I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think. He was too close, and I was picturing me riding his face like Angel had suggested.
“I don’t know,” I stuttered. “I didn’t get enough sleep. Nothing is making sense. I’m trying, but my head’s not cooperating.”
“Try harder. This isn’t a game.”
“Right,” I agreed with an emphatic nod.
He didn’t let go as he continued to scrutinize me with his narrow-eyed stare. The persistent heat from his hands on my shoulders seared its way into my awareness. How was I supposed to do this with him for hours? I’d never make it.
I needed space.
The answer to my need came with the ringing of the doorbell.
“I’ll get it,” I called.
I tried to bolt for the stairs, but Merdon’s tight grip held me in place. His expression turned cold and angry, and I wanted to groan.
“Things are about to get really hard for me, aren’t they?”
As soon as the words escaped my lips, I regretted them.
“I mean, you’re going to be more ruthless now,” I said, growing flustered and fidgeting under his hold. “Did Emily turn up the heat? The basement feels warmer, doesn’t it?”
A flicker of confusion showed on his face before disappearing.
“Whatever you’re trying to do, it won’t work,” he said lowly.
I was saved from more. This time by Emily’s voice.
“Brenna’s here,” she called from upstairs. “She wants to talk to Hannah.”
I couldn’t contain my hope as I stared up at Merdon.
“Go,” he said. The soft menace and promise in his eyes let me know that I’d be paying for this escape later. I didn’t care. Free, I bolted for the stairs and arrived at the top of them, breathless and perhaps a little wild-eyed.
Brenna adjusted her hold on her bow, her gaze flicking behind me before settling on my face.
“Everything okay?”
“Yep. Yeah. Yes. Everything’s fine.”
Her gaze briefly shifted behind me a second time.
“You sure? Because when we talked last, I was under the impression you were going to meet with me this morning to practice some more.”
“Merdon wouldn’t let me.”
Oh, I knew I was stirring all sorts of trouble up with that comment, but it was the truth. And, it was worth it. No way was I going to lie and further enable whatever plans he had for me.
“Wouldn’t let you?” she parroted.
This time her gaze stayed focused on the spot behind me.
“Are you keeping her here against her will?”
I couldn’t help myself. I looked over my shoulder at Merdon. His angry gaze held mine.
“Yes,” he said. “Yesterday proved she’s a danger to herself and others.”
Brenna snorted.
“Yesterday proved that she’s a human with very human emotions. We’re all dealing with some crazy shit. Not all of us were stolen away to the safety of your precious caves and spared from the hell of our world falling apart.”
She looked at me.
“Do you want to hurt yourself?” she asked.
Guilt hit me hard.
“I might have in the past, but I don’t want to anymore.”
She nodded, no judgment in her gaze.
“And do you want to hurt anyone else?”
“Merdon, sometimes, but it’s only when he bites hard.”
Brenna’s gaze narrowed slightly on Merdon.
“Go get dressed, Hannah. I’ll wait for you.”
I fought not to grin as I fled upstairs. There was no way Merdon would stand up to Brenna because she was part of a package deal, and Thallirin wouldn’t take kindly to Merdon trying to boss around his woman.
It only took a minute for me to put on pants, toss my hair up, and throw on a sweater. Brenna was still by the door, glaring at Merdon when I returned.
“All set,” I said, noticing Emily’s worried expression too late to dampen my chipper tone. “I’ll be back in time for lunch. Promise.”
She nodded, her gaze shifting to Merdon. Brenna noticed.
“You’re welcome to come with us,” she said.
“No, that’s okay. I have stuff to do here. I’m planning to take a few things to Tenacity later, and it’ll need a bit of coordinating.”
“The cookies?” I asked.
She nodded.
“I’d love to help. If I’m allowed to go with you.” I looked pointedly at Merdon. “Am I?”
He stared at me, his expression impassive.
“Of course you’re allowed,” Brenna said. “A trip to Tenacity sounds fun. I think I’ll join in.”
“Perfect.” I grabbed my coat. “I’ll see you guys later.”
