She’s only seventeen, but already she’s stuck in the past. Why did my mother desert us when we were kids? What did I do wrong? What was wrong with me? Can I ever trust anyone again? She cannot let go of the pain of abandonment.
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“My parents kept telling me that I was ugly and clumsy. They told me I wasn’t good for anything. But now I’m grown up. I don’t need to believe that crap any longer. I can still hear them saying those things to me, but now I refuse to accept it. Just because they gave me a coat of shame doesn’t mean I have to keep wearing it.”
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His father was a down-in-the-gutter alcoholic. Everybody laughed at the son when he was a child. His ears burned with shame. Funny that his father never seemed to notice and just kept on embarrassing the whole family. Years later, the son still carries the family shame with him wherever he goes. He feels another person’s shame, and he needs to give it back.
* * * * * * * * * *
“Here’s what scares me the most: Yesterday I heard myself shaming my kids in exactly the same way my parents shamed me. For a few minutes I became what I swore I would never be — an impatient, disrespectful, unappreciative parent. I know my folks were terribly shamed themselves. Will this go on forever?”
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If we were badly shamed in childhood, we might have brought that shame with us into adult life. It is as if we carry around with us a set of parents who live inside our heads. These parent images might repeatedly remind us that we are defective. These “old” parent figures may remain in place even if our parents are no longer around. They may linger even if a parent has changed and no longer shames us. For example, an emotionally disturbed mother or father might have told us we were stupid or pitiful. Later, the parent may have changed and is now respectful to us. Still, the now outdated parent image might stay with us. We need to resolve those shame issues with the “old” parent before we can completely embrace the newer one.
The most common kinds of behavior that produced shame from our families of origin may be:
We strongly believe that you can resolve your shame issues from your family. The task, however, will be difficult because this shame is deeply rooted. Many children absorb the shaming messages they receive. After all, when parents are insisting that something must be wrong with their child, what child can resist these attacks? If this has been true for us, we can examine and challenge our shame in the ways we saw in the last chapter. We will look at more specific approaches that address this source of shame in this chapter. Here are some guidelines.
The goal in studying our past is to discover how events have damaged us, so that we can change our current thoughts, feelings, and actions. While we are “researching” our shame, we will feel pain. But it is important that we work through the hurt rather than get stuck in it. We must bring our heads as well as our hearts with us, maintaining at least some emotional neutrality to balance our suffering.
Try not to exaggerate events as you explore the past. Probably no parent alive always shamed his or her children. See if you can recall some times when your parents or other family members praised you, held you, and clearly appreciated you. Remember that you are dealing with people, not monsters. Your shame must be kept in perspective to lessen the risk of getting caught up in the past.
The more deeply you have been shamed, the harder it will be to unglue yourself from previous disappointments, traumas, and abandonments. It would be wise to begin this process only when you have developed a support system of people who understand what you need to be doing. These persons may be friends, members of a self-help group, professionals, or family members. You also need to make, and periodically renew, a commitment to the goal of emerging as a healthier and less shamed individual. It doesn’t make sense to explore a dark and scary cave without a rope and a flashlight. As you explore the cave of your past, let your friends be your rope, and let your commitment to a healthy present be your flashlight.
The most important deficiency messages are those that affected us most deeply. These statements might feel correct when we say them to ourselves. Yes, my father always called me a dummy. But he was right. I am stupid. The messages are painful, and they seem fixed forever. 7 guess I will always be a dummy, we might think. Another cue that we’re facing a deficiency message is when we feel small in the presence of the message, as if we are weak and defenseless children. Or we feel defective, ashamed, or humiliated when we hear a message similar to one originally delivered by someone from our family.
One way to learn which shaming statements did the most damage is to review the first half of the first exercise at the end of Chapter Seven. Then rank the messages based on which one affects you the most today. The top-rated message should be the one that would benefit your life the most if it could be challenged and displaced.
