Emotionally spent and physically drained, I dressed slowly. How could just a few hours feel like a full day? Losing time seemed to be the theme for my stationary existence since the breach. No, not the breach, since Merdon barged in and started controlling my life.
While I was grateful for the upcoming reprieve from Merdon’s focused attention, I was smart enough to know there was some agenda to James and Mary’s lunch invitation. The old couple didn’t demand our presence unless they needed something. It felt like I was trading one giant, agile devil for two smaller, slower ones. Yet, whatever it was the old couple wanted was better than any other option I had.
Bundled in a cozy sweater and wearing soft jeans, I made my way downstairs. I noticed Emily was in the kitchen, wrapping something up. Merdon wasn’t with her, though. Instead, he stood staring at the dark TV in the living room.
“Works better if you turn it on,” I said.
He glanced at me, his gaze sweeping me from head to toe before shifting to Emily.
“Are you ready?”
“Yep, all set,” she answered.
She handed him the covered dish she’d been wrapping and went for her coat. I quickly joined her, slipped into my jacket and boots, then held the door for the pair. They looked so domestic together. Merdon, carrying the dish; Emily, smiling and thanking him.
He didn’t even scowl angrily when he looked at her. Why did that annoy me?
“Did James and Mary say why they wanted us to come over?” I asked.
“No,” Emily said. “Tor stopped by with the message, though, so I’m guessing it’s about the dinner dates. Since I already had lunch made, I asked him to let Mary know I’d bring the food.”
“Another dish for us to test?”
“Yep. I think you’ll like this one, too.”
My stomach growled its agreement, and she grinned at me. Merdon’s frown deepened, which I ignored.
“I saw the cookies still in the house. When are you going to Tenacity to finalize the hookups?”
She wrinkled her nose.
“Let’s think of something else to call it. Maybe something about the food so it doesn’t seem so…”
“Like a sex hookup?”
She gave me a look and nodded her head toward Merdon as if he wasn’t fully aware of the fey endgame. The only reason any of them wanted the dinner was to eventually have sex.
“What? That’s why very few of the single women stayed in Tolerance when we gave them the choice between here and Tenacity. They already know what the fey’s goals are and want nothing to do with them.”
“Exactly. The women from Tenacity are rejecting the fey without even knowing anything about them except that they’re different. That’s the whole point of the dinners: to give them an opportunity to get to know the fey outside of the whole ‘we want a woman’ perception. Yes, the fey are hoping for a positive end result, but they also want to be accepted for who they are. And, Mary and I are hoping this is a start of a movement to change the general perception of the fey as seen by the female population of Tenacity. We need a better relationship for our communities to survive long-term.”
A distant moo seemed to agree with her passionate outpouring. I hadn’t realized how much these dinners meant to her.
“Then call it a ‘dine and dash’ so the women think that’s all they’ll need to do. Talk up the food and the conversation starter cards you have, and downplay the company they’ll have at the table as no big deal. Make it sound like it’s a painless escape and way to get fed, and they’ll do it.”
Emily gave me a grateful smile.
“Do you really think so?”
“Yes. And you’re giving them food in the form of cookies just for talking to you. It’s like one of those no purchase necessary contests. You’re not forcing them to have dinner to get fed. They’ll just get more food if they agree.”
“Oh, I didn’t think of it like that. Yeah, it’s a good thing I made the cookies. Maybe I should make something else.”
“A canned good would help open more doors and give you a reason to have a fey escort. A fey presence, in a helpful way, wouldn’t be a bad thing.”
“I know just the fey,” she said.
I looked back at Merdon, who was following us.
In that single, sweeping glance, a new realization was born, and it had nothing to do with Emily’s talk of changing the female perception of the fey. Though, ironically, that’s what just happened because I’d noted the way his t-shirt clung to every hard muscle he owned and the way his worn buckskin pants encased his thighs. And most of all, how damn sexy all of that was, combined with the fact that he was still carrying Emily’s dish of whatever.
The idea of Emily taking Merdon, and the fear of him actually going, filled me with jealousy. It didn’t matter that he said I was his or I’d told him repeatedly that I didn’t want him. My feelings weren’t listening to my head. And, as much as I wanted to go back to the blind way I’d seen him before, I couldn’t. Merdon was damn near lickable, and that shocked the hell out of me.
