Usually a person’s problem isn’t the most important problem. The biggest problem is that they spend so much time on it that if they do get rid of it, they just start filling their time up with new crap. Instead, I like them to look into the future and have it full of wonderful feelings.
Over the years, I’ve had to do all kinds of things to convince people not to accept limitations. Constantly, I’ve had to demonstrate things. You see, it’s not by putting up a fight that you solve your problems. If you’re planning to quit smoking, the worst thing you can do is try to resist the urge. You say to yourself, ‘Don’t smoke cigarettes. Don’t want cigarettes. Don’t think about cigarettes.’ But that way, all you ever think about is cigarettes, cigarettes, cigarettes!
When you tell someone not to think about something, their brain must first picture the thing you told them not to think of and then negate it. The problem is that at this point they’re already heading in the wrong direction.
What you do instead is notice the sensations of craving. Then you turn them up and point the feeling in the right direction. I have worked with people who were literally dying from eating too much chocolate – their liver was shutting down because of all the chocolate. So I put chocolate on a chair and I had them look at the chair and realize that the chocolate had more willpower than they had. ‘Look at it,’ I said. ‘It’s smarter than you are, it’s got more tenacity than you have and it’s got control over its behaviour. It can keep its wrapper on. You can’t.’
‘Well,’ they’d answer, ‘I feel stupid.’
‘But not stupid enough.’
‘What?’
‘Take that feeling of stupidity now and start to turn it up, because the more you take the feeling of being stupid and the more you spin it around, the sooner you’ll reach a point where it’s ridiculous. Then, when you look at it, you’ll start laughing. It’s not through fighting your desires that you’re going to become smarter, it’s through taking those desires and aiming them where you really need them. Because it’s not the desire that’s bad, it’s the fact that it’s pointing to chocolate.
When you take that same feeling of desire and point it to your future, and you desire better health, and you desire more success, and you desire being nicer to the people around you, then you will make progress. Because if you vibrate all kinds of things like happiness, like joy, like excitement, then, as I’ve said, people around you will start doing it too without even knowing what happened.
This was a big realization for Joe. He had been trying so hard to stop feeling shy around people. He had also focused a lot on not being frustrated with his girlfriend. Instead he decided that he was going to focus on how confident and fun he wanted to be and on what he loved about her. It was just a switch in the other direction, but he was confident it was going to make a significant difference.
Richard continued:
Now, to me, it’s not enough that you overcome your problems. I want you to find a way to replace them with new behaviours and new thoughts that take you in a new direction. I want to see you build an incredibly wonderful future and design all kinds of good feelings in it.
And to begin with, I want a volunteer. Who wants to feel really good without a specific reason for the rest of their life?
A number of hands went up. Richard picked Caroline, the actress Joe had worked with earlier. She went onstage and sat down. Once he had found out her name, Richard said:
Caroline, so you would like to feel ridiculously good, yes?
Caroline nodded and smiled.
To do that, you have to tell me something. When you think about the future, where are the images located? When you think of next year, where do you see the images? Are they in front of you? To your left or right? Behind you?
And when you think about the past, where are the images located? Think of a year ago, for instance. Where do you see that image?
After a moment or so, Caroline pointed her right hand out in front of her and gestured behind her with her left hand. ‘The future seems to be in front out there and the past is behind me.’
OK. Now, that’s one particular way of sorting time in your mind.
If you draw an imaginary line from your past to your future, that would be called your timeline.
Having the past in front of you to the left means that it’s easier for you to access it. Having it behind you means it’s easier for you to forget it. So, for example, you want the lessons you learned in front of you and the negative feelings behind you.
Joe had never thought about how he saw the future and the past before. He began to concentrate and found out that he sorted his future in front of him, a little to the right, while his past ran sideways, to his left.
Richard continued:
The way you sort time determines how you feel about it. What I’m interested in you doing now, Caroline, is learning to build intense feelings of bliss in your future so that you can feel wonderful about your past as well.
Before we get there, is there anything in particular that has bothered you and stopped you from doing what you really want to do?
Caroline nodded. ‘Well, I’m a budding actress and I’ve started doing auditions lately. It’s just that I feel really disappointed when I don’t get the part that I apply for.’
