Three Months Later
Day in and day out, Alicia struggled to get out of bed. No matter how many times she went to sleep and woke up, her reality never changed. Phillip was gone, and he was never coming back. The two of them had fought over the gun, but when Phillip had finally gained control of it, he’d accidentally shot himself. Alicia remembered screaming at the top of her lungs, holding him and begging God to save him. But after being transported by helicopter to the nearest Chicago trauma center, he’d died in less than an hour. His mother had lost her only child, and Alicia couldn’t correct Phillip’s fate. She hadn’t physically pulled the trigger, but as far as she was concerned, she’d killed her husband. Her father had warned her that someone would get hurt, which was the reason she’d finally made up her mind to divorce Phillip. But she’d waited too long, and her plan had failed miserably.
What bothered her more was the fact that she never should have remarried Phillip in the first place. Especially since she’d known all along that her heart and soul belonged to Levi. She’d wanted to believe she was doing the right thing, but now she knew that for the last three months she’d done everything wrong—and that a once kind, loving, innocent man was dead. Phillip had been her husband, one of her father’s favorite people, and a minister the entire congregation adored. He’d been everything he knew how to be for her and so many others, but Alicia’s mistakes had cost him his life. She’d pushed him too far this time, and he’d become someone she hadn’t recognized. It was still hard to fathom the way he’d spoken to her that night, the way he’d pulled a gun on her, the way he’d decided without a doubt that the only way to fix things was to kill her and Levi. It had been as if he’d forgotten about his love and honor for God and that he’d given up on life altogether. For days, Alicia had wondered if he’d been planning to kill all three of them. Her, Levi, and himself. She couldn’t be sure, but the deranged, unhinged look in his eyes had made her believe it. His demeanor had been violent, and the idea of taking someone’s life hadn’t seemed to bother him. Months before, her father had insisted that even the kindest of people could only take so much, and Alicia was sorry she hadn’t listened.
But this was all because she’d hurt him in the very way she’d tried so hard not to. Her actions had been selfish, to say the least, and hardly anyone sympathized with her. Not family, friends, or church members. Her parents and stepparents tolerated her and told her they still loved her, but sadly, not even her brother Matthew picked up the phone to call her. When she called him, he always answered, but their conversation was awkward and short-lived. Actually, the only person who treated her the same was Levi. For the first month after Phillip’s death, she’d refused to see him because her guilt wouldn’t let her. But the more she’d talked to him on the phone, the more she’d realized how much she needed his love and compassion. This was also the reason she’d moved out of her and Phillip’s house in Mitchell and rented an apartment about twenty minutes away. She’d considered moving back to Covington Park, but since Levi was spending a lot more time in Mitchell preparing for the grand opening of his restaurant, she’d decided to stay.
At the moment, however, she was sitting in the reception area of an inpatient facility for eating disorders in Wisconsin. Melanie had agreed to admit herself three weeks ago, but only after she’d fainted again and ended up back in the hospital. In the past, her heart had beat too fast, but last month it had slowed way too much, and her heart muscle was damaged. It was then that Alicia and Melanie’s dad had begged her to get professional help, and this time she hadn’t argued.
A young female staff member escorted Alicia back to a small visiting room, where Melanie sat on a sofa. She and Alicia both smiled when they saw each other and hugged like they hadn’t connected in years.
“I’ll leave you ladies to your visit,” the young woman said, closing the door behind her.
Alicia and Melanie held each other tightly, not wanting to let go. Finally, they sat down.
“I’m so embarrassed,” Melanie said, pulling two tissues from the box on the basic wooden table and passing one of them to her best friend.
Alicia sniffled. “Why is that?”
“I treated you so badly. I said some really awful things to you, and all you were trying to do was help me.”
“You were sick, Mel. I knew something was wrong, but I didn’t realize things had gotten so out of control.”
“Neither did I. I’ve been ill for a very long time, and what scares me is that I could have died, yet I couldn’t see what I was doing to myself.”
“But now you’re getting the help you need, and you’re going to be fine.”
“I still have a long way to go, but I’ve learned so much about myself over these last three weeks. When I first got here, I thought I was too sane for a place like this. Can you believe I had the nerve to look down on people who purge? To me, bulimia was much worse than what I was doing. But now, I know I was in just as much trouble as everyone else here. I was starving myself to death. Literally.”
Alicia kicked off her leather ballerina shoes and drew one of her knees onto the sofa. “I think I was sort of in denial, too. I knew you weren’t eating enough, but I didn’t want to believe things were so bad.”
“Well, they were, and I’m sorry for purposely trying to hurt you.”
“That’s all in the past. Although, it wasn’t like you said anything wrong.”
“How do you mean?”
“I never should have slept around on Phillip. The first time or the second. He’s dead, and everyone hates me for it.”
“When it first happened, I was upset with you, too. But when I collapsed this last time and you came to the hospital, I knew I needed you. I knew that you and my dad are all I have.”
“You still haven’t heard from your mom?”
“No, and I don’t want to. My therapist wants me to talk to her and find a way to forgive her, but I’m just not ready for that. Same thing with Brad.”
“Are you still filing for divorce?”
“I am. It’s the one thing I’m absolutely sure of. About a month after Brad’s accident, I met him for dinner a couple of times, but the pain was just too great. Even when he would call me on the phone—which he did daily—all I could think about was the affair and the baby he had behind my back. I could never trust him again, and I just don’t have the strength to stay married to someone like that.”
“I’m really sorry, Mel.”
“Don’t get me wrong. I love Brad and I love my mother, but I have to move on. Even my dad is planning to do the same thing. He just can’t take my mother’s cruelty anymore. But what about you? What’s going on with Levi?”
“I love him, Mel. I love him with all my heart. But I feel guilty…you know, because of Phillip.”
“Look, I loved Phillip like a brother, and I certainly wasn’t happy about your affair with Levi. I’m just being honest. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned, life is shorter than most of us realize. We have to do everything we can to be happy.”
“My mom and dad are so disappointed in me.”
“Maybe, but they’ll eventually get over it. And even if they don’t, are you gonna stop being with someone you love? Someone you were willing to risk everything for?”
“I don’t want to, but…”
“Then don’t,” Melanie said.
“I’ve prayed and asked God to forgive me, and I know He has. But it’s just so hard knowing that everyone blames me for Phillip’s death.”
“I can imagine, but it’ll all work out. You and I just have to be here for each other.”
Tears rolled down Alicia’s face, and Melanie leaned over and hugged her. Melanie was the one in treatment, but she seemed stronger than Alicia. Actually, it had always sort of been that way, and Alicia was grateful for her best friend. They were sisters for life, and nothing would ever change that. They would help each other through their pain, and that gave Alicia a great sense of peace. But more important, it would be God’s love, mercy, and grace that would sustain them. Her father had taught her this many years ago, and she knew he was right. Alicia had sinned and fallen short of the glory of God, but from today on, she would follow His Word much more diligently. She still had a lot to learn and lots of changes to make, but she sincerely wanted to be a better person. And it was for these reasons that she knew she would be fine. She knew God would take excellent care of her.