Chapter Sixteen
Eight weeks passed before Kasheef was able to stand before the judge for his sentencing. Alija had stayed by his side the entire time he was recuperating in the hospital, and he was saddened that their time together was being cut short. She sat directly behind him with her daughter in her arms. She cooed and reached for Kasheef while tears fell freely from Alija’s eyes. She had been so confused during the entire trial. Now that it was over, her heart ached and she felt as if her best friend was being taken away from her. Carmen sat by Kasheef’s side as they awaited the judge’s decision.
“Mr. Williams,” the judge began. “You have been found guilty by a jury of your peers for second degree murder. Does counsel have any recommendations for sentencing?”
“Your Honor, the state would like to request that Kasheef Williams be punished to the fullest extent that the law allows,” the DA said.
“Your Honor, my client has been unjustly found guilty of a crime that he did not commit. I would like to state for the record that we will be filing for immediate appeal, and I ask the court to show restraint on Mr. Williams in regards to his sentencing,” Carmen stated.
The judge removed his glasses and said, “Mr. Williams, I hereby sentence you to no less than fifteen and no more than twenty-five years in Sing Sing Correctional Facility. You will be remanded into immediate custody.”
“Kasheef?” Alija cried. “I’m so sorry, Kasheef,” she said as she stood to hug him. He reached for her and she held him tightly. “I’m sorry, Kasheef.”
“It’s all right, ma. What are you sorry for? You’ve done nothing but make my life better. Listen to me, Alija,” he said sternly as he blinked away tears. He knew that he had to remain strong. “I’m gon’ be okay. You take that money and you look out for yourself, a’ight? Come see me sometime. I love you. You’re the only woman I’ve ever loved, remember that.”
The guards took Kasheef away and Alija stayed inside the courtroom until she could no longer see his face. With each step that he took, a piece of her left with him, and the onslaught of emotions was almost unbearable as she held onto Nahla, the only constant in her ever-changing life. She felt like there was a revolving door where people constantly entered and exited her heart, leaving her to mend the broken pieces after they were gone. She kissed her daughter and hugged her tightly. “It’s all over, Nahla. It’s all over.”
“Williams, you have a visitor,” the CO yelled as he unlocked Kasheef’s cell. Kasheef stood. It had been three months since he’d been sentenced and only one person had visited him so far: Stick. He had communicated with Alija through letters only. He had asked her not to come and visit him because he did not want her to see him locked behind bars, in his weakest state, and chained like an animal. He sauntered to the visiting area, his feet shackled, and his pride wounded.
“Table four,” the CO told him. Kasheef approached the table and was surprised to see Alija sitting before him. She had put on a little bit of weight, but it was all in the right places, and just her presence seemed to lift a huge burden from his shoulders.
“Hello, Kasheef,” she said with a half smile. He could tell her spirit had been dampened by his imprisonment, and the sparkle that she had when they first got to know each other was dim. The fact that he could not be with her killed him. Alija held Nahla in her arms, and Kasheef noticed that the baby had grown tremendously in the short time that he had been absent from her life.
“I miss you, ma,” he said, his voice heavy with built-up emotion as he put his hand against the glass that separated them.
“I miss you too, Kasheef,” she whispered as she matched her hand alongside his. She stared at his face, taking in every single feature. Her heart fluttered at the sight of him before her and she instantly knew how they had come to be so close. At first, she couldn’t understand how she had let herself fall so hard. Kasheef was a forbidden love. She experienced something with him that she had never felt before. In many ways, he was her man. Ironically, he was the only man that she had ever fully trusted. “I can’t stay long. I just came to give you something.” Her voice broke up as if she was ready to break down, but she quickly cleared her throat and willed her emotions away.
