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abused women, 11, 144
activities, excessive, 46–48
addicts, 102, 106–7, 108, 114, 139; enabling and, 67; interventions with, 152, 155; relationships with, 86–87, 142, 154, 166, 178, 226; resistance from friends of, 188
admission of need, 105–6
Allen, Woody, 51
Amazon, 85
anger, allowing oneself to feel, 213
Apple, 102
AT&T, 78–79, 211–12
authoritarian approach, 171–72
auto industry, 10
average performance, 24; thriving vs., 18–19
bad guy, not being, 193–96
Bezos, Jeff, 85
blaming, 22, 135
bureaucracy, Welch’s intolerance of, 25, 27
careers, second, 35–38, 44
Carver, Charles, 64
change, 3; accepting other people’s refusal of, 48–51; admitting need for, 105–6; creating urgency for, 149–72; creating vision of, 159–62; determining who is capable of, 97–101, 119–47; difficult to implement, 190–91; ending career and starting a new one, 35–38, 44; energy for, 112–16; getting everyone on board for, 83; hopelessness as motivator for, 81–82, 84–87, 116; letting go of past and, 75, 76–81; life cycles and seasons and, 40–46, 81; monitoring systems and, 104; new experiences and skills and, 104; people’s capacity for, 102–9; proven processes of, 102–3; seeing movement in process of, 108–9; self-sustaining motivation for, 104–5; skilled help and, 107–8; structures for, 103, 104, 162–66; support for, 106–7, 156–59. See also pruning moment; resistance to change
character: integration of, 33; problems vs. patterns and, 144–45; three categories of behavior and, 121–24 (see also evil people; foolish people; wise people); worthiness of trust and, 97–101, 121–47
codependent mapping, 66–69
Collins, Jim, 73, 75, 110–11
comfort level: with endings, 37–38; with misery, 150, 151; moving out of (see urgency, creating)
conflict-free aggression, 58–59
consequences, setting: with foolish people, 138–39, 140–42; for making and missing deadlines, 164
control, sense of loss of, 54–57
the conversation, 199–210; agreeing on what happened in, 207; dealing with defensiveness and reactions in, 207–8; dread of, 201; going squishy on truth in, 204; having others present at, 208; integrating concern for other person with truth inside yourself before, 204–5; practice and role-play for, 205–6; setting specific goals for, 203–4; sidetracking in, 202–4; tone in, 206; validating person and relationship in, 206–7
cost cutting, 29–30
covering for others, 62–63
creative people, focus problems of, 25–26
Csikszentmihalyi, Mihaly, 170
“date night,” micropruning and, 31–32
deadlines, setting, 162–64, 182
defensiveness: dealing with, in the conversation, 207–8; of foolish people, 131–36
delusional attitudes, 75, 76
denial, 27, 75, 140, 141, 142, 147. See also resistance to change
divorce, metabolizing experience of, 219–20
Drucker, Peter, 71, 75, 147, 169
Ecclesiastes, 8, 26, 46
emotional state, sustainabilty and, 223–24
empathy, 129, 204, 207–8
enabling, codependent mapping and, 66–69
“ending alliances,” 156–59
endings: avoidance of, 9–12; believed to mean failure, 63–64; comfort level with, 37–38; forced upon us, 11–12; taking next step and, 227–30; universality of, 6–9; unnecessary, 116
ending things well, 199–210; grieving process and, 211–15; metabolizing experience and, 215–20; not burning bridges and, 210. See also the conversation
energy for change, 112–16; creating structure for, 114–16; in personal life, 115–16
energy reserves, depletion of, 225
entrepreneurs, start-up mentality of, 42–43
evil, accepting existence of, 48–51
evil people, 122–23, 142–44, 147, 210
executive coaching, 108
executive decisions, 171–72
expenses, cutting, 29–30
experiences: new, 104. See also past
external resistances, 187–91
Facebook, 46–47