OK, the first thing is that disappointment requires adequate planning. You have to plan ahead of time in order to feel disappointed. So, how would you like to feel instead of bad? I mean, you want to be able to feel determined, motivated and passionate when you think about an audition, right?
‘Yes. I’d like to feel optimistic about the future, and when I think about an audition, I’d love to feel confident that I have a real chance of getting the part and that I deserve to succeed.’
Good move. Wouldn’t it be fantastic if you could find a way to change how you felt about the negative experiences in the past and simultaneously develop a belief in a better future?
‘Absolutely,’ she responded enthusiastically. ‘That would be amazing. I just seem to focus on the rejections too much.’
For one thing, I believe that people take rejection too personally. I mean, when someone rejects you, it’s not because they planned specifically on being mean to you. It’s really just information about the fact that there is either something you are not doing yet or something that you are doing and should stop doing. And either way, the best response is determination and flexibility.
So, Caroline, here’s what I want you to do. I want you to just allow your breathing to slow down and to let yourself go effortlessly into a state of comfort. I want you to soften your body and let yourself feel as relaxed as you possibly can. Every breath helps you feel more and more relaxed. Let your eyes close … now.
Richard began to speak more slowly and his voice became even more resonant as he continued:
As you drift all the way into comfort and softness, I want you to begin to imagine yourself drifting up above your timeline and looking down on your past, present and future.
Now I know that as you look down at the past, you can see all those times you went for an audition and didn’t get the part. And as you look down at those experiences from this perspective, you can realize that each of those experiences was a training ground for your future success. So what I want you to do is to notice what useful information emerges from each of those experiences. Let it float out above your timeline as a radiant glow. Take that light with you and leave the rest behind, in the past, where it belongs.
Then I want you to put together the best feeling you can imagine. Think of a time when you were feeling on top of the world, when you felt happier than ever. Can you think of a time where you felt really, really good?
With her eyes closed, looking very relaxed, Caroline nodded slowly and smiled.
Make sure you’re reliving that experience, now. And as you focus on that wonderful sensation, really begin to build it up and intensify it. Imagine it moving through your body. Now I want you to imagine taking this feeling, giving it the colour that suits you best and spraying it all the way through your past so that it covers every negative memory, every bad time, soaking them in this really great feeling.
I want you to imagine looking down and seeing how your past looks so different now, and feeling so good about all those experiences, and realizing that whatever troubled you is now behind you and getting farther away by the second.
Caroline grinned hugely.
Because the truth is, Caroline, some things are worth forgetting and some things are worth remembering. Many people settle, but what I want you to do, as you feel good about your past, is to imagine looking down at your future and imagine the best kinds of feelings raining down on it, filling every future experience with the best states.
I want you to see your future looking better than ever before, brighter than ever before, more compelling than ever before.
It’s time for you to float back into your body, Caroline, so that you can feel full of excitement and anticipation for the most amazing future full of the most wonderful things – new people, new opportunities, new possibilities … a world of possibilities. Imagine going into the next audition, and the next, with determination, excitement, passion and self-belief.
And slowly you can start to come all the way back, feeling wonderfully good.
Richard paused and Caroline slowly but surely became more aware and opened her eyes, an extremely bright smile on her face.
I guess we don’t really need to ask, but … how do you feel?
Caroline took a deep breath. ‘As if I was awake for the first time in months. Everything kind of looks different. I’m going to take Hollywood by storm!’
Richard turned to the audience:
Now, if you auditioned a woman radiating this kind of energy, wouldn’t you just beg her to take part in your movie? Of course you would. That’s what I mean when I tell you that you need to get into the right state, whatever it is that you’re about to do.
Let’s give Caroline a round of applause.
Caroline bounced off the stage and back to her chair.
And now, for those of you who actually thought I was doing this just for Caroline …
Richard looked down at the audience.
Let yourself relax and let your eyes close. At this time of day, if you begin to look at things as if they’re difficult, they will be; if you begin to study what makes things impossible, you’ll find out. And if somebody comes in with a problem, they can get rid of it, but that’s not the most important thing. The most important thing is this: when you get rid of that problem, what are you going to do with all of the spare time that you’ll have?
