She has always felt different. Her speech impediment is so small that hardly anyone notices it, but she can’t get it out of her mind. Now she tries to guard everything she says, speaking slowly and carefully when she has to and often saying nothing at all. She is certain that people will laugh at her if she stumbles over a word. She has kept her problem a secret even from her good friends.
* * * * * * * * * *
“I call myself the most terrible names. Sometimes it’s because I’ve made a mistake or said something dumb. Sometimes I haven’t done anything bad at all that I can think of. I hear this voice inside screaming at me that I’m the most miserable excuse for a human being that ever walked on earth. The rest is unprintable. I feel loaded down with self-hatred.”
* * * * * * * * * *
She is caught in a trap. The worse she feels about herself, the more she stays home. The more she stays home, the worse she feels about herself. She knows this is happening because it has occurred many times in the past. Still, she cannot force herself to call her friends. She is so full of shame that she thinks her friends will push her away.
* * * * * * * * * *
“I feel totally empty — worthless and useless. My life has lost its meaning. I set goals for myself that nobody could meet, and then I despair about my failures. No matter what I do, I can never be good enough to please myself. The funny thing is that I put all this pressure on myself. Nobody else is unhappy with me. Why can’t I live with myself when everybody else can?”
* * * * * * * * * *
All people occasionally shame themselves. After all, shame is part of life, and moderate shame can help you grow emotionally. Deeply shamed individuals, however, are so full of shame they regularly attack themselves with this weapon. These persons can truly be called shame-based because they respond to the world through their shame. They suffer from such an excess of this feeling that they seem to take their shame with them wherever they go.
The shame-based person expects others to confirm her badness by putting her down with criticism and contempt. Still, the response from others is often irrelevant to the shame-based person. The crucial point is that this person is constantly telling herself that she is no good. She expects others to confirm her shamefulness mainly because she is convinced they will view her in the same way as she sees herself. Nor will this person quickly change her self-perception in the face of praise and acceptance. She will stubbornly cling to the idea that there is something fundamentally wrong with her. She is ashamed to exist.
The shame-based person has taken his shame into the very center of his being. He assumes, without usually even thinking about it, that he is a shameful person. It is not as if he asks himself each day if he wants to be ashamed. Probably, if he really had a choice, he would prefer to see himself as competent and praiseworthy. The problem is that he does not have that option. His shame comes automatically to him because it is a deeply engrained habit of thinking.
The example at the start of this chapter of the person who constantly calls himself names illustrates this pattern. That person’s core of self-hatred and disgust gets activated time after time. He ends up attacking himself mercilessly. Every day he reconvinces himself that he is defective by focusing on his failures and shortcomings. These thoughts appear automatically. They are thought habits that do not require conscious decisions. The shame-based person does not have to think about shaming himself any harder than he has to ponder how to tie his shoes or drive the car. He just does it. His shame becomes a type of reflex action, but most of the action takes place in his head.
The phrase “of course…” may be a common aspect of these self-shaming thought habits.
The shaming thoughts are not challenged when they appear because the person who has them is convinced they are the truth. Her shame is a major part of her identity.
This contributes to the shame-based person’s spiritual despair. He cannot see his own goodness when his mind keeps telling him that he is rotten. He will continue to hate himself as long as he continues these thought habits.
People lose energy when they give themselves these shaming messages. Some give themselves so many of these messages they continually withdraw from others or from healthy activities. They retreat or prepare to withdraw whenever they believe they are once again doing something wrong.
Ellen’s story illustrates how a deeply shamed person loses energy for constructive action. A thirty-year-old woman with a long history of alcoholism, Ellen entered an outpatient chemical dependency treatment program and, at first, did quite well. She stayed abstinent from alcohol and worked hard at the program. She felt healthy pride in her progress and began to hope that she could stay straight after she finished treatment. But the thought of success was difficult for Ellen, a woman who, before treatment, had failed in almost everything she attempted. Without much warning, she found her old self-shaming ideas returning.
Ellen, you’re no good for anything. Why bother to stay sober when nobody will ever love you? You don’t deserve to lead a good life because you’re just a lousy person. Why don’t you admit that you’re hopeless and quit playing games? You might as well get drunk — nobody gives a damn.
These thoughts were so familiar that Ellen didn’t bother to fight them. Instead, she accepted them and quit treatment only a few days before she would have completed the program. She eventually used drugs again to confirm to herself that she was a failure. Her habitual shame reasserted itself, causing her to withdraw and isolate herself again.
Shamed individuals often have perfectionistic traits even though, deep down, they are imperfectionists. The house must be spotless before company arrives; a project never gets finished because it has several flaws; a person, trying to do a job faultlessly, stays at work or school long after others have gone home. It seems that the shamed person must take great pride in his accomplishments.