failure: accepting existence of, 48–51; endings perceived as, 63–64
failure to launch syndrome, 11, 69
fall, tasks of, 42, 43, 44
false hope, 26, 85–86
“family” culture, companies with, 67–69
family-owned companies, 67, 69
fearlessness, 73, 82
feedback: foolish people’s responses to, 131–40; immediacy of, 171; three possible positive results of, 22–23; wise people’s responses to, 126–31
fight-or-flight response, 38, 58, 136, 206
financial state, sustainabilty and, 224–25
Finkelstein, Sydney, 75, 76
firing, 7; bottom 10 percent of work force, 25, 26–27; facing the facts about need for, 3–4; inability to learn and, 22; for inadequate performance, 22, 107, 205; person in wrong job or business, 22. See also the conversation
foolish people, 122–23, 131–42, 143, 147; resistant to feedback, 131–40; setting consequences with, 138–39, 140–42; strategies for dealing with, 136–42; traits of, 134–36
founders, start-up mentality of, 42–43
future, 130; creating vision of, 159–62; making real the threat to, 151–56; past as predictor of, 92–97, 99
Gates, Bill, 46–47
GE, 24–28, 75; mere cost cutting vs. pruning at, 29–30. See also Welch, Jack
Girkins, Moe, 211–12, 215
giving up effort vs. commitment, 64
global economic crisis of 2008, 9–10; internal maps and, 54–57
Good to Great (Collins), 73
grieving for necessary endings, 211–15; forward motion in, 213; rebound tendencies and, 213–15; symbolic events in, 211–12, 215
growth: endings necessary for, 7; from hurtful experiences, 21; pruning necessary for, 20; receptiveness to feedback and, 126–28
gut checks: sustainability of your situations, 223–25; your feelings about pruning, 19–23, 82; your internal map, 58–60
harm: hurt vs., 21, 59, 65; people who truly want to do, 51, 120, 142–44
helplessness, learned, 55, 56, 70–71
hoarding, 178–80
Hollywood romances, 186–87
hope, 84–86; adding new wisdom and, 109–11; determining when to hold onto, 91–117, 130–31; energy for change and, 112–16; false, 26, 85–86; past as predictor and, 92–97, 99; real, objective reasons for, 90, 91–117; receptiveness to feedback and, 126–28; strengths movement and, 145–46; wishing vs., 87–89, 91–92, 97; worthiness of trust and, 97–101
hopelessness: awareness of, as path to pruning moment, 74–76, 81–82, 86–87, 89–90, 132, 147; as change motivator, 81–82, 84–87, 116; past performance and, 96–97; resistance to feedback and, 133–34; unnecessary endings and, 116; when to suspend, 101–9
hurting someone, fear of, 21–23, 204
hurt vs. harm, 21, 59, 65
Hybels, Bill, 115
identity, separating outcomes from, 63–64
incompatible wishes, 173–76
incurable sickness, accepting existence of, 48–51
innovation, pruning moment and, 76–81, 82–83, 86
integration of character, 33
internal conflict, overcoming, 36–38
internal maps, 54–71, 84; abnormally high threshold for pain and, 61–62; belief that ending is failure and, 63–64; codependent, 66–69; covering for others and, 62–63; examining, 58–60, 83; global economic crisis of 2008 and, 54–57; misunderstood loyalty and, 64–66; past experiences and, 70–71
investment decisions, 97
iPhone, 78
Jobs, Steve, 102
King, Martin Luther, 156
Kotter, John, 151–52, 155, 166, 189, 190
Krames, Jeffrey, 75
“later” notion, 181–82
leaders: born vs. made, 73–74; successful, in touch with reality, 74–76
learning: from experience, 126–28, 217–18; firing people incapable of, 22–23
leaving career, 35–38
leaving job, 7, 11
life cycles and seasons, 6, 7, 8, 20; accepting, normalization of endings and, 40–46, 50–51, 82–83; getting to pruning moment and, 77, 78
life produces too much life, acceptance of, 46–48, 50–51, 58
limits: desire to live without, 50; setting with foolish people, 138
loyalty, misunderstood, 64–66
Manning, Peyton, 63–64, 73