She handed a manila envelope to the guard who was monitoring their visit, and he inspected it briefly before passing it to Kasheef. Kasheef opened the folder and pulled out the first piece of paper. It was an ultrasound picture. His eyes shot up from the photo to Alija’s. He stared at her more carefully and noticed the small bulge in her stomach. She was pregnant. He closed his eyes and had to stop the tears from forming behind his lids. Alija was pregnant with his first child, his only child, and here he was stuck in prison unable to give her the support that she needed. He would never be able to be a part of his baby’s life. He gripped the phone tightly and took a deep breath before he opened his eyes. “You’re pregnant with my seed, yo’?”
Tears built in Alija’s eyes when she heard the sound of his voice. He was holding back his cries, but she could hear the undeniable sadness that was threatening to pour out of him.
“I’m sorry, Alija,” he said sincerely.
“No, I’m sorry, Kasheef,” she replied as she wiped away a tear that escaped her eye. “There’s more.”
Kasheef removed a set of photos. He flipped through the photographs slowly, one by one. There was a picture of Alija. He smiled, knowing that this would help him make it through a lot of days. Just having an image of her face would make the time go by easier.
“You’re beautiful,” he complimented her. He went on to the next picture, a picture of Alija and Nahla. He loved Nahla. She was a miniature version of her mother, and he silently hoped that Alija was pregnant with his son. A girl and a boy would make their family complete. He pulled out the next photograph, a picture of Alija when she was pregnant with Nahla. He flipped and it was a more recent picture of Alija. He peered closely at it. “Are you pregnant with my baby in this photo?”
She nodded and gave him a half-hearted smile as he flipped to the last photo. When the image registered to his brain, he dropped the pictures onto the steel table as if they were as hot as fire. He couldn’t believe his eyes. He turned the picture over to make sure he wasn’t seeing things and he noticed the inscription that Alija had written on the back.
Kasheef,
I told you from the beginning that it would be so wrong for me to love you. I don t know how I let myself fall for you, but now you know why we can never be. This is exactly what you deserve.
He turned the picture back over, his hands shaking. He stared closely.
Alija, Nahla, and Mizan smiled like the happy family that they were before Kasheef ruined their lives. Mizan was Nahla’s father and Alija’s lover.
“You killed my baby’s father, Kasheef,” Alija finally admitted. The tension that she had carried on her shoulders since the day Mizan died finally lifted from her, and it was as if a weight had been removed from her heart.
“What?” Kasheef asked as his eyes met hers, desperately searching for answers. He shook his head, unwilling to accept the naked truth as it had been lay out in front of him.
“We were supposed to get married and make a life together after he was released from jail,” she said through her tears, her voice heavy with sorrow. “I begged him not to get back in the game but he wouldn’ t listen. He said that he was doing it for us, so that he could take care of his daughter. You killed Nahla’s father, and I had to make you pay for what you took from me; for what you took from Nahla. I didn’t mean to fall in love with you. That wasn’t a part of the plan. I just wanted to put you away so that my daughter and I would be safe, but you got to me. You got inside my head. You offered to take care of me and you gave me what I needed to take care of my daughter. You gave me all of your money to start a new life, and you gave me your heart. It was so tempting to take, Kasheef, but I couldn’t forget that it was because of you that my life was in shambles in the first place. That is why you’re here. For revenge,” she said as she wiped her eyes and willed herself to stop crying. “Even though I love you, you have to pay for what you did to him.”
He stared up at Alija as she arose from the table. He was speechless. He watched her walk over to another girl who had been sitting in the waiting area. His eyes bugged in disbelief as he recognized the girl from his trial. She sat in on his jury. Alija set me up. All along she set me up, he thought as his heart dropped into his stomach. He felt sick and his eyes burned, but he held back his emotions. It was hard for him to believe that everything that he had shared with her had been a lie. She had seemed so sincere. Her love had seemed so real. He had thought that they were so official. She was the closest he had ever been to true love and now he was finding out that it was all a lie. This shit can’t be true.
“Alija!” he called for her as he stood and watched her walk away. He was not willing to let her leave just like that. He had to know more. He had to keep her in his life for as long as he possibly could. It was as if the beat of his heart was dependent on her loving him. If she stopped, he was almost positive that his heart would too. He was beyond the point of self-preservation. Almost from the first moment he sought her out, they had become connected. He felt it and refused to believe that it had meant nothing to her. “Alija, please don’t take my baby away! Don’t do this to me!”
