“Thoughts that I am worthless and useless still come back — more often than I want to admit. I just don’t get too excited about them anymore. The more I respect myself, the less power my shame has over me.”
* * * * * * * * * *
He always used to think of himself as a “throwaway.” Now he knows that he is definitely a “keeper.” He has begun appreciating himself. Furthermore, he treats himself with more respect. He has finally realized that a person who wants to enjoy life cannot be filled with disgust and self-hatred.
* * * * * * * * * *
“I was completely isolated. I felt disconnected from my family, God, the whole world, and from myself. I had no idea why I was alive. My shame was all I had left. Finally, I went back to my roots in order to put meaning into my life. Once I found my spiritual center, my shame started to let up.”
* * * * * * * * * *
She believed she could never quit shaming herself. Even after years of therapy, she felt waves of self-hatred and contempt. Then one day she awakened with a simple thought: It’s good to be alive today. She allowed herself to celebrate her life. For that moment, she could accept herself and appreciate the miracle of her being.
* * * * * * * * * *
If necessary, make a quick review of the general guidelines for healing shame from Chapters Eleven and Twelve before launching into this chapter. Many of those ideas are quite important here, such as being patient with yourself, accepting your shame as part of the human condition, asking for help, challenging the shame, and taking mental and physical action to alleviate shame. The guidelines here are meant to complement the general guidelines.
We may be telling ourselves repeatedly that we are not as good as others. This may be obvious, if we continually apologize or assume what we say makes no sense to anyone else. Our self-shame may also be hidden from view, consisting mostly of insulting or discounting ourselves. Many people focus on a few statements that appear quite frequently and “automatically.” These messages symbolize their shame. A few examples are
Your patience will be needed here. Your first task in halting self-shame is to become fully aware how you condemn yourself. This means paying attention to your thoughts that automatically appear without examination. This means not rushing to alter them so quickly that you fail to appreciate their strength and persistence. Remember, we must learn how to sit quietly with our shame before we can hope to build a new life.
We need to become objective observers of our condition. We must study ourselves and answer questions like these:
We may have trouble initiating or completing this task. One reason for this is that shame may have lessened our interest and excitement. It is hard to be curious about ourselves if we feel dull and boring. Another reason might be that we believe we are so bad that we want nothing to do with ourselves. Or we might fear that noticing our shame will only make it worse. Each of these reasons is valid. Each of us has the right to choose where, how, when, and if ever we will begin.
Nevertheless, if we want to minimize the damage from our self-shaming thoughts and behavior, we need to take the time and effort to answer these questions. It is important that, as we do this, we do not add to our shame by blaming ourselves for having self-shaming thoughts. For instance, we should try not to say something like this: Damn it, there I go again. Another shaming thought. There must really be something wrong with me. I must be sick.
Instead, recognize that now you are gaining valuable information through these thoughts. You are discovering how you condemn yourself so that, soon, you can begin to challenge those thoughts and increase your self-respect.
You begin dialogue with yourself when you challenge your self-shaming statements.
Fortunately, each message guides you toward an affirmation that can help heal the shame. These positive messages will usually be as simple and obvious as the condemnations. For example, the challenge to the shaming statement I never do anything right is I can do things right. Similarly, Nobody could really love me converts to I am lovable, while There is something wrong with me can be challenged with There is nothing wrong with me or There is something right with me. Finally, the shaming statement I am just a nothing (or nobody) converts to I am something (or somebody).
No one message heals all shame because each person’s shame is unique. That is why, if our lives are shame-based, we need to identify our own affirmations. These affirmations should be clear and simple. They must directly challenge the one or two most significant shaming messages. They must also be at least a little believable when we say them to ourselves.
Imagine a conversation that could take place inside your head. It might sound something like this:
Shamed Self: I know that there is something wrong with me. I’ve known that for years.
Respectful Self: I’m getting tired of hearing you say that. I’ve decided that there is something right with me.
Shamed Self: Nonsense. I’m broken, damaged, useless, worth-less…
Respectful Self: I’m human. There is something right with me.
You may not win this battle. The important thing is that you are actually challenging your shame instead of allowing it to run your life. You are disputing the shaming messages that may have gone unquestioned for years.
Notice the assumptions you make about the value of your being. “Facts” are not necessarily of much use, since you do not have to prove there is something right with you by citing good deeds, pure thoughts, or accomplishments. There is something right with you because you want there to be something right. Recovery from excessive shame is partly a matter of decision.
Your intellect and reason certainly are important in healing excessive shame. They prepare for the dialogue that heals shame. But intellect and reason alone cannot produce major changes in your basic assumption about your identity. They alone cannot give you a reason for being nor put meaning into your life. You need to be able to say to yourself: I exist and I am good. You must decide to have faith in yourself and your world.