First that weird tingle, then the kiss, and now this? Was I Stockholming him? My stomach dipped and refused to settle down the rest of the way to James and Mary’s place.
The door opened when we were two steps away, which I found as odd as James’s serious expression.
“Is everything all right?” Emily asked, obviously noting the same things I had.
He nodded slowly, his gaze flicking to me.
“Yep. Everything’s fine. Come on in. Ma’s got the table set.”
Emily and I took off our jackets by the door while Merdon carried the dish to the table.
“You are such a sweet man,” Mary said from where she was pouring juice into our cups. “Any woman would be lucky to have you. Not just lucky but grateful.”
That last word, spoken so forcefully, had me looking at Emily in question.
She gave me a slight “I have no idea” shrug before joining the others with me.
“Hannah and I were just talking about how I might get a few more volunteers for the dinners,” Emily said chipperly.
“Oh?” Mary asked. The tone and stiff way she motioned everyone to sit made her seem almost angry. She’d scolded me plenty, but I’d never seen her looking this upset.
Emily frowned at her and repeated her earlier question. “Is everything all right?”
Mary gave Emily a quick smile. “Of course, dear. Tell me your ideas.”
“Well, I’d baked the cookies as a way to soften up the ladies I plan to talk to and as an example of the food they’d get if they volunteered to attend the dinners. But Hannah made a good point about not wanting any of them to feel like they’re being forced into a dinner in order to get fed. She suggested offering a canned good for anyone willing just to hear me out. No strings attached.”
“Well, that seems nice. It’s a good gesture.” But Mary’s grandmotherly doting expression fell into a truck stop wayside as she looked at me.
“I didn’t think you had it in you to consider someone else’s feelings.”
The words stung harsher than any of Merdon’s spankings. My mouth fell open in shock.
“Mary, that’s enough,” James said calmly. “What’d you bring to eat, Emily?”
Emily glanced from Mary to me and back again.
“Um, something I was thinking we could serve for one of the dinners. Merdon and Hannah both enjoyed yesterday’s dish. I was going to have them test today’s, too, but then figured we could all do that since it made more than I expected.”
“That’s so sweet of you, honey,” Mary said. She looked at Merdon. “Isn’t she sweet?”
He grunted, his gaze flicking to everyone at the table. His expression might not have shown it, but I could tell he was just as confused as I was by Mary’s behavior.
“She’d make someone a fine partner for sure,” Mary continued. “Kind, caring, nice childbearing hips, and breasts big enough for some decent milk.”
Emily paused in the act of uncovering the dish she’d brought, a flush creeping into her cheeks.
“Ma, you’re making her blush. Cut it out.”
“I just think it’s important to help the fey see what they should value in a potential partner.” She turned to Merdon. “Make sure you let the rest know what I said.”
“I will.”
“The size of a girl’s chest doesn’t equate to milk production,” Emily said hurriedly. “Please don’t encourage false rumors.” She shot Mary an imploring look. “We’re going to have a hard enough time finding any willing girls, let alone ones with large busts and all the curves. Especially when we’ve been starved for weeks and are now barely eating the daily calories we need.”
“I know, I know,” Mary said. “I just don’t want any of the men to think that the right woman is one who would attack him in public for no good reason.”
My stomach dove to my toes as I realized why Mary was acting the way she was. Unable to look up and meet the accusation coming at me from across the table, I locked my gaze onto my plate.
“You should be ashamed of yourself, Hannah. I know you were raised better than that. Merdon has done so much for you, taken care of you when you refused to take care of yourself, and that’s how you repay him?”
“What’s going on?” Emily asked.
“Hannah attacked Merdon this morning. You didn’t notice the scratch on his face?”
Emily remained quiet. She had noticed but probably thought it’d come from one of our basement matches.
“He’s a good man and deserves to be treated as such. Now, apologize.”
My mind went completely blank for a moment before an overwhelming number of emotions and thoughts battered me. Yes, I’d lost my shit this morning. I shouldn’t have lashed out the way I had, but it hadn’t been a conscious choice. I didn’t know how to cope with all the shit in my head without alcohol, which Merdon took away from me. How was it my fault I went crazy? Especially since Mary had just acknowledged something was wrong enough that someone else had to take care of me.
I was angry I was the one getting yelled at here, but over that anger was hurt. So much hurt. Mary and James were supposed to have been my support. Twice, now, they’d let me down.