It is helpful if we can remember specific incidents from our childhood that involved these deficiency messages. Perhaps we were called clumsy or lazy by a parent as we did chores. Perhaps a parent would no longer touch us after we reached puberty. The incidents may be powerful or small, repeated regularly or occasionally. They may involve verbal or nonverbal interactions. An example of a nonverbal shaming message would be our mother’s disappointed shrug of the shoulders or rolling of the eyes in response to our enthusiasm or accomplishments. A verbal shaming message might be our father saying, “You aren’t good enough,” when we brought home a C or D on our report card.
Deficiency messages and other shaming behaviors profoundly affect the developing child. Bruce Fischer, author of the chapter “The Process of Healing Shame” in the book, The Treatment of Shame and Guilt in Alcoholism Counseling, says a child who receives deficiency messages will have many needs that will go unmet. These unmet needs must be grieved by the recovering adult.
Here are a few examples of the losses that can result from deficiency messages:
All children want to hear that they are loved, that they belong, that they are good enough just the way they are, and that they are totally acceptable to their family. They need to be assured that they are human, normal, and competent. These reasonable needs are not met in habitually shaming families.
Some losses can never be replaced. No amount of praise or respect in adulthood can compensate for the lack of praise or respect received as a child. That is why mourning is a necessary part of healing shame. We must mourn the parts of us that seemed to die in the face of rejection — for example, the child who quit believing she could do anything right, or the child who decided the only way she could be accepted was to take care of others who she believes were more worthy than herself.
Grieving helps us realize that shame attacks the spirit. When we face the losses resulting from shame, we feel a penetrating sorrow that can fill us with pain. But this grief can relieve shame when it is experienced fully. It helps us to put away the past, with its lost hopes, so we can find a new path in the future.
According to Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, in her book, On Death and Dying, the final stage in grieving is acceptance. As an adult dealing with the shame from our family of origin, we may eventually be able to accept that our identity was damaged, and that some of the losses are permanent. Acceptance of these ideas allows us to continue forward in the healing process.
The best thing that can happen to us if we came from a shame-based family is growing up. No matter how terrible our situations, we are seldom as helpless and dependent as we were as children. As adults, we can challenge the bad messages we received as children. We may have had little choice about accepting these messages before, but we can replace them now with much healthier ones.
Remember, these messages originated outside of you. They may have been sitting inside your head for years, but they did not begin there. You can sort through the messages you received in childhood and consciously decide to throw some out.
Think of how an infant receives food. Totally dependent on its parents, the infant has little choice but to swallow what it is fed. Powerful shame messages from parental figures had to be swallowed too. As Erving and Miriam Polster point out in their book, Gestalt Therapy Integrated, these shame messages were absorbed from the outside and internalized, resulting in our concept of ourselves. These messages seem like they belong to us, but, in truth, we didn’t choose them. We now need to reevaluate the role these old messages play in our life.
When we challenge shaming messages from our family of origin, we can take the following steps:
For example, as children we perhaps swallowed the message (from parents or others in positions of power and trust) that we were so sad and weak we should be pitied. First, notice how often we now say this to ourselves and how it affects our life. Then try to remember where and when we got that message and, in particular, who sent it to us. Then we can deal with how we began to believe this. My parents told me I was weak and pitiful. It started when I was sick a lot during childhood. Of course, I believed them, and so I started to act more and more helpless.
Then, we can decide how true the message really is now. Now I realize that I can take care of myself. I don’t have to believe I am incompetent anymore. Finally, you can replace the old, shaming idea with a new self-concept that reflects healthy pride and honor. I am a competent, capable human being who can do things by myself.
Some of the oldest shaming messages came to us as infants, before we learned to talk. These kinds of messages result in a feeling of shame that has been stored in the body but seems to have no name. For example, we may cringe and feel small whenever we see a woman pointing her finger at us. This may stem from our mother pointing accusingly at us as infants. This kind of shame sensation is harder to challenge than verbal messages because it was learned so early in life. The same healing, however, may work for this type of shame. An example of challenging this shame would be to alter your body’s response to a potentially shaming event; for instance, by holding your head up and responding directly to a woman pointing at you rather than shrinking away.
