I leaned into Merdon, sheltered from the memories by his embrace. Slowly, the panic and fear faded, and my breathing steadied.
“Better?” he asked.
I nodded but didn’t pull away.
“I heard there’s a fight club forming,” a voice called.
Lifting my head from Merdon’s chest, I saw Eden and Ghua approaching along with a few other fey. Reluctantly, I stepped away from Merdon as Angel waved and answered.
“You’re at the right place. We’re shooting dicks and cutting cotton. You want in?”
“Heck yes!” Eden grinned even as Ghua winced.
I stood back and let the other girls have a go at the dummy as the gathered fey gave pointers to help with technique and execution. When it was my turn again, I was better prepared mentally and managed a few slick jabs.
Knife work wasn’t too difficult. Eden, Brenna, and I all had real world experience. We already knew there were only a few stab points that would work on an infected.
“We should teach them to remove the stupid ones’ heads,” a fey suggested.
“Not going to happen,” Eden said. “Way too much strength needed and far more splash-goo than any of us can handle.”
Angel gagged and held up a hand.
“No more,” she begged.
“Sorry. Didn’t know you were that sensitive.”
“I think it was the cupcake I ate. Too gooey.” She gagged again.
While Shax rubbed her back, the others debated what we should learn next.
“Hand to hand,” Merdon said finally. “The infected are getting stronger, faster, and smarter. We kill the ones we find. But if we miss any, the females need to know how to face them.”
His gaze slid to me.
“And they need to know how to fight in the snow and cold.”
Aw, hell. Outside basement time? I thought. At least I had more bite padding on.
“Okay,” I said. “What are the rules?”
Less than an hour later, I was panting as I watched Brenna circle me. When Merdon said “fight,” I’d thought I’d be fighting him. No. Instead of the fey coming at us, they had us girls fighting each other. Even Angel got in on it, but she had special rules. Like no knocking her down because no one wanted her to go into labor yet.
“You know,” she said from the sidelines. “Add some jello and fewer clothes, and we could charge for this.”
My gaze flicked to the fey spectators who’d gathered and were currently cheering us on. That momentary distraction was all Brenna had been waiting for. She launched herself at me. As I fell back under her weight, I was already planning my move. Using the momentum, I kicked my legs up and tumbled us so she was on the bottom.
I snapped my teeth in her stunned face then grinned at her.
“You win,” she said. “Where’d you learn to do that?”
“I’ve been tossed around a lot these last few days.” I lowered my voice even though I knew all the fey would probably hear me anyway. “A glowing ass is motivation to learn.”
She cringed sympathetically.
As the loser, she stayed in the muddied circle and waited for Eden. I gratefully moved aside and rubbed my neck. While that move had done the trick, it sure did a number on my body.
Strong hands closed over my shoulders and began to rub. I almost groaned.
“Thank you,” I said, glancing back at Merdon.
He grunted.
“That was some pretty impressive work,” Nancy said from nearby.
Uan held her in his arms. The pair had arrived not long ago. I was sure word was still spreading about our training sessions, given the slow trickle of fey that continued to appear.
“Thanks. I’ve had a good teacher.”
She smiled and nodded.
“The fey sure know what they’re doing when it comes to infected and fighting. I’d like to talk to you if you have a minute.”
Something about the way she said that last sentence made me feel like I was about to get some really bad news.
“Uh, sure?”
I glanced back at Merdon, who seemed clueless as well.
Uan carried Nancy toward the road, and I followed. When I saw her chair ahead and a shoveled path down on the blacktop, leading away from where Nancy lived, I knew this walk had been premeditated. As soon as Uan had her comfortably resting in her chair, he jogged back to the circle of fey.
“Brenna’s told me what Merdon’s been doing,” Nancy said without preamble. “She doesn’t like it. And I agree. It doesn’t sound good. But sometimes we don’t need good. Sometimes, we need a wakeup call.”