People really need to learn to orient themselves toward a brighter future. And that begins by learning how to feel really good. So the first thing I want you to do is practise. Now, take a deep breath and just let your consciousness float comfortably with every deep breath you take … in through your nose and out through your mouth …
Now, if you’re talking to yourself inside your head, I don’t care what you’re saying, as long as you slow the voice down. And soften it.
And as you soften it, just remember to keep breathing, because I want you to learn to adjust your state. And if your consciousness goes to a place that feels tight, then go to a place in your body where you feel totally relaxed. Let the relaxation spread. The rest will take care of itself.
Now, think of something absolutely wonderful from your own life. See what you saw at that time, hear what you heard and get back some wonderful sensations. In fact, let’s see if we can take the five best experiences in your life and make them the foundation for your future. Lots of people go into their past and pick all the crappy things that happened to them and then think about what will happen in the future. Instead, I’d like you, from this relaxed state, to simply go back and find five wonderful things – things that made you feel special, times when you surprised yourself delightfully – and then connect these things together. Think of the first one, the second one, the third one, the fourth one, the fifth one, and cycle back to the beginning. And remember to step inside these good experiences. See what you saw when you were there. Let them run through your mind.
Ask yourself, ‘What does it feel like to be in a state of bliss?’ Because in order to answer that question, you have to go into a state of bliss, and the more you do it, the better you become at mastering how to feel good for no reason whatsoever, other than you’re alive and you deserve it.
And when you’ve run through those five experiences, look into the future and add a sixth one. Think about something you’re going to do when you leave this workshop, something you’re going to do differently.
Train your neurology to go through the best of who you are and the best of what you’ve done, and then think about what you’re going to do about this stuff. This is the new you, and the truth is that you can learn new things, and so can the people around you. You can meet people and instead of feeling frustrated, you can keep smiling, and when you get into this state, suddenly they’re going to go into the same state, because yoghurt knows yoghurt, and bliss knows bliss. And optimism and hope are what people need, no matter who they are, whether an employee, somebody you’re trying to sell a car to, or the people you love the most.
You want to make it so that your optimism always prevails. The only time you ever lose is when you stop. So stopping isn’t the activity you want. You want to build more tenacity.
Now the trick is not to come out of this state but to go through it so that when you come out the other side, you don’t feel the same anymore. You don’t want to go back to who you were; you want to go on to who you can be.
You begin with your thoughts, then thoughts become actions, actions become habits, and habits become part of who you truly are. So, now it’s time to turn new thoughts into new behaviour, into trying new things. You find yourself doing things you enjoy, you find yourself being kinder to people and you find yourself being more patient. And it’s time to realize that all the suffering you’ve been doing – you’ve done it beautifully. And now that you’ve mastered that, it’s time to discover the answer to the question ‘How much pleasure can you stand?’
So tonight, while you sleep and dream, I want all of those bad habits, all of those bad nightmares, all of those bad repetitive things you did – the self-criticism, the low self-esteem, the worrying about meeting people, the shyness, whether it’s emotional or physical – to stop.
For many people it’s spiritual, because in the societies in which we live, we have chopped off all kinds of important things about our own spirit. So, if you have ever been told you’d never amount to anything, if you have ever been told you were stupid, if you have ever been told anything like that, I want you to hear a mantra inside your head that says, ‘Screw that!’ Because it’s simply not true.
I’ve seen thousands and thousands of people change in thousands and thousands of ways, even when I was told it was impossible. And if you think you’re impervious to good feelings, just wait until you’re sleeping, because when all these other things come back to your mind, I want your unconscious to give you an unexplainable sense of well-being. In fact, there’s no better time to start than now, as you sit here. I know your unconscious can hear, so it doesn’t matter when you do it, as long as your unconscious responds fully and you start to allow a smile to creep across your face and down throughout your body. Because it’s time for you to slowly but surely come all the way back to full consciousness, bringing a warm glow with you, a sense of delight and a big bright smile.
Joe slowly came to and felt himself smiling all the way through his body. He felt fantastic.
Richard thanked Alan and the other assistants and went on to say:
Today you’ve been exposed to a vast number of ideas and some you’ll remember right away and some will come up and surprise you along the way. Yet there’s one thing that I expect you to know when you leave here: I expect you to know that if you are doing something and it’s not working, there’s got to be an easier way.
