“I can’t believe it worked,” Emily said, yet again.
I swallowed my mouthful of lobster mac and cheese topped with buttered panko crumbs and waved my fork in the direction of my plate.
“I can’t believe there was any hesitation on their part after sampling your cooking. Those women just needed a push in the right direction.”
“Thank you so much for being that push.” Emily looked at Merdon. “Wasn’t she amazing?”
He grunted and continued eating. My stomach flipped nervously, which I tried to ignore. I’d successfully avoided having any time for Merdon’s version of training and hoped to keep it that way. Just a few more hours to go.
After my last bite, I executed an exaggerated stretch and yawned loudly.
“What a long day. I think I’m going to shower, read a book, and turn in. I’m beat.”
Emily frowned.
“Already? I don’t think it’s even seven yet.”
I shrugged.
“Early day tomorrow. The girls and I are meeting up for practice as soon as it’s light because Angel wants to check in with Mary around lunchtime.”
“If you’re sure,” Emily said. “Do you have a book or need a new one? I have several in my room if you want to borrow one.”
“I’ll grab one,” I said, already hurrying from the kitchen.
I didn’t think of Emily’s locked door until I tried the knob and it swung open freely. Her room, like mine, was devoid of any personal effects. The curtains were open wide to let light in, and her large bed was neatly made.
Going to the bookcase she’d added to the room, I quickly perused the titles she’d collected. Her reading tastes ranged from horror and paranormal suspense to cozy mysteries and sweet romance and everything in between. There was plenty of selection. I just wasn’t sure what I was in the mood for.
One title caught my eye. Dealing with Demons by Melissa Haag. Grinning, I plucked it off the shelf and moved closer to the window to read the back.
“No, Hannah,” Merdon barked.
I looked up in confusion at Merdon, who stood in the doorway.
“Now you’re going to tell me what I can read?”
“Stay away from the window.”
I rolled my eyes.
“I’m not trying to get out the window. I was just going to read the back of this.” I held up the book.
He flicked on Emily’s bedroom light, temporarily blinding me.
“Stay away from the window,” he repeated.
I blinked at him, toying with the book I held. I knew he wanted me to stay away from the window because I’d scared him. If I wanted any freedom in my future, I needed to reassure him that wouldn’t happen again. More importantly, I needed to give him a reason to believe me.
Crossing the room, I approached him with my heart thundering in my ears. My fingers were steady as I placed them on his chest and looked up to meet his gaze.
“I jumped because I thought there was nothing left. That there was no other way to escape my guilt and shame. I can’t say I’m glad you stopped me because you’ve been a pain in my ass ever since. But I can say that I’ve learned a lot since then. Life isn’t meant to be easy or pain-free. We all have regrets and mistakes we’re trying to cope with. I wasn’t coping before, but I’m trying to do that now.”
His fingers circled my wrist and plucked my hand free of his chest.
“Go.”
I didn’t understand why there was a low warning in that single word, but I listened to it and hurried to my bedroom. He didn’t bother me as I got ready for bed or when I sat up, reading the book. It was good, really good, and spoke to that tormented part of me that I’d been trying to ignore. It also affirmed what I’d said to Merdon. We all had issues. Even the fictional versions of ourselves.
The hands of a dozen infected were holding me down, and I fought with everything I had to free myself as I screamed in desperation.
“Hannah, you are safe.” The firm words penetrated the remnants of the dream, and I untangled myself from the restraining sheets.
Panting, I looked around the room wildly.
“You’re safe,” Merdon repeated, reaching out to run a hand over my hair.
A full-body tremble shuddered its way through me, and I leaned into his touch hard before I came to my senses and scrambled from the bed.
I held up my hands as he stood, a shadow among shadows.
“No, I’m good. I’m fine.” The hitch in my voice said otherwise.
“Hannah, you have one minute to tell me what’s wrong before I throw you over my shoulder and take you downstairs where we will stay until you talk.”
“That sounds a lot like you’re asking me if we’re going to do this the easy way or the hard way?”
“Because I am.”
I groaned and turned a slow circle, shaking out my arms.
