Several years ago we began our research on shame. At first, all we found were books and articles full of pessimism. The authors of these volumes seemed to imply that those with chronic shame could not be helped much because shame represents a failure of being. Gradually, however, we discovered writers who noticed the positive value of shame. These men and women were more optimistic because they could see that the outlook for a shamed person was not hopeless.
We believe that shame heals. Certainly shame is a painful condition, but it is also a temporary state. The shamed person feels isolated from others, but hopes to return to the warmth of community. Feelings of shame signal us that something is wrong — that we have become disconnected from ourselves, the people we love, the world, and a spiritual Higher Power. We need to notice our shame so we can learn how once again to lift our heads and become part of the human race.
We have emphasized four principles of living: humanity, humility, autonomy, and competence. We can focus on these four concepts to relieve our pain. They remind us we are human, we are no better or worse than others, we are unique and independent, and we are “good enough” to deserve a place in this world.
Most of us will need help to heal our shame. Shame mends best when it is brought into the light of nonshaming relationships. We must counter our natural desire to hide our shame by letting others reassure us that we will not be abandoned. We will have to challenge our tendencies to attack and shame ourselves. We may need to challenge others in our life (past or present) who contributed to our shame. All this takes time, energy, courage, and patience. Shame heals, but seldom quickly.
Shame must be replaced rather than just removed. We can replace shame with honor, dignity, self-worth, and realistic pride. We can treat ourselves and others with respect. We can see the beauty and goodness in every human being, including ourselves.
We hope you have gained knowledge through the information we have presented. Even more, we hope that you will use it to help create a world in which shame is accepted without fear or gloom. Most of all, we wish each of you a life that is centered around mutual appreciation and respect.
THE AUTHORS