AS SOON AS she walked into Cameron’s house Lola was put on high alert. Her boss was more than a little tetchy as she paced up and down the family room, wringing her hands. Her usually perfect hair was a mess, there were black rings round her eyes, smudged lines of mascara down her cheeks.
‘Cameron? Oh, my goodness, what’s wrong?’
‘Lola.’ She didn’t stop pacing. ‘I thought you said you’d be back soon.’
‘I came as quickly as I could. What is it? You look...well, you look dreadful.’
‘It’s this.’ Cameron picked up her desert warrior dress from the sofa and threw it to Lola. Strange, because all costumes were meant to stay in the wardrobe trailer, not come home. Ever. Everyone knew the rules.
‘Your dress? What’s wrong with it? I know it’s a bit out there, but you’ve been fine about wearing it for the whole film.’
Cameron shook her head. ‘It. Doesn’t. Fit.’
‘What? Where?’
‘Everywhere.’ Her boss sat down on the couch and worried her hands. ‘I’m too big. All over.’
‘That’s okay, we’ll get Maria to let it out. No big deal. I’ll sort it, first thing in the morning.’
‘She’ll ask questions. I can’t...’ She ran her hand across her stomach and Lola looked closer. Her boobs were quite a bit bigger than normal. Her tummy was a little rounded. Cameron looked...well, apart from the make-up mess, she was glowing with health.
Holy. Moly. ‘You’re pregnant.’
‘Yes.’ Her voice was a tiny squeak. The healthy glow had given way to a little green around the lips. Pregnancy explained a lot—the strange diet, the mood swings, the broodiness. The need for a physician. ‘What am I going to do?’
‘What do you want to do?’ Something twisted in Lola’s gut. It wasn’t jealousy as such. Or maybe it was. Lola hadn’t given a thought to settling down and having a family, at least any time in the near or medium future, so she couldn’t fathom why she should suddenly ache for a piece of that. Sympathy hormones, clearly. Get two women in the same room for any amount of time and their hormones fell into sync. She’d clearly been spending way too much time with Cameron.
With this crisis, that would only escalate.
‘Keep it, I think. I don’t know. The timing’s all wrong. But...I didn’t want to even think about it. I didn’t want to be pregnant and it’s taken me a lot of time to get used to the idea. And I have to fit into that dress. I have to wear nineteenth-century corsets and ride a damned horse in a month.’ She took a quick breath and carried on, her words coming faster and faster. ‘I think I felt it kick an hour ago. I don’t know, maybe not, but there was something. A flutter. And now it all feels so real and I’ve been squishing it into this dress, pretending it wasn’t happeni—’
‘Stop it. Stop it, right now.’ Lola stepped forward and took her boss’s hands. She’d started to sound hysterical. ‘Getting worked up won’t be good for your baby. You have to be a mum now, responsible. Think about what it needs, not just what you need.’ That was probably going to be the hardest bit, Lola thought. Then she caught herself—because when Cameron focused on a project she always did it to perfection. ‘You’ll be a great mum. You will.’
Her boss stared at her open-mouthed. Then nodded, slowly. ‘Yes. Yes, of course. And I need to stay calm.’
‘Exactly.’ Although a little hysteria now would be nothing compared to the media furore when word of this got out. Lola would be on call night and day, and could kiss goodbye to any kind of personal life for a while. There would be journalists to deflect, speculation on the baby’s gender, an army of paparazzi whenever Cameron went out. A barrage of baby and maternity wear and gifts that would arrive from companies across the world, wanting Cameron to endorse their brands, and they would need cataloguing and thank-you cards. OB/GYN appointments...tests. A different kind of gym workout. A new menu, probably a new chef who specialised in maternal nutrition. It might even be easier if she moved into Cameron’s for a while.
And...who was the father? Wouldn’t he want a say, wouldn’t she have to co-ordinate diaries? Organise nannies and nurses and research the best diapers—because Cameron always wanted to be seen as eco-conscious because that got more headlines. Not counting private planes and carbon footprints, obviously.
It would be a terrible time for a PA to leave or to demand extra time for herself. Cameron needed her. It would be fine, Lola asserted. It would be okay. Busy, but okay.