“Why do you always have to push so much?”
“You need pushing.”
“Do I? How do you know? What if I just need some quiet time?”
“You had quiet time before bed. It didn’t help. You’re still acting different.”
I stopped turning and sighed.
“Different. That’s a nice way of saying freaked out that all my freedom is going to be stripped from me forever.”
He tilted his head at me.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean you. I heard what you said to Emily in the kitchen. This isn’t just some fey crush. You have your sights set on me. Me. You’ve staked your claim and chased all the other fey away while my head was swimming with all my glorious narcissism. I didn’t see it, but now I do, and I want it to stop.”
He stood and stalked around the bed. I crossed my arms stubbornly, holding my ground now that I’d said my piece.
“Your freedom has already been stripped away from you forever,” he said softly. “You are mine, Hannah. No more running. No more hiding behind your past. You are mine.”
My bravado left me with the intensity of his words.
“No. Not me. I’m too messed up.” My nose tingled a second before the first tear slipped free. “Pick someone normal. I’m mean, remember?”
“I like mean.”
My pulse gave a jump, and I guiltily acknowledged that I wanted him to want me just as I was. Faults and all. I couldn’t change my past, and I didn’t want to let him go so he could find someone better.
“Are you sure?” I asked, sniffling.
“I want you with every breath and beat of my heart. But I’ve seen how you use other fey. I won’t be used, Hannah. You will not manipulate me.”
He wiped one of my tears away and gripped my chin.
“I’m going to sit down, and you’re going to come to me like you should have in the first place. If you don’t, we go downstairs. Do you understand?”
His attempt to intimidate me was far too successful because I could barely inhale, never mind speak.
“Do you understand?” he repeated with soft menace when I didn’t respond.
I nodded jerkily.
“Good.”
He went to his chair and sat like he’d said then watched me tensely, an angry, challenging light in his eyes. Did I want to fight him? Yes, but not in the dumb basement. I hated basement time. Not only did it physically exhaust me, but all of the touching confused the hell out of me now. Yet, sitting in his lap would do the same.
I’d hesitated just a little too long because he started to rise. With a startled yip, I scrambled onto his lap. He grunted, probably in pain because I wasn’t being careful, then settled into the chair, wrapping his arms around me.
A shaky exhale escaped me the moment his hand stroked my hair.
“You’re safe,” he said again.
From infected? Yes. At least, I was for now. But was I safe from him?
Definitely not.
I woke in my own bed, alone in my room, well after dawn. Yawning, I forced myself to get up and brush my teeth. If I didn’t hurry, Brenna would likely show up at our door again.
Finding the energy to move any faster than a crawl was impossible, though.
Every time I’d tried to climb off of Merdon’s lap to return to my own bed during the night, he’d tightened his hold on me. I’d finally given in to sleep after hours of fighting it. And drifting off in Merdon’s arms had been sublime.
I was in so much trouble.
Finished in the bathroom, I threw on something warm and went downstairs. Emily was sitting at the island alone.
“Morning,” I said. “Where is Merdon?”
“He left.”
I let out a relieved sigh and sat next to her.
“Be easy on him,” she said. “He’s struggling too.”
I snorted.
“How exactly is he struggling? He’s always getting his way.”
She gave me a long look as she got up and went to the oven.
“He told me that he talked to you about how he feels.”
“Uh…that’s not how I recall last night’s conversation. He told me he wanted me but that he wouldn’t let me manipulate him.” I tiredly rubbed my hands over my face. “And that was after I started crying because I told him he should pick someone else. He’s told me repeatedly that the other fey don’t want me because I’m mean. It’s like he’s being stuck with me. I don’t want to be someone’s last resort. I want to be wanted for me as screwed up as I am.”
“You’re not screwed up, and you’re not mean. You’re dealing with a lot and just need a little help, time, and understanding. He’s giving all of that to you.”
I gave her the best what-the-fuck-are-you-talking-about look I could muster.
“He’s helping you stay sober and keeping you distracted. He wants you but isn’t acting on it because he knows you’re not ready. And even when you have a moment and lash out, he doesn’t get upset. He knows you’re hurting.”