She propelled herself forward, and I kept pace.
“The old me would have minded her own business, but times have changed. We’ve changed. There are less of us to watch out for one another. So, if what I have to say pisses you off, that’s fine. Tell me. But, I’d like you to hear me out.”
“Okay,” I said when she looked at me.
“I don’t know what Brenna’s said about what happened to me, but I know she told you I had an accident and I drank a lot because of it. That’s oversimplified. The accident took my ability to walk, but left me alive. Not everyone who was involved was so lucky. There was a young boy. He’d only been driving for a few months. A car hit me. I hit him. He died. I didn’t.
“People kept telling me that it wasn’t my fault. That there was nothing I could have done differently. But, fault doesn’t matter when it comes to survivor’s guilt. I couldn’t stop the what-ifs. What if I’d stayed home that day? What if I’d sent Russ out instead of me? Would he have been able to avoid what I hadn’t? What if I’d stopped at the store first? What if I’d let the lady go ahead of me at the post office? The questions about what I could have done or should have done differently don’t stop.”
“Ever?” I asked.
“They fade. They become less frequent, but I still think of them. Not so much about the accident now but about what happened to Russ and Brenna because of those men.”
She stopped moving and looked up at me.
“What you’re feeling is normal. It’s not easy. Some days it’ll feel like you’re tearing yourself up from the inside, but that’s normal. Let yourself feel it. It’s the only way to move past it. Drinking, no matter how much it calls to you—and trust me, it’ll still whisper to you on your bad days—isn’t the answer.”
I looked off at nothing for a minute, letting what she said bounce around in my head.
“Survivor’s guilt?”
“Yep. That’s what my fancy therapist called it. Don’t try to deal with what you’re feeling alone. Talk to someone who’s willing to listen.”
I focused on her.
“You?”
She gave me a wry grin.
“Everyone needs a mama-bear in their corner. I’m more than willing to fill in for yours because I’d want someone to do the same for Brenna if she were as lost and suffering as you are, honey. I’m here if you need me. To listen. To tell a fey to back off. Whatever.”
She reached out and clasped my hand, her grip strong.
“Thanks,” I said.
She nodded, turned her chair, and headed toward Uan.
I wasn’t ready to tell the world what I’d done, but knowing that Nancy understood my pain helped me feel a whole lot less alone.
“You’re up,” Brenna called when I got close.
The fey cheered, and I groaned.
The fey needed a new hobby.
I lay on the couch, staring at the ceiling, my belly pleasantly stuffed from another amazing lunch. After the morning I had, I should have been sleepy. Instead, I was bored.
“If you keep sighing like that, he’s going to find something for you to do,” Emily warned me softly.
The “he” in question was currently absent from the house, which was probably part of my boredom. Not that I wanted Merdon annoying me. I just wasn’t sure what to do with myself when he wasn’t bossing me around.
“Nancy was there today. She asked me to go for a walk with her and offered to be my surrogate mom.”
Emily set down her book.
“Wow. That was really nice of her.”
“Yeah. Brenna talked to her about how Merdon’s treating me. Nancy seemed less concerned about that and more concerned about—”
I broke off, not sure exactly what I wanted to say to Emily.
She remained quiet, waiting for me to sort it out.
I sighed and rolled so I was fully facing her.
“She talked to me about survivor’s guilt. She had it with her accident and again when her husband was killed and Brenna was taken. I didn’t know that was even a thing.”
“Is that what’s going on, Hannah? You feel guilty for surviving?”
The pain crawled in. It would be so easy to say yes and to try to absolve myself of everything. But, Nancy was wrong. She just didn’t know it. There was fault. Katie was dead because I’d let her die.
“I wish the answer was that simple,” I said. “But, it’s not.”
“Merdon’s right,” she said, looking at me. “When you’re idle, your thoughts eat at you. As much as I hate you two fighting in the basement, it keeps you focused on things you have control over rather than dwelling on a past you can’t change.” She gave me an apologetic look before scaring the shit out of me by yelling for Merdon at the top of her lungs.
