She had felt special and gifted all her life. Aloof and superior, she calmly waited for the world to acknowledge her obvious excellence. Now she realizes that she is simply human. She is finally climbing down from her throne.
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“I was part of the let it all hang out’ movement of the sixties and seventies. I was uninhibited in everything I did. Back then, I thought you had to sacrifice dignity in order to be real.”
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“My family was crude. We talked about everything. Now I have to be very careful not to embarrass myself and my associates when I speak. I’ve had to learn to respect their boundaries.”
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The last several chapters have focused on the problems of persons with normal or excessive amounts of shame and how healing from shame can be accomplished. Here we will look at what can be done if you have too little shame and tend to be self-centered, immodest, and indiscreet.
Shame deficiency does not have to be extreme. Probably everyone has had a time when his or her ego inflated to the point of losing contact with the world. For instance, a person is asked at a party to tell others about a recent accomplishment. He starts to do so, feels wonderful, gets carried away, and then notices about ten minutes later that everyone has quit paying attention. The person with normal shame will feel humbled by this experience. It is hoped he can take it in stride and perhaps even see the humor in the situation. The excessively shamed person will see this event as more proof that he is defective, not realizing that it happens to almost everybody sooner or later. The very shame-deficient person may not even notice that others have quit listening and will continue his monologue indefinitely.
Normal shame disconnects one person from another but provides hope that the connection can be reestablished. But the shame-deficient person may not even recognize that the connection has been broken. The shame-deficient person is so full of herself that she assumes people are always interested in her words and actions. She also lacks empathy for others. She cannot place herself in the shoes of those around her because she never thinks to take her own shoes off.
We have discussed the idea of recovery from excessive shame. In shame deficiency, the issue is more one of discovery. The shame-deficient person must try to discover the value of normal shame, discretion, respect, and personal dignity. He must sacrifice his self-perceived position as the center of the universe in order to join the human race.
The following guidelines might help shame-deficient people in this discovery process.
The self-centered, narcissistic person who lacks normal shame must make an important decision. Does she want to cling to her idea that she is somehow special, definitely better than those around her? Or is she willing to give up that concept and embrace the principle of humility? This is no easy choice. Indeed, many persons attempt to compromise. They practice “false modesty,” pretending to be just like everybody else. But secretly they still think they are superior.
It is hard to alter the basic assumptions we make about life. The person who has always “just known” that he is superior may experience tremendous confusion when he discovers that there is no basis for his belief. He may continue to insist that he is smarter, wiser, et cetera. For that matter, all of us can find at least a few reasons to justify our supremacy. The shame-deficient person concentrates on these points to validate, to himself, his natural excellence. He feels he would be nothing at all if he were not superior.
This sense of nothingness is the greatest problem. Certain people cannot move toward humility because they confuse it with nothingness. They have always been at the center of their universe. It is like asking the sun to agree to become a small planet. The shame-deficient person may feel life is not possible under such conditions.
The first step for healing, then, is for the shame-deficient person to recognize that humility is possible. This means that she sees clearly that she can learn to accept this idea. It means she can envision herself as a “planet” instead of as a “sun.”
The second step occurs when the shame-deficient person decides that he wants to live humbly. But why should he? In order to become emotionally and spiritually reconnected to the rest of humanity. Conceit deprives him of the warmth of community and intimacy. He needs to leave the loneliness of superiority and join the rest of the human race.
The decision is painful. The shame-deficient person may choose to maintain her sense of supremacy because it is familiar, it seems right, or because she prefers it to the nothingness that she feels she would face if she abandoned it. She might also decide to explore the world of humility to learn if trading superiority for community is worth it. She might vacillate from one state to the other frequently in this process.
Humility means the acceptance that you are neither better nor worse than others. It is a philosophy of respect for the inner dignity of all people. The humble individual does not have to give up what he is good at nor pretend that he is “average” at everything he does. He can still pursue excellence in his activities.
Nor should we confuse humility with the word “humiliation.” A person can be humble without suffering humiliation from others. The term humility implies respect for the self and others; humiliation implies disrespect.
A third step in the process of embracing humility is making a sincere and consistent effort to live humbly. This must be more than a nice idea or an interesting possibility. It must be lived daily. Three ways to begin living a more humble life are described in guidelines two, three, and four.
If you identified some characteristics of shame deficiency in yourself, you need to make a conscious effort to become more interested in other people. It means carefully listening to what others are saying without impatiently trying to redirect their attention to you. It means noticing the inner dignity of each person you meet.
Erving Polster describes in Every Person’s Life Is Worth a Novel how we could write a story about each person because we all lead interesting and exciting lives. He suggests that many people do not realize the richness and beauty of their experiences. He believes that therapy often consists of a counselor drawing out her client’s story so that both can appreciate it better. Deeply shamed people often benefit from this approach. They need someone to help them realize their own grace and beauty.
The shame-deficient person needs to put down the novel of his own life, which he rereads constantly, and get involved with the stories of others. He must learn how to draw others out — to help them tell their tales. For example, the husband who insists on telling his wife about every play he made as his softball team’s shortstop may have to remind himself to give a quick summary and then really listen to his wife’s concerns.
