“Thank you, dear.”
“You don’t have to thank me,” I say, placing the last of the dishes in the cabinet.
“I know, but it’s the very least I can do. You and Aiden do so much for me,” Edna says.
“Because we like you.” I give her a wink and toss the dishrag over my shoulder. “And because you make us cookies. There’s nothing better than your homemade cookies. Speaking of,” I say, eyeing the container on the stove, “are those for me?”
Edna laughs. “Who else would they be for?”
“See, fair trade. Dishes for cookies. I’m going to throw this rag in the laundry; I’ll be right back.”
I disappear down the hall, toss the rag in the laundry room, and come back with a fresh load from the dryer. She must’ve thrown it in before I got here.
“Oh, you don’t have to fold that,” Edna scoffs. I flash her a hard look—well, as hard of a look as you can give a sweet old woman—and she caves. “Fine, but I’m helping you because I know how much you hate laundry.”
“Deal. You know, we could probably sneak your clothes in with mine and make Aiden do both of ours.”
Edna laughs.
I put the laundry basket in the middle of the table and reach for a towel, while Edna snags a pair of silky pink underwear.
“Edna…” I leave her name hanging in the air and lift a brow.
She laughs, folds her undies, and sets them on the chair beside her. “How was the date last night?”
“I thought you would’ve read the blog post.”
“I did,” she says, offering me a sympathetic smile. “I just thought that maybe you’d want to talk about it.”
“I don’t.”
“Okay.” She nods. “Can I ask how things are with you and Aiden after what happened yesterday?”
I lift a shoulder. “They’re okay. He came over after my date, and we talked.”
“About?”
“Stuff. He apologized for what he said and then…”
“And then…”
I blow out a breath and look at Edna. “He’s changing the game on me, and I’m not ready for it.”
“How so?”
“He asked me out the other night, but it wasn’t the first time. He’s made a few comments over the last several months about us dating or him taking me out.”
“And that’s a bad thing?”
“It’s a horrible thing. My heart isn’t ready for him, Edna, and I don’t know if it’ll ever be.” I set the towel aside, grab a blouse, and proceed to tell Edna about the first and only time I’ve ever had my heart broken.
By the time I finish, she’s watching me with glossy eyes. “Oh, Lizzie. I’m so sorry, I had no idea.”
“I want to say ‘yes’ to him, but I can’t.” A tear trails down my cheek, and I wipe it away. “I just can’t because I don’t think our friendship could survive another mishap like that.”
“Your friendship, or your heart?”
I set the blouse on the table and look at Edna. “Both.”
She nods. “Maybe he has changed. Maybe he won’t hurt you again.”
“Maybe. Maybe not. I’m not sure if I’m ready to find out.”
“That’s understandable. So, until then, you’ll keep using those dating thingies?”
“Apps.”
“Whatever. You’ve been using them for a while now, and you still haven’t met a suitable man.”
“And…”
“Maybe you should try to find love, or a man, or whatever you’re looking for, the old-fashioned way.”
“The old-fashioned way?”
She nods. “You know, out in public instead of on an electronic device.”
“And how exactly would you propose I do that?”
“You young people.” Edna shakes her head and smiles. “You have to get out of the house, Lizzie.”
“I do, a couple of times a week when I go on dates, and when I take you to the Senior Center.”
“No, I mean you have to get out and live. Go to the park or the library, check out different bookstores or coffee shops. Meet real people out in the real world. Strike up a conversation and, if you feel a spark, act on it. What better time than now? School is out, and you have the summer off.”
“I don’t know, Edna. Dating isn’t that easy anymore.”
“Or maybe you’re making it too hard. Maybe all you need is to mix things up a bit, ditch those apps, and let fate take the wheel.”
“Fate, huh?” I say, pulling my bottom lip between my teeth while I contemplate what she’s saying.
I can’t say I haven’t thought about it myself, I just always figured it would be harder that way. But maybe she’s right. Perhaps I’m making it harder. Maybe I need to switch tactics.
“So, you’re saying I need to walk into the grocery store and get my food rather than ordering it online and picking it up?”
“You can do that?”
I nod. “It’s glorious.”
“You need to go inside.”
“Okay. And I guess you want me to stop using Uber Eats, too?”
“Huh?”
“Nothing. I appreciate the advice, and I’ll think about it.”
“Don’t think too hard, the right guy is out there waiting.”
“From your lips to God’s ears. Now, let’s finish folding this laundry.”
“Another hot date?”
“No, I’m going to hot yoga,” I say, laughing. “But when you say it like that, I feel like a hussy. I’ll have you know I haven’t even kissed a man in four months.”
“Grocery store, Lizzie. Go to the damn grocery store.”
Aiden
“How are you going to prove it to her?” Calvin asks, referring to my last conversation with Lizzie. I just finished telling him the events of what happened last evening. First, he reamed my ass for the way I talked to her, and now this.