‘Look, Cameron, we’ll work it all out. We’ll sit down and make a list and go through it all one thing at a time. When you’re ready. But first off I’ll get out my sewing machine and let out your costume tonight—no one will know, we can say you accidentally left it in your trailer. Next thing; let’s get you something to eat and drink—you need to feed the baby. Thirdly, you don’t have to do Hayley’s Way. You know, you are in charge of your career.’ Lola didn’t miss the irony of those words.
‘Honey, that was my chance for Cannes. It was going to be my career-affirming film.’
‘You’re at the top of your field already, you couldn’t be more career-affirmed. This has happened and now you just have to deal with it. Enjoy it. Carve out some time in your life... It is possible. You can do this. Now, let me make you a cup of mint tea. That’ll help settle you. And a snack. We can talk. Think. Plan.’
This was a very strange end to her day. She couldn’t have imagined when Jake had knocked on her door—
Jake.
She had that same twisting in her gut at the thought of him. If she’d thought that there might be time for any kind of fling then, that was now dead in the ground. There wasn’t going to be any time for her to focus on herself, never mind him, or a relationship, and what guy would put up with that?
This was her life, this was her job, and it was a doorway to a much better place. She just needed to suck it up and do what Bill Lewis had done: make sacrifices, no matter how much they hurt. She had to step up for Cameron.
Oh, but before she did that there was one thing she would do for herself: she would call her family and confess. She would ask her father’s opinion about her script. Then she would put her head down and work in what little spare time she could find. Which meant no Jake.
One day she’d be in a position to put the rest of her life first. To fall in love and have all the trimmings. One day she’d be in control of her timetable enough to have everything. Because that was what she’d have to deny herself to get to that point, everything that other people had—the house, the job, the guy.
One day she’d have time for someone significant. Someone she loved and who loved her right back. It wasn’t a lot to ask, no wild or whacky dreams—she didn’t want anything extraordinary. Something that Mr and Mrs Lewis had would be great. Better than great. A whole lifetime with one person—a life together, memories, children, a commitment.
With Jake?
She wasn’t one hundred per cent sure, but she had a sneaking suspicion that the answer to that question was yes. One day. Just not today.
Or any time soon.
* * *
The dress fitted well after Lola’s late-night alterations. Cameron was pleased that no one had questioned why the costume had disappeared overnight, and the shoot was almost complete. Just a short break then the final lines would be said and the truly dreadful space-desert-odyssey would be a wrap.
Then they would be navigating uncharted territory: announcing the pregnancy and dealing with the fallout; renegotiating the Hayley’s Way contract—a meeting with lawyers and Cameron’s agent had been scheduled for tomorrow.
Lola just had to get through tonight. Seeing Jake. Telling him about having to refocus on her job...pregnancy talk would be strictly off limits. Cameron had made her swear utter secrecy.
Leaving Jake.
She glanced outside the trailer into the car lot and thought for a second that she could see him strolling towards her. But that was wishful thinking. Relief and dread threaded through her; it was madness to feel like this. To want a man so badly and to have to break things off.
She closed her eyes for a moment as a keen pain fisted in her chest. She’d found a good man. One who wanted her—at least, she thought he did. One who made her laugh, made her sigh, made her want things so out of reach. She had two options. She could do what her father did and commit to a relationship at the risk of everything else in his life. Or she could suggest a clean break, enjoy the memories and survive the heartache.
She knew without a shadow of a doubt that she wasn’t her father.
Then she shut off all lines of thought because it was just too hard to keep thinking and rethinking, and seeing Jake’s face in her mind’s eye and remembering his touch and the way he made her feel.
‘So! A great day’s work today so far? A cup of tea, Cameron, while we’re waiting? A smoothie?’
‘Oh, you darling. Peppermint tea, please.’
‘Of course!’
A snuffling at her feet had her looking down at the floor. Jelly clearly wanted some attention, so she bent to pat her and as she did so her hand brushed against Cameron’s bag. There was a script there. Not unusual—Cameron was always working. But it wasn’t the one Cameron was supposed to be reading... Lola’s heart almost stopped. Then it started to thump loud and hard against her ribcage. Her script? How could Cameron have got hold of it? Had she seen it, borrowed it to read? Had she been going through Lola’s things?
This was not okay. ‘Er...excuse me, Cameron?’