Brenna held the door for me and closed it behind us as we left.
“Your timing couldn’t have been better,” I said with a grin.
“So I gathered. Does Merdon often keep you from leaving?”
I lost some of my humor.
“He did the first few days when I was going through withdrawals. Once those were over, he let me out but always keeps a close eye on me.”
She was quiet for a long moment.
“My mom drank a lot after the accident. She wanted to forget the pain and what she’d lost,” she said. “It’s a tempting solution, at first glance. But a person never really forgets, you know?”
I did know. Even when I was drunk, I still knew why I was drinking. My sins were always there in my head, condemning me. The alcohol just made me care a little less at the time.
“I tried what you said,” I said, changing the subject. “Talking about stuff didn’t help.”
“Since I just mentioned that yesterday, I think it’s a little premature to decide if it was helpful or not. Especially if you tried with someone in your house. Not sure those two are the right crowd.”
I wasn’t sure anyone was.
We walked toward the practice circle in silence until Brenna swore under her breath.
“What?” I asked.
“He’s already there.”
“Who?”
She gave me a troubled frown.
“Merdon. Who else?”
I shrugged lightly.
“Fey follow women around. It’s just what they do.”
She stopped walking and grabbed my arm.
“They don’t try to trap them in their houses or bite them.”
“Yeah, the normal ones don’t. Merdon’s not like the rest. But then, neither am I.” I gave a slight shrug, his words from yesterday echoing in my head. Merdon was right about me not wanting Shax’s level of nice. But a little bit of nice wouldn’t hurt.
No, wait. What was I thinking? I didn’t want nice from Merdon at all.
No fey. No way. Yet, I’d broken all the rules that were meant to keep me happily unattached. Was there even a chance that I’d escape the fate that Merdon had planned for me?
“Given the state of the world, the odds aren’t in my favor that I’ll live to see my nineteenth birthday,” I said, thinking aloud. “The chances of me still being single until then are even slimmer. What would you say those odds are?”
“If you stay here? You’re as good as claimed already. If you move to Tenacity, maybe you’ll be able to stay single. Is that what you want?”
“What I want and what I need might not be the same.”
She gave me a small smile.
“It’s smart of you to recognize that. But, no matter what you think you need, no woman ever needs abuse. And I’m worried that’s what you’ll get if you stay here.”
I gave her concerns serious consideration.
“I don’t think so. I think Merdon’s giving me the distraction that I need right now while I try to figure out how to deal with everything that’s going on in my head.”
“There are better ways to distract someone.” She indicated her bow. “And he’s stopping you from that.”
I grinned at her.
“Is he? Because I’m on my way to practice with you, and he didn’t try to stop me once you said I was going.”
She sighed and released my arm.
“The fey are far too pushy,” she said.
“I agree. But not with women they don’t consider their own. You can be my muscle, and I’ll be yours if you ever need it.”
She snorted.
“Thallirin is a pushover, for the most part. All I need to do is hint at what I want and I get it. Even the freedom to make my own choices about going on supply runs and guarding the walls. Granted, he sticks to me like glue, but I don’t mind that anymore. He’s saved me too many times to poo-poo his protectiveness.”
She made it sound nice and far from clingy. Could Merdon be like that? Give me freedom and distance? I watched him as we approached and somehow doubted that. Merdon would likely be my worst nightmare. Bossy and demanding. Why did my heart stutter at the thought of that?
Ahead, I saw that Merdon wasn’t the only one waiting for us. Angel and Shax were already there, too. Before shame and guilt over the previous day’s flip out could slow my steps, Angel spotted us.
“Hey, girls!” Angel said with a happy wave. “We ready to shoot some more dicks?”
“I don’t like the way you smile when you say that,” Shax said from beside her, sending her into a laughing fit.
I couldn’t help grinning at his worried frown. When Angel wrapped an arm around his waist and patted him reassuringly, he seemed to forget his worries and bent to kiss her temple in response. It was sweet.
