Alicia read the last paragraph of the second page of her manuscript for what seemed like the tenth time and sighed. She’d tried and tried, but she just couldn’t concentrate on her edits the way she needed to. She was surprised she’d been able to read beyond the first page, given how nervous and stressed out she was. And it was all because she couldn’t take her mind off Levi. Levi, Levi, Levi. If only he hadn’t called her, she wouldn’t feel so out of sorts.
She grabbed the top of her head with both hands, stroked her hair back, and took a deep breath. What was wrong with her? Why couldn’t she just be happy with Phillip? Why couldn’t she just be grateful for the way God had blessed her life for so many years? She’d prayed daily for Phillip to trust her again and to ask her to remarry him, and he had. So why couldn’t marrying a man who loved her so genuinely and perfectly be enough? Especially since she’d already gone down this road before, sleeping around on Phillip with Levi, and then ultimately losing both of them. Phillip had divorced her, Levi had gone to prison, and she didn’t want to think about the national scandal she’d caused her whole family.
But the more Alicia thought about Levi’s words, she couldn’t help slipping into the past. She had so many happy memories of him, and more important, vivid recollections of what it was like to be with him. She loved Phillip, Lord knows she did, but he had never made her feel as special as Levi had in bed. She was ashamed to even have these kinds of thoughts, but it was true. In fact, not even JT, her second husband, had been able to compare to Levi, because Levi was just plain different. She’d connected with him from the very beginning, and she’d never forgotten it. Over the years, she’d worked hard to bury any feelings she might have for him, but now that she’d heard his voice, every one of those feelings had resurfaced. And she couldn’t seem to stop them.
Alicia read the same paragraph she’d been trying to edit for a while, but her thinking trailed off again. If only she could confide what she was going through to her mother or Melanie, maybe they could help her get beyond this. But she knew they would never understand. They’d think she was crazy for even bringing up Levi.
“Dear God, please.” Alicia said out loud. “Please help me. Help me to forget about this man and move on. Please, God.”
Alicia sat quietly for a few minutes, trying to settle her thoughts so she could get back to work. But when her phone rang, she looked at the screen and shook her head. It was Levi, and though she told herself to ignore him, her heart beat faster and faster, and before she knew it she’d picked it up.
“Levi, why are you doing this?”
“Because, baby, I really need to see you. Not tomorrow or next week but today.”
“What? Have you lost your mind?”
“No, I’ve never been more serious in my life.”
“Levi, you know what my situation is, so why are you trying to cause all these problems? You and I can never be. I already told you that.”
“Look, just meet me somewhere between Mitchell and Chicago. That’s all I’m asking.”
“Why? What good will that do?”
“We need closure.”
“What kind of closure?”
“The last time you and I saw each other was the night I was arrested. We never got to say a proper good-bye or anything. They took me away, and that was the end of it.”
“Well, it wasn’t like I could come see you. Not after the media broadcasted everything.”
“I understand that, and I didn’t expect you to. But just let me see you. Then, if you honestly want nothing to do with me, I’ll say good-bye, and I’ll never bother you again.”
“I can’t.”
“Sweetheart, do you know how many people go through life marrying someone they’re not in love with?”
“But I do love Phillip.”
“You love him, but you’re not in love with him. And there’s a difference.”
Alicia replayed his words in her mind. “I am in love with him.”
“You don’t sound very convincing.”
“What is it you want me to say?”
“Nothing. All I’m asking is that you meet me. Just let me see you.”
“No.”
“Okay, then let me ask you this. If you don’t wanna see me or talk to me, then why do you keep answering my calls?”
Alicia didn’t respond.
“No comment?”
“I have to go,” she said.
“You can hang up if you want, but I’m not giving up. Not until I see you face-to-face. If you really don’t love me anymore, I want you to tell me in person.”
“I’m telling you now. I don’t love you, Levi. I love Phillip, and that’s all there is to it.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“Maybe you don’t, but that’s your problem.”
Levi chuckled.
“What’s so funny?”
“You. Not in my wildest imagination did I expect you to be in such denial. Not after the way we made each other feel.”
“You’re caught up in the past, but today things are different.”
“Say whatever you want, but the fact still remains. I’m not giving up on being with the only woman I’ve ever loved. Right or wrong, I’d be a fool to do that.”
“Levi, please don’t make me hang up on you again. Let’s just agree to go on with our lives with no animosity.”
“I’m not angry. Frustrated maybe, but I’m not mad at you.”
“But you know I’m not going to change my mind, right? You know I’m not going to see you.”
“That’s fine, just as long as you know I’m not giving up. Not until you tell me in person that you don’t want me.”
“Good-bye, Levi.”
Alicia set the phone down and knew what she had to do: get dressed, pack a bag, and drive over to Mitchell to spend the rest of the day and night with Phillip. She needed to see her fiancé, the man she loved. He would be pleasantly surprised, and she could easily get back to reading her manuscript tomorrow or the next day. Yes, this was exactly what she was going to do, and she was sorry she hadn’t thought of it sooner. She was also going to block Levi’s phone number, email address, and Facebook account so he wouldn’t be able to contact her. It was the only way to prove to him that she didn’t want him, and that Phillip was the love of her life. There was a part of her that did feel sorry for Levi because she could tell he honestly believed they could pick up where they’d left off. But Alicia had to worry about herself. She had to focus on Phillip, her commitment to him, and the vows they were preparing to take again. Whether Levi could accept it or not, she had to do the right thing. And she would.