Kim cuddled up next to me with her head on my shoulder, and for the longest time we just lay there in each other’s arms beneath the covers.

I couldn’t remember the last time I’d felt like this. This postcoitalsigh feeling had been a stranger for quite a while.

I’d never had more cathartic sex in my life, and my emotions were running a million miles an hour in a million different directions. I wanted to laugh out loud. I wanted to cry. I wanted to hold on to her and never let go. I wanted to be sick.

That cigarette suddenly seemed more necessary than I’d thought, but I held off. A hit of nicotine sounded absolutely heavenly, but not quite as good as lying here beside Kim. Even if lying here beside Kim was part of the problem.

Jesus fuck. I’m going crazy, aren’t I?

Closing my eyes, I kissed the top of Kim’s head and ran my fingers up and down her back, all the while telling myself that I was okay. Nothing bad had happened, no matter how much I’d convinced myself it would.

Nevertheless, even while I’d been caught up in her, they’d been there. Not touching me—neither of them had been that gentle—but there. Waiting in the wings to take over and turn this amazing night into something hellish.

I fucking hated that feeling. For about a year after it happened, I’d been afraid to look over my shoulder—even more afraid not to—because I was sure they’d be there. Eventually, I’d shaken that off, but tonight, it had been back. As I’d tried to lose myself in Kim, there’d been that steadily growing certainty in the back of my mind that if I’d opened my eyes, she’d be gone and I’d be back in that makeshift office inside an under-ventilated, overheated shipping container. Held down, powerless, terrified.

The memory sent a shiver through me.

Kim lifted herself up and met my eyes. “You okay?”

I nodded. “Are you?”

“Yeah, I’m good.” A slight smile played at her lips. “Better than I have been in a while.”

“Good.” I ran my fingers through her dark hair but couldn’t raise much of a smile.

She tilted her head. “You’re tense.” Her eyebrow arched. “Kind of like you were when you . . .”

I released my breath. “Just mentally debriefing, I guess.”

“Mentally debriefing?” Her brow furrowed. “How so?”

“I . . .” I chewed my lip. “To be honest, I hadn’t really thought about what it would be like to go there again. Being in bed with someone, I mean.”

“I know the feeling. But . . . it was good, right? It wasn’t—”

“Everything was perfect.” I lifted my head and kissed her lightly. “The only problems were”—I tapped my temple—“in here.”

Kim’s lips tightened. “So it doesn’t go away?”

“I don’t know if it does or not. I really don’t.” I squeezed her hand. “I wish I could say it does, but . . .”

She nodded.

“It’s totally different with you versus with them, but it’s . . .”

“You’re still vulnerable.”

“Yeah.” I brought her hand up and pressed my lips to the backs of her fingers. “Makes it hard to . . .” I laughed humorlessly. “Well, let’s just say that was the longest dry spell I’ve ever had.”

“Really?”

“Oh yeah. The first couple of years after I enlisted, I fucked any girl that moved within a hundred-mile radius of whatever base or port I was at. And in high school, I definitely got around. Guys and girls.”

Kim propped herself up on her arm. “You’re bi?”

“No. I was still figuring myself out back then.” I paused, gazing up at the ceiling. “You know what’s kind of weird?”

“Hmm?”

“I haven’t been interested in men since I was seventeen, but ever since I was assaulted in Afghanistan”—I turned to her—“I’ve thought about it.”

“What do you mean?”

“Maybe it would be different if I’d never been with a guy before. But ever since Afghanistan, it’s hard for me to remember what it was like to be with a guy and not be afraid of him. And on some really weird level, I’ve wanted to spend a night with a man again just to put that to rest.” I shook my head. “It sounds ridiculous, I know. I’m not attracted to guys, I just want to go back to thinking, This isn’t my thing, but it’s not horrible, you know?”

“I don’t think it’s ridiculous. Anything to clear out the poison.”

“Yes, exactly.”

She brushed a few strands of hair out of my face. “Well, this has helped me, too.” She laughed softly, almost playfully. “And I’ll bet money my dry spell was longer than yours.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah, it’s been . . .” Her eyes lost focus for a few seconds. “Four years, I think?”

“No kidding?”

“Ironic, isn’t it?” Her lips quirked. “Everyone thinks I’m a whore, but I’ve only been with three girls. And no guys. I mean, except—”

“No guys,” I said. “If it wasn’t consensual, it doesn’t count.”

“Thank fuck for that,” she muttered. “But yeah, all I ever had was a couple of girlfriends when I was a teenager. Didn’t really date much because I was too busy with school.”

“Really?”

Kim nodded. “I was kind of obsessive about my grades.”

I raised my eyebrows. “Were you?”

“Oh yeah. I wanted to join the Navy, and I didn’t want to wind up in some shit job. So I was stacking the deck.”

“I’m surprised you didn’t go to the Academy.”

She smiled shyly. “I wanted to be a cop.”

“Funny.” I laughed. “I always swore I’d never date a cop.”

“Well, I said I’d never date another Sailor.”

I smoothed her hair. “I don’t see why we can’t do this, though. We obviously click.”

“We should probably keep it quiet at work.”

“Definitely. Knowing the jackwagons running our command, they’d find a way to hem us up for fraternization.” I rolled my eyes. “They tried to do that with a couple of second classes last year. They made one the ‘supervisor’ over the other, then tried to get them in trouble for fraternizing because they hung out on the weekends.”

“Oh, I fucking dare Stanton to try to nail anyone for fraternization,” Kim growled.

“Seriously.”

She held my gaze. “And, uh, I swear, this wasn’t what I had in mind when I pinged you on Skype.”

“It wasn’t what I had in mind when I came here.” I caressed her face. “But it’s definitely a silver lining.”

“Yeah, it is.”

I smoothed her hair. “And just so we’re clear, I am so sorry for being a bitch when you first came to the command. I should’ve known better. God knows I know how hard it is to be yourself in this environment.”

“It’s okay.” She shrugged. “The only thing you had to go by was what I showed you.”

“Still. I shouldn’t have . . .”

“It’s done. Don’t worry about it.” She trailed her fingers up and down my arm. “The hardest part is I don’t know which makes people think less of me: when I’m the cold bitch or when I’m the party girl.” She met my eyes. “We can’t win, you know?”

“No, we can’t. And we have to do whatever it takes to protect ourselves.”

“But how the hell are we supposed to know how to protect ourselves without it backfiring?”

“I wish I knew.” Stroking her cheek, I added, “But at least we’re both safe here tonight.”

Her smile was slow to form, but it did materialize, and she moved closer to me. “This is the safest I’ve felt in a while, to be honest.”

“Me too.” I kissed her forehead. “We have to go back to that bullshit eventually, but . . .”

She raised her chin and brushed my lips with hers. “But not tonight.”

“No.” I wrapped my arms around her. “Not tonight.”