My gaze slid to Merdon, who was standing in all his glorious disapproval off to one side, watching me with an indecipherable expression. Some of my humor faded, and I wondered what he thought of me shooting at dicks. He probably liked it, the sicko. I smirked, and his gaze narrowed in response.
“Ready?” Brenna called.
Angel and I both nodded, and Brenna picked up two bows that were leaning against the plastic pile.
“One for each of you,” she said, handing the slightly shorter bow to Angel.
I looked at the one she gave me, impressed by the carvings along the shaft.
“This is beautiful. Who made it?”
“Who do you think?” Brenna asked before launching into instruction.
My gaze slid to Merdon again. He wasn’t looking at me. Instead, he watched Brenna demonstrate stance. Holding the bow he’d made for me, I did my best to focus on Brenna as well. It wasn’t easy when my mind kept going back to this morning’s question. Who was the real Merdon?
As soon as Brenna was done, Angel and I stepped up for our turns.
“I’m so glad Brenna talked you into coming back,” Angel said as we took aim. “I don’t know about you, but another day spent watching movies might drive me insane.”
She released with a twang and groaned when the arrow missed the melted rainbow pile completely.
“I wouldn’t mind a day of movies,” I said. “Nothing but couch time and buttery popcorn sounds like a dream.”
I exhaled and watched my bolt fly true to embed in the plastic.
“You’re good,” Angel said with a shake of her head.
“I think it’s luck,” I admitted. “Not something that usually applies to me.”
“I disagree. You’re here, right?”
I was, but I would never call that luck. I’d call it a combination of fate’s cruelty and my unforgivable selfishness.
“Focus,” Merdon barked.
I scowled at him.
“I am. I hit the target, didn’t I?”
“Do it again.”
“Pierce a dick, and prove you’re a pro,” Angel said with a wink.
“I like that you miss, Angel,” Shax said. “Dicks shouldn’t be pierced.”
“Oh, I don’t know about that. If you had a Prince Albert paired with a pubic piercing, I’d never want to leave our bed.” Angel tipped her head and pointed to her ear. “The piercings I’m talking about are like the one in my ear. My ear still works and looks pretty with it.”
Shax stared at her a moment.
“We would have more sex if I pierced myself?”
The horror-filled hesitation in his voice contradicted the hope in his eyes. She laughed.
“Don’t worry, baby. It would take a professional body piercer to do that, and as far as I know, that’s a skill that was lost with the quakes.”
His disappointment and relief were laughable.
“We’re going to Tenacity after lunch,” I said. “I can ask around to see if anyone has any experience.”
“Whatcha heading over there for? Need any help?”
“Not sure about the help, but you’re welcome to come,” I said. “Emily is planning on visiting some of the single ladies. She wants to put in a good word for the fey and drum up some volunteers for their dinner dates.”
“I heard about those. If you need an extra set of hands, I’m a decent cook. And I’m a great fey interpreter if things ever get awkward.”
She looked at me hopefully while Merdon watched us with his stoic stare.
With the bow in my hand, I ambled back to the house, taking my sweet time without trying to make it obvious.
Brenna was letting Thallirin know her plan to visit Tenacity with Emily and me. Shax and Angel would meet us at the wall after lunch. That meant I had at least an hour to waste. While I knew Emily would have something for us to eat, I didn’t want to leave any extra time that Merdon might be compelled to fill with basement activities.
He hadn’t said a word to me since telling me to focus, and that worried me. His silence was like the lull before a storm. And, I had no doubt there’d be a storm eventually. I’d escaped his plans for me this morning because of Brenna’s intervention, and I’d likely do the same for the rest of the day. He wasn’t going to like that. Even now, I could feel his angry stare boring holes into my back.
My spine tingled with the need to look over my shoulder. When I gave in, he glared at me suspiciously. Given that I’d been looking back at him every thirty seconds, I could understand his mistrust. I quickly faced forward.
The house loomed ahead, too close for my comfort. Tucking my hands deeper into the pockets of my coat, I looked back at Merdon again.
“Any chance I can go look at the cows?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“Because you need to eat.”
“I will eat.”