“Why don’t you seem surprised by any of this?”
Calvin laughs and shakes his head. “Because I’m not. I knew this day would come. Honestly, I’m shocked it didn’t happen sooner.”
“You knew what day would come? Me asking for girl advice?”
“No, dumbass. You falling in love with Lizzie. And for what it’s worth, I’m happy for you. She’s amazing and perfect for you.”
“You’re right, she is, but I’m not falling in love.”
“You sure about that?”
Damnit. I’ve never been so unsure of something in my life. What I do know is that I can’t stop thinking about her. She’s the first thing on my mind when I wake up, and the last thing I think about when I go to bed. I’m going crazy watching her date these assholes when I know that I would treat her so much better.
“That’s what I thought.” Calvin puts his hand on my shoulder. “Don’t freak out. Falling in love is scary as hell, but one of the best things that’ll ever happen to you. I promise. My only advice: don’t fuck it up. Play your cards right, and before you know it, she’ll be moving in, leaving her fruity-smelling shit all over the bathroom counter, and doing your laundry.”
“Laundry. Shit. I forgot to grab Lizzie’s laundry.” I pull my phone from my pocket and shoot her a quick text.
Me: You home? I’m doing laundry today and I need to grab yours.
“Why are you doing her laundry? I didn’t realize she already had you pussy-whipped.”
“I’m not.” I look at my big brother. “It’s a long, boring story that I’m sure you don’t have time for.”
He’s about to respond when my phone rings with a FaceTime call from Lizzie. “Hey,” I say, connecting to the call.
Lizzie smiles and waves. Her face is beet red, her hair is a sweaty mess, and I still find her insanely attractive.
“Where are you?” I ask.
Lizzie holds up the phone and points it toward a giant empty room. The walls are lined with mirrors, and there are colorful mats on the floor. Emily and Sarah both wave at me from a few feet away, and I wave back.
“Hot yoga,” she says, turning the screen back to her face.
“Again?”
“It’s fun.”
“And the instructor is muy caliente,” Calvin says, mimicking the way she’d said it at The Busy Bean the other day, even waving a hand in front of his face for flare.
I elbow him in the gut, and he grunts.
“Is that Calvin?”
Calvin grabs my phone and smiles at the screen. “Hey, pretty girl.”
Lizzie smiles. “What are you two doing today?”
“Just stopped by to give this guy a hard time,” he says, hooking a thumb in my direction. “I’m getting ready to leave, and he’s going to do your laundry.”
Lizzie’s face lights up. “Oh, good! It’s piling up.”
“Can I add my laundry to it? Millie hates doing laundry.”
“No, you can’t.” I snatch my phone back and move across the room.
“Tell Calvin not to leave,” Lizzie says. “You might need his help carrying the laundry baskets.”
“Jesus, woman, how much laundry do you have?”
She shrugs. “Only four loads.”
“Four loads?” How on Earth does a woman produce that much laundry?
“What?” she says, high-fiving Emily. “I’ve been saving it up because I knew you would lose. Plus, there’s towels and my bedding. I plan on taking full advantage of this arrangement.”
“I can tell.”
“This’ll teach you to bet me.”
“Wait, you’re doing her laundry because you lost a bet? What the hell did you bet on?” Calvin asks.
“Nothing.” I shove my brother away when he tries to get in front of the phone. Lizzie, Sarah, and Emily are all laughing.
“I’ll tell you later,” Lizzie yells for Calvin to hear.
“Deal.”
“I’m hanging up now,” I say.
“Wait. I won’t be home for a while, but you know how to get into my apartment.”
“Yeah, yeah.” I end the call and catch my brother trying to sneak out my front door. “Stop.”
Calvin sighs and turns around. “I’ve got to get to work.”
“Bullshit. You own the business. You can go in whenever you feel like it. Help me get Lizzie’s laundry.”
Calvin moans and bitches but follows me to Lizzie’s apartment. He waits by the front door while I grab the first basket. I hand it to him, and he turns for my apartment while I go grab another basket.
On my way down the hall, I see Lizzie’s laptop sitting on the kitchen table. It’s open, but the screen is black. I keep walking and then come to a halt when I remember how quickly she shut it the other night when I showed up at her place. She was being secretive about whatever she was doing. The question is, why?
Curiosity gets the best of me. I set the laundry basket down and walk into the kitchen.
I hear the front door shut and feel Calvin step up behind me. “Whatever you’re thinking of doing, forget about it. Walk away, man.”
“I’m not thinking anything.”
“Bull. I can see it on your face, and I’m telling you right now that nothing good is going to come from you snooping through her laptop.”
“I’m not snooping. I haven’t even touched it.” But I want to. I know it’s wrong, but damnit, I want to. I nudge her flimsy kitchen table with my knee. The jolt causes the mouse to move, and would you look at that, Lizzie’s computer comes to life.
