Today marked the one-month anniversary of Alicia and Phillip’s second wedding. They were finally man and wife again, and while Alicia had prayed things would get better—that she would fall hopelessly in love with Phillip and forget about Levi—she was still struggling with a mixture of feelings. Even now, as she lay in bed making love with Phillip bright and early on a Thursday morning, she couldn’t stop thinking about Levi and how much better he’d made her feel. To her, intimacy with Phillip was nothing more than repetitive sex, and she had to mentally prepare whenever he wanted her. It also took every ounce of pretending she could muster until he finished. To be fair, it wasn’t that Phillip was awful in bed, because he wasn’t. It was just that she didn’t love him the way a wife should love her husband. She also knew that prayer could and would change things, but she purposely no longer prayed about any of what she was experiencing. She’d stopped praying because, deep down, she didn’t want to love Phillip any more than she did, and God forgive her, she didn’t want to forget about Levi. She no longer wanted Levi to find another woman to fall in love with, either. She wanted him to keep loving her, and it was all she could do to not run to him as fast as she could.
It had been three months since the last time she’d seen him, and though it had been the hardest thing for her to do, she hadn’t responded to a single one of his text messages, phone calls, emails, or Facebook communications. There had been times when his loving words had affected her so much that she’d reread them over and over and cried like a child. Then, about a week before the wedding, he’d begun pleading with her to end things with Phillip before it was too late. He’d begged her not to make the mistake of a lifetime, but she hadn’t listened. She’d continued on with her plans, because it had been the right thing to do—for Phillip—and she had to live with it. She’d sort of hoped that when Phillip had learned Levi was out of jail he might question whether they should still get married, but interestingly enough, he hadn’t seemed to worry about Levi at all.
Phillip lay on his back out of breath, and Alicia could tell he was satisfied and happy out of his mind. She, on the other hand, was relieved it hadn’t taken him as long as it usually did.
“I could make love to you every day of the week,” he said, turning toward her and caressing her hair.
Alicia played along, turning and facing him on her side, acting as though she couldn’t agree more. “It was a long time coming, and I feel the same way.”
“Going without was tough, but now we finally get to make up for lost time.”
“That we do,” she said, forcing a smile.
“Next to God, you’re my everything. You’re my wife, my best friend, my heart. I couldn’t love you more if I tried.”
“I love you, too, baby.”
Phillip leaned closer, kissing her, and Alicia hoped he wasn’t planning for round two, because she wasn’t in the mood for it. Thankfully, he pulled away.
“Well, as much as I hate to get up, I really need to get dressed so I can head over to the church. Your dad asked me to deliver the message for the eight o’clock service on Sunday, and I need to finish writing my sermon. That way, we’ll be able to spend the entire weekend together.”
“Good.”
“I was thinking we could maybe drive over to Chicago tomorrow to spend the night at the Peninsula.”
“Really? Why?”
“Well, it is our one-month anniversary.”
Alicia loved the Peninsula, and while they’d flown to the Caribbean the Monday after their wedding for their honeymoon, they’d decided to stay in Chicago on their wedding night and also that Sunday. But she wasn’t in the mood for spending time there this weekend. “I was just hoping we’d be able to enjoy some time at home together. Is that okay?”
“Of course. It was just an idea, but you know I’m fine wherever we are as long as we’re together.”
“Maybe we can go next month,” she said, trying to sound excited.
“It’ll be a lot colder in October, but it’s not like we’ll be out all that much, anyway,” he said, winking at her.
“Knowing you, I’m sure we won’t.”
Phillip kissed her again and sat up on the side of the bed. “So, what do you have up for today?”
“Not a lot. I need to answer some of the email from my readers, but that’s about it. I might see what Melanie’s doing for lunch. The last three times I invited her, she took a rain check.”
“She looks like she’s lost a lot more weight. I was shocked when I saw her at church last Sunday, and Brad is at his wit’s end.”
“I don’t know what else to do, because every time I even hint around about her weight, she gets mad.”
“All we can do is keep praying for her.”
“I guess so.”
After Phillip got dressed, Alicia fixed him breakfast and he left for the church. Alicia sat in her office in front of her computer, glancing at their wedding photo. The ceremony had been absolutely beautiful and just as flawless as Alicia had envisioned. Melanie and Brad had served as their matron of honor and best man, and Alicia’s father had performed the ceremony. It had been a joyous, happy day, but it hadn’t taken more than a few hours before reality had set in for Alicia. They’d made love that evening, and she hadn’t felt any chemistry or passion.
Alicia signed into the email account her readers used to contact her and saw thirty new messages. She read the first few, smiling the whole time. She had the absolute best readers, and no matter what was going on in her life, their kind words and comments made her day. It felt good knowing that she’d written something that wasn’t just entertaining, but also helpful to her readers in one way or another. They could relate to the stories and the characters, and Alicia always prayed for that.
She responded to every single email and then signed on to Facebook. There were a good number of responses listed under the status update she’d posted yesterday about her upcoming novel, so she thanked those readers, too, and answered their questions. She also saw that she had Facebook messages and opened those. There were only four of them, but her nerves sort of got the best of her when she saw one from Levi. He hadn’t sent her anything since last week, and she couldn’t deny that she’d missed hearing from him. She hesitated before clicking on his message but finally gave in.
Hi Beautiful,
I pray all is well with you. I’d actually made up my mind last week not to contact you again, but the truth of the matter is, I miss you too much to give up. Even with you going through with the wedding and not responding to any of my messages, I still know in my heart that I’m the man you want to be with. I’m the man you love…the man you will love until death. At first I didn’t understand how you could deny yourself from being happy, but to some degree, I do get why you thought you had no choice but to honor your commitment to your husband. You’ve always talked about how much you owe him, and I finally had to realize that if the tables were turned, I would maybe feel the same way. Still, none of this changes the love you and I have for each other. What you and I have is one of a kind, and no matter how many months, days, and weeks have passed, I can’t move on without you. I’ve tried…unwillingly and involuntarily…but I’ve still tried…and it’s not working. A part of me knows that continuing to pursue a married woman is wrong, but how does a man walk away from a woman he connected with so perfectly and contently? How does anyone go on without his or her soul mate? For a long time, I didn’t want to believe that so many people got married for reasons other than being in love, but now I know it actually happens. And the reasons are infinite. Convenience, children, financial status, comfort, familiarity, general companionship, and the list goes on. But how awful it must be for any human being to wake every morning and go to bed each night with someone they don’t love. Or maybe if they do love and care about them, they don’t share any passion for their spouse. They don’t know what it’s like to not want to live without that person. Anyway, I guess I’m sort of going on and on, but I also wanted you to know exactly how I’m feeling right now. Yes, you’re married, and yes, I’m wrong for still trying to convince you to leave your husband, but it’s like I’ve told you before. We all only have one soul mate, and sweetheart, you’re mine. I’m also yours, and nothing will ever change that. So what I’m hoping is that one day soon, you’ll realize that the only way you will ever be free, the only way you’ll ever genuinely be happy, is by telling your husband the truth.
I’ll let you go now, sweetheart, but know that I am here and that I will always love you.
Levi
Alicia was devastated and warmly touched all at the same time. Tears flooded her face nonstop. She was speechless, yet in awe of every word Levi had written. Why hadn’t she simply had the courage to be honest with Phillip? Why had she given up on a lifetime of happiness just to be miserable? How could she go on living a lie? The biggest lie of the century.