They are an amazing couple. He tells her she is a lousy mother, while she faults his ability to show feelings. They go on and on like that. Then they feel awful about what has happened to them — how hate and shame have replaced love and honor. They need to call a truce, but each person is afraid to stop attacking the other.
* * * * * * * * * *
“For years I took his inventory. I watched his every movement for signs that he wanted to put me down. I never even noticed how I shamed him. If I did, I justified my behavior by telling myself I was only defending myself. Things didn’t start to change until I made some commitments to quit shaming him.”
* * * * * * * * * *
“Enough is enough. I’ve explained to my partner that I will no longer tolerate his abuse. But he refuses to change. Every day he still calls me names in front of our friends. He says I deserve it, and he won’t accept any responsibility for his actions. I can’t live with him much longer. How can I feel less shame when he deliberately adds to my shame?”
* * * * * * * * * *
The issue is power. She uses her ability to shame others like a club. Colleagues at work, friends, and family all fear her sudden attacks. She can make people feel small just by looking at them. Shame — the way she keeps others under control — is her best weapon.
* * * * * * * * * *
Shame-based relationships are those that center around excessive shame. This shame may flow in one direction only (usually from a more powerful person toward a weaker person), or it might flow in both directions through mutually destructive shame contests. Either way, relationships built around shame damage the participants, even those who seem to gain power and control. Shame-based relationships damage the dignity of everybody and minimize the possibility for deeper intimacy.
The goal, then, is to exchange or alter shame-based relationships to relationships that center around honor, respect, and dignity. Here are some guidelines designed to help you reach that goal.
Frankly, it is much easier for most people to pay attention to how others shame them than to look at their own shaming actions. We suggest that it is more productive to begin by looking at our tendency to shame the important persons in our lives. This is particularly true for two-way shaming relationships in which both parties use shame as a weapon to gain power and control.
Here is a typical example: A couple complains that all they do is bicker and fight. Then each spends hours pointing out exactly what the other does that distresses him or her. Neither partner has much interest in listening to the other; they are too busy attacking. Each is well aware of how he or she is being shamed, but both are unwilling to change their shaming behavior.
Nobody gives up power easily. That general principle leads to a more specific one: nobody gives up the power of shaming others easily. So, before asking someone to stop shaming you, it’s vital that you honestly evaluate your own words, thoughts, and actions.
Start by recognizing the most direct and forceful shame attacks. These are deliberate insults you heap on your partner (or other important people in your life). Some of these insults might be spoken in public — a good name for these is humiliations. Others will be more private, but they are perhaps equally damaging. These insults are usually predictable in a long-term relationship. They are open signs of contempt for the other person. When they work, they diminish and weaken your partner.
Then think about the more subtle ways that you demean others. Do you roll your eyes in disgust when your children try to talk with you? Do you interrupt your partner regularly because you think you know so much more? Do you chuckle a little too often at his serious remarks? Are you so bored with someone’s remarks that you don’t even listen when she speaks? How else do you subtly shame the people around you?
What if you can find no evidence that you shame another person? First, go back and look again. Remember that it is hard to face this part of ourselves, and so it is easy to deny shaming behavior. Next, check with others directly, by asking them if and when they feel shamed by you, and by noticing their reactions to your behavior. Watch for times when the persons you speak with look embarrassed or appear to get smaller and weaker. Also remember that one defense against shame is rage. Someone who suddenly gets very angry with you may be responding with shame to something you said.
Perhaps you don’t shame another who does shame you. Then you are the recipient of shame in a one-way relationship. Even so, be sure to read the next several steps in the guidelines as a way to check out the possibility that you are shaming others more than you know. Then focus your energy on the last few suggestions that concentrate on confronting shame from others.
One of the reasons a person shames others is simply out of habit. Sometimes shame has become so common that it’s used automatically. People may shame others for many additional reasons — a few reasons are the desire for power and control, a wish to feel superior, and as a way to defend against the exposure of their own shame.
I am stronger than you is the sometimes hidden message of those who use shame to gain power and control over another person. He tells her that she is weak, ineffectual, useless, and feeble. He points out her shortcomings as evidence that he should take over control of her life. The messages may be crude. (You’re so irresponsible I have to manage our checkbook.) Or they may be subtle. (“Keep trying, dear. One of these days maybe you will be able to handle money. Until then, though, I better write all our checks.”)
