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It’s white with purple hair and a terrifying pointy horn, and it’s chasing me through a land of giant desserts. Slices of chocolate cake that are twice as tall as me. A river of strawberry sauce.
And ice cream, of course.
Lots and lots of ice cream. There’s even a giant banana split with sprinkles.
But the unicorn keeps on chasing me, and oh my God, it’s got friends. They’re pink and purple, and they’ve got heart tattoos on their asses.
I run through puddles of chocolate sauce, trying to go faster and faster, but they’re going to catch me, it’s inevitable...
I open my eyes.
I’m not longer in some fucked-up mash-up of My Little Pony and Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs. No, I’m in my own bed, and there’s a woman beside me, peering at me curiously. She puts a hand on my head.
“Are you okay?” Chloe asks. “You were thrashing about. Did you have a nightmare?”
“Um, no. Just a slightly disturbing dream. Nothing serious.”
“Having nightmares is nothing to be ashamed of.”
She sounds so kind and concerned. Like she’s afraid I’ve experienced real-life trauma and that’s why I’m having these dreams. But I just went to a paint-your-own-unicorn party, and the dream wasn’t really that bad.
I start kissing my way down her neck. We’re both still naked, and I hope we’ve got time to have more fun before she heads to work. I glance at the alarm clock on my bedside table and gasp.
Havarti Sparkles is right beside my alarm clock, her evil eyes staring at me. Michelle must have decided the unicorn belonged on my bedside table.
“What’s wrong?” Chloe asks.
“Um.”
“Talk to me.”
“I don’t know...”
“Drew, please. What happened?”
“Fine,” I say in exasperation. “I had a nightmare about Havarti Sparkles chasing me through a field of giant scoops of ice cream.”
She puts her hand to her mouth, as though trying not to laugh.
“There were so many unicorns, all chasing me. They were evil; I could see their evil little eyes and twinkling horns. They wanted to shoot ice cream sandwiches out of the hearts on their asses.”
“Why on earth do you think they wanted to do that?”
“Because that’s what they did in my last dream.”
She looks at me incredulously.
Okay, I think I just destroyed my chances of getting laid this morning. I am so out of practice with women.
“Want some breakfast?” I ask, climbing out of bed. I’m a little self-conscious of my nudity now. “We can have cereal, or I can make you some eggs. How do you like your eggs?”
Chloe sits up and the blanket tumbles down her chest, exposing her breasts. They are indeed lovely breasts, and I didn’t give them enough attention last night.
I want them in my mouth, but I don’t think that’s going to happen.
I swallow. “Eggs?”
“Drew, are you okay? You’re not shaken up?”
“I’m fine. Just embarrassed.”
“Am I allowed to laugh? Because I’ve never heard of an adult having nightmares about unicorns and ice cream and I can barely...” And there come the giggles.
I just stand there, hands on my hips. Perhaps I would present an imposing figure if I weren’t naked and if I hadn’t just described my ridiculous nightmare.
“Has it just happened the two times?” she asks.
“Thankfully, yes.”
“Come here.”
I return to the bed, and she puts her arms around me. Her laughter is contagious, and I start to laugh, too. I look at Havarti Sparkles, sitting imposingly (ha!) on my bedside table, and then at Chloe’s lovely face, and I laugh and laugh.
I haven’t laughed like this in ages.
Once we’ve both calmed down, Chloe says, “I know something that will make you forget all about your dream.”
“Do you?”
“Mm-hmm.”
She scrapes her fingernails down my chest and presses her mouth to mine.
* * *
As I mop the kitchen floor, I find myself humming the piña colada song. Nothing can get me down right now, not even the mention of ice cream sandwiches.
Chloe left at ten, and I feel like I’m on top of the world. I had a hot woman in my bed last night and this morning, and we made plans to see each other again tonight. Yes, there was the unfortunate bad-dream incident, but it all turned out okay.
The phone rings. It’s my mother.
“Drew, can you buzz us in?”
Well, this is unexpected. “Why are you here?”
“I haven’t seen you in six weeks. Can’t I see my son?”
Hmm. I have a bad feeling about this.
Mom and Dad come up a few minutes later, accompanied by Adrienne and Michelle. Mom gives me a hug and shouts in my ear, “You have a girlfriend and you didn’t tell me?”
