Lauren had been so overwhelmed with how wonderful Vee was that she’d almost forgotten she was still a kid. And kids tended to get grouchy, bored, tired and hungry on a three-and-a-half-hour flight. Even with the promise of Santa at the other end. When they arrived in Finland, Lauren started to realise it wasn’t so much that Vee was a regular child – it was that she was just like her mother.
Cass looked so tired she was swaying on her feet as they waited for the luggage to swing around the carousel, shivering just a little. Lauren steadied herself, determined to grab the luggage as it arrived, their huge bags ready to cover their adventure all the way from hunting the Northern Lights to swimming the Great Barrier Reef. Lauren was exhausted already. It was becoming clear that her role on this holiday was not only as organiser, but carer.
Luckily, organising came naturally to her – which was why they had a shuttle waiting for them outside the airport to speed them straight to their resort. If she had to deal with two grouchy sleep-deprived Jones girls, she was going to do it in comfort.
Vee was even too tired to ooh and ah at the scenery as she leaned her head on the window and looked out, glassy-eyed. Cass put an arm around her, her head resting back against the chair.
Lauren, however, didn’t want to miss her chance. She opened the window a crack so that she could breathe in that cold, sharp air and see the last vestige of daylight falling across the horizon. The trees were sprinkled with snow and even though her travel companions were not capable of being excited yet, Lauren couldn’t help but smile.
A month ago she had been sitting alone at home wondering where her life had gone, and now, her life was here. There was a childish glee that surfaced at the snow and the road signs and the jangling music on the radio of the taxi. As long as she didn’t look at Cass’s pale face and think about how vulnerable she looked when she was sleeping, everything was fine.
The resort was a snowy paradise, wintry lodges and little huts selling hot chocolate, sweet treats and warm clothing, perfectly designed like little square boxes in the setting of a snowglobe. They were greeted by a cheery young woman at the front desk who immediately took their bags and led them through to their home for the week.
Lauren shook Vee’s hand a little. ‘Hey, are you excited to see where we’re going to sleep?’
‘Sleep,’ Vee nodded, leaning against her arm, trudging in her snow boots as they followed their guide. Cass snorted in agreement.
‘Well, are you excited about the reindeer, or the huskies, or Santa? Tomorrow we can go and play in the snow and I’ll teach you to ski if you want?’
Veronica looked up at her, eyes almost rolling back. ‘Auntie Loll, I’m very tired now but I will be excited tomorrow.’
‘I’m assuming that wasn’t sarcasm.’ Lauren looked across at Cass, who shook her head.
‘Unfortunately, it’s just plain honesty.’
Lauren huffed, ‘Well, I’m excited.’
It was an understatement. She was giddy, bouncing on her heels as they approached their door.
‘What’s this? I thought we were staying in a lodge and visiting an igloo?’
‘And I thought staying in a glass igloo would be a bit more special,’ Lauren grinned. ‘Surprise!’
The Jones girls looked at each other, and suddenly Lauren was on the outside again, trying to impress everyone, trying to be beautiful and interesting enough to compete with them. They walked into the room and looked around.
‘This is so cool!’ Vee said, showing some of the enthusiasm Lauren craved. ‘I can see the sky!’
Their guide wished them a pleasant evening and closed the door behind them.
‘This is a bit insane, Loll. How much did it cost?’ Cass looked around them in concern, ignoring the beautiful haze of stars visible through the curved glass ceiling at the front of the lodge. Instead, she focused on the lodge behind, the second double bed in the centre of the room, the bunk beds that Vee was already climbing up. She walked through the kitchen area to the bathroom, and called out, ‘Jesus, Loll, there’s a sauna in here!’
‘It’s Finland,’ Lauren shrugged, ‘but don’t you think it’s amazing? I thought that’s what Darren’s money was for, to make this unforgettable?’
‘I love it!’ Vee said from the top bunk, reaching out to touch the wooden ceiling with her fingertips.
‘But that money is also going to be for Vee … after,’ Cass said, gesturing around them. ‘Did we really need all this? We could fit six people in here!’
‘Well, maybe you should have set some boundaries when I asked you about budgets weeks ago!’ Lauren argued. ‘Remember, when I said, “What about the money?” and you said, “Whatever, babe, you know best.” I guess I should have known that was just you wanting to get out of a boring conversation.’
Before Cass could retort, Vee yelled, ‘Stop fighting! I don’t want you to fight. Santa will be mad and I have important wishes for him so don’t make him angry!’
The little girl’s head was hovering over the entrance to the top bunk, her cheeks red and her scowl clearly visible.
‘All right, munchkin, I’m sorry, we’re both sorry, aren’t we, Loll?’ Cass nodded towards her daughter, and Lauren held up her hands.
‘I’m very sorry. We’re all tired, aren’t we? Shall we go to bed and tomorrow I’ll see if they can move us to a smaller lodge?’
Cass shook her head, pushing those blonde wisps behind her ears. ‘Don’t do that. I’m sorry, I just had a moment. There’s a reason we’ve lived on a shoestring these last few years. This trip is meant to be about brilliant experiences. I shouldn’t have gotten my knickers in a twist.’
Vee giggled at the mention of underwear, crawling down the bunk-bed ladder. Lauren rushed over to hover behind her as she moved, feet grasping for the next step down. When Vee reached the bottom, she jumped down to the ground with a flourish. ‘Ta da!’