“No,” I said, lifting my head. “You both thought it was a good idea for Merdon to spank me and bite me, but when I do it back, I’m the one to blame? I’m not apologizing for reacting the way he’s been teaching me to react. But I am sorry. I’m sorry I came here, and I’m sorry I ever believed you could care about me enough to help fill the place of everyone I’ve lost.”
I stood and placed my napkin on the table.
“I’ll try your dish at home if you want me to,” I said to Emily.
James hurried to stand.
“I’ll walk with you.”
Ignoring him, I went to the door and grabbed my jacket. For a guy who usually didn’t get up and answer the door, he had a lot of hustle as he followed me.
“Take pity on an old man, Hannah, and let me use your arm,” he said when the door closed behind us.
Taking a calming breath, I stopped and helped him even though I didn’t want to. I’d known James long enough to understand he was walking with me to put in his two cents.
“It might not seem like it now, but we love you, Hannah. Mary’s just upset because she sees things differently than you. Honestly, we both do.” He let out a weary sigh. “Mary and I are deadweight. We contribute nothing to our little community. We can’t help get supplies, only eat them. We can’t protect anyone.” He nudged my arm he was clutching, “Hell, I can barely walk.
“Mary and I know we’re a liability, but these fey have never once made us feel that way. Finding a girl to settle down with might consume every waking thought they have, but they still help us even knowing there’s nothing Mary and I will ever be able to do to pay them back.
“They’re good people, and Mary won’t let poor treatment of such good people go without a strong word of discouragement.”
“And my poor treatment? You both encouraged him. I wore his handprint for hours. You saw his bite marks.”
“We also saw how bad it was getting and how much you’ve turned around in the weeks he’s been with you. Don’t you see? We were willing to do anything not to lose you. What’s a few thrashings in exchange for you?”
“You wouldn’t be saying that if it had been your backside,” I mumbled.
“I would. I doubt he would have been as interested in spanking me, though. Mary tried it once. Said I was too tough and didn’t squeal enough.”
I stopped walking to stare at him. He chuckled and winked at me.
“If you didn’t have even a moment of fun with Merdon, he’s not doing something right. Give him another chance. Or, ask him for a turn like Mary did to me.”
The implication that he’d been spanking Mary prior to her spanking him made me want to stuff snow in my ears.
“Please, please stop talking about spankings.”
“You’re the one who brought them up.”
“You have no idea how much I regret that now.”
We continued walking, and he patted my arm.
“Just think about what I said.”
“I’m trying not to.”
He chuckled again.
“About the choice we made to allow Merdon to try to help you. We’d been trying and failing. You know you were sick, honey. You still are. And if you let yourself reflect on it, you’ll see that you were taking your pain out on others, and that’s not okay. Now, I’m not just talking about Merdon. I’m talking about Emily, too. That girl has stuck with you through thick and thin, and how have you repaid her?”
He wasn’t scolding me in that same tone Mary had used. He was compassionate and softly spoken, all while patting my hand reassuringly.
“And what about Shax? That boy would have done anything for a scrap of your affection. You knew it, and what did you do?”
I swallowed hard, hating the way James was gently forcing me to see myself. Lifting my gaze, I focused on my house ahead and wished I could just shake loose of his hold and run for it. But, I couldn’t. I couldn’t be that past version of myself that he was painting for me.
He paused at the end of my sidewalk and released me.
“Look beyond yourself, Hannah. Everyone is struggling in some way. Your pain isn’t special or new. That doesn’t mean it’s not real or that you have no right to feel it. It means you’re not alone.”
Turning, he lifted an arm.
“Any volunteers to give an old man a lift home?”
Several fey stepped out of their hiding places to offer their help.
“Fyllo, come on over here. I appreciate the ride,” James said as the fey jogged over and gently lifted the old man. “We’re having lunch at my place if you want to come in. Just don’t take a shower first. Mary’s been having issues with dropping her fork when you fey are sitting around the table in towels.”
I shook my head and went inside, not knowing what to think about James’s talk, mostly because I was just so damn tired of feeling guilty for everything. Mary had thought the worst about my fight with Merdon because of my past actions.