‘Yes, honey?’ Her boss was propped up by satin cushions, snoozing, feet up on the couch after a hard hour or two’s acting. She didn’t usually like to be interrupted. But...what the hell?
‘Sorry, but is that...is that...my script you’re reading?’ She could hardly say the words, her mouth was suddenly dry and thick.
‘Why, yes, it is. Jake gave it to me the other day. He said it was good, but he was wrong...’
‘Oh.’ Jake gave it to her? Jake gave it to her? And she hated it.
The actress’s eyes flickered open. She smiled. ‘It wasn’t good, Lola, it was great. I love it. In fact...’ she patted the cushion next to her, inviting Lola to sit ‘...I’d like to option it.’
‘Option it? But you don’t have a production company.’
‘I’m thinking of starting one after the baby comes. We have to diversify as we age, darling.’
Lola tried to control herself, because...well, Cameron was nothing but astute. She’d made a decent career for herself. She wanted to do something with Lola’s script—out of all the scripts she saw month after month.
This was huge.
But Jake! What had he been thinking? Why the hell would he want to step in and take over, when he knew how she felt about being in control of her own life? Had anything she’d said meant anything to him?
‘You know, Cameron...I’m not actually all that sure what I’m going to do with it yet. I wasn’t going to show it to anyone for a little while. Not until I’d made sure it was finished. But...well... Wow. If you think it might work, that would be...’ Lola stood and glanced out the window again. This time she did see Jake striding across the lot, wearing the same guarded expression he’d had last night. ‘Sorry...got to go... I won’t be long.’
Cameron sighed. ‘Take the dogs—?’
Lola didn’t have the wherewithal to listen to Cameron’s next words. Her ears were burning with a raging white noise. She pulled the door closed, stormed down the steps, ignoring the tug in her heart just at the sight of him, and hissed, ‘What on earth did you think you were doing? Showing Cameron my script? How dare you?’
‘Good evening, Lola.’ He stopped short, clearly understanding how important it was right now to keep his distance. ‘You’re going to have to help me out here because I was trying to do a good thing.’
‘That is my script. That is my work. How dare you interfere? I will fashion my career when I’m ready, not when you think’s a good time.’
‘Hey, I thought it might give you a hand up. You’re not exactly pushing yourself forward. I was trying to help. I believe in that script. And you, Lola. I believe in you.’
‘I am sick of people thinking they know what’s best for me. Okay? I will do things the way I want, when I want.’ He was just like her parents. Would no one listen? ‘Besides, I was waiting to hear what my dad said about it.’
His eyebrows rose. ‘You told him? Everything?’
She took a deep breath. It would have been nice to share this in better circumstances but there it was. ‘Yes. I did. He wasn’t thrilled, neither of them were. It was difficult...there were tears...but it’s now out in the open. He said they’d only wanted me to be happy, that I should have told them earlier. Most of all they were disappointed I lied. I get that. I know I did the wrong thing, but I doubt they’d have been open to it before.’
‘Feels better, right?’ Jake reached out and smoothed his hand over her hair. ‘Took some guts.’
It had taken great willpower, but she’d done it because she’d seen what a difference being honest had made to Jake and his father. It was a sound platform for them to develop something better. ‘You bet it did.’
‘I know it did.’ He smiled. ‘So he read it?’
‘He emailed me this morning. He loves it...he’s given me a couple of suggestions for changes. I wanted to make them before I showed it to anyone. Like...you know...Cameron? I can’t believe you took my property and handed it over without asking my permission. That is unforgivable.’
‘We can talk to her.’ He seemed to realise his mistake immediately. ‘Sorry, you can talk to her. Suggest you tweak it a little—ask her if she thinks it needs it. Tell her what you need.’
‘To be honest, I’m not sure she’ll care what I need right now, she’s got other things on her mind.’ In the background, underneath the noise in her ears and Jake’s voice, Lola could hear barking. Lots of barking. She ignored it, raised her voice. ‘Just this once I’m going to let Cameron deal with them.’ She tugged him away from the trailer to a more deserted part of the lot. ‘While I deal with you.’
He came willingly. Annoyingly. Because she wanted him to refuse, she wanted to drag him bodily across the tarmac and cause some serious damage to his lovely leather shoes. Just...well, just because.