“You need to tell Emily that Angel wants to help and that she and Brenna are going to Tenacity with you. Or did you not think of Emily when inviting the others?”
I narrowed my eyes at him, hating what he was hinting at. Yet, he was right. I’d put my need to get away from Merdon before Emily’s feelings about her dinner dates project.
Staying the course, I headed for the house. Emily opened the door before I reached it.
“How’d it go?” she asked. The hopeful light in her eyes lanced me with guilt.
“Really well. Brenna’s impressed with my aim and says I might have some skill. You should come with me tomorrow.” I leaned the bow against the wall, hung my jacket, and kicked off my shoes before following Emily to the kitchen.
“I think I’ll stick with baking and let you learn all the dangerous stuff.”
“Shooting a bow isn’t dangerous.”
“What you shoot at would be.”
I laughed.
“You know we’re shooting at that pile of melted dicks, right?”
She cringed and glanced at Merdon.
“No. I didn’t.”
“Angel was having a good time. Shax isn’t a big fan of the target, though.”
Emily slid a plate toward me. It was a simple grilled ham and cheese, yet I knew there was nothing simple about it.
“Bread? Ham? How?”
She grinned.
“The bread was pulled out of a working deep freezer, which is now in the supply shed to help store all the stuff they’ve been bringing back. So was the ham. The cheese was in someone’s fridge. It’s part of one of those fancy wheels fully encased in wax.”
“I really hope that someone knows how to make cheese,” I said after swallowing my first bite. “And I really hope those cows cooperate.”
“It wouldn’t hurt to ask around about what people can do.” Emily looked off thoughtfully. “It’d also be smart to make a list of everyone’s skills. I’m sure Matt already started something like that since he knew that Cassie was going to school to be a nurse. We should ask him.”
I nodded, amazed how Emily was always thinking about the next thing that would help make everyone’s lives better. And there I was, just thinking of ways to avoid Merdon and my own misery. James’s words came back to haunt me. I really didn’t like who I was these days.
Merdon nudged me.
“Eat,” he ordered.
I realized I’d stopped and took a bite. As I chewed, something clicked into place. His barked orders always came when I was lost in dark thoughts.
I paused mid-chew to look at him. Even though he was eating, he wasn’t focused on his sandwich. He was focused on me. I’d rarely seen him otherwise.
“What do you think?” Emily asked. “It’s called a grilled ham and cheese sandwich.”
“It’s good. Thank you,” he said.
Courtesy. Kindness. How many times had he reminded me to show her the same?
“It’s so good,” I echoed. “Hey, Em, would you mind if Angel and Brenna tagged along with us to Tenacity? I think Angel’s bored and desperate for a way to contribute. When I mentioned the dinner dates, she was quick to offer her help cooking or with the fey to human communications.”
“Sure,” Emily said. “The more the merrier. I have about five stops planned. Between the cookies and the extra supplies, it’d be good to have a few more hands to help carry everything.”
I gave her a relieved smile.
“Good. They’ll be ready to meet us by the wall as soon as we’re finished.”
Emily hurried us through the rest of the meal with her excitement, and we were out the door a few minutes later. Merdon carried a large box crammed with supplies and plated cookies in zip-seal bags.
“Hey, Tor!” Emily called, waving at the fey who was lingering in the street. “You ready?”
He nodded and fell into step with our group.
I wasn’t sure we’d waited long enough for everyone else to do what they needed, but Brenna and Thallirin were already by the wall along with Eden and Ghua.
“Heard you’re going to Tenacity,” Eden said. “Mind if we come along?”
“Not at all,” Emily said. “It’ll make this a lot easier.”
We all understood what she meant when she started handing out the supplies we had to hold while the fey carried us. Angel and Shax arrived before she finished. When the couples started pairing off, Tor came over and picked up Emily.
“Thank you so much for volunteering to do this, Tor. Just remember to keep smiling like you usually do,” Emily said to him before they disappeared over the wall.
Holding the supplies she’d given me, I glanced at Merdon, who stood nearby.