It turns out that something can get me down after all: my family discussing my love life.
Yeah, this is going to be great. Just great.
“Where did you hear that?” I ask.
“Michelle told me you had a date last night,” Adrienne says.
Okay, that’s the last time I bribe Michelle. I glare at my niece, then my sister.
“Yes, I had a date, though I don’t know why you had to tell Mom and Dad. It was our first date. She’s not my girlfriend.”
The thought of actually being someone’s boyfriend still makes me a bit uncomfortable. When I think of what happened with Lisa...
I shake my head to clear it of those thoughts. “How was Hong Kong?”
My parents got back yesterday. Surely they should be at home, recovering from jetlag, rather than interfering in my life.
“Don’t change the topic,” Mom says. “I hear this woman owns an ice cream shop?”
“She does.”
“Ice cream sounds lovely,” Dad says. “It’s a hot day. Just what I need.”
Oh, God. No. He wants to meet Chloe today?
Mom sniffs. “I can’t say I approve. Why couldn’t you find a doctor or an engineer? Did she go to university?”
“Yes, but she didn’t graduate.”
Mom’s mouth drops open in horror.
“Her mother died while she was in university, and she took some time off. Then she decided she didn’t want to go back and would rather do something else with her life.”
“I can’t believe you, of all people,” Adrienne says, “are dating someone who sells ice cream for a living.”
“Yeah, well...”
“And I’m the one who made this happen. I told you to take Michelle to Ginger Scoops. I should become a matchmaker!”
“She’s so pretty, Po Po,” Michelle says to my mother.
“Aiyah! The last one was pretty, too, and look what happened. We wasted so much money.”
My parents had insisted on paying for half of the wedding. I told them it was unnecessary, but they refused to listen. I think it was partly because they didn’t want Lisa’s parents—who are quite well off and could easily have paid for the whole thing—to think they were cheap, then use it as an excuse to say all Chinese people are cheap. Or something like that. I believe it was pride more than anything.
In the unlikely event that I get engaged again, I won’t let my parents, or the woman’s parents, pay for anything.
Weird that I now see marriage as an unlikely possibility, rather than completely impossible.
“She looks like me!” Michelle grabs my mother’s hand.
“Like you?”
“She’s mixed race,” I say. “Chinese mother, white father. Like Michelle.”
“Does she speak Cantonese?” Mom asks hopefully.
“No. Her mother was born here, like Dad, and her family’s from Toisan.”
“You said her mother was dead?”
I nod.
“Poor girl.”
We’re all quiet for a moment.
“Well, let’s go meet her,” Dad says with a mischievous smile. “I could really use some ice cream. Which flavors are good there, Drew?”
“I still haven’t tried any,” I mutter.
“Surely she has something with chocolate.”
Like me, my father is a bit of a chocoholic.
“She has so many great flavors,” Michelle says to my dad. “There’s chocolate-raspberry, matcha cheesecake, passionfruit, Vietnamese coffee, strawberry-lychee, green tea, Hong Kong milk tea...”
“So it’s an Asian ice cream shop?” Mom says.
“Yes,” I say.
“Hmm.”
“What are we waiting for?” Dad asks. “Let’s go. I can’t wait to meet this woman.”
“I can’t wait for you to meet her, either,” I say sarcastically.
“Don’t worry,” Mom says. “We won’t scare her off.”
Yeah, right. “Why don’t we just stay here and talk about your trip?”
“You know what Hong Kong is like. You’ve been there before. But I’ve never met your new girlfriend.”
As my family parades out the door, I send a quick text to Chloe, warning her that this meet-the-parents business is happening much, much sooner than expected.
Outside, Michelle skips ahead with my parents, and I hang back with Adrienne.
“I can’t believe you told Mom and Dad,” I say. “You knew this would happen.”
My sister shrugs innocently. “I can’t believe you bribed my daughter with ice cream. Two ice creams in one day! What were you thinking? You deserve this.”
“But Chloe doesn’t,” I say.
“I really want to meet her.”
“We’ve been on one date. One! And there probably won’t be a second date, after she meets all of you.”
“If she really likes you, this shouldn’t matter.”
Does Chloe really like me? What do I want with her?
I don’t know exactly, but I’d been hoping to figure it out without any family interference.
Alas...