The hard work described in the preceding section pays off when you change your actions to live a less shame-focused and more healthy life. This new behavior may begin with acquaintances, friends, and intimate relationships. Eventually, though, you will have to alter your behavior with your family of origin or with others who substitute for your family such as “authority figures.”
Shame that originated in your family heals best when you change your interactions with your family. Parents do not have a right to shame their children just because they are parents. As therapists, we hear stories from grown children who still put up with tremendous amounts of verbal and even physical abuse from their parents. We believe parents must earn their children’s honor through mutually respectful communication. The first principle, then, in dealing with your family of origin is to insist that you are treated with respect. That means you should stand up to obvious and direct shame attacks. “Dad,” you might say, “you have called me an airhead for years. I’m not an airhead and I’ve never been one. Please don’t use that term again.”
These confrontations will not be easy. They will probably be met with angry and defensive tactics, especially if the shame attack is intentional.
The best challenges to a shaming family are those that are presented calmly and clearly. They may also have to be repeated regularly, because shame-based families tend to return to old, shaming behaviors out of habit.
Family members can change, and some will do so fairly quickly once they learn that you insist on fair treatment. Others may change reluctantly or not at all. You will have to decide how much time and energy you will devote to the task of changing your family interactions. It is usually a good idea to minimize contact with family members who cannot or will not quit shaming you. Short of completely breaking off communication, you might choose to make shorter visits or phone conversations, or to visit at times or with people in the family where the risk of shame is lessened. (“Now I always take my wife along. They are too polite to attack me in her presence.”) Or you can take an active role in setting the agenda for discussion. (“No, Mother, we aren’t going to talk again about my divorce. That was over ten years ago.")
If you want to be treated with respect by your family, you should remember that others are watching you for cues. That means you must act toward yourself as you’d want them to behave toward you. It is useless to demand that your parents quit calling you names if they hear you regularly insulting yourself. Nor will others learn how to praise you if you only comment on your faults.
Shame is contagious in shaming families. It can easily pass from one family member to another, finally affecting everyone. Sometimes one or more persons will gather the shame that belonged to another family member. This shame is transferred from its rightful owner to more vulnerable people. The man whose ears burned with shame as a child because of his father’s alcoholism is a good example of this.
We call this shame “borrowed” to keep the focus on the possibility of returning it to its original owner. The idea is that, at one time, a person was “loaned” shame against his or her will. This shame originated from the behavior or attitudes of another, usually more powerful, family member. Now, that shame must be returned before the healing person can embrace a nonshaming view of himself. All that is meant by returning borrowed shame is letting others take responsibility for their own behavior or feelings.
Transferred shame may be given to a specific family member either intentionally or unintentionally. Often, it happens when the family cannot stand the humiliation of the real problem. For example, it is far easier to blame and shame a child than to cope with a father’s drunkenness. (“You ought to be ashamed of yourself, young man. If you got better grades and caused less grief around here, your father wouldn’t get so upset and have to drink.”)
Certain children may be blamed the most for family troubles. But others in the family may also “borrow” shame. Other children are held up as examples and will collect shame and guilt when they fail to keep everybody happy and everything “perfect.” Parents can and do feel “borrowed shame” as well, for the actions of a child.
The key to healing the wounds received from “borrowed shame” is in recognizing when you are feeling shame about something that has nothing really to do with your actions, but results from another family member’s behavior. If you are returning “borrowed shame,” you may tell yourself, Long ago I took on some shame that didn’t belong to me. I thought it was mine at the time. So did the rest of my family. But now I know that I did nothing at the time that was wrong. I’m not guilty, and I have nothing to feel ashamed about.
Here are examples of three people who returned “borrowed shame.”