‘And that is why we never had a bunk bed,’ Cass smirked, before pointing to the bathroom and handing over a washbag from her case. ‘Here. Teeth, face, pjs. Spit spot.’
Vee followed instructions, skipping off to the bathroom.
Even that small smirk felt like a dig. You’d know if you had children, Loll. You’d know what to pick and how to think. You wouldn’t waste money if you’d had to live like we’ve lived.
That night she lay in the bed in the igloo section, Cass insisting she’d sleep better in the darkness of the lodge, Vee safe on the lower bunk bed to her left. Lauren stared at that perfect green sky, pulsating with streams of colour and light, and wondered why even when she tried her hardest, it was never quite enough. A great start.
‘Wake up, sleepyhead!’
A sing-song voice, along with a gentle bouncing on the bed welcomed Lauren back to the land of the living.
‘Breakfast!’ Cass grinned, flopping onto the bed and throwing a squashed cereal bar at her head. ‘Or at least, the closest we’ll get until we leave to scavenge for supplies.’
‘Is today husky day? When do we see Santa? Can we play in the snow? What about the rolly-bolly-lally?’
‘Aurora borealis,’ Cass corrected gently, placing a hand on her head. ‘Chill with the questions, let your aunt have a coffee first.’
‘Coffee? Where?’ Lauren croaked, pulling herself up into a seated position. She felt suddenly on display, the light filtering through the glass igloo’s ceiling, Cass and Vee sat on the end of the double bed. Cass reached behind her for a mug and passed it over.
‘After a shower and a good sleep, I am officially eighty-five per cent less B-I-T-C-H today.’
Vee’s eyes narrowed as she thought about the spelling, and Lauren stepped in to distract her, ‘Today is about the huskies! Aroooo!’
‘Arooooo!’ Vee joined in, throwing her head so far back as she knelt up on the bed that she fell backwards giggling.
‘That was a very enthusiastic howl,’ Lauren grinned. ‘Good job. So we need to get wrapped up very, very warm.’
‘And we need to go find ourselves a decent breakfast.’
Something in Lauren’s chest ached a little as she saw Vee all wrapped up in her snow gear. She imagined what she’d been like as a little baby, a toddler swaddled in puffy snowsuits and knitted hats. Her little red cheeks and bright eyes, how adorable she would have been. That shard in her chest was either jealousy or resentment, and Lauren didn’t like the feeling of either. She wondered if Cass had ever given Darren photos, but that seemed too much like an invitation. Cass would never have invited him into their lives. She was happy as a single parent. They had their own language of looks, gestures and sounds.
Even now as she watched them, Cass bending down to zip up her daughter’s jacket, their heads seemed to tilt the same way, their voices matching each other in lilt and laughter. Vee’s mannerisms weren’t quite Cass, she was too open for all that, but there was that edge of overconfidence that was almost necessary in a kid, a way to make friends and survive. Most adults lost it, but Cass, somehow, retained it – a smile that suggested she knew best and she wouldn’t hear otherwise. It had always annoyed her, but now that feeling was merged with nostalgia.
But it was impossible to stay irritated surrounded by so much snow. Even when she’d been skiing with Darren, surrounded by his impossible workmates who masqueraded as their friends, it hadn’t dampened her enthusiasm. Snow was pure and bright, and immediately made her feel like a child again. And unlike back home, this snow wasn’t likely to end up a muddy grey mess by the end of the day, ruined by humans tracking through it.
They bundled up and walked through to the main dining hall, Vee chattering away about wolves and huskies and dogs, giving every possible fact that she could possibly fit into one breath. By the time they reached the dining hall, she seemed to have run out of things to say.
‘I’m not hungry, I want to do stuff!’ She clapped her hands, waddling across to the window and staring out with glee at the reindeer tied up at the side. ‘Look!’
Cass nudged Lauren with her sharp elbow. ‘Good call on this place. It’s made her so happy.’
‘And what about you?’
Cass smirked a little. ‘When have I ever been truly happy, babe? Not sure I’m cut out for that sort of thing. But I’m well enough.’
She strode off to the buffet bar, returning with plates of waffles, pancakes and fruit salad, assisted by a man who wasn’t wearing a name tag or uniform.
‘This lovely young man saw I was struggling and offered to help me carry the trays!’ Cass exclaimed as she sat, turning on the full force of her charm, meeting his eyes. ‘Thank you so much, it’s really appreciated.’
He sort of guffawed, shifting his weight from one leg to the other, as if waiting to be dismissed.
‘Thank you for your help,’ Cass repeated, the smile not wavering for a second, ‘maybe we’ll see you around the resort.’
With that, she turned her focus back to Vee, chatting with her about how you had to eat even when you were excited, and how she might faint from hunger on the husky ride if she didn’t have a few bites.
The young man hovered for a few moments more, Lauren meeting his eyes with a pitying smile. He left, turning on his heel and saying nothing. Even though her hair was shorter and her mini-me was at her side, there were some things about Cass that hadn’t changed. The ability to get what she needed from people and then drop them, for starters.
Hell, hadn’t that been how she convinced Lauren in the first place? This was what she wanted. A babysitter and carer on her final journey. And then, with perfect timing, she looked across the table with that shy smile, reaching out a hand to grab Lauren’s.
‘I’m so grateful you’re here, Loll. Vee, baby, aren’t you glad Auntie Loll came with us and organised all this stuff?’
Vee’s glowing look matched her mother’s. And of course, Lauren fell for it, the same way she always had.