“That’s one day I will never forget. I thought I was the best athlete in the whole world when I won the regional and made state. I felt humiliated when I didn’t even place in the finals. But now, when I look back, I’m almost glad I lost. I learned that day that I would have to work hard to do something with my life. Up till then I had a free ride.”
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He could bear the shame no longer. Every day his wife told him that he was a failure in his career and a lousy father as well. He had begun to dread even coming home. He felt more and more like a failure. Finally, he realized that he had to listen to his shame. He needed to confront the problems in his marriage, or he would never get rid of that terrible sick feeling in his gut.
* * * * * * * * * *
She had an excellent job as a factory manager. Her future seemed assured. Unfortunately, her shame kept nagging at her. “You know this is not what you want to be doing with your life,” it seemed to say. “You are selling yourself short by not completing your education.”
* * * * * * * * * *
“I used to eat all the time when I felt bad. I ran away from my feelings, especially my shame. Now, I realize that my shame is part of me. Instead of running from it, I take the time to listen to what my body is trying to tell me. I’m less afraid of shame than before.”
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The term good shame may sound like a contradiction. What good can come from this basically uncomfortable feeling? we may ask ourselves. We need to realize shame can have great value, as long as we are not overwhelmed by it. The person who experiences shame becomes acutely aware of who he is and the boundary between himself and others. Carl Schneider writes in Shame, Exposure and Privacy that there would be no sense of privacy or intimacy without shame. Shame also promotes humanity, humility, autonomy, and competence. Certain shame feelings can be good in the same way that anger, sadness, and fear — painful emotions — tell us something is very wrong in our life and motivate us to do something to change.
Excessive shame is bad shame. Excessive shame can trap a person in a cage of self-hatred, despair, and worthlessness. It can drive people away from each other so relationships are damaged or abandoned. Excessive shame leads to paralysis when someone says to himself, I am so defective that I will never get better. I might as well give up.
Not enough shame is also bad shame. People who are shame-deficient don’t have a very clear idea of who they are. They have little understanding of anybody’s need for boundaries. Intimacy is difficult because it demands privacy and modesty, both of which people who are shame-deficient are missing or have in short supply.
Good shame, by contrast, is a temporary state that tells us something is seriously wrong in our relationship with the world. It tells us that the connection between us and other people is broken and needs fixing. Good shame is like having a true friend, one who is not afraid to tell you that you are messing up your life. A good friend may sometimes have to tell you the truth, even when that truth is painful to both of you. This friend demonstrates her love and respect for you by sticking with you during troubled times. She shows her courage by confronting problems before they become unsolvable.
We can use our shame constructively when we develop the ability to listen to the important messages we receive along with the shame. Some of these messages are:
These are valuable communications that should not be ignored. But they are temporary messages. Good shame tells us that something is wrong now and invites us to examine our life and perhaps change our thoughts or actions. The person who can listen to, and act on, his shame instead of running away from it will eventually feel better about himself. The payoff is that the person who makes friends with his shame will gradually gain more self-respect.
Shame is a great teacher. The person who feels a moment of shame can learn much about himself and about others. For example, the man in Chapter One who withered in the face of his employer’s minor criticism discovered that he doubts his own right to be a successful businessman.
The shamed person is self-conscious. She is aware of her appearance, mannerisms, habits, and expressions. She watches and judges herself even while she wonders what others are thinking about her. Like the adolescent who spends hours in front of the mirror, the shamed person scrutinizes herself for flaws. She may become aware of a wide variety of shortcomings not only in her looks, but more importantly in her actions and in her relationships with others. A shamed person can use this knowledge to change what she says and does.
Shame is an uncomfortable feeling. That is why people who are not paralyzed by their shame will utilize it to alter their behavior. Some of these changes may be relatively small, such as avoiding future embarrassment by wearing more appropriate clothing to a social gathering. But shame also brings much more serious matters to our attention.
One theme we have noticed in working with people in our therapy practice: shame must be faced courageously for it to be useful. The person who is terrified of her shame and only wants to avoid it gains nothing from shame except fear and pain. The person who will stand up to her shame grows right through her discomfort into a richer and more meaningful awareness of who she is and what she is doing on this planet.
Since shame is about feeling we are complete failures, not just about one or two actions we have taken, it is easy to become discouraged and pessimistic when dealing with shame issues. Shame can be difficult to change because it strikes at the very core of a person’s existence. It can be quite tenacious. But shame does not have to be a permanent condition. The person who pays careful attention to his shame without being completely intimidated by it will find tremendous value in that temporary state. Shame can be paired with hope just as well as with despair.
The overly shamed person often believes that something is basically wrong in the way he relates to others. He thinks that he deserves disapproval. He feels socially defective. When he compares himself with others, he tends only to notice his weaknesses. He probably sees himself as less intelligent, handsome, and attractive than he really is. The extremely shamed person becomes continually conscious of such shortcomings.
But good shame is moderate and temporary. Most persons will feel this type of shame when a problem arises between themselves and at least one other person. This feeling of shame may be necessary for someone to realize that she is in trouble. Again, good shame leads toward self-awareness, which then promotes effective work in relationships.