He was conflicted. A part of him was enraged and hated her for being able to penetrate his shell. She was his weakness and he resented her for making him vulnerable. Because of her, he was susceptible to pain, but the other part of him could not possibly hate the woman who was carrying his seed; the woman who had cracked his hard exterior and gotten him to love. She was the woman whose smile could brighten his darkest hour. She was his salvation and with her love he could make it through the hell he had been reprimanded to. “Alija!”
Alija halted mid-step. The sound of his voice caused her to close her eyes. She took a deep breath and returned to the table. She picked up the phone.
“What, Kasheef? Don’t you hate me now? Haven’t you had enough?” She waited for him to respond, but he was silent. She could see his broken spirit as she stared into the windows of his soul. “Huh? Why do you still want me? You can’t love me now, because I hate you for doing this to me! Do you hear me? I hate you,” she whispered vehemently.
“Don’t say that, ma,” he begged, his tears finally falling from his eyes. “I can’t hate you Alija. I’ve never loved anyone the way that I love you. You put me in here, fuck it. I killed Mizan, but you saw what went down. You know how it happened. I’m not a murderer, Alija. You know me. I was protecting myself. I did what I had to do, you know that. I love you, ma. Don’t take my child away from me. Don’ t leave me in here on stuck.”
Alija was bawling as she listened to him. Her heart ached because she really had fallen for Kasheef. In another lifetime he would have been her man and possibly her husband. He would have been her king, the one she shared her hopes and dreams with, but in this lifetime they could never coexist.
Kasheef could see the wheels turning in her head. “Tell me you don’ t love me, ma. You can’ t tell me that Mizan meant more to you than me. You love me, Alija. I can see that shit in your eyes,” he said passionately, with fire in his gaze and through clenched teeth.
Alija stared him directly in the eye. “How can I raise Nahla next to her sister or brother and tell her that you are the one who killed her father? How fair is that to her? I can’t let her see me love you and think that it’s okay, Kasheef. It’s not okay. It was wrong for me to let it go this far. It doesn’t matter how I feel about you. I have to think about my children. Mizan may not have meant more to me, but he meant more to Nahla. That’s my daughter, I have to protect her.” She touched her stomach and finished, “I have to take care of both of them.”
“They’re my shorties too, ma. I’m in love with your baby girl just as much as I love you. And the one that’ s growing inside you is me, Alija. That’s my seed, yo . Don’t do this to me,” he pleaded.
“You did this to yourself,” she said. “Good-bye.”
All this time, Kasheef thought as he put his head in his hands in despair. She had someone working on the jury to sway them into a guilty verdict while she worked me to sway me into giving her my cash. He looked down at the ultrasound and let his emotions flow without restraint. A combination of feelings raced through him. Rage. Respect. Love. Hate. He felt them all for Alija at that moment. She was the woman he had fallen in love with; the one he would have given his life for without regret. She is the mother of my child, yo , he thought numbly. His heart ached in a way that he had not felt since the death of his mother. Alija was his everything and she had just walked on his heart with her Manolo stilettos. All he had wanted was her love and loyalty, but she was in fact loyal. Loyal to her man. The only problem was that her man was Mizan.
Kasheef stood up and punched the glass with all his might, struggling to let go of some of his rage. He returned to his cell. It was the place he would call home for the next fifteen years, courtesy of Alija Bell. I guess Mizan really did get the last laugh. The nigga reached out from the grave to get his revenge. He taped the ultrasound to his wall. He told himself that he would look at them every day and ask God to bless the child that he would never get a chance to meet. The ultrasound was the only piece of his family that he had left, and he prayed that one day the emptiness he felt inside could be filled by the return of the love of his life. Until then, his fate was sealed behind the steel and concrete that made up the desolate prison. Pain was love, and it was the story of his life.