I am better than you is the hidden message that comes from a shamer who wants to feel superior to her partner or associate. She focuses upon the other’s personal or cultural “shortcomings.” For instance, she might tell her partner that he is too crude, uneducated, or simplistic ever to be her equal. This person shames others so she can continue to feel specially gifted. She uses shame to maintain her prestige.
Better you than me is usually the secret thought of a person who shames others so that they can’t shame him. This defensive maneuver is common in two-way shaming relationships in which shame contests occur often. The idea is to get in the first punch. For example, if a woman can attack her husband for his laziness before he can assail her eating habits, she protects against the exposure of her shame.
Shame can help keep someone powerful, prestigious, and safe. Why, then, would a person choose voluntarily to relinquish this excellent weapon? Indeed, some individuals refuse to quit shaming others. They prefer domination over intimacy. They would view treating others with respect and dignity as a sign of weakness.
We suggest that most people who quit shaming others do so for a selfish reason. They recognize that they can’t heal their own shame by pretending that they are somehow stronger, wiser, or better than everybody else. They find that they can only move toward the principles of humanity, humility, competence, and autonomy by giving up their claims to inherent superiority and inferiority. They can’t find their place in the human community until they allow the people they love to be human and good enough.
Individuals who want to develop nonshaming relationships with others must take a good look at what they have gained through shaming others. Then, with this knowledge, they can decide whether or not they want to change their behavior.
Shame attacks hurt the people we care about. Now is the time to pay careful attention to this damage. Do your children stumble to their rooms and refuse to come out, even to play, after you shame them? Does your partner look embarrassed whenever you hammer away at some topic better left alone? Do your work associates flinch at your savage attacks on their personalities?
It takes no great skill to harm another individual through shame. Anybody can do it. Most people are vulnerable to shame because they need approval from the important persons in their lives. We believe that it takes more skill to refrain from shaming others and, instead, to demonstrate consistent caring and appreciation.
Be specific here. Listen to the difference between these two statements:
Notice that the second comment provides exact cues for the shamer. From now on, he can remind himself that he doesn’t want to say or do things that cause that response in another. And, if he does notice someone respond that way, he’ll be able to tell himself that he may have tapped that person’s shame. He can then choose to change his actions before more damage is done.
The shamer should also attend to the damage he does to himself. Does he feel worse instead of better after a shame attack? Does he feel isolated and alone? Does he invite others to shame him, starting a shame contest? Does he feel less than fully human when he shames others? Does he feel guilty? Here, too, he needs to be as specific as possible. Vague responses are not useful because they do not lead to real behavioral changes.
Warning: Do not rush to make everything right all at once. You may be overwhelmed with shame and guilt if you do. Take your time. Learn about yourself. Start slow and easy. Give yourself time to make real changes in your life.
Many habitual shamers are people who are themselves deeply ashamed and full of self-hatred. Furthermore, they often shame others with statements they really believe about themselves. For example, a worker who calls her co-worker boring and dull may secretly believe that she — herself — is boring and dull. This person “projects” her shame outside of herself — she gives it away so she won’t feel defective.
It’s important to consider this possibility when you study how you shame others. Pay attention in particular to statements that you use most frequently — those are the ones you most likely believe about yourself. Also, look for shaming statements that don’t fit the other person at all, such as calling someone lazy who obviously is not. Here again, you may be tapping your own projected shame.
This doesn’t mean that every nasty comment you make is about your shame, nor can you assume that all the shaming statements people direct at you are projections of their own shame. There are many reasons that people shame each other.
Shaming another may hide a person’s shame from us, but it can’t heal our shame. We must have the courage to face our shame, rather than trying to give it away by blaming and attacking another. The next step after awareness is to make a commitment to quit shaming others with our own self-hatred.
We believe that shaming another human being damages the inner dignity of the shamer. The individual who attacks others moves away from her own humanity, humility, autonomy, and competence. Shaming others, in the long run, increases a person’s shame instead of lessening it. The person who wants to relieve her own shame needs to make a serious commitment to refrain from shaming others.
“I agree that I should stop shaming my spouse, but what if he keeps on shaming me? I will only agree to quit if he does.” This person gives responsibility for her decisions to her husband. She allows him to decide how she will run her life. If he agrees to the truce and reneges, she would have an excuse to return to her own shaming activities.
