Getting to pick up Veronica from school was like a gift Cass was giving her. She got to stand at the school gates and make idle chit-chat with the mums and dads, and for ten minutes pretend that this was her life, the one she’d dreamed for herself.
Cass kept acting like it was a huge favour she was doing, but she must have known how eager Lauren was. Or maybe she sensed that edge of fright Lauren felt sometimes, looking at her daughter. She wondered if Cass looked for signs of Darren too.
Vee was always thrilled to see her, which surprised her every time. That huge sparkling grin that engulfed her face as she ran full pelt at Lauren. She didn’t know how her heart could expand any more than when that kid ran towards her, pushing out the poison.
‘Auntie Loll!’
She caught Vee and swung her round. ‘Hey there, Fluffy!’
Vee frowned, ‘That’s a rubbish nickname.’
‘Not for a wolf,’ Lauren laughed, taking her hand. ‘It’s an excellent name for a wolf.’
‘Nooo,’ Vee seemed to be holding back from rolling her eyes, and the look was so Cass that Lauren took a sharp breath. ‘A good wolf name is fierce. Like Fang or Jumper or Growly.’
‘You wanna be called Growly?’
Vee laughed and shook her head. ‘No, not really.’
‘I guess we’ll have to work on our wolf-names, huh?’ Lauren said as Veronica swung their joined hands back and forth with enthusiasm. ‘So do you want to go to the park on the way home?’
Vee wrinkled her nose, shook her head. ‘Can we go see Sandy, please?’
‘Um … what if she’s busy working?’
The young girl looked at her in amusement. ‘Auntie Loll, she knows we’re coming. That’s her job.’
‘Ahh right, psychic.’
They started walking towards the pier. Something about going to see the old woman made her feel uncomfortable. And it wasn’t that she thought there was anything to her ‘gifts’. The only thing Sandy needed to seem more like a fraud was to put a tea towel on her head and talk about communing with the ghost of Princess Di.
‘Why do you like going to see Sandy? You want to know the future? Want to hear that you’ll be rich and famous?’ Lauren asked, hoping the old con was busy.
‘No, that’s boring. I just like Sandy. She’s funny and grouchy. And she pretends she doesn’t like seeing us when she does.’ Veronica raised an eyebrow like she was a super detective.
‘How do you know?’
‘Because she’s lonely and a cranky-pants, and she always has my favourite biscuits in her cupboard. She doesn’t even eat biscuits!’
Holy crap, this kid saw everything.
Lauren didn’t say anything, but Vee grinned at her. ‘I’m very smart. That’s what Mr T says.’
‘So you like Mr Thompson?’
Vee nodded. ‘He’s nice and he’s never mean if you forget things and last week he showed us how to make these space boxes for our spellings so we shoot for the stars.’
Lauren tried not to cringe at how cheesy that was. She could imagine Cass responding to that, calling Paul a nerd and poking fun at how earnest he was. Lauren had been enjoying her back-and-forth emails with Paul, though she was always on edge about how far a man would go to make sure Cass was happy. It stuck in her side like a little thorn, irritating and uncomfortable. He seemed to care about Veronica’s happiness above everything else though, which was what mattered most, as far as Lauren was concerned.
They arrived at the beach and the little hut on the pier that acted as Sandy’s ‘office’. The old woman was outside, her madly dyed orange hair standing out against the grey of the sky. Sandy seemed to think that wearing at least five shawls better indicated that she had a connection with the divine. Her large jewelled rings and shell necklace set the tone better than those huge round glasses she wore, attached to a string around her neck but almost always placed atop her head.
Lauren didn’t trust her. Her movements were birdlike and jumpy, and she always had this little frown on her face, her lips puckered in distaste when Lauren arrived. The pucker made her upper-lip hair more visible. She was standing outside smoking a fag dramatically, hand on hip, staring out at the sea as though engaged in a battle of wills. Sandy did everything dramatically.
The faded paint on the side of the hut declared Psychic in gold letters, and the face of the woman with bright eyes and a shining crystal ball didn’t look like Sandy at all. Lauren hoped they could make this quick.
