Shame is an elusive concept. Although it has been studied periodically since the 1950s, it is far less well understood than its closest neighbor, guilt. Only recently have many books on shame begun to appear.
Some of the reasons for this neglect are historical accidents. For example, Sigmund Freud, the founder of psychoanalysis, happened to focus his attention on guilt rather than shame. Later, anthropologists thought that guilt was a higher level, more sophisticated feeling than shame. They assumed that advanced Western societies did not have or need shame.
Still, probably a better reason for shame’s elusiveness is people’s natural response to shame experiences: to hide and withdraw. The last thing most deeply shamed persons want to do is to talk about this feeling. They often conceal their shame even during therapy, preferring instead to discuss their anger, sadness, or fears. It is hard to admit feelings of shame. It is equally difficult to face others with that feeling. The result is that individuals become isolated from other people just when they need them the most — when they feel most disgraced and ashamed.
What is shame? It is more than a feeling. It is a set of physical responses (such as looking down or blushing) combined with predictable actions (such as hiding or withdrawing from others), uncomfortable thoughts (such as I am a failure in life), and spiritual despair. Our definition of shame is that it is a painful belief in one’s basic defectiveness as a human being.
This book is divided into three sections. In the first section, we will attempt to grasp the shame experience by describing it carefully and by contrasting ordinary, constructive shame (shame you can use to improve your life) with the problems of excessive shame. Our basic belief is that shame can be a healthy and useful feeling (although painful). But it can also become unhealthy, especially when someone has too much of it. Deeply shamed persons suffer greatly. They cannot use their shame to improve their lives.
The second section covers the five different sources of shame:
A person might be affected by any one or more of these influences. The important point is that there is no single source of shame that applies to everybody. Many badly shamed persons grew up with critical and unsupportive parents. Others are more influenced by shaming events in their adulthood, such as being married to a verbally abusive person. Still others’ shame appears to come from a genetic predisposition, or their shame may reflect cultural bias and discrimination. Finally; certain persons are their own worst shamers. These people relentlessly attack themselves even when others try to support them.
We will learn guidelines for healing shame in the third section. Healing begins with understanding and is followed by action. Healing shame will require us to
When we start healing shame, we will be moving toward humanity, humility, autonomy, and competence. We’ll be able to say, I am human, no better or worse than others, unique, and good enough as I am.
Exercises for your personal growth are located at the end of each chapter. We think these will be useful for you, particularly if you believe you have a significant problem with shame. Be sure to take your time with these exercises. You may want to begin a notebook where you can write your answers to the exercises, seeing just where shame is in your life and how you can turn bad shame into good shame. It might be a good idea to find someone you trust with whom you can discuss what you write down and think about.
We believe that you who are damaged by your shame can heal. You will need energy, patience, and persistence. You will also need understanding and courage. Above all, you will need hope — a deep faith that nobody needs to remain forever in personal despair. People who heal their shame discover they are freer to live lives that center around self-respect, dignity, honor, and realistic pride.
Shame and guilt could be called the interpersonal emotions, because both tell us there is something wrong between us and the rest of the world. Both ask us to look at ourselves carefully and to make changes in our lives. Another similarity is that both shame and guilt can be valuable in moderation, but damaging when too strong. Too much of either emotion may be overwhelming.
There are important differences between shame and guilt. First, shame concerns a person’s failure of being, while guilt points to a failure of doing. Shamed people believe something is basically wrong with them as human beings, while the guilty people believe they have done something wrong that must be corrected. Of course, a person could experience both shame and guilt at the same time. For example, the spouse who breaks his vow to be faithful may be full of remorse. He might say to himself that he has done something very bad — an admission of guilt. He might also believe he is weak, defective, or disgusting and that there must be something inherently wrong with him — all indicators of shame.
A second major difference is that the shamed people usually are bothered by their shortcomings, while guilty people notice their transgressions. People who are ashamed often see themselves as not being good enough, as failing to reach their goals in life. The shamed person thinks she is not as smart as her fellow workers, not as attractive as her mother, not as kind as her partner, not as interesting as her friends. By contrast, the guilty individual has gone too far, write Gerhart Piers and Milton Singer in their book, Shame and Guilt. She says to herself, I wish I hadn’t done that. I have harmed others, and I feel bad.
The third difference between shame and guilt is that the shamed person fears abandonment, while the guilty person fears punishment. The reason the shamed person fears abandonment is that he believes he is too flawed to be wanted or valued by others. Someone who does not like or respect himself very much often expects others to leave him as soon as they realize he is less than perfect. The guilty person expects and fears punishment, because he has done something wrong and has to pay the price. The punishment might be as minor as a slap on the wrist or as great as a prison term.
Shame can be more difficult to heal than guilt, because it is about the person rather than specific actions. The shamed person heals by changing her self-concept so that she gains new self-respect and pride. Normally a slow and sometimes painful process, this involves looking deeply at our basic assumptions about our place in the universe.
Sometimes, the problems of shame and guilt blend into each other until it is almost impossible to distinguish between them. The person who begins with the question, “How could I have done something like that?” may be focusing attention on either the “that” or on the “I” part of the question. “How could I have done that?” implies a concern with behavior, transgression, and guilt. “How could I have done that?” implies a concern with identity, shortcomings, and shame. A person may very easily ask both halves of this question in sequence or even at the same time. Guilt leads toward shame and vice versa.
As a reader of this book, you may need to exercise patience. You naturally want relief from bad shame as quickly as possible. But as you read this book and think about shame, the problem may seem to be temporarily intensified. Stick with us. We will show you how to deal with bad shame, and how good, temporary shame is an important part of healthy living.
We have chosen to concentrate on the subject of shame in this book largely because so much less has been written about it than guilt, and because shame has been so poorly understood. Our focus will be on how you view yourself. Our goal is to help you learn to appreciate yourself more as valuable human beings with something important to contribute to the world.