There was only one other time in my life when I could remember my heart beating this hard. Ironically, it was the night I’d gotten pregnant in the first place.

I didn’t bother trying to read a magazine. Sometimes I stared at the TV screen beside the receptionist’s desk, but the news was on and it was depressing as always.

I glanced up, and my stomach flipped over. The clock on the wall had to be wrong. Was my appointment really in five minutes?

No, four minutes.

Oh fuck.

I closed my eyes and took a few slow, deep breaths. Within the hour, I’d be under sedation, and when I woke up, this would all be over.

Right?

Except the physical recovery. And going back to Okinawa. And facing Stanton again.

It’s done, I could hear myself saying.

Good. Now we can forget this ever happened.

But I couldn’t forget. Any of it. Not that night. Not the threats in his office.

Not . . . this.

A nurse appeared in the doorway. “Ms. Lockhoff?”

No turning back now. I stood and glanced at Reese. To the nurse, I said, “Can she come in with me?”

“Of course. She can stay with you while we’re taking your vitals and prepping you for surgery.”

My stomach lurched. Surgery. Fuck. Maybe I should’ve gone with the chemical version. I could’ve taken a pill and been done with it. Well, aside from the pain and recovery, but those were guaranteed either way. Somehow, when I’d scheduled this, the surgical option had been more appealing because I could be oblivious for the worst part. I hadn’t considered how I’d feel walking back to pre-op, my legs shaking so bad I wasn’t sure I could keep them under me. Reese stayed close, and with every step I had to stop myself from grabbing her arm and begging her to take me away from this place.

The nurse pushed open the exam-room door and gestured for me to go in. Reese took a seat. I eyed the exam table, which was more like a chair, sitting semi-upright.

“Sit right here, Ms. Lockhoff.” The nurse patted the tissue paper–covered table-chair. “I’m just going to take your vitals, and then we’ll have you change into a gown so we can get an IV started.”

Oh God.

Stomach roiling and heart pounding, I sat on the edge of the chair while she wrote something in my chart. I caught Reese’s eye, and she gave a reassuring, if slight, smile. I tried to return it, but as the nurse put her pen aside and turned to me again, I had to focus on not getting sick or passing out.

Was I really doing this?

I swallowed hard, and I felt Stanton’s hand on my neck again, his thumb across my windpipe. Just get it done.

The nurse was talking to me, telling me what she was about to do, what would happen between now and the anesthesia kicking in. At least, that was what I thought she was saying. I nodded, answering automatically, but the only voice I heard was Stanton’s.

If I’m the father, then I have paternal rights.

And I promise you, if you decide to nuke my life and career with this kid and this “rape” bullshit—

The nurse put a plastic ID bracelet around my wrist.

—I will exercise every one of those rights.

She slid a blood pressure cuff onto my arm, and as it constricted, I gripped the table’s edge, focusing on that instead of the sensation of someone holding on to me. My arm, my throat . . .

Get it done, MA3.

The edges of my vision darkened, and the room shifted.

The nurse’s hands appeared on my shoulders. “You okay, honey?”

“I just . . .” I shouldn’t be here. “Got a little dizzy.”

“That happens sometimes. Let’s have you lie back a bit.” She gestured behind me. “Just relax, honey.” She moved her hand from my shoulder to my arm and pushed gently to guide me back against—

I was in the reclined passenger seat again. Streetlamps. Dashboard lights. Fingers digging into my arm. Someone shoving my skirt up to my hip.

“Just relax,” a voice that might’ve been the nurse’s and might’ve been Stanton’s echoed in my ears. “Lie back.”

Fighting didn’t do any good against hands that strong. I couldn’t get enough air. The world was spinning. I couldn’t breathe. Where the fuck was I? In the car? In an exam room? Was that a dome light or a fluorescent? Where the—

“Kim.” Reese’s voice startled me back to the exam room. She cupped my face. “Look at me, Kim.”

I blinked a few times until I focused on her and grabbed her wrist because I needed to touch her and be sure she was really there.

“Kim, you’re safe.” She stroked my hair with her other hand. “You’re in the clinic. On Oahu. You’re safe.”

A shudder went through me, and I sank back against the half-reclined table. Cold water surged through my veins. My hand shook as I released Reese’s wrist, and I tried to just breathe.

“You with me, Kim?”

I nodded. When had my whole body started shaking like this?

Reese turned her head. “Can we have a minute?”

“Sure. Of course.”The nurse? Where had she come from? “I’ll be right outside.”

“Thank you.” Reese faced me again. “Just breathe.”

“I need to—”

“Breathe,” she whispered. “You don’t have to do anything until you’re ready. Give yourself some time to come back down.”

“What the hell happened?”

She stroked my face with soft fingertips. “I think you had a flashback.”

I licked my dry lips. “God. I did.” The tissue paper crinkled under me as I let my head rest on the pillow. “Jesus . . .”

She took my hand. “Has it passed?”

“I think so.” I turned toward her. “Do they happen to you?”

Reese nodded. “Not so much anymore, but . . . yeah.” Her thumb ran back and forth along mine. “They’re terrifying, I know.”

I rubbed my other hand over my face, wiping away sweat. “I don’t even know what happened.”

“Don’t try to figure it out right now. Just let yourself relax.”

I closed my eyes.

Reese squeezed my hand. “You don’t have to go through with this, Kim.”

