Thoughts of the next day vanished as Merdon stood with a slow prowl that set my heart racing. He removed his shirt in a fluid motion and tossed it aside before reaching for the band of his pants. There, he hesitated, his gaze sweeping over my face. Whatever he saw caused him to join me under the covers without undressing further.
He pulled me close, and with a sigh, I rested my head on his shoulder. Safe and comfortable in his arms, and not as distracted as I’d hoped I would be, my worries returned.
“What are we going to do?” I asked.
“What do you mean?”
“Even if we find animals, how are we going to continue to live? How long do solar panels and water heaters last? Eventually, what we have now will break, and we’ll be back to depending on fire for warmth. How will we get water when water pumps start to go? None of that stuff is going to last forever. What happens when we have to leave Tolerance more than we do now in order to survive? What will the next generation do? How will they feed themselves through long winters? Will they need to migrate south just to be able to continue growing things?”
His hand stroked over my hair.
“My first memory is of a soft glow in the darkness. My brothers and I didn’t know where we were. We had no food, few weapons, and almost no light. We survived in the caves with much less than what is on the surface now. We will survive again. This time, we will do so with the humans at our sides.”
His words gave me a little hope, and only further proved that I needed to face my fears and leave Tolerance. Yes, I’d left it plenty of times to cross to Tenacity, but never to gather supplies. I’d left that risk to others.
Knowing that we’d be leaving in trucks that made noise, which attracted the infected, terrified me. My hold on Merdon tightened.
“Why’d you leave your pants on?” I asked.
“I want to be your focus, not your distraction from fear.”
“I’m pretty sure I would have been very focused.”
He grunted, and I ran my fingers over his bare chest, teasing the skin as much as I was memorizing it. He let me go for a bit before he caught my hand and laid it over his rapidly beating heart.
“Go to sleep, Hannah. Dawn comes early.”
I smiled to myself, liking this version of Merdon better than the one who spanked me with no good reason. Well, not any reason I’d liked. Although, he’d been right about the sting of pain motivating me. I cringed, recalling the few times we hadn’t been on the mats and his hand had still smacked my backside. I’d earned those for being a brat. Still, I wouldn’t have acted so badly if I’d known what was going on. I’d thought he was just acting like a mean son of a—
My eyes went wide, and I lifted my head to look down at him.
“Can I ask you something without getting spanked for it?”
His eyes narrowed suspiciously, but he nodded. I almost grinned but managed to withhold it.
“I swore at you so much and called you so many names, which I’m sorry for, by the way. Mostly.”
He grunted, and I could see the hint of a smile tug at his lips before he smothered it.
“No matter what I said, you never lost your temper with me. Except for one phrase that earned me a spanking every time. Why did ‘son of a bitch’ get me in trouble when all the others didn’t?”
“I have no memories prior to my life in the caves. None. No father. No mother. But I am someone’s son. I can endure your disrespect of me, but not my parents. That I cannot allow.”
In the dim light, I studied his serious expression and melted a little more for the man.
“I’m sorry I hurt you.”
He tugged me down for a gentle kiss then coaxed my head to rest on his shoulder once more.
“You were hurting, Hannah. When you hurt, we will hurt together.”
With those words, I acknowledged what I’d felt for some time now. I was Merdon’s, and he was mine. Heart and soul.
I drifted off a while later, comfortable in his arms. How long I remained that way before my familiar nightmare woke me, I couldn’t be sure.
Heart racing and covered in sweat, I jerked from Merdon’s hold.
“You are safe,” he said as I looked around the room.
I nodded and put my head back on his chest even as my eyes continued to search the shadows.
“It’s like Katie’s still there, waiting for me to take it all back. To make things right,” I whispered.
He ran his hand over my arm as I continued to tremble.
“Nothing can change the past, Hannah. You know this.”
I did, and I hated it.
Lifting my head again, I looked at him in the dark.
“Can you be my distraction just for a minute?”
His hand stilled.
“And I don’t mean taking me to the basement. That’s not the distraction I want.”