The point is that we can’t wait for the world to become a nicer place. We can’t wait until everybody else quits shaming us before we make a serious commitment to change our behavior. Self-determination means we are responsible for our own behavior. The time to stop shaming the people we care about is as soon as we realize that belittling them only diminishes ourselves.
If you habitually tell someone she is fat and ugly, today make a commitment to erase that phrase from your vocabulary. Don’t allow yourself to nitpick somebody’s tiny failings. Decide today that you will no longer publicly humiliate your partner. Then keep those commitments. Don’t try not to shame others - just don’t shame them. If you do break this promise, don’t attack yourself. Instead, immediately correct the situation by apologizing to the person you shamed and renewing your promise not to shame others. Remember also to watch and manage your nonverbal behavior so that you don’t shame another with a dirty look.
Sometimes, others will respond positively to your changes. They might stop shaming you now that you are no longer degrading them. Try to consider those changes as wonderful bonuses but not as the payoff for your decision. The real reward for not shaming others is that you gain greater self-respect. People who refuse to shame others are less likely to shame themselves.
People create communication vacuums when they stop one kind of behavior but do not replace it with another. For example, one couple agreed to quit shaming each other after realizing the damage they were doing to the relationship. But then they found they had nothing to talk about. Their partnership was so shame-based that it was virtually empty in the absence of continuous mutual criticism.
Praise, respect, and appreciation are positive ways to replace shaming words and actions. These new behaviors may be difficult at first for the habitual shamer. Many persons will have to make a conscious effort to learn how to speak in a nonshaming manner. First, they will need to pay attention to the good things, instead of the flaws, about others. Second, they will have to learn how to tell others that they respect and appreciate them. Last, they need to resist the urge to praise with condemnation, which returns them to the shaming behavior.
Here are a few ideas to remember if you accept the goal of learning to speak in nonshaming ways:
Once you have made a commitment to respect others, you are ready to pay serious attention to how others shame you. This does not mean that you have to be perfect or that you will never shame another individual again. That is impossible. The point is, you can’t realistically expect another person to quit shaming you until you have altered your own shaming behavior.
Begin with a current relationship in which you suspect that you are shamed frequently. Take a few days or a week simply to study the shaming patterns that occur. Don’t forget to notice how you shame the other individual as well as how that person shames you.
Watch carefully for repeated phrases and actions — shaming habits that have developed, such as one person condescendingly patting the other on the head or regularly ignoring what the other says. Notice both subtle and crude attacks on your self-esteem. Watch for times when someone seems to deliberately shame you, in contrast to occasions when shaming seems to happen less consciously. You may even notice times when you feel ashamed by messages that may have been intended to make you feel better. Try to remember that, in many relationships, shame is more often dealt out accidentally than with the desire to inflict permanent damage.
A message or action is shaming, regardless of the intent of the sender, when the recipient feels less human, less humble (in the sense of being no better or worse than others), less autonomous, or less competent. It is important that you learn how another person’s shaming messages harm you.
Answering these questions helps identify the immediate effects of shame. But it is also necessary to attend to long-term consequences. Ask yourself a few more questions that focus on at least the last several months in your relationship with another individual.
Shame causes damage. Your task here is to become more aware of how you are being damaged by shame directed at you. Be specific, just as you were when you assessed how you damaged others with your own shaming behavior. Try not to minimize or exaggerate — just be as accurate as you can. You will soon need to speak clearly to the person who is shaming you, as you confront and challenge shaming behaviors.
Now we have reached the decision point. Do we proceed, with all the knowledge we’ve gathered, to confront the people who shame us? Do we dare risk their denial, anger, defensiveness, and their ability to shame us all the more, in order to gain respectful and appreciative treatment? Are we willing to face the fears of abandonment — fears that reflect our doubts about our own validity as human beings?
It’s scary to challenge someone who has the power to shame you. However, the longer shaming continues uncontested, the more damage it does to the receiver. Shame, unchallenged, works its way into the core of an individual’s self-concept. Sooner or later, a person who wants to feel healthy pride and dignity will have to confront those who shame her. She will need to tell those people that she is no longer willing to participate in relationships that add to her sense of shame. She will request specific changes in the words and actions of those individuals to promote respect, rather than shame.