“Yes, I do.” I struggled to find my breath. “They can’t get me in again before my leave is—”

“It’s okay. You can always take more leave if you need to.” She released my hand and touched my face again. The pad of her thumb made soft, comforting arcs along my cheekbone, and I focused on that as she whispered, “Once it’s done, there’s no going back. If you’re not sure, then don’t. There’s still time to think it over.”

I chewed my lip.

A quiet knock at the door turned both our heads. It opened slightly, and the nurse poked her head through. “Are you doing better, honey?”

I nodded. “Yeah. You can come in.”

She shut the door behind her.

I took a breath. “I’m . . . I’m not sure I can go through with this.”

The nurse set my chart on the counter. “A lot of young ladies do reconsider at the last minute. It’s a big decision.”

I swallowed the lump rising in my throat. “Except I need to do this.”

She looked at me with kind eyes. “You’re only eight weeks along. You still have time before the law becomes an issue.” She took my hand and squeezed it gently. “It’s an important decision, so if you want to use that time . . .”

I glanced at Reese, and she nodded.

The nurse touched my shoulder. “I’ll give you a few minutes.”

She left again. As soon as we were alone, Reese put her arm around my shoulders, and I almost broke down.

“I don’t know what to do,” I whispered.

“You heard the nurse.” She smoothed my hair. “If you need more time, take it. This is your decision. No one else’s. Definitely not his. Don’t make it until you’re absolutely sure you’re ready.”

“What about our leave?”

“We’ll work it out. I’ll email MA1. He’ll make it happen. I promise.”

I wasn’t so sure Gutiérrez would grant us an extension, but I just hugged her back and murmured, “Thank you.”

Stepping out of that cool, sterile air and into the thick humidity was beyond liberating. Everything had been out of my control since the night Stanton had raped me, but finally, I was the one making a decision.

Reese slid into the driver’s seat, and as I buckled my seat belt, asked, “Where do you want to go?”

“Let’s just go back to the room for now. I think I need to decompress.”

“Sounds like a plan.” She turned the key but didn’t put the car in gear yet. “You’re doing the right thing, by the way.”

I met her eyes. “Do you think getting the abortion is the wrong thing?”

She chewed the inside of her cheek. “Not necessarily. And that’s not my decision to make anyway. I meant giving yourself a little more time to make sure this is what you want.”

I exhaled. “Hopefully a few days will be enough time to figure it out.”

“Hopefully.”

Neither of us talked on the way back to the motel. God knew what she was thinking about as she stared out at the road. Me, I just watched the scenery going by as I tried to sort out the jumble of thoughts banging around in my mind. I wanted to cry because this whole situation wouldn’t go away. I wanted to laugh because it was all so damned absurd, and maybe if I laughed, I wouldn’t cry. But the opposing needs seemed to cancel each other out, and I was just . . . numb. Exhausted. I was sure Reese was right and I’d done the right thing, and at the same time, I was equally convinced I’d just royally fucked up and this would come back and bite me in the ass.

Reese pulled into the motel parking lot, and we headed inside.

This room had felt like a prison cell for the last few days. I didn’t have much money and hadn’t been in the mood for doing touristy stuff by myself, so I’d spent almost the entire week cooped up in here, staring at the walls and wondering when the hell this would all be over.

But coming back to it now, I felt safe. Like walking through the door meant I’d really escaped, that no one would grab me and drag me back to the clinic to finish what I’d started.

No one was coming after me. They’d all been kind and supportive, though they’d advised me of the fees for canceling within twenty-four hours, and then I’d torn off the medical bracelet and headed for the door. No one had tried to stop me. Stanton’s reach hadn’t extended to the palm-shaded women’s clinic on Oahu, and I’d signed myself out with no incident.

As Reese turned the dead bolt, I sank onto the foot of the bed, sitting on the same spot where I’d nearly broken down the other day. Right before I’d begged Reese for the support that had turned into a plane trip and her reassuring company.

She stepped away from the door and put a hand on my shoulder. “How are you holding up?”

“I’m okay.” I released a breath. “And thanks. I guess I wasn’t ready to go through with it.”

“Then it’s all right to wait.” She went to her seabag and pulled out her laptop. “Let me email Gutiérrez before I forget.”

“Are you sure he’ll give us an extension on our leave?”

“He will if he knows what’s good for him,” she muttered. I couldn’t decide if the implication was that he’d have to answer to Stanton or to her, but either way, as long as the extension was granted, I’d be happy.

She tapped out an email, sent it, and closed her laptop. “There. Done.”

“And you’re sure he’ll—”

“He will. Trust me.”

I sat back, resting my hands behind me. “Just another reason I’m glad you’re here.”

She smiled as she slid her laptop back into her bag. “I’m here to help.”

“But I’m burning your leave.”

She shrugged. “I’ve got forty days on the books.”

“Still. You had to take leave, be at the terminal at 0200.” I shook my head. “Why?”

She sat down beside me and took my hand in hers. “You said you needed someone.”

I held her gaze and her hand but didn’t say anything. The truth was, I hadn’t just needed someone. Whether or not I’d realized it at the time, looking at her now, there wasn’t a doubt in my mind—I’d needed her. I couldn’t explain why, but out of the other seven billion people on this planet, I was grateful as hell to have this one in particular sitting here with me.

She laced our fingers together. “Maybe after we’ve chilled for a bit, we should go get you something to eat.”

“Good idea. Now that you mention it, I’m starving.” I shuddered at the memory of why I hadn’t eaten since last night. “I could eat just about anything, I think.”

“I don’t doubt that at all.” She stood, picked up the rental car’s keys, and spun them around her finger. “Let’s go.”