I can’t sleep.
I lie in bed in the morning with this cavern inside me. A piece missing. The piece that knew how to be the virgin, but doesn’t know how to not be one. I don’t regret sleeping with Kurt, but somehow I thought I’d feel different—be different. That’s all Lilith ever talked about. It’s all anyone ever talks about. How sex is some kind of transformation into adulthood. How it makes you no longer a child.
But I don’t feel grown up. I don’t feel Lilith’s fire.
All I feel is uncertainty and dark. I’m not even sure what I’m supposed to do when I see Kurt. What does yesterday make us? We aren’t nothing, but I don’t know that we’re something, either. He doesn’t know me. No one knows me. Not the invisible parts. And yesterday feels like one more phantom piece of skin.
I get dressed and drive to school early. There’s a mist clinging to the leaves, hiding everything. I stand near the east entrance of school, watching the mountain as the fog yawns. It stretches thin with the wind, revealing a blush of maple orange beneath it. Only a moment later the clouds cover that whisper of gold like it never existed.
For a moment it feels like yesterday didn’t happen. Or at least, it feels like I could pretend it didn’t, and I could sweep it under the fog and go back to who I was before. I texted Lilith and told her to drive to school without me this morning, because I haven’t figured out how to tell her. If I’m going to tell her.
I’d rather walk into those mountains, where the lips of the fog can eat me.
In the library I sit by the window and pull out my English homework. I can’t see the soccer field from my angle, and I wonder if I should go and wait for Kurt. Am I supposed to wait for him before school now? I attempt to read, but my mind keeps drifting to Kurt and yesterday’s ocean, of floods, and music, and this empty place inside of me.
“That book must be really good.”
I startle and see Abe standing at the edge of my table.
“Oh, it’s, uh . . .” I wave the book around, searching for words.
“Riveting, I can tell.” His white shirt is pressed and curls hang in his eyes. “You haven’t turned a page for about thirty minutes,” he says, sliding onto my seat with me and taking my book. He smells like fabric softener and closes the novel without marking the page. “What’s up, M? You’re never at school this early.”
I shake my head and look at the fog.
“What’s wrong?” he asks, and I suddenly wonder if I am different. If I can’t hide this. My eyes feel wet and I grit my teeth to keep it inside.
“I’m fine,” I manage, and he doesn’t push it. He leans his shoulder against mine and sits there like we’re in the grass counting dandelion seeds caught in the sun. The pressure of his shoulder makes me want to unsnap each of his buttons and resnap them back up again. Run my finger over his collarbone. I don’t know if it’s Abe’s collarbone I’m thinking of or Kurt’s, just that I want the contact.
I shiver and he looks up.
Is this what Lilith meant? That need for contact. Touch. Like it could hold us together again? I shake myself, not wanting to accept anything Lilith’s said, and unsure what to do with this burn in my skin. I can’t tell if this heat is really for Abe or if I’m mixed up because of Kurt or if it’s stupid hormones.
“Hey,” Abe says quietly, keeping his weight on my shoulder but looking out the window. “Did I ever tell you about the first time I shot a gun?”
I pinch my eyebrows at him. “What? What does that have to do with anything?”
“Have you ever shot a gun?”
“No.”
“It’s freaky,” he says, and I laugh a little, but he’s serious about this. “I was eleven, and my dad took me to the practice range behind the police station. He wanted to teach me about guns so I’d be comfortable around them, since he’s always got one on his belt when he’s on duty. Plus there are three more in our house.
“But the second he pulls out that .22, I don’t want to touch it. I hate it even more when he forces me to take it and I see how small my hand is holding it.” Abe stretches out his fingers and starts massaging his palm. Like maybe he remembers holding the gun.
“I ask my father if it’s loaded and stupidly I flip the gun over to look down the barrel. He rips it away from me so fast I think I’m a criminal he’s disarming. ‘Of course it’s loaded!’ he yells at me, and starts lecturing about how guns aren’t toys, which I know, because he tells me every day of my life.” Abe crunches his hand into a fist. “So he proceeds to show me the bullets, and where the safety is, and how I’m supposed to hold it with two hands and not one. And then he puts it back in my hand, points me at the target, and asks: ‘Are you afraid of it?’
“ ‘Are you afraid of it?’ ” he says again, tapping the bottom of his fist on the tabletop, each tap punctuating a word. “I’m holding this gun, and even with two hands it’s heavy. It’s nothing like the plastic water toys my friends and I used to run around the woods with. And I want to tell him I’m fine. I want to be comfortable with this the way he is. But it’s loaded. It has real bullets in it. And as much as I don’t want to disappoint him, I tell him the truth. ‘Yes,’ I say. ‘It scares the shit out of me.’ I swore and everything.” He smiles for a second, but it drops quickly. “And I’ll never forget this: He looked at me with this stone-cold face and said, ‘Good. If you’re afraid of it then you’ll respect it.’ ”
Abe looks at me, and my pinkie hooks itself in his. It’s the slightest touch, but somehow it feels like the right thing to do in this moment.
“Did you shoot the gun?” I ask quietly, and he nods.
“Yeah. It felt like it was going to take my arm off.” His pinkie rubs lightly against mine. “I was so rattled I wouldn’t even pick up a water gun after that.”
“Have you ever shot a gun again?”
He shakes his head no.
“Would you?”
“Not unless my life depended on it.”
He leans on his elbows and looks at our pinkies hooked together.
“Why’d you tell me that story?” I ask, and when he looks at me I can feel the energy sparking between us.
“Because you’re not the only one who’s scared of something.”
He’s too close when he says that. The silver buttons on his shirt only inches away. I should be angry at him for knowing that and for pointing it out. But that’s not what I feel. I feel this tug I don’t understand and I’m thinking about buttons again. Undone. Redone.