Shame issues may be small or great in scope. It may be no big deal when a person suddenly recognizes that he has been making a fool of himself by joking around too often. Or it may be a big deal. He may realize that all his life he has invited attention through acts of self-humiliation. His sudden shame about this behavior is a sign that he wants to change. This temporary shame may help him eventually face the world with dignity and self-respect.
The potential to feel shame is always present in our relationships with others. That feeling of shame may tell a person to retreat from a relationship, long enough for her to try to understand what has gone wrong. The shame experience might even force someone to question the value of maintaining a relationship. For example, if almost every time a woman meets another person and she comes away full of shame, she may recognize that the relationship is fundamentally flawed. Relationships that center around shame are unhealthy. Those that cannot be converted to focus on mutual respect and dignity may have to be severed for the sake of both parties.
Most relationships occasionally drift into shaming patterns. One partner will call the other a name; the other responds by pointedly ignoring the comment. The shame that either or both persons experience acts as a clear signal that the relationship has been damaged. The message in its simplest form is this: “What has just happened has triggered my shame. Let’s stop before we hurt each other more.”
Shame carries with it a sense of urgency. The shamed individual will be strongly motivated to do something to feel better. Relationships in which both partners are sensitive to shame will be improved in the long run when the partners attend carefully to each other’s pain.
Shame can act paradoxically. At first, the shamed person usually wants to run away from others. But, ultimately, the shamed person seeks connection with others. He feels disconnected, yet hopes somehow to return to the warmth of family and friends. Good shame guides the outcast back into the community.
Shame is a powerful but manageable experience for most persons. But there is much more to shame than simply surviving it. Moderate shame can help people discover (and rediscover) important truths about life.
Four of these truths are the principles of humanity, humility, autonomy, and competence.
This material will be described in more detail later in the book. For now, we just want to emphasize that shame can have great value. What person could ever discover her basic sense of humanity if she succeeded in everything she did? What person could accept the limits of the human condition if she never experienced embarrassment? Shame consistently deflates egos before people get so inflated with pride and arrogance that they lose contact with other people.
If we can laugh at ourselves, we can gain from our shame. Can we see the irony when a mere human being begins to see himself either as God’s greatest gift to the species, or as the lowliest worm that ever slithered through the mud?
Here is an example from our lives of the value of shame. A few years ago, Ron was asked to attend an “important” meeting at the university where he taught. He put on his best suit in the morning and left for the campus. By the time he got to the stairs leading to the meeting room, he was full of self-importance. Loaded with false pride, he jogged up, hoping a lot of people were noticing him right then. His head began to lift upward to reflect his feelings of superiority. Perhaps that is why he tripped on the stairs and crashed to the floor.
As Ron was on his way to the floor, he thought, I hope nobody is watching me now! What a contrast. The moment before, he wanted everyone to pay attention to him. Now he fervently wished for invisibility. His sudden shame made him feel temporarily like the biggest fool on earth.
Without humor, this “fall from glory” could have been disastrous. A person who is deeply shamed might think this accident proves that he is really a bad person who deserves to be humiliated in public. But Ron believes that the message for him in this incident is that he is neither as great as he would like to be, nor as awful as he feels when he embarrasses himself with his clumsiness. He is simply human.
We all face shame in one form or another. Shame is neither always good nor always bad. The important thing is what we do with our shame. When shame is recognized, accepted, and used to investigate our relationship with ourselves and with others, it is a beneficial feeling. Moderate shame promotes self-awareness and an appreciation of relationships. It can act as a guideline for leading meaningful and rich lives.
Some shame is necessary for us to develop into contributing members of society. Shame is most helpful when we receive it in small or moderate doses that do not overwhelm us with despair. Good shame needs to be embraced rather than avoided, and welcomed rather than feared. We need to learn how to become friends with this shame.
Unfortunately, many things can go wrong in the arena of shame. Overwhelming shame can damage the individual almost beyond repair, and lack of shame can leave a person without human warmth. These issues will be discussed in the next chapters.
When Ron fell on the stairs, he was reminded that he is simply human, and not the most important person in the world. He also learned that he needs a sense of humor to keep his actions in perspective. Have you ever had a similar experience, one that helped you realize that you are no better and no worse than any other person? Write it down.
Susan argued with Greg. Instead of being fair, she tried to shame Greg into doing what she wanted, telling him he was “stupid” and “selfish” to have his own thoughts and opinions on the matter. Later, Susan felt ashamed of calling Greg names and trying to manipulate him. This “good shame” helped Susan recognize that she needed to change her behavior. Have you ever shamed someone by calling the person names or putting him or her down? How did this behavior lead you to feel about yourself? How could you have used good shame to have altered your behavior? Write about your experience.
Bob painted his shed in a hurry. He just wanted to get it over with. But when he looked at it later, he could see the paint was uneven. What’s more, he’d splashed white paint on the red trim in many places and smeared the shed windows and doorknob with red paint. Instead of feeling relieved to get the job done, he felt ashamed of how it looked. His slapdash job just wasn’t good enough — it wasn’t up to his standards.
He used his feelings of shame to motivate himself to even up the coat of paint, repair the splash damage on the trim, and wash the windows and doorknob. When he was done, he felt pleased with the job he had done. Have you ever had the experience of benefiting from your shame in a similar kind of way? Write it down.