She wanted to tell him that she was so damned angry that he’d overstepped the mark. And yet she still wanted him. That he caused too many emotions in her head. That her heart hurt every time she woke up without him. That he’d caused a tsunami of chaos in her life and had made her want so much more. So. Much. More. But she couldn’t have it. She couldn’t focus on what she needed to do, what she’d fought hard for, and give him what he deserved.
She wanted to tell him that of all the emotions he’d imprinted in her, the one that shone so brightly in the centre of her chest was something she was scared of. Scared because it was so huge, so important. So devastating. She wanted to tell him that...that she loved him.
Because surely that was what this was? She loved him. Needed him in her life. She ached to wake up with him. For him to be the last person she thought of every night. For them to have a future.
She closed her eyes. Oh, God. She loved him.
A sharp pain pierced her heart. How had that happened, when she’d tried to convince herself all along that she was in control of her own destiny? Loving Jake wasn’t something she could do—not now. Not here. Not when everything was against them.
Which meant it wasn’t going to be okay. It wasn’t going to be okay at all.
He had the audacity to smile. ‘So is this the part where we kiss and make up?’
‘No, Jake.’ And she started to shake. ‘This is the part where it ends.’
* * *
Jake looked at her—at the way she was standing, hands on hips, trembling with anger, a flashback to the first day he’d met her, which seemed like a lifetime ago and yet was only a matter of weeks. And yet so much had changed. So much that he’d had to work through. More than one sleepless night. But most noticeably, last night, when he’d gone to bed with a definite plan of ending it. It was too complicated. Too hard in a world when clambering to the top of a career was tough enough.
But he’d woken up with such a need to see her that he couldn’t bring himself to conjure up the words. And the moment he’d laid eyes on her again and felt the lift in his heart he’d known that this wasn’t something ordinary. This was the most special thing he’d ever had. And now she was throwing it away because he’d done something lame. To her way of thinking. In his, he’d been doing a darned good thing.
And now here she was, saying the words he’d practised and then dismissed, because he believed in what they had. Believed they had a future if they were prepared to work towards it together.
He looked into the intense brown eyes that were raging with emotions—so many he couldn’t keep up. Anger—yes, there was a lot of that. And desire—that was there too. A little bit of humility and embarrassment. And something else. Something that he connected with so profoundly it stripped the breath from his lungs—so he couldn’t work out why her words and her eyes didn’t match. ‘You want to end it?’
‘Yes.’
‘Because I gave Cameron your script?’
She frowned. ‘No. Don’t be stupid. That’s not a valid reason. Although I am fuming about that. Really bloody angry.’
‘Yes. You are. I can see and I’m sorry. But if it’s not because of that, then why? Why does it have to end?’
‘Because it isn’t a great time for me right now. There’s too much at stake for me to get distracted by something that may come to an end...I can’t risk the rest of my life on you.’ Here her voice cracked. ‘I’m sorry, Jake. We said in Nassau that it was short term. Just for fun. We’ve got to...just stick by that.’
‘Things can change, Lola. We can change with them. Hell, it’s up to us what we do.’
She shook her head vehemently. ‘But that’s where you’re wrong. Your career is established but you still have to do things that interfere with it—like the trip to the Bahamas. Like working here—you didn’t want to do it. It was out of your control. But for me, I’m striving here, I have a plan and I need to follow it.’
‘And that doesn’t include me.’
‘No. I’m sorry.’ She glanced back towards the trailer, where the barking was continuing, as if to prove her point. Cameron was useless without someone to run her life. He got that. But it didn’t have to be all-consuming, did it? Lola shrugged. ‘We have too much to do, too much to create for ourselves before we can commit to settling down. There’s just too much. I can’t do it all—I’m so tired. It’s exhausting trying to sleep and think and feel all these things for you. And then keep on working all hours and write and edit...and still keep on feeling these things.’
He tried to cajole her. Made a joke. ‘You could take a leaf out of my book and learn how to juggle a bit better—if it’s good for the brain, it might work for the heart too.’
‘Not right now, Jake. I’m sorry.’ The corners of her mouth lifted. ‘And Cameron needs me. There’s...things happening.’
