A forty-year-old man has completely taken over a small party. He talks loudly and endlessly about his life, insisting that everyone listen to his stories. When someone tries to change the topic, he ignores them. He insists on staying center stage, as if he thinks the rest of the world exists only to tell him how wonderful he is. He seems completely full of himself and empty of others.
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A young couple, out on a date, is returning home on a crowded bus. They can’t keep their hands off each other. At first, the people sitting near this pair don’t say anything. Some of them even smile a bit and remember the times they were deeply in love. But the couple soon go beyond holding hands — they begin explicit sexual activity. Finally, one of the bus riders leans over to another and asks: “What’s wrong with those two — have they no shame?”
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A mimic is hired by a theater manager to liven up the crowd before the main performance. He paints his face and dons an outlandish uniform. He then insults the audience with exaggerated gestures that leave no doubt about his opinion of them. By the end of his performance, he has visually demonstrated just about every bodily function and embarrassed most of the audience. Later, he admits that he would never dare do his act without his mask: “When I put my outfit on, I feel like I get permission to act shamelessly. I couldn’t stand it if people could really see me.”
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Having too much shame may be no more severe than having too little shame. People with too little shame are literally “shameless” — they have far less shame than they need to live comfortably in the world. Shame-deficient people may at first seem free from “hang-ups” like modesty, privacy, and prudence. But this apparent freedom is mostly an illusion. Shame-deficient people are not really free at all because they are unable to make good choices about respecting the boundaries of others. They may be ignorant of ordinarily accepted social rules, or perhaps they feel compelled to violate those rules.
The worst problem shame-deficient people have, however, is that they often get so wrapped up in themselves that they cannot connect deeply with others. They have trouble putting themselves in the shoes of others, because they can only see the world from their own perspective. Someone who does feel shame may feel isolated and alone, but this person can use that shame to change his behavior to regain the sense of belonging. People who are shame-deficient don’t receive the ordinary signals that others are uncomfortable with them, or if they do hear the messages, they dismiss them as unimportant. Either way, their failure to feel shame can condemn them to a life of separation from other people.
Who of us, in our secret fantasies, has not imagined ourselves to be the most important person in the world? Who wouldn’t want to be adored? For that matter, who wouldn’t want to be seen as a perfect person, the embodiment of beauty, intelligence, grace, and strength? Why shouldn’t we always have a circle of admirers around us whose only job is to remind us that we are wonderful?
Most people learn when they are young that they cannot be the center of the universe. This lesson is not necessarily fun to learn. The two-year-old child who has to be told over and over the birthday party is for his sister may throw many tantrums before reluctantly taking his place as a mere participant. After all, children start life with no sense of boundaries. At first, they may not even realize their bodies are separate from their mothers or caregivers. By the second year of life, though, they recognize that other people exist. They also discover that others have lives of their own and sometimes cannot or will not pay attention to them. No matter how angry they get, no matter how long they scream or wail, they find that even their parents have interests other than them. Most children resolve this crisis by learning that their place in the world is important, but limited. The two-year-old eventually accepts that he has only one birthday party a year.
Although it might feel wonderful to be the center of attention for a while, most of us discover that it also feels good to care about others. We begin to recognize that a world of shared attention is also a world of mutual warmth and comfort. We trade off the need to be the only person in the universe for our contribution to the safety and beauty of the community.
Some people do not want to accept this idea. Perhaps they never learned to gracefully relinquish being the center of attention when they were children. Later in life, they may have only dated people who quietly listened to how important they were. Still later, their co-workers might have complained that these people worked no harder than anybody else but wanted all the credit. The message they tell the world is this: “I am the most important person ever born. You must give me all your love, time, and appreciation.”
People who are shame-deficient often believe they deserve special treatment just because they exist. They want to be placed on a pedestal where they can be worshipped and adored. They simply think it is obvious that they are better than anyone else. They are egotistical to the point of having no room to care about others.
Many unflattering names describe this condition: false pride, narcissism, conceit, haughtiness, hubris. All these words can, at various times, describe people who suffer from deficiency of shame. Remember, though, that almost everyone, at least occasionally, gets wrapped up in themselves. Shame deficiency is part of the human condition, not something to condemn. People who are often shame-deficient can learn new ways to relate to others that emphasize greater respect and interest in other people.
How does shame deficiency differ from the arrogance we described in the last chapter? Arrogance, as we see it, is a defense against excessive shame. The arrogant individual may appear to be totally self-centered and devoid of shame. This person, however, actually is full of shame. She is deeply concerned about how others evaluate her, and extremely sensitive to criticism or depreciation. The arrogant person covers her shame with a blanket of superiority. Under that blanket, she shivers with the dread of being exposed as a useless and defective charlatan. She might easily become enraged when others get too close to that shame.
Shameless pride is different. These people stand aloof from others. They are more likely to ignore criticism than get angry because they do not respect those who cannot appreciate them. In fact, they seem often to be indifferent to anything but praise. These people are not hiding tremendous shame with their pride.
Certain behaviors that are personal such as sexual relations, physical functions and subjects, and some kinds of spiritual worship may be perfectly acceptable, but they are private matters. A modest person does not call excessive attention to himself or his private matters. A modest person seems to have an inner dignity. He does not need to boast about himself, nor does he want or need more than his share of attention.