I trailed my hand from his chest to his stomach, reveling in every twitch along the way. He stopped me just after I passed his navel.
“Please,” I whispered.
He growled, and a second later, I was pinned under him. This time I reveled in the feel of his weight pressing down on me even as his lips brushed the skin over my collarbone. The sensitive spot was one of the places he’d often nipped while we were on the mats. My breath quickened, and I threaded my fingers in his hair in anticipation. He didn’t disappoint. A zing shot through me at the first nip of his teeth, and I moaned. He licked the spot and moved further south, his lips caressing my skin until he reached the scooped neckline of my cami.
He lifted his head and looked down at me.
One little nibble and a trailing kiss already had me panting. Merdon was no mere distraction. He was the air I breathed.
“More,” I whispered.
He dipped his head again, bit my shirt, and tugged it low enough to expose one breast. The hot, flat stroke of his tongue set me on fire, and I let out another groan when his mouth closed over the peak.
When he pulled back, I took his face in my hands and leaned up to kiss his lips softly.
“This is me focused on you, Merdon. I will choose to face my fears tomorrow, but don’t let me do that without experiencing you. All of you. Life is fragile, and neither of us knows what will happen. Give me this. Please.”
He growled and kissed me savagely. His tongue stroked mine, each thrust imparting his need for me, and I knew this wouldn’t be sweet lovemaking. Not this time. He proved me right by grabbing the front of my cami and pulling hard. The straps bit into my shoulders before the material gave way.
Breasts fully exposed, I waited for him to end the kiss. He didn’t. He continued to consume me hungrily as his hand roved to my shorts.
I broke away.
“Wait,” I panted. “Clothes aren’t endless. Let me take them off.”
He pulled back and looked down at me. The angry light in his eyes and dilated pupils made him look feral and out of control. That didn’t bode well for my shorts.
I tried removing my hands from his hair, but he grabbed my wrists and held my hands over my head.
A knee wedged between my legs, separating them. The second joined the first. Then he settled his hips against mine. Each movement was a methodical exercise in control that heated my blood because I could see how much he was struggling.
The devil in me demanded we test him and the thick feel of his length pressed against me. Merdon read my intent in my eyes, though, because his free hands clasped my hip and stilled me before I even started.
“Do not move, Hannah.”
His rough voice abraded my senses, and I shivered with need.
He bared his teeth at my reaction and forcefully arched into my hips, giving me what I’d wanted. A whimper of pure bliss escaped me.
“You are mine. You will listen to everything I say and do nothing until I tell you. Do you understand?”
I nodded, tingling in anticipation from head to toe.
“Now and always, Hannah. In bed and out of bed. Do you understand?”
I nodded again, not caring what I was agreeing to. I was that desperate for him to touch me again.
He dipped his head and took my other breast into his mouth. I panted then squeaked when I felt the gentle scrape of his teeth.
“Quiet or I stop.”
I did my best to remain silent as he did his best to get me to make a noise again. Liquid pooled between my legs, and I ground against the hard length nestled there.
“Be still,” he warned.
It nearly killed me not to rub against him again as I lay there, throbbing with need.
“Please. Let me take my shorts off.”
“No.”
He released my hands, skimming his palm down my side and hooking his fingers into the waist of my bottoms. He tugged them down slowly, his mouth skimming from my breast to my stomach to my navel as my shorts traveled the length of my legs.
I was shaking by the time he had them off and his breath was fanning my core. He drew my right knee up to my chest, caressing my inner thigh along the way. Guiding me, he had me hold that leg then the other until I was spread wide for him.
A flash of embarrassment over the position passed quickly when his tongue caressed my soft folds and his fingers found my entrance.
“Quietly,” he whispered.
It was the only warning he gave before unraveling my existence and reshaping me into a new version of myself. A version that couldn’t imagine a world without Merdon. A version that needed his touch more than it needed its next breath.
He brought me to the brink again and again until I forgot to hold my legs and my hands roved wildly over his head. When I accidentally brushed his ear, he bit my inner thigh in warning. I almost came then.