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Lisa is an incest victim whose father is dead. Lisa gathered a “shame bouquet” of dry grass, thorns, a vine with dead fruit, and small flowers. She took it to her father’s grave, and gave her shame back to him — where it had originated — saying the things she needed to, to free herself.
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Rick’s mother was very critical, always shaming him for something because of her own unhappiness. For years he had accepted her evaluation that he was bad. She would not listen to Rick’s gentle challenges, and he was afraid of her because she had a terrible temper. When Rick was ready, he went to a hardware store and bought a large shovel. He put a bow on it, and gave it to her as a present. In the future when she shamed him, he would tell himself, She can shovel her own shit now. Then he would put on his hat and leave.
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Paula is one of six children. Her brothers carouse and get in trouble, and she used to blame herself. She would bail them out because of her shame. She returned this borrowed shame by recognizing that her brothers were old enough to take responsibility for their own actions, and that she was not an extension of them. In her own mind, she saw herself as a distinct and special individual. Then she set limits on how she would relate to her brothers and told them the limits tactfully but firmly. Paula is no longer ashamed of herself.
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Should you directly communicate your resolve to other family members? Yes, if some people in your family can understand what you mean. Yes, if family members still insist on shaming you through transferring their shame. The main goal here, however, is for the shamed individual to return borrowed shame that damages his spirit, not to punish others by insisting that they now should feel humiliated.
Forgiveness may be quite painful. It may bring strong feelings of rage, hatred, despair, and profound sadness to the surface. These feelings are responses to the unnecessary destruction caused by excessive shaming.
Anger is appropriate during this exploration of our youth. The anger tells us that something wrong happened. It can provide energy for us to make changes in our thoughts and behaviors. We should be careful, however, that our anger doesn’t turn into resentment, a far less productive emotion. A resentful person is someone who is holding on to anger and does not want to give it up and go ahead with living.
Forgiveness is a way to release resentments. The purpose of forgiveness is healing ourselves. Forgiveness might lead toward a reconciliation with the person who damaged us or with our memories of that person. Or forgiveness may allow us to end a relationship that has been based on pain and resentment and get on with our life.
Remember, forgiveness is optional. Maybe we feel the wounds we suffered were too great to forgive. Maybe we want to forgive but cannot find the spirit within to do so. Forgiving has meaning only when we realize that we have no obligation to forgive. In other words, forgiveness works best when it is seen as a free gift that we give ourselves with no strings attached. True forgiveness makes no demand. If we forgive another, we do not necessarily have to love her, reconcile with her, or forget about what happened.
Forgiveness is both an attitude and a framework for action. Typically, we will recognize that we have spent too much time bitterly thinking about how badly we were treated. A change in attitude is signaled by thoughts like these: I am tired of resentments. They keep me angry and stuck in the past. They only add to my shame. I am ready to forgive the people who shamed me so that I can get on with my life.
This change of heart leads toward new behavior. The energy that had been trapped in resentment is now available for self-caring. You might also find that you can now approach your parents differently. Holidays used to be horrible. I’d spend the whole time arguing with my parents over little things. Now I can accept what happened in the past; I don’t have to find ways to attack them.
Shame rooted in the family of origin is painful, tenacious, and damaging. Still, it can be healed. The process involves focusing on the deficiency messages that most harmed us, and grieving the losses that resulted from those messages. Then we can challenge the messages and change our behavior in ways that reflect pride, honor, and dignity rather than shame. We need to return “borrowed” or transferred shame, and consider forgiveness as a way to release ourselves from shame.
The wounds of shame we got from our families of origin heal slowly. We will need to bring into this effort our feelings, thoughts, behaviors, and spirit. Just remember that change is possible. We don’t have to live stuck in shame from the past.
The person who wants to heal from shame must learn which shaming statements did the most damage. Rank the following messages based on their effects on you today from one (strongest) to five (weakest).