It is not enough to pretend to hear the other person. The parent who nods her head to her child’s words while actually reading the newspaper is still absorbed with herself. We must learn to focus our attention on someone else. We must be willing to become as fascinated with another person as we have been with ourselves.
Each individual has unique wisdom. The shame-deficient person will learn much about life when he lets himself gather experience and knowledge of others. But first he must recognize that he does not know everything. He must humble himself by admitting that the rest of the world does not exist simply to serve him.
Shame-deficient people can learn to shift their attention off themselves and onto others. At first, they may only be able to do so for a few moments at a time. But with regular practice, they will gradually improve this skill. It will help to renew this commitment every morning and even, initially, to keep a record of what you have learned about others each day. Remember that the goal here is not to find out what is bad or defective about others. It is to discover their positive qualities and their inner dignity.
The shame-deficient person needs to practice modesty and privacy to counterbalance the tendency to display himself excessively.
The modest person does not call extra attention to herself. For example, she can stay in the background and let others receive praise. She has a certain reserve that she uses to stay unpretentious. She does not need to tell others everything about herself. Her modesty reflects an inner peace — she knows who she is and has confidence in her value as a human being.
A modest person enjoys some attention and appreciation. Unlike the excessively shamed individual, he does not fear being seen. He can move with grace from foreground to background and is comfortable with himself in either position.
A person needs privacy to maintain a boundary between herself and the world. Normal shame helps us preserve our boundaries by telling us when we have violated someone’s privacy, including our own. A shame-deficient person needs her shame so she can become more aware of the difference between herself and others. She needs to see that she cannot know everything about the people around her and that they do not need to know all about her either.
The shame-deficient person must learn to keep a few “secrets.” We are not talking about serious matters that lead to unhealthy shame if hidden. The idea is to practice staying in the background at times when you would previously have sought attention. One example is to do something nice for someone else while discussing your generosity with no one. Another would be to sing harmony instead of taking the lead at a songfest. A third example would be to hear a piece of gossip and keep it to yourself. The person who tries these activities may gain a new respect for the value of modesty and privacy.
Tact and discretion complement modesty and privacy. They remind a person that others can feel shame because of her lack of concern for their boundaries.
Here is what not to do:
The person who disregards tact shames others. This behavior might be intentional and planned. It might be a half-conscious effort to attack others without taking responsibility for our actions. It might be entirely accidental or a product of ignorance in social affairs. Whatever the reasons, indiscretion signals others that a person has violated the shame boundary.
The shame-deficient person needs to practice tact for two reasons. First, he will gain respect for others. According to Gershen Kaufman, author of Shame: The Power of Caring, this will help the shame-deficient person keep the “interpersonal bridge” between him and others open. Second, he will learn more about himself and his own shame as he recognizes the shame of the people he cares for. He will appreciate himself in a different way — as a person who can feel normal shame. That, in turn, can direct him toward good pride, dignity, and self-respect.
The key to healing shame deficiency is to develop a deep appreciation for the principle of humility — that each of us is no better nor worse than others. True acceptance of this concept, along with a commitment to practice it in our daily affairs, will help the shame-deficient person make better connections with others. He will also begin to feel less isolated, more part of the action than before.
The shame-deficient person must choose between her desire to be special (the center of the universe) and her desire to bond with others. Humility and self-centeredness do not mix. If she chooses humility, the tools she needs include an increased interest and concern for others, an ability to practice privacy and modesty, and an interest in being tactful and respectful of others.
Those of us who are shame deficient often focus too exclusively on ourselves — our opinions, our activities, our feelings, and our desires. In the process, although we think we know other people well, we learn very little about them. Sometimes we fail to notice that there are fascinating differences between people. We need to be interested in others. Choose a person to get to know. Spend time with that person, encouraging him or her to talk, and listen carefully to what is said. Then answer the following questions:
Do this exercise again with at least two other people, focusing mostly on them.
If you are used to getting a lot of attention, take a role in the background on the next project, committee, or activity you are involved in. While you are in the background, make a list of the strengths of others who are currently getting attention. See if you can find any strengths in them that you would like to develop in yourself. If you don’t see strengths, try another situation and do this exercise again until you can.
Refuse to tell secrets or gossip for one week, no matter how much attention or status you could get by repeating what you know, or how knowledgeable you would feel in telling. What did you gain? What did you lose? What did you learn about yourself? What did you learn about others?
Remember the signs of shame and embarrassment — someone looking down or away, blushing, pulling away. Train yourself to notice these signs in others. Then, if these occur while you are in conversation with someone, ask quietly if you have been tactless. If you are out in public, ask the person if he or she would prefer to discuss the subject privately. If you have trouble with tactlessness, you will have to learn appropriate discretion by asking for information about where the boundaries are. Notice also how you feel when you generate an embarrassed response from someone. Do you feel concerned? Superior? A secret pleasure? Something else? What does this attitude say about your ability to be human? To be humble?