“Please,” I begged. “Please.”
He growled and was on top of me. I tasted myself on his lips as he kissed me savagely and settled his naked weight on my hips. I didn’t have time to wonder when he’d ditched his pants before the head of his massive erection was pressing into my center. Slick from my need, my body welcomed him even as my channel stretched to accommodate his size. In and in he slid. I felt every ridge and bump stroking me, building the fire burning inside of me until he was fully seated.
He shook on top of me, and I looked up at his strained, shadowed face.
“Do not scream,” he warned.
“Why would I—”
He pulled out and thrust back in, no coaxing or patience left in him. My eyes went wide, and my mouth fell open when he filled me to the point of pain. Then he retreated again, only to return.
I gasped at the bruising force even as more heat flooded me. He growled, paused, and wrapped one of my legs around his hips to adjust my angle. The next thrust, while no less forceful, seemed to have more room. He grunted in satisfaction and proceeded to drive into me ruthlessly. I held on for dear life, letting the building pleasure in my core pulse my inner walls. He set a wild pace.
The bed squeaked and hit the wall, but I remained silent as promised. I wanted to be loud. I wanted to howl my pleasure, but I was too afraid he’d stop and rob me of what I wanted most.
I could feel him getting closer. His head swelled. His thrusts grew shallower. My insides tightened. The first jerk of his cock inside of me set off fireworks in my body and behind my eyelids. His lips muffled my scream as I came apart in the mother of all orgasms. Then, his lurching strokes slowed when he emptied himself completely.
Heart thundering in my chest, I lay under him, completely spent and unable to move.
He claimed my lips for another slow kiss and rolled us on our sides so I was curled in his arms.
“Sleep now, Hannah.”
It was an easy command to follow.
He woke me before dawn with his hand splayed over my belly, stroking my skin.
“If there was time, I’d lick your pussy again,” he murmured in my ear, “and thrust into you until you quiver around me.”
My insides clenched.
“I like when you quiver.”
He nipped my ear.
“Do you remember your promise, Hannah?”
I blinked, trying to focus. He was doing things to my ear that no one had done before, and it was beyond distracting.
“What?” I breathed.
“You promised to listen. To do exactly what I said. Do you remember?”
I nodded, eager for round two.
“Good,” he said with a light swat on my backside. “Get up and shower. Be downstairs in five minutes. We need to leave.”
He rolled from the bed, leaving me turned on and confused.
“What?” I asked sitting up. “We have to go already?”
He paused, his heated gaze sweeping over my breasts. I let him look his fill, then reached up to caress my nipple.
“It could be fun,” I said, watching the thick length of him harden.
He considered me for a long moment and slowly shook his head.
“You are my distraction, too, Hannah, and today, I need to focus. We will have more fun when we return tonight.”
He showed his commitment to self-denial by tugging his pants back on.
“Are you going to let me make some noise then?”
“No.”
“Why do I have to be quiet?”
“It upsets Emily when you scream.”
That didn’t seem like Emily. She was more the type to either high-five me or quietly leave the house to give us privacy. She’d never begrudge me having a good time.
I frowned at him, wondering why he thought that until I remembered the conversation I’d overheard in the kitchen.
“She didn’t like hearing me scream in pain and fear when you spanked and bit me. The screaming I’d do now would only be from pleasure. That wouldn’t upset her. Well, not the way the basement time did.”
He considered my words and grunted.
“I will ask her to be sure.”
I snorted.
“You do that.”
Getting out of bed, I looked over my shoulder at him.
“Why do I have to shower and you don’t? You could join me.”
I loved the way his gaze heated at the thought.
“I will shower later when I can kneel at your feet and taste you until you beg and say my name. Then we will return to the bed and I will—”
I held up a hand.
“Nope. You’re just teasing me now. You better deliver on all your promises or you’re the one who’ll get bitten next.”
Even under the straining confines of his pants, his dick twitched. I grinned and walked away, already thinking of what I’d bite first.