‘Little miss!’ Sandy grinned at Vee, choking back a cough. ‘I knew you’d be to see me today.’
‘See?’ Vee shook Lauren’s hand, before running over to the older lady and giving her a hug. ‘Anything exciting today?’
‘Oh, the alignment of the stars, my luvvy, it’s always mystical and exciting. A man who will find his true love, a family torn apart by an ancient secret …’ Sandy’s stony gaze turned to Lauren. ‘And three girls on an adventure that will change them all.’
Lauren resisted rolling her eyes and adopted a neutral expression. ‘Interesting. We don’t want to interrupt you from your work …’
Please, please let her say she’s busy …
Sandy waved the concern away with a weathered hand. ‘Come in, I’ll put the kettle on.’
Vee bounced into the little hut and sat on the cushion on the floor. The front of the hut was all draped materials and Moroccan lamps, casting interesting shadows on the wall. The smell of incense was heady and made Lauren feel a little sick. It was hard to think in this tiny space where the old woman’s strange hair and owl features were even more prominent. Perhaps that was the point. Confuse the customer, put them on edge so they believed whatever garbled rubbish you told them.
‘Milk or sugar?’
She called back from behind the curtain, and Lauren looked at Vee, unsure if she was included in this invitation.
‘Milk, please,’ she replied, hesitant.
Sandy returned with a tray, two chipped mugs of Earl Grey and a wine glass full of milk for Vee, with a pack of chocolate bourbons. Vee gave her a look, as if to say, ‘Told you.’
‘So, how are the travel plans going?’ Sandy asked, settling herself carefully into her chair.
I thought you’d know, Lauren longed to say, but she held her tongue.
‘Good, we’re almost ready, aren’t we?’ Lauren tried to include Vee in the conversation, ‘Just waiting on a response from the school about taking Vee out for a few weeks.’
Vee wrinkled her nose. ‘There’s going to be lessons. And homework.’
Sandy considered this. ‘Yes, but you’ll have loads of fun around it, won’t you?’
Vee nodded, playing with a small buddha statue on the side. Sandy’s eyes narrowed as she looked at Lauren.
‘Veronica, pet, I think I feel a vision coming on. It’s telling me I need a shell from the beach. One that’s uncracked.’ She held her palm against her forehead in a way that Lauren personally thought was a bit over the top.
Vee jumped up, eager to respond to the hands of the unknown.
‘Can I?’ she asked Lauren, who nodded helplessly.
‘Don’t go too far down to the sea. And stay in sight.’
Sandy nodded. ‘We’ll move our tea outside so we can see you.’
‘As the spirits command,’ Lauren bit out, picking up her teacup and shuffling outside into the cold. The wind was bitter and powerful. The sea raged grey and frothing, pounding against the shore.
They waited until Vee was bent over stones, inspecting them with care, placing them back down delicately instead of throwing them. She wasn’t like other kids.
‘I think it’s a bad idea, this trip,’ Sandy said, her eyes not leaving Veronica.
Lauren turned to her. ‘Have the spirits told you that?’
The older woman glowered at her. ‘My gut tells me that. Cassidy isn’t going to survive a trip like that. Is that what you want for the little one? Her mother dying on her holiday?’
Lauren sighed. ‘I don’t know why you think I have any say in this. It’s Cass. She gets what she wants.’
‘She needs someone to stand up to her.’
‘That’s never really been my strong suit.’ Lauren couldn’t help but feel she was getting the raw deal. Sandy was upset with Cass, but was taking it out on her. As if she was the parent in all this.
‘I love those girls like they were my own, and I’m telling you, this is a bad idea.’ At least she spoke normally when she was insistent. Nothing to be blamed on the divine.
‘You shouldn’t be telling me, tell Cass.’
‘I have.’
‘And I imagine that went well.’
The old woman coughed, lighting up another cigarette. The scent made Lauren wrinkle her nose.
The tea, at least, was warm and offered a distraction from the weather and the company.