And if whatever you’re doing isn’t working, then you’ve got to do something else. And the first thing you’ve got to do is change your own internal state. Because if you feel frustrated, people around you will pick up on that and you’ll just get stuck.
Relax and people will relax too. Feel good and things will get better!
A standing ovation later, Richard left the stage. As he did so, Joe turned to Teresa and Emily and suggested a trip to the local coffee shop before they said their goodbyes. They agreed and invited Edgar as well.
As Joe was making his way towards the door, he heard his name called. It was Alan.
‘Well?’ he asked.
Joe nodded. ‘Yes, it was … It’s made a difference to me.’
Alan smiled. ‘You know, Joe, what we talked about earlier? I really hope you’re going to apply what you’ve learned here to your life, especially your love life. Years ago, I let an incredible woman slip through my fingers because I made a lot of mistakes. I’ve moved on from there, but still, when I see someone like you who has found a great girl, I want to make sure you make the most of it.’
Joe nodded. This came as a bit of a surprise to him, but it explained Alan’s intensity earlier.
‘Thanks so much for everything.’
‘Happy to help, Joe. I hope I get to see you again. And good luck with everything.’
Joe embraced Alan and said his goodbyes.
He soon caught up with the others, who had been joined by a few more participants from the course, including Caroline.
Minutes later, Joe found himself in a coffee shop having a great time chatting about the course. He looked at the assembled company and noticed that they all had very similar postures and were matching each other. He smiled to himself.
Turning his attention to Edgar, he asked him what he had thought of the seminar.
‘It was very good,’ Edgar replied. ‘I certainly got what I was looking for. I mean, what we learned here doesn’t really make much of a difference unless we apply it, but I’ve definitely got some new skills I’m going to use. That state-changing stuff we did where we learned to white out bad memories and spin and anchor in good feelings was amazing. It adds to all the stuff I got before.’ Edgar returned to his squeaky Yoda voice. ‘A fun and useful experience it was. Happy am I.’
‘Yes,’ Joe grinned, shaking his head. ‘Funny you are! I do know what you mean, though. It just shows what’s possible.’
‘And the meta-model questions are going to be particularly handy for me. I already use lots of them, but now I can do so even more deliberately.’
Joe thought back to the various tools and skills he had acquired during the course. He agreed with Edgar. What he liked about NLP was that it was full of practical skills, not just a lot of hype and positive thinking. He would set his mind to the task of applying it immediately.
Teresa interrupted his thoughts. ‘Joe, Emily has just opened up to me about what has been going on with her. Thank you so much for the work you did with her.’
‘Not at all, Teresa. She helped me a lot as well, you know.’
‘I’ve no doubt about that. It’s funny, isn’t it, that both of us have been letting bullies intimidate us. Well, no more. From now on my daughter and I are going to stand up for ourselves. We’ve made a pact.’
A huge smile crossed Joe’s face.
‘Joe,’ Teresa continued, ‘please send my regards and best thoughts to the love of your life. She will probably grill you on what you’ve learned.’
Joe nodded and Edgar chimed in, ‘If you want my advice, Joe, when she asks about the course, just tell her you don’t remember anything because you spent the whole seminar thinking of her!’
Teresa and Joe both laughed. ‘Thanks for the advice, Edgar. Smooth. Very smooth.’
Emily joined the chat. ‘So, Joe, what’s next?’
‘Well, next I plan to go home and spend more time getting to know my beautiful girlfriend and then to get on much better with people at my workplace. I really feel I have the …’
Joe was interrupted by Emily pretending to sleep and snore.
‘Ha, ha, ha! Very funny!’ Joe exclaimed.
Teresa and Edgar giggled.
‘You know, another thing I got from this seminar,’ Joe said, ‘was the importance of humour. I mean, it was a consistent underlying message about how to become free and happy. Problems are worth laughing at. Life is worth laughing at. Laughter makes it easier to change things. When we can laugh at ourselves, our issues and our worlds, then we can really be free.’
Everyone nodded. Joe had the feeling he had made a few more friends he would be staying in touch with.
After spending some more time chatting, Joe heard his phone ring. He looked at the caller ID, smiled and excused himself. As he walked outside, a strong feeling of excitement moved through his body. Noticing this, he immediately anchored it. Then he answered the phone. It was time to start using what he had learned.