It wasn’t until I was headed downstairs that I remembered what awaited. Leaving. The idea scared me, but not with the complete hopeless terror that had ruled my life for so long.
I still knew there was a very real chance I could die out there. But I’d also heard what Nancy was saying yesterday. I couldn’t keep hiding from my reality. Like the drinking, hiding wouldn’t make the truth go away.
Emily had hot cinnamon rolls waiting on the counter for me when I appeared.
“Any chance you’d rather stay here and help me make more of these today?” she asked.
The dark circles under her hopeful eyes made me feel guilty. Instead of sitting, I moved around the counter and hugged her tightly.
“I need to go. I don’t want to be the person I’ve been since I got here, anymore.”
“But you’re not.”
“I’m starting not to be. But I need to finish. I need to face the reality of what’s out there and stop hiding from it. Let me do this.”
She pulled back and looked into my eyes before nodding.
I gave her another quick hug and grabbed my roll to go since Merdon had already finished his.
“We’ll be back before dark,” he promised Emily.
“Okay.”
She looked so sad and unhappy as I started for the door. I couldn’t leave her like that.
“Hey, would you mind if I screamed a little during sex?”
Her expression went blank before disbelief then humor painted her features.
“I’ll pound on the walls if I want you to take it down a notch,” she said. “I’ll make sure it’s loud enough that you’ll hear it over the bed squeaking.”
I laughed as I left and hoped I’d return in the same mood.
Merdon carried my bow and a quiver I’d never seen before so I could finish eating my roll. It sat heavy in my stomach and churned with my worry, but I didn’t regret eating it. If I was going to die today, I’d die happy. Merdon and I were good. So were Emily and I. Even Mary had pretty much forgiven me for my bad behavior, even though the behavior that set her off hadn’t been my fault.
I licked my fingers clean then took my things from Merdon.
“Are you worried?” I asked him.
His gaze lingered on my face before he focused on the road once more.
“I will always worry about you,” he said. “I worry less knowing that you will listen.”
I grinned slightly.
“I think I like getting bossed around in bed. I’m not sure about daily life, though.”
His scowl deepened.
“Do not test me, Hannah.”
“Wouldn’t dream of it.”
We reached the wall and found the volunteer fey already mingling there, having quiet conversations. Brenna and Thallirin were still missing.
“How many humans will be on this trip?” I asked Merdon, my gaze on the excited Tasha, who was talking animatedly to Uan.
“Five. You, Tasha, and Brenna will ride in the two trucks with Garrett and Ryan.”
It reassured me to know there wouldn’t be many of us. That meant more fey paying attention to our safety.
As soon as the missing members joined us, Merdon picked me up and jumped over the wall. The sudden drop to the other side didn’t help settle my stomach. I tucked my face into his chest as he ran and waited for the second jump.
Matt was waiting inside Tenacity’s walls when we arrived.
“Morning,” he called. His observant gaze caught on me. “You look like you’re doing better, Hannah.”
“I am. Thank you.”
He nodded and handed Ryan two keys.
“They’re all yours. We’re ready to welcome whatever stock you want us to watch over for you.”
“How’s the last haul of feed holding up?” Ryan asked.
“Good. That farmer has been a real help in educating all of us on how to care for the cows. This plan to share knowledge is a good one. The three fey who’ve been coming over daily seem to be more accepted now than when this all started. Hopefully, the other things that Emily’s working on will help too. How’s Mya?”
“Getting better now that she’s almost out of the first trimester but still a little green around the edges.”
Matt nodded.
“My wife was the same with our first. Morning sickness completely went away during the second half.”
I realized then how little I knew about Tenacity’s leader.
“I’ll let Mya know there’s hope then,” Ryan said with a grin.
“There’s more hope today than there was yesterday. That’s all we can ask for.” Matt shook Ryan’s hand then headed toward men stationed at the wall to help them with the new, heavy gates.