‘Why don’t you like me?’ Lauren asked suddenly, feeling bold.
‘I don’t trust people who don’t forgive,’ Sandy said. ‘You have all this angry, bitter energy coming off you in waves. It’s not good for Cassidy, and it’s certainly not good for Veronica at a time like this.’
Oh well, I’m sorry my energy isn’t compatible. Lauren bit her tongue, quite literally, clamping her teeth down and setting her jaw. As the old woman stared her down, she felt incredibly vulnerable, naked. ‘You don’t know what we’ve been through.’ You don’t know what she did. You want me to be the bad guy.
‘A best friend who hasn’t been around for six years, and a five-year-old daughter? I don’t have to be psychic to see what’s happened there.’
‘And yet I’m the bad guy?’ Lauren felt like a huffy teenager.
Sandy narrowed her eyes. ‘We’re all the bad guys. It’s people like you though, the ones who ball up their anger and don’t let go of it because they’re too nice to face up to it – you’re the dangerous ones.’
‘Dangerous?’ Lauren tried not to gasp. ‘I could never be dangerous.’
Sandy raised an eyebrow and nodded. ‘Oh yes, you’re all sweet and quiet, trampled all over by everyone, by Cassidy. You don’t think that energy goes somewhere?’
‘How is that my fault?
‘You need to be responsible for your life and choices. This frustration that’s rolling off you, it’s poison’ – Sandy leaned in, her pinched features catching the light – ‘and I’ll tell you this for nothing, sunshine, people love those Jones girls. They’re part of this community and they’ve had a hard few years. If you’re not going to help, you’re better off leaving.’
Lauren felt like she was drowning. ‘Sandy, I’m here because she called, because she wanted me here.’
The old woman smiled, shaking her head. ‘That’s not why you’re here. You’re here because you’re unhappy.’
‘Both things can be true.’
She shook her head again. ‘You’ve got to sort yourself out, sort out all that anger and jealousy and … disappointment. They don’t need that from you.’
Jealousy. To have an outsider minimise her relationship with Cass down to the basest, most shameful emotion, it was excruciating. And even then, she bit her tongue. Stayed quiet, stayed meek.
As always, Cass was the one who had people jumping across themselves to save and defend her. She was so beautiful, so fragile. So in need. And now, instead of being the ugly stepsister, or plump mousy sidekick, Lauren was cast as the villain. What would Cass say in this moment?
‘Well, maybe I could pay you fifty quid, Sandy, and you could clear my chakras, or my auras or something? Would that be best for Cass and Veronica?’
Sandy exhaled, something that sounded like a chuckle. ‘There’s that anger. You know, I’ve been here from the beginning. I’ve seen that girl pregnant and scared and lonely. I’ve seen her as a new mother, pretending she was fine, begrudgingly accepting help. And I’ve seen her turn away people who loved her, who could have made her life easier, because she didn’t think she deserved to be happy.’
Maybe she doesn’t, was the first thought that crept in Lauren’s consciousness and Sandy looked at her in triumph, as if she could read her mind. Lauren shook the horrible thought away, determined to be a good person. To be the loving, kind, hopeful person she was before.
‘When she was in hospital with that baby, it was me who took her letters to the postbox. Letters to you, begging forgiveness, wanting you by her side. Those first few months, every time I stopped by, there was another letter on the table. She must have written hundreds over the years.’
‘I never got them! She knows that!’
Sandy looked unimpressed, as if she was telling her the dog ate her homework.
‘No, really! My husband … he … he lied. Over and over again. I wouldn’t have even thought he was paying enough attention to lie like that. If I’d have had just one letter I would have been here.’ She knew it was true as she said it. No matter what had happened, if Cassidy Jones called, you came running. However much you might want to resist.
No wonder Darren had lied. He’d known how easily she would have been won back. How much she’d missed Cass.
Rat bastard.
Sandy wasn’t bothered by Lauren’s story though, and carried on as if she hadn’t spoken. There was no making amends, no proving her worth. She’d been cast as the bad one. Not just disappointing or boring, or less pretty. Not just less to Cassidy’s more, but another person actually thought she was a bad human being.