Here are a few suggestions if you do decide to confront shaming behavior:
Perhaps these ideas sound complicated. Actually, only one act stands out as a necessity. Somehow, you must inform the persons who regularly shame you that you will no longer accept that behavior. Shame makes a person sick. It is time to insist that the important persons in your life contribute to your health instead.
Shaming habits are hard to break, even when both individuals want to quit shaming each other. They are even more difficult to alter when one or both continue shaming the other. This means that the person who challenges a shame-based relationship may need to leave that relationship if the shaming continues unabated.
Shamed persons may dread the idea of leaving a partner (employer, friendship) who shames them. They fear that no one else will ever want them. Sadly, they are paralyzed by the very shame they can’t imagine escaping. They have lost faith that they deserve a good place in the world.
No other person should tell you to leave a shaming relationship. Those decisions are too personal and vital for others to judge from afar. But it is reasonable to ask someone what he or she hopes to gain by staying in a relationship. It may be time to get out if the answer to this question is more shame, blame, and unhappiness.
Some shame-based relationships cannot be salvaged. Shame permeates and controls so many interactions that change is impossible. Furthermore, some people seem incapable of, or uninterested in, learning and practicing respectful communication. These relationships may eventually have to be ended in order to develop self-respect.
Those who confront shaming behavior in their current relationships will discover that the shame episodes gradually diminish. First, they shame others less frequently. Second, they accept fewer shame attacks from others. Third, they will probably notice that they are more attracted to others who practice respect rather than shame.
Mutually nonshaming relationships must be nurtured. They consist of people who consciously choose to treat each other with dignity and respect. All parties need the courage to confront shaming behavior as it occurs so it can be changed before much damage is done. Above all, individuals in respectful relationships must remember that their partners, friends, and associates deserve to be treated with fairness.
Mutually respectful relationships help heal the wounds of shame. They are only possible when the participants make and regularly renew their vow to refrain from shaming each other. They are sustained through commitment, communication, and sometimes hard work.
Stick with the Winners is a slogan often repeated in self-help communities such as Alcoholics Anonymous. We want to offer the same suggestion. Here the winners are people who treat each other and themselves with honor, respect, and dignity. These are persons who choose not to shame each other.
Shame in current relationships can be healed. The process begins with checking out how we shame others. You may then decide to convert your shaming into nonshaming behavior. The next major step is to confront and challenge others whose shaming attacks damage you.
People who are shamed regularly have difficulty feeling good about themselves. Therefore, a goal is to develop and maintain mutually respectful relationships. While these relationships may have been deeply shaming, we believe such relationships can be altered — provided both members want change, or at least one of them refuses to continue living with shame. But some relationships are incapable of a pattern of mutual respect. In such cases, you may choose to leave the association in order to protect your self-worth.
List on a separate sheet of paper the main ways you shame others.
Next, circle any of the following items that you gain as a result of shaming others. List any others you think of.
Put an “x” before the items on the following list that you lose from shaming others. Put an “o” by the items that others lose when you shame them.
Specifically, how do you see that others are damaged when you shame them?
Parents who are ashamed of their youthful “wildness” may shame their children by accusing them of sexual behavior without much justification. Children who have just violated a rule may shame their little brother or sister for being bad when they have done nothing. Partners “project” like this, too, shaming each other because they are seeing their own flaws. Make a list now of everything you shame in others that are also flaws you see in yourself. Be honest!
Using the following form (on a separate sheet of paper), make a commitment to stop specific shaming behaviors. Any violation of these commitments means you owe the other person an apology, no matter how that person behaved toward you. Your commitment is to gain dignity and self-respect due to your own behavior.
Person:
How I shame him or her:
My commitment to stop shaming this person:
Date: Signature:
Results at one day:
Results at one week:
Results at two weeks:
Results at three weeks:
Results at one month:
Results at six weeks:
Now you are ready to consider how others shame you. Choose just one to start with — this could be a partner, parent, child, sibling, employer, colleague, or counselor. Write on a sheet of paper the shaming messages directed at you. Remember those messages that say you are not good, not good enough, not lovable, don’t belong, and should not exist. These messages can be transmitted to you verbally or nonverbally. Your sheet of paper should look like this:
Message:
How Received:
Choose one shaming behavior to challenge first. As you see the results, you may wish to challenge other messages. Be clear, specific, and respectful in your challenges. Be sure to use the guidelines noted in the section on confronting and challenging shaming behavior directed toward you. Respond to this exercise on a separate sheet of paper.