He smiles, but I can’t think about Abe this way. I’ve got Kurt. I slept with Kurt. Only, I wonder what it would have been like if yesterday had been with Abe. His curls tickle the edge of his eyebrow and I reach for my book to occupy my hands.
“You want to skip first period and go get coffee?” he asks, and I could burn up from the way he’s watching me.
“Since when do you skip school?” I joke to cut the tension, and he shrugs, giving me his dashing smile.
“There’s a first time for everything.”
I flip open my book and try to find my place. I can’t think about first times right now.
“I have to read this.”
“Like you haven’t read that book three times already,” he quips, and my ears burn, loving that he knows that. Only, guilt crawls through my stomach and I look out the window, to the soccer field we can’t see.
“I have a thing,” I say.
“What thing?”
“Just a . . .” I tilt my weight into his arm, feeling his heat. Why do I want this now when I didn’t two years ago? Why, when Kurt is out of sight, does it feel like all bets are off, and every look, every slight touch between Abe and me is heightened? Would things be different if it was Abe in that ocean? Would I be more comfortable with losing my virginity? Is it possible Abe doesn’t wake the things that Kurt wakes in me?
“You stopped in the middle of your sentence,” he says.
“No, I didn’t.”
“Yeah, you did.” The corner of his lip turns up adorably and I want to blow dandelion seeds into his breath.
“Right.” I force my eyes to the window. What am I supposed to do? “It’s just there’s this thing I said I would do.”
“That’s a lie.”
Abe doesn’t say that. It’s a female voice.
I look up and Lilith is taking the seat across from us.
“There really isn’t a thing,” she says, leaning forward and tossing her hair to the side. The motion gives us a view down her shirt, which I’m sure was intentional. “She’s read that book like eight times. Marion totally wants to skip school for coffee. She’s just playing hard to get.” I glare at her, but she smiles. “I keep telling her that playing hard to get is soooo eighteenth century of her. But hey, the girl’s obsessed with Jane Austen.”
“There’s nothing wrong with a little modesty,” Abe says, coming to my defense.
“Well, aren’t you a regular Prince Charming.” Lilith sits up and winks at him. “Just have her home before midnight, if you know what I mean.” She wiggles her eyebrows suggestively and Abe goes red. “Oh, and quick tip, Marion’s got this soft spot right behind her ear that drives her cra—”
“Lilith!”
She laughs and leans back in her chair. I hate that her hands know that spot and she’s using it as ammunition. Abe’s face flushes pink, and I can’t help but notice how his eyes flick to my ear.
“You.” I point to Lilith and then the library door. “Would you excuse us, Abe?”
I’m up and heading for the exit.
Lilith rises slowly and I look back to see her head tilt toward Abe, pointing out the spot behind her ear.
In the hall, I grip the drinking fountain and gulp down water. Lilith skips up to me in her cherry-red heels and I wipe my mouth and glare at her.
“What was that?” I say.
“You’re welcome.”
“Excuse me?”
“Mar-i-doodle!” Her eyes sparkle. “I’m not blind. Something is going on with Abe.”
“Nothing is going on with Abe,” I assert, but she laughs.
“Oh, I know better.”
“Seriously, it’s nothing.”
“You keep using that word.” Lilith swipes an imaginary sword through the air. “I don’t think it means what you think it means.”
“Thank you, Inigo Montoya,” I snap.
“No, thank me after you have coffee.” Her tone gets serious and she points to the library. Only, I can’t trust her. Nothing she wants me to do is really for me. “That’s right, you can thank me later for putting back into motion what clearly has been brewing between the two of you for the last two years.”
I hate that she knows that. I hate that everything seems so freaking obvious to her.
“You know.” She puts a hand on her hip. “I don’t know what Kurt did to you. But I like it.”
I almost smack her.
“I’m not having coffee,” I growl.
“Whatever.” Lilith shrugs. “Don’t go.” She nods to the door behind us. “All you have to do is go in there and tell Abe you’re not interested.”
Cold shoots through me.
“Easy peasy.” She leans forward, brushing her lips along the base of my ear. “But you are interested, aren’t you, Marion?”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” I hiss, and Lilith laughs like she knows all the secrets of the world and I’m ridiculous ol’ me. I’m furious, and glad I haven’t told her about Kurt. That I haven’t told her anything. “Why don’t you leave me alone!”
“And miss all the fun?” She winks. “You underestimate me.”
I roll my eyes and storm away, my head buzzing. I stalk back into the library, but when I see Abe, I know Lilith is right. I am interested.
But I can’t be. I’m not allowed to be. Not with that boy who was in my backseat, touching parts of me no one has ever touched. I grab my book from the table and pick up my bag. Abe tries to catch my eye, but I deliberately don’t let him.
“So, there really is this thing,” I grumble, staring at his buttons.
His thumb taps against the tabletop.
“I’m sorry about Lilith.” I gesture to the door. “She’s mad at me about this, well, this other thing. Just something that—” I grip the strap of my bag. “Something that’s none of her business.”
“Hey . . .” His silver eyes catch mine. “Do you want to talk about it?”
My eyes fall to his chin. I wish I could tell him everything.
“I have this thing,” I repeat, looking at his shirt again and counting the silver buttons. I wish I could go back to the apple tree and freshman year, and start all over again. Redo us, differently.
“Right,” he says.
Six buttons.
“Thanks though,” I say, selfishly reaching out and tucking one of his curls behind his ear.
Seven buttons.
He looks at me curiously and I hold my breath, watching him longer than I should.
“Marion?”
I grab my things and walk away without saying anything. I stumble through the door, down the hall, and out into the parking lot, where the air tastes of winter and fog hangs heavy on the trees. Plenty of fog hiding golden leaves. Plenty of fog to hide me.