“Was that really necessary?” I asked, sitting up, heart pounding.
Before she answered, Merdon burst through the door. His fluid movement didn’t pause as he surveyed the room and located me. His gaze swept over my face as he came to a stop on his knees before the couch.
“Did you hurt yourself?”
“No. I’m fine.”
“She’s not fine,” Emily said. “She’s doing that thing you said she does.”
“What thing?” I asked.
“You lose yourself to the past,” Merdon said. “The past is dark and no place for you.”
He stood and extended a hand.
“Come.”
I made a face.
“But I don’t want to play spank-and-bite right now. My belly’s too full.”
“You can walk downstairs on your own or I’ll carry you over my shoulder. You’re choice.”
I glared at him, shot Emily the same glare, then slowly stood.
“I’ll walk to the basement, but know that my compliance is only under duress.”
“Just get down there,” Emily said. “You know you’ll feel better afterward.”
“Says you. You haven’t had Merdon spank you yet, or you’d know that’s a lie.”
Neither one seemed to care about my protests as I made my way downstairs. I looked at the mat and let out a whine.
“Seriously, I’m going to get a belly ache. Had I known you’d make me do this, I wouldn’t have eaten so much.”
“No, you are hungry. You need to eat.”
“Yeah, well, I’m going to be throwing up all that important food the first time you do that weird ‘toss the Hannah’ thing you do.”
I turned to face him and found myself sailing through the air exactly the way I warned him not to toss me. The landing was marginally softer this time, though.
Groaning, I looked up at Merdon, who was carefully pinning me with just his hips.
“See? You didn’t throw up.”
“And what would you have done if I had thrown up.”
“Feed you again.”
I couldn’t stop my grin at his absurdity. As he stared down at me, something shifted in his expression. And in his pants.
It wasn’t a small twitch, either. The thick length of him grew against me, giving credence to Mary’s claim of a rolling pin. He was huge. Like, bludgeon something with it, huge.
My smile faded. Teasing thoughts fled, replaced by an image of a different kind of wrestling we could do.
Gaze flicking to his mouth, I recalled the last time he’d kissed me. It’d been angry and intensely hot and had left me breathlessly confused and tingling in all the right places. Would I feel the same way if he kissed me like that again? My heart fluttered behind my ribs, and my breathing grew shallow.
Without thinking things through, I threaded my fingers in his hair and lifted my lips to his. He jerked in my hold but didn’t pull away. I brushed my lips against his. They were warm and firm with slight bumps due to his longer canines.
My fingers brushed against his ear, and his hips jerked against mine, sending a rush of heat through me. And a warning. I was playing with fire.
I pulled back and looked him in the eyes.
“I don’t know what I’m doing.”
“I know.”
“Should I stop?”
In answer, he dipped his head, nipping at my bottom lip. I returned the favor then licked the spot. He growled and pulled my hands from his hair, pinning them to the mat above my head.
I looked up at him, seeing his tense jaw and the way his pupils had dilated. Was this what Emily meant when she’d said he was struggling? Was he fighting his fey urges to bury his face, or other parts, between my thighs?
My insides clenched at the thought, and my body had a mind of its own in response. My legs wrapped around him as my hips arched into his. Cradled against my sweet spot, his hard length rubbed me just right. I gasped and went to do it again.
Except, he wasn’t there.
I lay on the mat, spread out like a starfish, and he stood near the base of the stairs with his back to me. I scrambled to my feet.
“What’s wrong?” I asked. “I thought you wanted that. I thought you wanted me.”
He didn’t say anything, just continued to stand facing away.
“What do you want from me?” I asked, my hurt and anger creeping in. “You say you don’t like being mean to me but yell at me all the time. You claim to want me, but you’ve taken off twice now. Dealing with my everyday Hannah thoughts is confusing enough. Don’t expect me to guess correctly about what you’re thinking or feeling if you’re unwilling to clue me in.”