The Alcoholics Anonymous community has developed the idea of Act As If thinking and behavior. The newly recovering person, still uncertain about a commitment to abstinence, is asked to Act As If he really wanted to stay sober. He then acts in a fully committed manner, doing such things as attending AA meetings rather than spending time in taverns. Many times, the person who starts out acting as if he wanted sobriety eventually grows to value this behavior. His body and mind respond so well that he eventually cherishes his abstinence and no longer needs to drink.
You may also need to begin recovery from self-shaming with Act As If thinking and behavior. Specifically, you may have to ask yourself, What would. I do now if I truly respected myself?
Don’t wait until you feel free from excessive shame to begin treating yourself respectfully. Instead, start immediately to retrain yourself in the habits of healthy pride, dignity, and honor. That means you can substitute self-caring thoughts and behaviors for self-shaming ones whenever possible.
You may need to ask others for help in order to learn what self-respecting behaviors are. You need to model your actions on what others who seem to honor themselves do. You might even speak directly to those persons. They may be able to share their own experiences — how they have learned to care for themselves. Some of them may also have had to practice Acting As If thinking for a while.
The celebration can be a simple one. It is private and personal. Mostly, it consists of reminding yourself every day to appreciate and enjoy life.
The opposite of celebrating your existence is apologizing for it, something that many persons who feel deeply shamed do.
You can begin or renew this celebration remembering the four principles:
These principles can encourage you to recognize that you are no better or worse than others, that you are capable and unique.
I am who I am is the statement of a person who has learned to accept himself. There is no apology for being, no focus on weaknesses, deficits, failures, or shortcomings. Nor is there narcissism (which may include conceit and excessive pride) or grandiosity.
Since “facts” may not be enough to convince us that we belong on this planet, we must look for deeper faith and conviction. No one can really justify their presence on earth with arguments about how much good they do, beauty they create, or money they make. We must decide to celebrate our existence rather than how we live and what we do.
One reminder: continuing shame can sometimes signal the presence of biochemically-induced depression. Joylessness often is a part of depression. If the tasks in this section of the book seem impossible for you even to imagine doing, you may need to review the signs of depression (Exercise Two).
Certain images occur regularly with shame. There is the stooped-over man with head bent down or the blushing woman covering her face with her hands. These pictures reflect a physical and emotional response to shame. Each person probably develops a specific image of shame unique to him-or herself. For one person, it might be a vivid memory from childhood of a parent pointing a finger down at her. Another person might picture her shame as a pathetic, weak figure unable to do anything well. Yet another might remember a particularly embarrassing scene, such as becoming “stinking drunk,” as the symbol of his shame. These vivid portraits both reflect and add to shame. The portraits reflect it by showing people how they look when they are ashamed. The portraits add to these people’s shame by diminishing their sense of self-worth.
These “automatic” images accompany automatic shaming thoughts.
Pride, honor, dignity, and self-respect are words that produce very different mental visions. Think of yourself as standing upright, looking straight ahead, full of grace and strength. These positive images are vital. If you want to heal from excessive shame, you will need to develop several positive pictures of yourself to counter habitual self-shaming images.
The best images are those that occur naturally. These originate from actual successes in your life or from idealized concepts of yourself. They will feel right to you. You will sense that you are seeing yourself at your best — as a good person in a good world — when you allow yourself to develop these images.
Some pictures of your nonshamed, healthy self may come from childhood. For instance, a man might remember a scene where he and his father are walking down a trail together during hunting season. They are talking “man to man,” not really caring about the hunt, just enjoying each other’s company because of their mutual interest in, and respect for, each other. The key ingredients in this scene are its clarity, simplicity, and power. The now grown man can still use this image to remind him that he can live with dignity.
Other images may be more immediate. A woman who has, in the past, been dominated by men may be able to visualize herself calmly and articulately explaining her ideas to her boyfriend or male employer. This picture will assist her in her real encounters with men, because she will not begin with the assumption that she is inadequate.
Not all positive images have to be as concrete as the ones above. You might identify with something you believe has inner dignity, such as an eagle or oak tree. You might try to do things every day that reflect that dignity.
Please note that your images do not have to be heroic. You do not have to imagine yourself as a conquering hero destroying everything in your path to relieve shame. In fact, such heroic images may lead to greater shame when you realize that you cannot live up to them. The portraits that relieve excessive shame are those that help you feel good about being you. They are not fantasies about who you can never be.
Do you need help developing respectful images of yourself? The exercises at the end of this chapter can help with this task.