‘She had a young fella for a while,’ Sandy continued, stony-faced. ‘He would have married her, I think. Loved Veronica as much as anyone could. But that girl, she pushes away anyone who could love her.’
‘She always has.’
Sandy shook her head. ‘No, it’s about forgiveness. She betrayed you. And she’s spent the rest of her life atoning, sabotaging any chance she had at happiness. You could set her free, but you’re too busy feeling sorry for yourself.’
They looked up as Vee came back through the door, halting the not-quite-argument. The child could sense something was off.
‘Did you have your vision?’ she asked. ‘What did it tell you?’
‘Nothing splits three ways, luvvy,’ Sandy whispered dramatically, hand at her heart. ‘There’s a reason the animals march in two by two, that we live in couples. Just because someone tries to make a three, that bond between two can never be broken.’
Sandy gave Lauren a dirty look, as if to warn her off trying anything.
Veronica looked between them, frowning. ‘Here’s your shell, Sandy. I think we should go now, Auntie Loll.’
She hugged the older lady carefully, as if she might break, and snuck one of the biscuits from the plate into her pocket seamlessly.
Lauren got up, and put on a friendly face, like a well-behaved child. ‘Thank you for the tea. Will we see you later at the pub quiz?’
Sandy’s craggy face was like a cliff edge. ‘Only the spirits can tell us.’
Lauren was agitated as they walked back, and along with struggling against the wind, Veronica struggled to keep up with her. It wasn’t until they got away from the seafront that they could catch their breath.
‘Why don’t you like Sandy?’
‘Why would you say that?’
Vee rolled her eyes and gave a disbelieving look that was so like her mother’s that Lauren had to blink.
‘Okay, well … because she doesn’t like me.’
The child’s face creased in confusion. ‘Why doesn’t she like you?’
‘She thinks I might hurt you or your mum, I suppose.’ You were meant to be honest with kids, right? And this one was certainly smart enough to tell if she was lying.
Vee tugged at her hand. ‘You would never do that. You love Cassy.’
Lauren hesitated, but didn’t deny it. ‘Sandy’s just confused. Sometimes adults don’t have all the answers.’
Vee shook her head, her little mouth set in a pout. ‘That is extra bad for a psychic though. She might not make enough money and have to close her shop.’
‘I’m sure that won’t—’
‘And THEN I won’t have any biscuits!’
Lauren laughed. ‘Glad you’re focusing on the important things there, kid.’
The afternoon was taken up with dinner and homework, where Cass came in and ruffled her daughter’s hair, pulling her into her arms with such an intense relief that Lauren had to look away.
They had found an evening routine – Cass would come back and take over homework duty whilst Lauren cooked dinner. They would sit together and eat, talking about their days. Mainly, they listened to Vee talk about whatever was going on at school, or what Mr T did, or some pictures she’d drawn of the North Pole. Then they watched a few episodes of something on TV, read a story and bed. Sometimes Lauren left before the story, went to her hotel room, but sometimes she was requested to be present for those interactive tales of angels and fairies and demons with big fangs but kind hearts. Cass told a story without hiding the fact that she made it up as she went along, that nothing quite made sense until suddenly it did. But that was part of the fun. As always, Cass’s stories were chaotic and rambling, but so incredibly alive.
They were waiting to be given permission on their adventure, and Lauren could tell Cass was getting frustrated. She had made a decision, she wanted to go. Lauren, on the other hand, was grateful for the normality of it all, the quiet domesticity.
That night was pub-quiz night, so Nadia from next door, a gothy teenager who was all scowls and badly dyed hair (until she saw Veronica, whom she loved), was babysitting.
‘You know the old me would give Nadia a fiver less and threaten to expose the fact that they have now watched the same Disney movie sixteen times, and she knows all the words to the songs.’
‘The old you would have charmed her into working for free,’ Lauren snorted as they ambled over to the pub.