She knows Cameron’s pregnant. She knows but she can’t say. And neither could he—because he couldn’t take the risk. If he mentioned it first he’d be blowing all confidentiality and that would risk harming the clinic’s reputation, his job...her work. Her damned plan.
It seemed everything came down to that.
But it wasn’t insurmountable. ‘Other people manage to have relationships and work hard. Plenty.’
‘And many don’t. Relationships suffer or someone has to compromise—like my dad did. Give up a dream. Regret. God, I don’t want that to happen. I don’t want to look at my kids with that in my eyes. That would break my heart...’
He already felt as if his already had. ‘Don’t I get a say in any of this? What about what I want? What if I think it can work? What if I say I want it to?’
She reached her hand to his chest and laid her palm there. ‘One day. One day we’ll both be in the right space to do this.’
‘What? You’ll call me? You’ll call and say, Hey, I’m ready now? And you think I’ll come running? When? A year? Five? Ten? You think this is going to stay in here?’ He pointed to his heart and, yes, he knew he’d still feel these things for her in a year, two, a decade. His heart felt blown open, raw. She’d taught him how to live again and now she wanted to cut off his damned oxygen. He wanted to fight, wanted to grab her and talk sense in to her. But this impossibly positive woman didn’t think it would work. And if she didn’t think it would work—if she couldn’t make it work by infusing everything with a zillion of her jolly exclamation points—then they were certainly totally doomed. ‘You want to take a chance on that? On us both being in the right space at the right time some time in the future?’
‘It’s all I’ve got, Jake.’ She had to raise her voice a little, as the barking was louder now. She took two steps away from him. Might well have been a hundred. ‘I’m sorry, I really think I’d better go and see what’s happening—’
‘Go to Cameron. Figures.’
‘Jake, I’ve got to—’
‘You want to prioritise a job you don’t even want over a relationship? It doesn’t add up, Lola. You’re not making sense.’ She was about to argue back, he could see, but he rattled on. Unable to stop. ‘What the hell are you scared of?’
She was defiant, chin in the air. ‘Scared? I’m not scared. You just don’t understand what it’s like to finally start to live a life you want, instead of moulding yourself on someone else’s dream.’
‘Are you really saying I don’t know what it’s like to have parents who have poured their whole lives into yours? Really? You saw my father, Lola. I live with that every single day.’
Her hands fisted at her sides. Tears pricked her eyes but she blinked them away. ‘I’m saying you don’t know what it’s like to fight your way out of that. It was suffocating. Too much pressure. Too much living someone else’s life. I need to live my own life. I need to know that I can make it. On my own.’
‘And that doesn’t include compromise? Or falling in love? Or taking a risk? Not a great life, Lola.’
‘Right now it’s the best I can do. I’m not afraid to make hard choices. I’m sorry, Jake. So sorry.’ She turned to leave but he grabbed her wrist, pulled her to him and felt the tight press of her body against his. The way her bones moulded against his, the way her eyes told him of the way she truly felt and the way her mouth said words he didn’t want to hear.
So he did the only thing that made sense and he cut the words off. He slammed his mouth over hers and kissed her with everything he had. For a moment she kissed him back with just the same amount of force. But then she pulled away. Her eyes were filled with tears and she put a hand to her mouth as if holding in a cry. Then she swallowed and shook her head. ‘Jake, I can’t. I want to. But I can’t.’
With that she turned and ran back towards the trailer.
Jake shoved his hands into his pockets. Walked back towards the set where Alfredo gave him a warm smile and indicated for him to sit and watch them inch towards the final take of the worst movie in living history. And in his chest a fist of darkness tightened. He’d lost her. Lost her to this crazy life where nothing was real, where nothing made sense—not least his raging emotions. And there was absolutely nothing he could do about it. He felt like a raw exposed nerve. A damned artery, leaking hope, that he couldn’t cauterise.
‘A-a-a-nd action!’ Alfredo called, and silence descended across the fake lunarscape. The leading man started to crawl across the floor, maimed and injured after a supposed alien attack. But the set of his jaw told the hushed audience that he would rise again and fight back.
Jake almost laughed. Go on, man. Fight for all you’re worth. Sometimes you just can’t win, no matter what you do.
Then out of the silence rose a terrified cry. Then another. And his heart began to drum. Because it wasn’t on set, it was out in the car lot.
It was Lola, screaming his name.