You can continue your recovery process by recognizing that you need to mend your damaged spirit as well as your feelings, thoughts, and actions. You may need to renew or develop your spirituality through prayer, meditation, and discussion with others.
This spiritual search may be scary. Sometimes shamed persons tremble at the thought of renewing contact with a Higher Power that they believed condemned them long ago. Others lost interest in spirituality as part of their general loss of heart and hope. Still others may have to deal with their rage at a God they think allowed them to feel so badly for so long. Finally, there are those who have little interest in organized religion, and who do not wish to connect their deep shame with spiritual distress. They may fear that they will have to embrace an uncomfortable religion.
We will make no effort to direct your spiritual search. All we are suggesting is that you need to move past the isolation and desolation of shame, and move toward making connection with the universe. We must somehow find our spirit and a deep sense that our lives have meaning.
Shame separates us from the world. When we heal, we will discover that we are not alone. Some people discover their fears of abandonment ease when they gain the conviction that they are firmly held in the hands of a loving God. Others simply rejoice in a private but profound recognition that they have an inner spiritual light.
Some authors write that shame (normal, healthy shame) helps preserve and protect spirituality. They note that deeply spiritual events in a person’s life are often private and personal — certainly, few persons would want to have their prayers and meditations made public. This idea reminds us that the goal is not to eliminate shame but to learn how to appreciate and use it appropriately. The person who locates a spiritual center will not be without shame, but he or she will be free from excessive shame and open to the normal shame that maintains inner harmony.
We have a remarkable ability to harm ourselves. One way we do this is by shaming ourselves. When we emphasize our weaknesses and shortcomings, we forget that we are inherently valuable and worthwhile. In this chapter, we have provided guidelines designed to help change self-shaming thoughts and actions into self-respect.
Some of the guidelines are directed at the shaming messages we repeat to ourselves. These messages prevent us from developing a more positive viewpoint. They must be noticed, challenged, and replaced with positive affirmations. We must also change our behavior so we consistently treat ourselves with respect.
Two signs of recovery are when we learn to celebrate our existence and when we develop positive metaphors and symbols for our life.
Spiritual emptiness and despair must also be addressed. As deeply shamed persons, we may have lost our faith that life has meaning. We need to begin or renew our spiritual search so we can find a place for ourselves in the world.
Return to Chapter One, Exercise Three for a brief review. If some of these condemning messages are a problem for you, try the following exercise, using a separate sheet of paper.
Write affirmations that will help you put the past behind you — affirmations that reflect the new decision you are making about who you are. Now, repeating these affirmations often, begin Acting As If they are true. For example, if you have decided that you are beautiful rather than ugly, treat yourself that way and Act As If you are. If you have decided that you are smart rather than an idiot, listen to your thoughts and opinions carefully. Tell yourself they are worthwhile. And act with others as if you are proud of what you think and say. Note the results of Acting As If on a separate sheet of paper.
Pride, honor, self-respect, and dignity are the antidotes to self-shaming behavior. Make a list (on a separate sheet of paper) of times you treated yourself nonshamefully. For example:
What do you need to do to have more of these experiences?
We celebrate our existence when we do something just for ourselves instead of only for others. For example, we celebrate our existence by
Those of us who have acted arrogantly can celebrate our life by focusing on our humility and humanity. People who are shame-deficient can celebrate by honoring the lives of others as well as their own. Celebrate your life in at least one special way this week. If this seems foreign, maybe a friend can help you learn how to take pleasure in being alive. List several possibilities.
Give yourself at least half an hour and go for a walk. Let yourself wander, rather than going to a specific place. As you stroll slowly, allow something positive in nature to come to your attention — a unique bush, a special tree, a brook, a nesting bird. When something like this pops out at you, look at its quality and beauty. Discover the message it has for you, and consider ways you may be similar to it. Use it to keep a positive image of yourself this week. Write on a separate sheet of paper what you learned from it. (Example: one impatient man learned from oak trees that the patience to grow slowly can equal strength.)
Strong shame experiences and self-shaming can empty our life of meaning. We get confused about why we are alive, what use we are, and whether there is any future for us. We must reconnect to the world. One way is to focus on our breathing, making it deeper and more relaxed, and allowing the extra oxygen we take in to inspire us. Often, those of us who have been continually shamed begin to unconsciously hold our breath — this makes us even more frightened, depressed, and disconnected than we already are. So spending a few minutes breathing deeply whenever we find ourselves holding our breath or feeling depressed is a good start at reconnecting — it puts us back in touch with ourselves.
Answer the following questions on a separate sheet of paper.
Self-discovery or spiritual reconnection also means regularly practicing some form of relaxed meditation, prayer, or spiritual visualization (for example, visualizing a Higher Power).