Starting with message number one, list on a separate sheet of paper how you received this message. List as many incidents as possible. If your family was extremely shaming, focus on messages you received from one person at a time. Do as much as you can here without going into a tailspin. The heading on your sheet of paper should look like this:
Be gentle with yourself. If you begin to feel too bad, leave the list for a couple of days. Be patient. The list of specific incidents may only come to you over a period of several days. If you have no memory of your childhood, and this list is impossible to do, go back to accepting and loving a stuffed animal that reminds you of yourself, or perhaps of yourself as a child. The incidents you are asked to think of in this exercise will come to your mind when you are ready to deal with them.
Although this list can seem overwhelming, it is our experience that most people’s lists contain what they are indeed ready to work through — no more incidents and no less. Do use your support system as you need it; don’t hesitate to get a counselor’s help if you or someone in your support system feels that it is important.
Now list what you lost from these incidents. For example, one person’s list included respect for oneself, respect for a parent, virginity, the right to say no and still be loved, a sense of belonging, the ability to feel secure, contact with a particular person, and the ability to recognize that he could do something good. Include physical, mental, and emotional injuries on this list, as they are losses of health. The third heading on your sheet of paper should look like this:
What I Lost:
Focus on one incident, and remember it the best you can. Close your eyes and remember yourself as a child being shamed. What did you see? Hear? Feel? If you have a young friend who had a similar incident happen to them, what would that person need to hear? In your mind’s eye (or physically, using a stuffed animal), reach out and hold the child that is you, and tell it what it needed to hear then. Then give yourself the message you need to hear now.
It is all right to be emotional during this exercise but not necessary. The goal for these few minutes is to be compassionate, comforting, and loving to ourselves, and for us to begin to grieve our losses without having to run from ourselves. (Note: If you seem unable to mentally reach out to the child in your past, relax. Someday you will be able to do this.)
We need to share our sadness and pain by doing one or more of the following tasks:
You may be able to think of other ways to do your sharing. Write down the things you have done.
List at least three ways in which you will begin to give yourself positive messages by changing your behavior to demonstrate clear self-respect.
If these ways include challenging current shaming practices in your family of origin, choose a specific problem to start with. Don’t start with the biggest problem — work up to that one. Do the following.
Put a checkmark by the method you will try.
After you have challenged the behavior, answer these questions:
“Borrowed shame” is not always easy to return. This, in part, is due to the irrational guilt often connected with it. For instance, we think that our family member would not have behaved so shamefully if there was not something wrong with us. Because of our mistaken belief, we take responsibility for that person’s shame or his or her shaming attitudes.
Answer the following questions on a separate sheet of paper:
Forgiving those who have shamed us is an important part of the healing process. It means accepting them as they are, just as we are accepting ourselves as we are. It is not an obligation, and it is not an endorsement of their behavior, only of our mutual humanity. Forgiving should be done only as a final step in the healing process, not as a first or second step. Most people must allow themselves to be angry first. Forgiveness shouldn’t be used to short-circuit the healthy anger that helps us form a distinct new identity.
When you are sure you are ready to forgive, or if you have built up high resentment and need to practice forgiving for your own health and well-being, return to this exercise and complete it.
Now that you are willing to forgive, begin by naming the person you wish to forgive and listing anything you have gained, learned, or are grateful for in relation to him or her. List only real positives.
Now list the nicest things you can imagine happening to this person, including nice things you wish would happen to you.
Breathe deeply and relax. Imagine one or more of these good things happening to the person you are forgiving. Imagine it happening again. And again. Get as clear a mental image as you can. Each day for five minutes, see good things happening to the person you are forgiving. Do this until you feel really happy as you see this happen. Continue the exercise until every time you think of this person, you feel serene.
If you have an uncomfortable relationship with this person, limit the time you spend with him or her, and take care of your feelings as you go. You are forgiving this person in order to improve your own well-being — regardless of whether the person benefits from your change of attitude. Do not expect the person to change in response to your forgiveness — forgiveness is a gift with no strings attached.