People who are shame-deficient get attention by acting openly in an area that would normally call for privacy and modesty. Who really wants to hear all the details about someone’s divorce, underwear selection, or therapy discussion? Ordinarily, shame would tell someone that she has approached a topic that embarrasses others and is probably better kept private. People who are shame-deficient often fail to receive these signals, much to the discomfort of those around them.
Just talking too loud can sometimes invoke shame at a gathering, no matter what the actual content of the discussion. The very loud person seems to ignore the preference of others by invading their boundaries. In fact, shameless behavior violates boundaries, while healthy shame helps us maintain and protect the personal boundaries of others. One reason “good” shame is so important is that, without it, we lose the distinct sense of who we are. Shame preserves and defines our identities by calling our attention to ourselves. Carl Schneider, in his sensitive writings about shame, notes that “shame discloses the self to the self.” People who are shame-deficient, then, are often people with little self-awareness. That is why they so often appear emotionally shallow.
Why do the people around a shame-deficient individual feel very uncomfortable? One reason is that most people relate to others through the unspoken mutual understanding called discretion or tact. For example, we normally would not call attention to someone’s slightly messy hair, unmatched clothes, or sweaty face. If something is said about these matters, it would probably be said discretely by a spouse, good friend, or close associate. These delicate topics exist right at the boundary between public and private.
More serious issues also fall on the line between the public and private. Should we bring up someone’s recent cancer diagnosis? Is it better to discuss or avoid discussing the death of someone’s relative? What if the person you are talking with just lost a job? Would it be helpful or harmful to tell the mother whose son has just gone through drug dependency treatment that your daughter had the same problem? These topics are delicate and might be public information, but the situation would call for discretion, so another person would not feel embarrassed, ashamed, or humiliated.
Every one of us has the capacity to shame others. The more intimate two people get, the more vulnerable they become, because each knows what the other wants to keep private. People need to be careful with this potential weapon. But they will know through their own sense of shame that some things are better discussed discreetly or in private.
We gave an example in the exercises at the end of Chapter Two about a man who painted his shed in a hurry, took a long look at the product, realized that he felt ashamed of his efforts, and then went back and did the job right. He felt shame because he fell short of his own standards of competent performance. This is shame at its best, an internal sense of defectiveness that a person can correct and replace with healthy pride. People who are shame-deficient seldom experience this feeling.
Most people have at least a few areas in their life where they want to learn, grow, and achieve excellence. One person will spend hours reading about how to grow roses, while somebody else tackles a new computer manual. One person goes through the motions of a job that demands little, but then goes home and pours energy into his hobby of cabinetmaking. His office partner, excited about the new responsibilities she has been given, stays late after work to make plans.
People who are shame-deficient seldom find these interests. This is not because they are certain they will fail (that comes from excessive shame). They simply cannot seem to find enough internal motivation to propel them toward healthy pride. Part of the problem may be lack of a clear sense of self, a center from which they can gradually expand their boundaries. Some may come from families in which personal pride is unimportant or irrelevant; they were never shown how to challenge themselves. Chronic use of mood-altering chemicals — in particular marijuana — also promotes this kind of shame deficiency: the daily user who quits caring about much of anything has developed “Amotivational Syndrome,” the technical term for someone who no longer cares about mastery and competence. This, fortunately, is a reversible condition — the person will usually discover that his normal values and ability to respond to the world returns over time when he quits using.
Shame deficiency robs people of the opportunity to know when they are failing themselves. People who cannot feel shame can become trapped in mediocrity and disinterest. Each shame episode presents an opportunity for personal revitalization, but they miss out on this.
People who are shame-deficient have less shame than they need to interact well with others. They cannot use their shame to help them understand boundaries and relate to the world.
These people display one or more of the following characteristics:
People who are shame-deficient are emotionally immature. Something in their development has gone wrong. They are unable to find their proper place in the universe because the only place they know is center stage. They are disconnected without even knowing it. To put it simply, they need more shame in their lives.
People deficient in shame often lack humility, the understanding that they are no better and no worse than other people. Because they are absorbed in themselves, they lose their curiosity and appreciation for others. If you often act as if you deserve all the attention, stop talking and start listening this week. Ask people several questions about themselves (not about how they feel about you). Write down what you learn about them.
If you are not shame deficient but know someone who is, pay special attention this week to noticing what cues that person misses and what messages she fails to hear. Write those things down.
People deficient in shame sometimes break polite rules just to flaunt them. For example, a man who imagines himself to be a great gift to women may violate boundaries by telling dirty jokes at inappropriate times, or by behaving suggestively with women at work. He may believe that the rules do not apply to him and that his immodesty will make him even more irresistible. Have you ever found yourself purposely acting in an immodest way?
Did this behavior accomplish what you wanted? How do you think others felt?
People deficient in shame lack discretion and tact. For example, Shirley seriously embarrassed her colleague, Bev, by discussing her “itchy” yeast infection in mixed company at a business lunch. Shirley’s supervisor was embarrassed too. The result was that both hesitated to go out to lunch with Shirley again. Shirley found herself increasingly on her own without knowing why. Have you ever violated a boundary without being aware of it?
How did you find this out?
If you know a person who lacks discretion, how do you behave with that person? Do you speak up and tell her what the boundaries are?