‘Hello? Can you see me? I can’t see you.’
Paul’s voice was tinny over the laptop speaker, but eventually the black square came to life, and there he was with his beaming smile. ‘Well hello! Glad to see we have full attendance for today’s class.’
‘They told me I wasn’t allowed to play in the snow if they had to stay in and learn.’ Cass faux-pouted, then grinned, leaning her chin on her hand as she looked at the camera. ‘How are you?’
‘Good,’ Paul smiled, ‘not as good as you guys, off having an adventure. Are you having a good time, Veronica?’
‘Yes, Mr T,’ she sighed, looking out behind her at the snow, ‘but I was building a snow castle yesterday and then it snowed again so I have to start from scratch.’
‘Well now you have the opportunity to make a better one!’
Vee’s pout looked exactly like her mother’s, but hers was genuine. ‘Yes, but it was very tiring and I’m only little.’
Paul hid his smile behind a hand, picking up some files and putting them down for no reason. Lauren felt like he was grinning at her, even though there was no way that could be true. The screen was fuzzy as anything.
‘And how is Madam Secretary this morning?’ This, she assumed, was addressed to her. Paul had joked about her paperwork skills, her need to be precise, in control and have absolutely everything in triplicate. Which, when you were organising home schooling for a kid and had to get travel insurance for a dying woman … well, she was pretty sure it was a compliment.
‘Good, eager to get on the slopes,’ she always spoke too loudly on video calls. Why was she so awkward?
‘Ah, a snow bunny. Of course.’
What did that mean, exactly? Did she seem like the kind of person who skied in the winter? She’d always felt frightfully like she didn’t fit in with any of them when they’d gone on Darren’s trips. He’d make such a big deal of buying expensive drinks to be part of the après-ski, or choosing designer ski-wear that was mainly impractical. He desperately wanted to be part of that world, she realised now. He was searching as much as she was, pretending just as she had been.
As if she’d conjured him, her phone started ringing. Looking at the screen, she tilted her head up and shared a look with Cass. She apologised to Paul for the interruption and said she’d be right back. He probably wanted to talk to Cass anyway.
‘Hello?’
‘Finally, I’ve called a hundred times!’
She rolled her eyes, reaching out a fingertip to the glass window. ‘You called thirty-six times, don’t be dramatic. What do you need?’
‘You quit your job?’ Darren asked. ‘I just spoke with your boss and he said—’
‘Yes, I quit. It made me miserable so I quit.’
‘Well that’s not very grown-up, is it, Lauren?’
She barely held in the laugh. ‘That’s what you did with our marriage, didn’t you? It didn’t make you as happy as something else, so you quit. Why can’t I quit things?’
‘I got you that job. How do you think it looks—’
‘It looks like I don’t owe my soon-to-be ex-husband anything. And those people thought you were a moron. They called you Slime Ball and said you wore too much hair gel.’ She paused, thinking about it. ‘You do, by the way. Wear too much hair gel.’
Darren sighed, ‘Look, Lauren, I really think you should come home so we can do this properly, like adults.’
‘Ummm … no. Been an adult long enough. I didn’t get to have my post-studies gap year, and I’m having it now. Sold the house yet?’
‘The market’s not—’
‘Ooh,’ she hissed like a child, ‘lost your edge? I thought you could sell anything? Unless you’d rather move your mistress into our marital home? Because that’s fine, you just need to buy me out.’
‘I thought you didn’t care—’
‘I didn’t, but this phone call is boring and you’re pissing me off. Plus I happen to know how much money you sent to Cass over the years. I’m sure that wouldn’t go down well in court, would it? Siphoning off money to pay for your love child?’
‘Lauren, look, you’re above all that stuff with money, it doesn’t matter to you. But I—’
‘Need it to feel like a semi-decent human being?’ Lauren laughed, ‘Or are you worried your fiancée won’t stick around if you don’t have a tidy sum to spend on a spectacle of a wedding?’
Darren went silent, and she had to stop herself from asking if anyone was still there, as there was only vague breathing at the end of the line. When he did speak, his voice was quiet and dull. ‘Look, you never really loved me anyway. You never wanted to stay with me. You put up with me. So yeah, I’ve been a dick and I fell in love with someone else, in a way that I never loved you. But let’s not pretend I didn’t do us both a favour. You were just too much of a coward to leave.’