Unfortunately, persons with excessive shame do not expect to be competent. They don’t believe they are good enough to do well. It is the fear of failure that drives them into relentless action. For instance, the man who spent hundreds of hours constructing a beautiful cabinet keeps it in the basement because he noticed a single blemish and could not accept the idea of human error. That lone defect tells him that the entire project is a lost cause, and that the creator of a flawed product must be damaged himself.
Shame-based people are really imperfectionists because they are continually aware of their defects. They think even trivial mistakes prove their inadequacy. Thus, they avoid activities in which mistakes could be made, or they try to hide their mistakes from others. They may be afraid of being watched, since they believe others are looking for mistakes too.
The shame-based person does not really take pride in her actions. The best she can hope for is a sense of relief: “Whew, I got through another test. Got a B-plus. That teacher must not have much on the ball. He didn’t even comment on the spelling mistake I made. I would have given myself an F just for that.”
The goal is to avoid humiliation. Nevertheless, she can easily recite her failures, but she may have difficulty remembering her accomplishments. Furthermore, her failures seem permanent to her — no matter what she does they cannot be redeemed. Her successes, however, seem temporary — they could vanish in an instant. Shame is never far away.
Shame that cannot be removed gradually turns into self-hatred. It is as if there is a “black hole” in the person’s soul into which his goodness is lost forever, leaving a residue of disgust and contempt. Thinking only about the badness inside, he misses the beauty of his own humanity. He sees ugliness instead of beauty, shame instead of grace, and weakness instead of strength.
Self-hatred is not subtle or sophisticated. The messages we are referring to are basic and crude. They may include profanity and deprecation. You’re nothing but a piece of shit, or You will never be good for anything.
Anyone can experience shame and self-hatred. They do not belong only to extremely shamed persons. But most of us can learn to balance our shame with inner messages that we are good and valued human beings.
We have described five important sources of shame in this section of the book. A person who wants to be fully aware of how shame has affected her will need to consider (1) her biology, (2) family of origin, (3) current relationships, (4) the culture she lives in, and (5) her habits of thinking and acting.
When we look at how we shame ourselves, we can take responsibility for our own behavior without waiting for someone else to change.
We believe that shame does not have to be a permanent condition for anyone. Certainly, some people will have to learn how to appreciate and respect themselves. Those whose shame runs deepest will need to be very patient as they slowly heal the spiritual wound of excessive shame. Recovery is a gradual process that won’t always go smoothly. Above all, the shamed person must allow himself the luxury of hope. Hope is an antidote to despair for the self-shaming and self-hating person, and hope is a key to healing.
Here are thoughts that shamed people commonly tell themselves. Read through them slowly, circling each word that you have used in shaming yourself.
I am defective (damaged, broken, a mistake, flawed).
I am dirty (ugly, unclean, filthy, impure, disgusting).
I am stupid (dumb, silly, crazy, a jerk).
I am incompetent (not good enough, useless, inept, incapable, ineffectual).
I am unlovable (unappreciated, unwanted, uncared for, not worth having).
I deserve to be abandoned (forgotten, unloved, left out).
I am bad (awful, terrible, evil, despicable, horrible, trash).
I am pitiful (contemptible, miserable, insignificant).
I am nothing (empty, worthless, invisible, unnoticed, irrelevant).
I deserve criticism (condemnation, disapproval, destruction). I feel ashamed (embarrassed, humiliated, mortified, dishonored).
I am weak (small, impotent, puny, feeble). I should not be alive (exist, take up space).
List three or four messages that you struggle with the most, or that you wish to work on first. Across the page list the new statement you need to learn to make. For example:
Decide to make one of the new statements to yourself regularly. Write it on your hand. Put it on a piece of paper you carry in your pocket. Pin it to the visor in your car. Tape it to your bathroom mirror. Post it on your refrigerator. Every time you see it, feel it, or remember it, make the new statement to yourself. When you see it and you are alone, say it aloud to yourself. Be persistent and say it as often as you can for at least two weeks. Then write the results on a separate sheet of paper.
The next time you feel like withdrawing in shame, do it — but only for five minutes. Go by the clock, and, after five minutes, make yourself move back into contact with other people, either in person or by making a phone call. (If you are in a situation where you cannot do either of these things, write a letter.) Maintain this contact at least ten minutes. Even if contact with others feels difficult, stick to it. Learn to use this technique whenever your shame makes you want to withdraw. When finding someone to stay in touch with at these times, do not choose a person who regularly shames you. Keep trying, even if this process feels uncomfortable at first.
Shame-based people have a hard time accepting themselves. Sometimes, as children, we find a doll, a stuffed animal, or a pet that accepts us as we are. We feel safer, loving this object or animal, because we know it will not be critical of us or look at our flaws. As adults, we often leave these uncritical, accepting parts of ourselves behind. Go shopping this week and let a doll or stuffed animal “choose you” for a friend. Take it home and let yourself look at it, hold it, even talk to it. Do this in private. Let yourself be a little silly with this stuffed animal, because it will not criticize you. Then write down any ways you recognize it as being like you.