I grin at Calvin.
His lips press in a firm line. “I don’t care how you finagle this. It’s wrong.”
“How is it wrong if she left her laptop sitting out. Maybe you should scold her for being irresponsible.”
“The only irresponsible thing she’s done is trusting you and failing to put a password on her wake screen. She probably doesn’t think you’d stoop to this level of snooping.”
“Would you quit using that word?” I say, pulling out a kitchen chair. “I’m not snooping, I’m looking. She left her laptop on the table, I happened to walk by—”
“You’re sitting down,” he points out.
“You’re such a buzzkill.” I roll my eyes and scoot my chair forward. “I walked by, my legs were tired from carrying her laundry, so I sat down. I can’t help it that her laptop is sitting out in the open.”
“I carried her laundry.” Calvin shakes his head. “This is wrong.”
“Stop pacing. When did you become such a pussy? Never mind, I already know it was the day you met Millie, whom I love dearly,” I add.
“I’ll tell her you said that,” he says dryly.
“Please do. Would you also tell her to give me my best friend back? Come on, Cal, you used to live for this stuff.”
“No, I lived for having fun. Drinking beer, chasing girls, driving fast cars. I was never one for prying into someone’s personal life, which I’m pretty sure is illegal.”
“You’re telling me that you’ve never once wanted to look through Millie’s emails? Or scroll through her texts just to see who she’s talking to?”
Calvin shakes his head. “Absolutely not. I trust her.”
“And I trust Lizzie.”
“Then what’s this about?”
“Nothing, really. I’m just curious.”
“I don’t believe that for a second. I haven’t seen you go through this much trouble since you seduced the teacher’s aide our freshman year of college.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about. I’ve only ever had eyes for Lizzie.”
“Right. And I’m the Pope. Now, why don’t you cut the shit and tell me why you’re really doing this?”
“Fine,” I concede. “The other night, she slammed her laptop shut when I walked into the room, and when I asked about what she was doing, she pretended it was nothing. The trouble with that is that I’ve known Lizzie since Jesus was a baby.”
“And?”
“And her right eye twitches when she lies. Whatever she was doing wasn’t nothing.”
“Maybe she’s sending nude pics to some dude and doesn’t want you to see.”
I glare at Calvin, wondering which body part of his I should break first. “Not funny, man.”
“Damnit.” Calvin pushes his fingers through his hair. “If you hadn’t been such a tool in college, Lizzie probably wouldn’t be playing hard to get, and this wouldn’t be an issue.”
“I prefer ladies’ man. And it was a rite of passage or some shit, I think. The important part is that I’ve changed. I’ve grown and matured.”
“Says the man sneaking a peek at his best friend’s private computer.”
“If you’re uncomfortable with me glancing at a laptop that was left out in the open, then leave.”
Calvin huffs, grabs the abandoned laundry basket, and walks away.
My heart races as I turn to look at Lizzie’s computer. I know that what I’m doing is wrong, but I’m desperate, and desperate times call for desperate measures. Plus, I’m not going to touch her computer. I’m going to look at whatever is on the screen.
I’m not sure what I expect to see when I focus on the laptop. Maybe a dating site or conversational thread between her and some faceless dude, or hell, perhaps porn. What I don’t expect is an article or, scratch that, a blog.
The Boyfriend Blog
June 20, 2019
Goodbye dating apps
No, your eyes aren’t deceiving you. Yes, you read that right. I’m getting rid of my dating apps. Every single one of them. *Gasp* I know! It’s scary as hell, and in a world when finding a decent man is nearly impossible, you’re probably wondering what I’m going to do. Well, I’ll tell you, but first, let me explain how this came about.
I’ve talked before about my eighty-year-old neighbor. She’s funny and sweet and has never understood why I was using a program to meet a guy. This morning, she suggested that I try things the old-fashioned way.
If you’re anything like me, you’re probably scratching your head. The old-fashioned way? You mean like going out in public and meeting a person face-to-face rather than looking at an online profile?
YES!
That’s exactly what she’s talking about. And I’ll admit that my initial reaction was, this lady is bat-shit crazy. There’s no way I’m going to meet a man in public. But then I thought about it, and maybe she’s right.
Come on, ladies, how nice would it be to meet a man and connect face-to-face rather than read through a lengthy online profile where he uploaded a picture of himself that’s at least ten years old? You could scope a person out, decide if you like what you see, and then make your move…or not.
Stop rolling your eyes at me and just think about it for a second. We spend hours talking with guys online, hoping and praying that they’re not a total creeper when we meet them in person. Instead, we could meet someone in person, strike up a conversation, and let things progress naturally.
I don’t know about you, but that sounds wonderful to me, which is why I’ve decided to put my neighbor’s theory to the test. Goodbye dating apps, hello grocery store, library, bookstore, dog park, and any other place I can think of to find a man.
