feeling more than a little nauseous, I went in search of my last hope. Tor.
I found him lingering by James and Mary’s house. He straightened away from the tree when he saw me.
“I will not return the bottle,” he said without preamble.
I rolled my eyes and leaned a shoulder against the tree.
“Let me guess. It is poison and will kill me. If it’s so poisonous, why give it to James and Mary? Why let Cassie use it to clean wounds? It’s only poisonous in large amounts. And even though I had all those bottles, I wasn’t dumb enough to try drinking them all at once or by myself. You know the games we play at the parties.”
I could see a flicker of doubt in his eyes.
“I can’t, Hannah. I—”
“Are you excited for your date?”
His regret melted away, and he nodded, his gaze sliding to Mary and James’s house.
“I chose to go last so I would have more time to learn.”
“Learn?”
“Yes. I will watch my brothers attempt to win their females and learn from their mistakes.”
“Smart. If you want, I can help you.”
“You can?”
“Sure. We can have date dinners at my house, and you can practice on me.”
Stomach twisting and desperation clawing at my insides, I stepped closer to him and ran my fingers over his forearm.
“Anything you want to practice,” I whispered, my voice surprisingly steady.
His pupils dilated, and from my peripheral, I saw the front of his pants twitch.
“But I need something in return,” I continued.
His expression fell slightly.
“Hannah, I cannot return the bottle to you.”
“Not the same one, but you can get others. And you can control how much I drink so you know I’m not poisoning myself.”
His hand closed over mine, his fingers trailing over my skin before he gently removed my touch.
“I cannot help you,” he said softly. “Merdon is your best hope. I am sorry, Hannah.”
My lower lip trembled.
“Merdon is my best hope?” I let out an angry, harsh laugh. “Merdon isn’t trying to help me; he’s trying to kill me. And I wouldn’t be the first one he’s killed, would I?”
Turning my back on Tor’s shocked expression, I found Merdon watching me from several houses down. I hated him so badly.
“What was your friend’s name again?” I asked over my shoulder. “The one that Merdon and Thallirin killed?”
“Oelm.”
I faced Merdon.
“Yeah. Oelm.”
If my words hurt Merdon, he didn’t show it. And that made me even madder. Averting my gaze as if he wasn’t there, I headed home, seething and fighting not to throw up.
Sweat coated my skin when I let myself inside and found Emily pacing the living room. Her worried expression turned more so as she watched me take off my jacket. I could imagine how I looked. Like shit because that’s how I felt. I didn’t understand why I was sweating when it had been cold outside. The shaking I was used to popping up on occasion. A drink usually steadied me. But that was out, thanks to Emily.
The nausea was the worst, though. I couldn’t even tell her off for staring at me as I made my way upstairs. Closing myself into my bathroom, I barely made it to my knees in front of the toilet before I emptied what little there was in my stomach.
Again and again, I heaved. The muscles ached from the bruising force. By the time I stopped, I had no energy left in me and collapsed to the floor.
“Hannah?” Emily’s voice came through the door. “Do you need anything?”
A tear slipped from my eyes. She knew damn well what I needed.
“Fuck you. Go away.”
The words were barely more than a rasp from my raw throat. Why couldn’t I just die already?
Oh, right. I hadn’t suffered enough yet.