I stared at her as something else clicked into place. Merdon wasn’t the only one giving me help, time, and understanding.
“So, is there any chance that you like him back?” she asked after a moment of silence.
“Do you really think it’s smart for me to like anyone when I still hate myself most days?”
“Yes. Because before Merdon, you hated yourself every second of every day. Now, there are moments I see the real you showing through. The girl before the quakes. If Merdon’s the reason for that change, hang on to him and don’t let go.”
I looked down at the plate she set before me.
“You didn’t know me before the quakes.”
“No, but I’m guessing that back then, you didn’t walk around with a haunted look in your eyes while you tried to hide behind a beautiful smile. In these last few days, you’ve changed. A lot. When you smile now, it’s real. And I’m positive that’s who you used to be.”
I took my first bite of the homemade cinnamon roll and almost died.
“Screw Merdon. Marry me, Emily. Be my bwife.”
“Bwife?”
“Baking wife. You’re too talented for your own good. Some fey is going to take a bite from the wrong dish, and you’ll be hidden away in some house, feeding him all day long.”
She giggled.
“Unless I start serving raw meat, I doubt I’m in danger. But because you’re so sweet, here. You get a second one.”
I inhaled every last gooey crumb then licked the plate, which she quickly grabbed from me.
“That’s gross. Go grab your bow and get out of here.”
I grinned, sucking the sweet residue off my fingers as I left the counter.
“Please wash your hands before you touch that pretty bow.”
“Yes, Mom.”
She grinned at me, and I scrubbed away the gooeyness before grabbing my hand-carved bow and headed out the door for practice with the girls.
The sun was shining, the wind just warm enough for me to smell a hint of spring on the air, and the snow was melting from the blacktop. A great day to be outside. Soaking it in, I smiled at a few of the fey and hurried toward the meeting spot.
Merdon was already there, leaning against a house not too far away.
“Sleep in?” Brenna asked.
“I’d hardly call this sleeping in,” Angel said with a yawn.
“You’re the one who wanted to meet this early,” I said.
“Next time, remind me how much I didn’t like it.” She grinned and lifted her bow. “I’m ready to be deadly with this thing. Or, at least, look intimidating as hell before my target figures out that I can’t hit a thing.”
“Hannah, see if you can pick up from yesterday. I’m going to work with cupcake over here.”
“Cupcake? Well, I like you too, Brenna,” Angel said with a wink at the girl.
“I can hear the cellophane crinkling when you move. You’re probably not hitting anything because you’re afraid of smooshing your food.”
Amused by their banter, but not letting it distract me, I focused on what I wanted to hit, waited for the wind, then exhaled, and released. I missed, but not by much. Leaving the bolt where it struck, I tried again. And again. And again, until my arm cramped with strain and I had to take a break to stretch. Merdon and Shax were gone.
When I looked over at Angel, she was eating a cupcake.
“What?” she asked. “The baby was hungry.”
I rolled my eyes. “I’m not fey, and I’m not buying.”
She grinned.
“Shax doesn’t buy it either, but he doesn’t try to stop me from eating. He likes that I’m getting rounder and that the baby kicks when I’m well fed.”
“Maybe the baby is kicking you to tell you to stop,” Brenna said with a smirk.
“Be jealous, girls. I don’t mind.” She licked her fingers clean, wiped them on her pants, then went back to her bow.
Movement down the road caught my eye before I could do the same.
“Are they carrying someone?” I asked.
Brenna stood beside me for a silent moment.
“It sure looks that way, but something’s not right. Does that person seem stiff and lumpy?” she asked.
“Are you sure you’re talking about a person?” Angel asked with a snigger.
“I’m starting to notice a pattern in your conversation,” I said. “It’s either sex or food with you, isn’t it?”
“On good days, it’s both.”
Grinning, we watched a trio of fey jog our way. Brenna’s observation about the person over Merdon’s shoulder proved correct. Only, it wasn’t a person.
“Do we even want to know why you have a scarecrow?” Brenna asked.