Who’s with me?
Just kidding. Calm down. I don’t expect you to follow in my footsteps. Not right away, at least. I’ll happily be the guinea pig. I’ll test the waters and report back, and then you can decide if the old-fashioned way might be right for you.
XOXO,
Liz
I scrub a hand down my face. Holy shit. Liz has to be Lizzie. I know I said I wasn’t going to touch her laptop, but I can’t stop now. I grab her mouse and scroll down to read the comments.
COMMENTS
Go girl! I think this is a wonderful idea and I can’t wait to see how it works out for you. –Erika.
When are you going to start this new adventure? –Lillian
- Today. I have yoga and then coffee with my sister, and then I’m hitting up the grocery store. Wish me luck! –Liz
I know from FaceTiming her that she’s done with yoga, which means she’s probably having coffee with Emily now, and I can catch her at the grocery store.
“Yes!” I fist pump the air and jump from the chair, not bothering to read the rest of the comments.
Calvin walks by and holds his hands up. “Whatever it is, I don’t want to know.”
“She’s giving up dating apps,” I shout.
“Not listening,” he yells, but when he comes back down the hall holding another laundry basket, he stops. “How does her giving up dating apps help you?”
“I thought you didn’t want to know?”
“You’re right, I don’t.” Calvin shakes his head and walks for the front door.
“She’s going to start dating the old-fashioned way by meeting men in public.”
Calvin stops. “In public?”
I nod.
“Like out in public?”
“Yep. She’s going to go to the grocery store and the dog park and the library and—”
“I get it,” he interrupts. “But how does this benefit you?”
I point to her computer. “She’s blogging about it. All I have to do is figure out where she’s going and show up there.”
“So you can…what? Intercept any potential boyfriends?”
“I hadn’t really thought that far, but yeah, pretty much.”
Calvin frowns. “You don’t think she’s going to get suspicious when you start popping up places?”
I scratch my head and shrug. “Maybe. I don’t know. I’ll come up with something.” I watch Calvin for a few seconds and then say, “What are you thinking?”
He shakes his head. “I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but I’m thinking it might work.”
If Calvin thinks it’ll work, it’ll work. “Yeah?”
He nods. “The hard part is going to be figuring out where she’s planning to go and when.”
An idea pops into my head. One so genius that it’s too good to be true. “I’ll use her blog to find out.”
“How?”
“I’ll subscribe to her blog using a fake email.”
“A fake email? Christ, Aiden, if she finds out about this, she’ll be pissed. She may never talk to you again.”
“How’s she going to find out? I’m not going to tell her.” I give him a hard look, and Calvin purses his lips together.
“You’re asking me to lie for you?”
“Not lie. Omit. And it’s for a good cause.” I can tell Calvin isn’t fully on board, so I take a step forward and put a hand on his shoulder. “I need to get out of the Friend Zone. I won’t take it too far, and I’ll get rid of the fake account as soon as I think I have a fighting chance, but I need a little help to get started, and this is it.”
“Aiden—”
“Come on, bro, you have to back me on this. Lizzie is it for me. I want what you and Millie have, and I want it with Lizzie.”
That gets to him. Calvin’s face softens. “Fine. But just so it’s noted, I’m doing this for—”
“I know, I know, you’re doing it because you feel sorry for my pathetic ass.”
Calvin tilts his head and studies me. “I don’t think you’re pathetic.”
While I was jacking around in high school, Calvin was plowing his way through college. He graduated six years ahead of me with his MBA. Mom and Dad couldn’t have been prouder. They had one dream for their kids: success. Success would’ve been going to med school like they wanted me to do or following in Calvin’s footsteps and joining him at his accounting firm. Success wasn’t becoming a video game designer. It doesn’t matter how many hit video games my name is associated with, or how much money I have rolling in, they still see it as a profession that lacks respect. It doesn’t bother me coming from them because I’m used to it, but I don’t want to hear it from Calvin. He’s more than my best friend and big brother. He’s my mentor.
I turn away, but he grabs my arm. “I don’t think you’re pathetic,” he says again. “I was going to say that I’m doing it for Lizzie because she deserves to be happy, and I know you’ll treat her like a queen.”
Because she is a queen. My queen. “You do?”
“Yes. You might’ve been a punk growing up, but when you say you’ve changed, I believe you. I’ve watched it happen. I also believe that no man on this planet will love her the way you will.
“That means a lot to me.”
Calvin sets the laundry basket down and pulls me in for a hug. “I’d love to stay and talk about our feelings, but I’ve got work that needs to be done, and you still have four loads of laundry to do. I’ll drop this one off at your apartment, but there’s still one more load in Lizzie’s bathroom. Now”—he cuffs the side of my arm—“go get your girl.”