Yes, I’d used Shax. I’d known it at the time I was doing it and had told myself I’d been doing him a favor by giving him attention. Hadn’t I hurled similar words at Merdon at one point? I’d treated all the fey like that. But, James was right. They were good people. I had always known that on some level. But, I’d let myself justify my actions because I’d been so fucked up in my head.
Hell, I still was. My skin crawled with the need to move, to escape all these awful feelings. I was angry, confused, guilt-ridden to the point of breaking, and…alone. Unwanted. Mean.
Standing just inside the door, I looked around at the empty house and knew I didn’t want to be there. I tugged off my boots and carried them through the house only to put them on again at the backdoor. I let myself out and headed for the nearest wall ladder.
No doubt, I had some fey trailing me. I didn’t turn to see who it might be. I didn’t want to see a fey I recognized and think about all the ways I might have wronged him. I also didn’t want to be told to go home.
So I climbed the ladder and took a seat on the wall, letting my legs hang over the outside edge. Nothing moved out among the trees even though the snow around them was well trampled. It wasn’t comforting that the infected weren’t out there. Quite the opposite, actually. I shuddered at what changes might be happening that we weren’t witnessing.
The cold of the metal underneath me slowly leached away my warmth. I began to shiver lightly but made no move to get up. I wasn’t ready to return home. Instead, I lost myself in the company of the wind and trees.
“You’re facing the wrong way if you’re here for a good view of the sunset,” a familiar voice said long after my toes had gone numb.
I looked over at Brenna, who was jogging atop the wall toward me.
“Not here for the view, just the solitude. No offense.”
“None taken.”
She also didn’t take the hint because she sat down beside me.
“What I saw this morning wasn’t pretty,” she said.
I turned to stare, unable to believe she’d just sit down and say something like that. She met my gaze and shrugged.
“It wasn’t, and you know it.”
“Of course, I know it. What I don’t know is why you’re here rubbing it in?”
“Rubbing it in? Never. I wanted to tell you I know that look you were wearing. The anger. The fear. The guilt. I saw that in the mirror for weeks. It might not be due to the same experiences, or it might be. I’m not asking you to have a moment with me and bond over shared pain. But I’m here because I wanted you to know that I understand what I saw this morning, and I know what falling apart looks like. I’ve done it. My mom’s done it. And I can say from experience that piecing yourself back together afterward can be rough. I’m here if you need a friendly ear or quiet company.”
“Thanks.”
“You don’t mean that, but maybe you will when you see my offer for what it is. Don’t isolate yourself. I promise you that closing yourself off is never the right choice.”
She turned herself toward me, a forceful glint in her eye.
“Talk to someone about what’s going on in your head even if you’d rather spoon your own eye out. In fact, the worse it feels to put it into the words, the more you probably need to talk about it. It won’t be easy but is anything easy in this world?”
“Nope. Not since the quakes.”
“If it was easy for you before the quakes, I envy you that. It wasn’t easy for all of us.”
She stood, shouldering her bow.
“Be at the dick pile tomorrow morning. One bad day doesn’t mean you can quit.”
She didn’t wait for my answer but walked away. I stared after her for a moment before turning my attention to the fading light.
She, like Emily, wanted me to talk to someone. But how, when I didn’t know the words to explain the thing eating me alive from the inside? It was volatile and uncompromisingly vicious when it stirred, and as today proved, it didn’t just hurt me. It hurt everyone around me. And Brenna wanted me to talk about what woke it. No, thanks.
I’d heard what happened to her. Rape. And her mom had some sort of accident that landed her in a wheelchair. Things happened to them. Choices were taken away from them. No one took away my choice with Katie. I’d made that demon through my own actions. Brenna might think she understood my pain, but she didn’t. Not really. No one could.
Except, maybe, Merdon.
He’d killed his friend. Someone who was supposedly like a brother to him. Yet, never once had Merdon shown any sign of guilt or regret. He didn’t wake up screaming or strike out at people like I did. In fact, as James pointed out, Merdon was helpful. To everyone but me.
I folded my hands in my lap and looked down at my cold-numb fingers, trying to imagine telling Merdon about what had happened. He claimed I was his, and in normal fey-speak, that would mean kindness, compassion, and doting. None of that was Merdon.
He acted like he hated me and often reminded me how awful I was to everyone around me. While he might understand what I’d done, he obviously hadn’t experienced the same remorse. He was, in general, cold and uncaring.
And he was my best option?