We loaded into the trucks and pulled out of Tenacity as the sun broke over the trees. The clear sky and brown spots poking through the snow in the fields gave me plenty of hope for a good day. That, along with the complete absence of infected, almost made the world seem normal.
“First time on a supply run?” Garrett asked.
“Yeah. I’m trying not to overthink it and freak myself out. Last I heard, the traps were getting worse for you guys.”
“Yeah, the infected are trying harder, but we’re still smarter. All they’re doing is helping the fey thin their numbers before they run off.”
“They run off?”
He nodded. “They’re smart enough to know when a trap is failing. Those that can, bail.”
“It reminds me of something my dad said about fishing.”
“What’s that?”
“You release the big ones so they can breed and make more fish.”
I tore my gaze from the landscape and looked at Garrett.
“Completely different, though, right?”
“Right.”
The second he’d hesitated before answering was more honest than his response.
I told myself I had nothing to worry about as I looked out the window at Merdon. He would keep me safe. They all would.
He and Thallirin ran side by side, leading the caravan as the rest of the fey spread out around the trucks.
We drove for almost three hours before Thallirin signaled with a lifted arm. The trucks began to slow with the fey. Merdon continued on at the same pace. My heart clenched to see him running away from me.
The stretch of road appeared clear. Yet, that wasn’t what worried me so much as the tree-lined ditches. I understood that Merdon was probably scouting ahead because we were getting close.
“Why does Merdon have to go alone?” I asked softly.
“Because he’d rather the rest of the fey guard what’s most important to him while he’s not here to do it himself.”
I glanced at Garrett and offered him a weak smile.
“Who’s going to protect what’s most important to me?”
“He will. Don’t worry. He knows he needs to come back. He wouldn’t have brought you out here if he thought he couldn’t keep both you and himself safe.”
I focused on the trees as Merdon veered off the road. For several moments, there was nothing. When he reappeared, though, I could see the dark stains on his clothes even from this distance.
He signaled it was clear, and Garrett eased the truck forward after the fey. Merdon didn’t run ahead again but waited for the truck to pass him and jumped up next to my window. Blood dotted his face.
I set my hand to the window as if I would touch his cheek.
“You be careful,” I warned through the window.
“You will do as you’re told.”
I rolled my eyes even as my insides clenched.
“I already promised. What exactly do you think I’m going to do? Jump out of the truck and go running through the trees? Hell, no. Been there and still have nightmares about it. Give me some credit. I’m smart, no matter what you say.”
He tilted his head at me.
“You’re smart when you think, not when you react.”
“Gee, thanks.”
He grinned at me then jumped down. I stared after him in shock as he ran to catch up to Thallirin.
“I think that’s the first real smile I’ve seen from him,” I said to Garrett.
“And I think that’s the first real smile I’ve seen on you,” he said.
I realized I was smiling and settled back on my seat.
“It’s weird,” I said. “I thought life was over. Instead, Merdon’s proving I’ve barely begun to live.”
My heart thrummed with the possibilities of a future with him, and I remembered the way his hand had rested over my stomach when I woke this morning, and my pulse stuttered erratically. I didn’t want a baby. I was too scared and unsure who I was yet. But, someday, maybe, I’d be able to give Merdon the world he wanted.
“Shit!”
Garrett braked hard.
I’d been so caught up in my hopes for the future that I hadn’t registered the scene as the truck pulled into the long, gravel driveway.
A trail of blood and dead cows led to a cluster of infected grouped around the barn near the silo. The way the infected rocked slightly as they stared at the structure was beyond weird and not how I remembered them behaving.
My gaze flicked to Merdon, who studied the infected with the rest of the fey. With his back to me, I couldn’t see his face. Why weren’t the fey telling us to run?
The dead cows disturbed me. But the way the infected were acting, swaying and ignoring the sounds of the idling trucks, terrified me. They didn’t do that. Noise drew them. Always.
Garrett seemed to have the same thought because he cut the engine.
In front of the fey, the infected stopped swaying.
One by one, they turned. Over one hundred milky white eyes focused on our caravan.
A small, panicked noise escaped my lips.