“I already told you,” he said lowly. “I won’t be manipulated.”
“You think that’s what that was?”
His silence spoke for him.
“It sucks knowing you think so poorly of me. I’m not trying to manipulate you. I’m just trying to figure out how I feel.”
“How do you feel?”
I thought about it for a moment.
“Free. Alive.”
He turned toward me, a tempest of emotions in his gaze.
“Don’t toy with me, Hannah.”
“I’m not. I won’t.”
He stalked across the room and grabbed the back of my neck.
“My patience is limited.”
“I know.” I grinned at the irony.
His gaze dipped to my mouth, and a moment later, I was the recipient of another of his hot, intense kisses. It robbed me of thought and air. It ignited my whole body on fire.
When he pulled away, I could only blink at him stupidly for a minute.
“For the record,” I said when I could find my voice again. “I have never used my body to get my way. I knew that would be crossing a line I didn’t want to cross.”
“You offered hugs.”
“A hug was not what I was offering you just now. You know that, right?”
He grunted and looked into my eyes.
“You can’t offer what’s already mine.” His hands slid down my arms, prickling my skin in their wake. “I’ll have what I want…when I’m ready.”
He kissed me hard again then left me alone in the basement.
“Playing with it won’t make it taste better. Just put it in your mouth,” Merdon said.
If only he was talking about something else and not the food on my plate.
I gave Emily a reassuring smile.
“Dinner’s amazing. I think I just ate too much for lunch.”
I could feel Merdon studying me. Did he know I’d just lied? I sincerely hoped not.
“You’re restless. Do you want to go back downstairs?”
My fork slowed its idle poking as I stared at him in surprise. He hadn’t commanded it or said it angrily. In fact, he’d sounded downright hesitant.
“No. I think I’ll go read.”
He grunted and went back to eating his meal. I wrapped mine for later and fled to my room. While I might have evaded more basement time, I couldn’t escape my thoughts about what had happened down there.
I paced and tried to decide how I felt about how I felt. It was crazy to be attracted to Merdon. He was too much. There’d be no getting my way in any relationship with him. Did I care? I hadn’t gotten my way so far, and things were good. Well, except the spankings. I thought of the butt rub after the last one and amended even that thought.
So I liked everything he’d done to me? Not really. At least, not at the time he’d been doing them. But now, looking back, I saw his actions for what they were. An angry, intense man willing to do anything to save the woman he hoped to someday make his. If she lived long enough. And if he managed not to fill her with irrevocable hatred for him.
There’d been so many ifs in his plan when it came to the outcome of my feelings for him. But two things had never been ifs in his mind. The first was saving me. The second was that I’d be his and no one else’s.
I liked that. All of it. He took care of me even when I couldn’t or wouldn’t take care of myself. He put my needs first. Granted, I’d be overjoyed if he’d put my wants first, but Nancy had brought up a good point today. What I wanted wasn’t always what was best for me. Was I okay with giving up that control to someone else?
That was the real question. It wasn’t about how I felt about Merdon but how I felt about what being with him would mean for me.
Pacing my way into the bathroom, I got ready for bed then settled in with the book. It was the perfect distraction until my door opened.
Once Merdon entered, I couldn’t focus on anything but him. He looked me over then went to sit in his chair. I turned off the bedside lamp and studied him. Even in the semi-darkness, I saw the line of his strong jaw, the thick length of his thigh, and the enormity of the hand resting on it.
“Do you ever sleep while I sleep?” I asked.
“Planning on running?” he asked in return.
“No. Not anymore. I’m asking because it’s not right that you go without sleep just to keep an eye on me. You deserve sleep, too.”
I moved over and patted the empty side.
“There’s plenty of room, and if you’re lying next to me, I’m betting you’ll feel every move I make. There’d be no sneaking past you. What do you say? Want to sleep with me?”