‘She offered. I didn’t feel like using the dying card was particularly fair. Hey, maybe I am growing up!’ The unease that settled around Lauren’s shoulders whenever Cass used the d-word was starting to become less heavy. But that didn’t stop her desperate desire to change the subject as soon as possible.
‘I had a telling-off from Sandy today,’ she said, keeping her pace slow and her voice light. ‘Apparently I’m putting you in danger with my negative vibes.’
Cass shrugged and flicked her hands as if shooing the problem away. ‘Don’t mind her. She’s lovely, just protective.’
‘Yes, because in her mind I’m the bad guy and you’re the angel.’
Cass’s eyes narrowed, but her smile was stuck on, resolute. ‘You expected me to tell these people about my business, our business? I was meant to turn up to a new town, pregnant and alone, and when they were kind to me I should have told them things that would make them think I was awful?’
‘She seemed to know everything.’
Cass raised an eyebrow. ‘Yeah, well … that’s Sandy.’
‘What, it’s her psychic powers?’
‘She’s just … painfully aware. Like she has antennae or something. She was a nurse, back in the day. She was in the ward, advising or visiting or something, just after I gave birth,’ Cass took a deep breath, screwing her eyes shut briefly. ‘She noticed I was scared to look at Vee. I would hold her but I wouldn’t look at her. In case … in case …’
‘In case you saw him.’
‘I got over it eventually,’ Cass shrugged, waving it away. ‘The fear of seeing the most beautiful thing you’ve ever made as a reminder of the worst thing you’ve ever done – it was pretty fucking scary. Plus, I was high as a kite. Things are easier when you stop thinking so much.’
Why did it always feel to Lauren like she needed to apologise? Even now, when she was so sure she had the moral high ground, that she hadn’t done anything wrong, she wanted to apologise. And that made her angry all over again. Mousy little Lauren, falling back into old habits like putting on old clothes.
It was always easy back then to just keep quiet and get along, keeping Cass by her side rather than standing her ground and risk losing her over something stupid. That was the same thing she applied to everyone in her life, even though Cass was probably the only one who would have withstood her anger, welcomed it even.
But she’d still lost her.
‘You know I’m sorry, you must know that? I spent so long trying … but there’s no apology big enough, nothing I could give that would—’ Cass spoke quickly, knowing she would cut her off. Neither of them knew how to apologise in any way but the one they had – gifts and silence.
‘Let’s forget it,’ Lauren said sharply, walking more quickly. Cass exhaled, but nodded, saying nothing. ‘But if the old bag appears at the pub quiz maybe you could tell her you’ve had a chat with the spirits and they think I’m cool?’
Cass’s face erupted into a childlike delight, and Lauren couldn’t help but feel proud. ‘Babe, I don’t think ghosts hang around to judge who’s cool, but I’ll try my best to get her on side. And if not, when I’m done with this mortal coil and all that, I’ll come back and judge you from the other side.’
‘You’d whisper in my ear when you hated my outfits?’ Lauren fought through the awkwardness, desperate to keep joking, keep smiling.
‘I would throw them out the window’ – Cass paused, looking down at Lauren’s ensemble – ‘especially that coat, Loll. Jesus. Do you own anything that has an actual colour?’
Drab and dull as always, the sidekick to the beautiful burning ball of energy. Cass was the supernova and Lauren was the satellite – practical but ultimately without any secrets or mystery.
‘Maybe we should add it to the book – a new wardrobe for a new me?’
Cass suddenly looked pained, her voice tinged with regret. ‘Don’t be a new you, Loll, the old one was perfect. Just perfect.’
No, she wasn’t, Lauren thought, noticing the softness of Cass’s palm as she reached out and squeezed her hand. She was just weak, and a pushover, which is exactly what you liked about her. It was hard to mind though, when she thought about how good they’d been together, how well they had balanced each other out. Wild and timid, soft and loud, loving and vicious. They got to be two people, and by loving the other they just about made a whole. It was this thought that remained tender, and they held hands all the way up to the pub door.