marriage: energy for change in, 113; hopelessness leading to change in, 86–87; life cycles and seasons and, 44–45; spouses’ strengths and, 146; “whole vision” paradox and, 185–86. See also relationships
measuring progress: monitoring systems and, 104; ongoing need for, 169–71
medicating thoughts, 178–85; hoarding and, 178–80; “later” notion, 181–82; selective memory, 182–85
meetings, micropruning and, 30–31, 32
memory, selective, 182–85
mental maps. See internal maps
mentor relationships, outgrowing, 65
metabolizing necessary endings, 215–20; grieving and, 211–15; team dynamics and, 218–19
micropruning, 30–32
mistakes: learning from, 217–18; repetition of, 12, 218
monitoring systems, 104
Motorola, 77, 78–79, 80, 82, 85–86, 151
Mulcahy, Anne, 48
nagging, 137, 152
negative: hurt-harm distinction and, 21, 59, 65; redefining meaning of, 21–22
new experiences and skills, in change process, 104
Nokia, 78–79, 86
NoNos, 189–90
nonprofits, 67
normalizing necessary endings, 35–51, 82–83; accepting life cycles and seasons, 40–46, 50–51, 58, 82–83; accepting that incurable sickness and evil exist, 48–51; accepting that life produces too much life, 46, 50–51; contrasting stories of Blair and Geoff, 35–40, 44
number one or two in market, focusing on, 24, 25, 161
obsolescence, expecting and planning for, 76–81, 82–83
optimism: false hope vs., 26; internal maps and, 56
outcomes: detachment from, 176–78; separating identity from, 63–64
overextension, pattern of, 225
pain: abnormally high threshold for, 61–62; acclimation to, 53–54, 55, 61; learned helplessness and, 55, 56, 70–71; as motivator, 53–54, 151, 166–69; with a purpose vs. pain for no good reason, 53–71; tolerance for, 155
parents, failure to launch syndrome and, 11, 69
past: impact of, on thinking about endings, 70–71; letting go of, 75, 76–81; as predictor of future, 92–97; metabolizing
past experiences from, 215–20
patterns vs. problems, 144–45
perceived errors, 59
performance, inadequate: firing for, 22, 107, 205; making someone aware of, 22–23
perseverance: internal maps and, 63–64; not knowing when to move on and, 37, 39
personal life: applying pruning and necessary endings to, 32–33; endings necessary in, 7; energy for change in, 115–16; getting stuck in, 7–8. See also marriage; relationships
physical state, sustainabilty and, 223–24
playing the movie forward, 151–56
positive and negative, redefining meaning of, 21–22
powerful coalitions, 157
problem solving, 39, 130
problems vs. patterns, 144–45
professional issues, sustainability and, 224
pruning, 7, 15–33; accepting that life produces too much life and, 46; avoidance of, 19; in business and in life, 17–19; cost cutting and, 29–30; defined, 17; in gardening, 15–17; gut check to examine feelings about, 19–23, 38, 82; intellectual and emotional responses to idea of, 19–20, 82; size of business and, 18; subcategory (micropruning), 30–32; toward purpose, 23–29
pruning moment, 24; awareness of hopelessness and, 74–76, 81–82, 86–87, 89–90, 132, 147; getting to, 73–90, 116; leadership qualities and, 73–76; at Welch Allyn, 76–81, 82–83, 86, 87, 89–90, 91. See also change
quitting, viewed as failure, 63–64
real estate developers, 43, 82
reality: defining, 23–24; future, making real the threat to, 151–56; getting in line with, 50–51, 74–76, 81, 82, 84, 86, 89; hope distortion and, 84, 85–86; stuckness and, 54
relationships: with addicts, 86–87, 142, 154, 166, 178, 226; breaking off, support groups and, 158–59, 165; communicating end of, 206–7, 209; detachment from particular outcome in, 177–78; endings necessary in, 7; false hope and, 88; getting stuck in, 7–8; hopelessness leading to change in, 86–87, 90; incompatible wishes in, 174–75; “later” card in, 182; life cycles and seasons and, 44–45; metabolizing necessary ending of, 219–20; misunderstood loyalty and, 64–66; not being bad guy in, 193–96; overabundance of, 46–48; past as predictor in, 92–93; seeing future reality and, 154; self-selection and, 196, 197; sustainabilty and, 223–24; validating, 206–7; “whole vision” paradox and, 185–87. See also marriage