“I’m going to have a hard time hanging onto all of this if I’m upside down over your shoulder.”
“Do you want to be over my shoulder?”
The way he said it sent all sorts of thoughts through my head. Mostly of the last time he carried me that way and rubbed my butt after he spanked it. A flush started at the back of my throat and climbed to my cheeks.
“I think that might upset Brenna.”
He moved closer, eating up the space between us.
“Does it upset you?”
“Sometimes.” The word came out a mere whisper.
He tilted his head, studying me, then picked me up and jumped over the wall. The sudden change in elevation made my stomach clench. He touched down and immediately started running. His speed intensified the cold wind whipping my hair and numbing my face. Turning toward his chest, I found refuge and warmth. And something else.
His scent filled my nose.
How did he smell so good? It wasn’t soap or sweat; it was just him. Breathing deeply, I relaxed into his hold. His fingers twitched on my arm and thigh, and my pulse spiked in response. He knew I was smelling him.
I closed my eyes and tried not to think. That just made everything worse.
It didn’t take long before that feeling of rising and falling had my stomach flipping. As soon as Merdon landed on the inside of Tenacity’s wall, he released me.
“Are you ready?” Emily asked. She looked at me, Angel, Brenna, and Eden.
“For what, exactly?” Brenna asked.
“The goal is to try to convince as many single ladies as we can into volunteering for a dinner date with a fey. The cookies are to open doors, and the canned goods are a thanks for hearing us out. No strings attached. We don’t want to give the message that they’ll only get food if they say yes to dinner. But we do want them to know they’ll get a great meal if they say yes. Again, no strings attached one way or the other. We don’t want anyone to feel like she’s being forced into spending time with the fey for food.”
“We’re here to be a dating service?”
We could all hear the disbelief in Brenna’s tone.
“No. We’re here to help improve human relations with the fey. They’re more than just guards. They’re lonely people with feelings, who are being shunned just because they’re different. The dinners are just one way to help people see past those differences.”
“I think I’ll take Brenna with me to see Matt,” Eden said. “I’ve been meaning to ask him about the last batch of new people. I need to make sure there’s no one else I know.”
Brenna paled slightly.
“Yeah. I’m going with you.”
She handed off the food she carried and quickly split with Eden. It only took two stops to wish I’d done the same. But, I remembered this wasn’t about me. It was about Emily and, more largely, the fey. So, I forced myself to stop staring longingly out the window at Merdon and Shax and focused instead on the conversation at hand.
“Tor is just one of the fey interested in testing out his conversation skills. You’d be helping fey like him learn how to interact with us. As a way of saying thank you, we will fix a meal for you to enjoy.”
The girl in question side-glanced at Tor, who flashed her a close-lipped smile. He really was good looking, and one of the nicest fey I knew. I didn’t understand why the woman was being so standoffish.
“It’s not a marriage proposal,” I said, my patience slipping. “It’s dinner and conversation. If you’re not interested, you’re not interested. Enjoy the cookies and canned goods.” I stood. “We have at least three more stops to make before we have to head back to help Mary with the next test dinner. What’s on the menu tonight? Beef Pot Pie with bread pudding and brandied custard sauce for dessert, right?”
I knew I had the woman when she quickly lifted a hand to stop me. Thankfully, she hadn’t noticed Emily’s panicked look when I’d stood.
“Wait. I’m not saying no. Is that really what you’re making?”
“Me? No. It wouldn’t be nearly as good as what Emily and Mary make. Trust me when I say you don’t want to miss one of their dinners. I had a grilled ham and cheese for lunch that made my taste buds sing, courtesy of Emily. The cookies are hers, too.”
The girl looked at the empty plate of cookies she’d inhaled. A full dozen. She was going to be regretting that gluttony later. Or maybe not if she had roommates.
“Okay,” she said finally. “Sign me up. But, how am I going to get there?”
“Don’t worry,” I said. “We’ll send a fey around when it’s your turn.”
“When will that be?”
Emily looked down at her small notebook with an excited smile.
“How does next Tuesday sound?”