“It’s not a scarecrow. It’s a knife dummy. Ryan suggested it.”
“Shax, is that thing wearing my comfy sweat pants?”
“I will find you comfier ones. I promise.”
She gave Brenna and me a dry look.
“He calls them my ‘no sex’ pants because when I put them on, he knows I’m not in the mood for ‘fun time.’”
I covered my mouth to hide my grin at Shax’s guilty look.
“Baby, I’m not mad,” she said, sidling up to him. “But you are going to have to make that up to me. It’s not okay to get rid of my pants because you don’t like them. I wore those when the baby was moving around inside of me and making things uncomfortable. They gave me comfort. Something your magnificent manhood can’t do when the little monster’s doing its best to make me miserable.”
“I’m sorry, my Angel. I didn’t understand.”
“I know. It’s okay. You can make it up to me later.”
He was so wrapped around her little finger it wasn’t even funny. The sad thing was that he seemed to be loving it.
I glanced at Merdon, who was watching me closely.
“I think the real question we should be asking is, ‘why do you have a knife dummy?’”
“A bow is good,” Thallirin said. “It can be used from far away.” He looked at Brenna. “Distance is safety. But sometimes, distance can’t be kept. I want you to learn to use a knife.”
My brows rose.
“A knife?” I asked Merdon.
His grunt paired with his expression spoke volumes. Yes, we’d be learning with a knife, and he didn’t like it. He was worried I’d do something stupid.
“Don’t look so skeptical,” Angel said. “I bet this will be fun. Are you going to show us how to throw it?”
“No,” all three of them said at the same time.
“We will show Brenna and Hannah how to hold it and how to use it to kill an infected.”
Angel frowned.
“Just Brenna and Hannah? What about me?”
“It's too dangerous, my Angel.” His gaze flicked to her belly.
“Don’t be naive, Shax. Do you think an infected will be like, ‘Oh, sorry, Angel. Didn’t see that you were preggers. I won’t chase you and try to eat your face anymore.’”
Brenna quickly turned her face to look at the wall behind her while Angel scowled at me.
“There's no need to be mean.”
“So I've been told. But I'm not trying to be mean. I'm being honest. Learning to use a knife on an infected is a survival skill everyone should know.”
“And,” Angel said loudly before looking at Shax, “Hannah is right. I’ve had to run from infected more times than I can count. I'm getting too big to outrun anything now. Even my bladder these days.”
“So didn't need to know that,” I said under my breath.
“It'd be smart for me to learn something that could save us both.”
She patted her stomach, and I knew she'd won without even having to look at Shax's expression. She was carrying the ultimate weapon for swaying fey thinking.
We stood back as the guys set up their dummy a fair distance away from the dildo pile. When they had it securely mounted to the rod Thallirin had rammed into the frozen ground with scary ease, Merdon removed a knife from his belt and held it out to me.
I looked at the blade glinting in the sunlight and felt guilt and fear surge forward.
“Focus, Hannah,” he barked.
“I am,” I snapped. “Does this mean I get my razor back?”
He said nothing, just continued to offer me the blade. I snatched it out of his palm and marched over to the dummy. Letting my audience fade from my mind, I tried to imagine the dummy was a real infected. If it were coming at me, what would I do?
I planted my left hand in its chest to maintain distance and thrust the knife upward into its stuffed head.
“Good,” Merdon said.
And it was good until I tried to pull the knife free, and it snagged on the cotton batting.
Just like Katie, my mind screamed.
My lungs ceased. I released the blade as if it had burned me and stumbled back a step.
Hands gripped my shoulders. A face crowded my vision.
“Stop,” Merdon said, giving me a slight shake. “You are safe, Hannah. You are here with Brenna and Angel. Breathe.”
I lifted my hand, showing him the empty, clean palm.
“It stuck.” The words trembled on unspent tears. “Just like last time.”
He pulled me into his chest, his arms wrapping around me. His fingers delved into my hair, rubbing my scalp and playing with the curls in a soothing way.
“Leave the past,” he said softly. “Stay with me.”