resistance to change, 149, 150, 173–91; attachment to a particular outcome and, 176–78; bred of success, 76–77, 79, 85–86; comfort level and, 150, 151; external resistances and, 187–91; of foolish people, 131–40; incompatible wishes and, 173–76; “later” and, 181–82; medicating thoughts and, 178–85; selective memory and, 182–85; “whole vision” paradox and, 185–87
resources: pruning and, 18, 25; sustainability and, 221–26
responsibility, 129, 136; avoiding, collateral damage of, 138, 141; codependent mapping and, 66–69; covering for others and, 61–62; misunderstood loyalty and, 65–66
sales, 47, 161; internal maps and, 55, 56
Scheier, Mark, 64
seasons. See life cycles and seasons
second careers, 35–38, 44
selective memory, 182–85
self-absorbed resisters, 188
self-selection, 193–98; not being bad guy and, 193–96; for your own attachments, 197–98
self-sustaining motivation, 104–5
Seligman, Martin, 55, 56
Sense of Urgency, A (Kotter), 151–52, 166, 189
Shimer, Julie, 77–81, 82–83, 85–86, 87, 89–90, 91, 151
size of business, thriving to the max for, 18
skeptics, NoNos vs., 189
skilled help, 107–8
skills building, 104
smoking, quitting, 155
social networking, 46–47
spiritual state, sustainabilty and, 224
spring cleaning, 46
spring, tasks of, 41, 42, 44–45
standards, defining, 23–24; not being bad guy and, 193–96; self-selection and, 196–98
Starbucks, 48
starting up a business, 42–43
Stockdale, James, 84–85
strengths movement, 145–46
strengths, sustainability and, 225
structures for change, 103, 165–66; deadlines, 162–64; monitoring systems, 104
stuckness, 54–71; acclimation to pain and, 53–54, 55; moving past, 75–76. See also internal maps
subcategory pruning (micropruning), 30–32
success: defining and measuring, 28–29; resistance to change and, 76–77, 79, 85–86
summer, tasks of, 41, 42–43, 44–45
support for change, 106–7; “ending alliances” and, 156–59
sustainability, 221–26; situations to assess for, 223–25
symbolic events, 211–12, 215
takeovers, 43
talking to foolish people about problems, 137–38
team metabolizing, 218–19
terminal illness, accepting existence of, 48–51
threatened resisters, 188–89
time provided by hope, 85
tone, in the conversation, 206
Townsend, John, 109–11
trust, determining who is deserving of, 97–101, 119–47. See also evil people; foolish people; wise people
truth: getting in touch with, before the conversation, 204–5; people unable to face, 22–23. See also reality
unnecessary endings, 116
urgency, creating, 149–72; “ending alliances” and, 156–59; executive decisions and, 171–72; making real the threat to the future and, 151–56; measuring and evaluating in, 169–71; setting deadlines and, 162–64; structure and, 165–66; staying close to misery and, 166–69; vision and, 159–62
victimhood, 136
vision, creating, 159–62
Walton, Sam, 170
Weight Watchers, 116
Welch Allyn, 76–81, 82–83, 86, 87, 89–90, 91
Welch, Jack, 24–28; “face reality” as mantra of, 75; firing of bottom 10 percent of work force and, 25, 26–27; “fix, close, or sell” standard and, 25, 26, 130, 198; focus on number one or two in their markets and, 24, 25, 161; intolerant of bureaucracy, 25, 27
“whole vision” paradox, 185–87
winter, tasks of, 42, 43, 44
wisdom, adding in, 109–11
wise people, 122–23, 124–31, 143, 147; receptive to feedback, 126–31; strategies for dealing with, 130–31; traits of, 129–30
wishes, incompatible, 173–76
wishing vs. hoping, 87–89, 91–92, 96
Zevon, Warren, 143