Rage bubbled up, hit the top of the pot … but disintegrated. He was right. He was a dickhead and a cheater and was so full of shit all the time, but he was right. Yet, on the other hand … ‘So I should be punished for showing loyalty?’
‘We should be set free, sweetheart, both of us. And I’m sure Cass is poisoning you against me every day you’re with her—’
‘We’ve had more important things to talk about,’ she cut him off, and noted he didn’t ask questions.
‘Look, just come home and we’ll talk. We’ll get it all sorted, and who knows, maybe we’ll even be friends. We were always good friends, weren’t we?’
Lauren wondered how she had ever been married to this man. He was either stupid or insane. Or she was, for never seeing it before. Never listening to Cass when she said he was more dangerous than dull. ‘You destroyed my relationship with my best friend. You lied, you made me believe … and now I’ve lost all this time for a man who didn’t love me anyway.’
‘Cass was bad for you. You were nervous and excitable, always running around after her, up and down. She put pressure on you to look after her, deal with her madness.’ He sounded so kind, suddenly, so much like the caring husband who always wanted to limit her pain, limit her fear. Keep things simple and greyscale and structured. ‘Just come home, and we’ll sort it out together.’
‘It’s not my home anymore,’ she said, and put the phone down. Let him call thirty-six more times if he needed to. Every time she spoke to him, she felt her backbone strengthening along with her resolve.
As much as Cass could be cruel and changeable, acting like her during these conversations was keeping Lauren strong. She was pretending not to be a pushover anymore. Cass had always brought that out in her, the belief that she was stronger than everyone else thought. Probably why Darren hated her so much. She made Lauren into Loll, and oh, how she’d missed being Loll.
When she walked back into the lodge area, Vee was writing in her workbook, her forehead incredibly close to the table as she leaned into the page, tongue poking out from the side of her mouth. The adult voices stopped abruptly.
Perhaps Cass was moaning about what a nightmare this was already, that it was a let-down. Maybe she was poisoning the well with Paul. She’d done that before, annoyed when someone paid Lauren a little too much attention, was a little too friendly. There were people who were hers, who were there to adore her. Getting distracted by her mousy friend was not the plan.
‘What are we talking about?’ she asked as she walked over.
‘How you’re getting divorced,’ Vee said without looking up from her writing. ‘That means when people aren’t married anymore because they’re not happy.’
‘That’s right, well done. What are you writing?’ Lauren slipped into the chair, shooting Cass a look. She made sure she stayed off camera, and felt a little relief. She could see him but he couldn’t see her.
‘Spellings. Mr T says when you spell well people know you’re smart.’
‘And then you can make a hundred copies of paperwork like your Aunt Loll.’ Cass shot her a smile, an apology. So they had been talking about her.
‘Well if you guys are studying, I’ll sit over here and do some work too,’ she said, taking herself over to the sofa. ‘Call if you need anything.’
It seemed strange, then, as if the room was suspended in time. Voices were quiet and Cass didn’t really say much after that, just sitting present as her daughter did her work. Lauren sat on her phone, typing in endless pointless web searches:
What to do with a law degree?
What to do with property knowledge?
Interesting jobs for lawyers.
Children and grief counselling.
The last one sat in the search box, the cursor blinking until she clicked Enter. She shouldn’t have been worrying about that yet, but Cass didn’t seem to be, and someone had to. If Cass had gone to therapy when her mother got sick, things might have been different. Maybe they would have still been friends.
She liked hearing Paul’s voice in the background, she realised. It was a comforting presence, knowing that Vee was well taken care of, that she would go back to school and not be behind, and everything would be well. Except, what happened when they went home? Would she hang around whilst Cass got worse? Was Vee meant to stay with Sandy or one of Cass’s lovely, but decidedly kooky, friends?
Cass had always lived in the moment, but dying wasn’t really the time for that. Lauren would have to decide whether she stayed there till the end, living in Blackpool, watching Cass disappear. She might become hateful, just as her mother had, wasting away and demanding no one see her.
But it would be worth it. To try to get back what they had, just for a little bit. To look at the woman who had shared her secrets and held her hand and told her she was wonderful. The only real friend she’d ever had. Even if sometimes she hated her. She would stay until this was all over. She would be brave for Cass, because she would do the same for her. The thought was terrifying.
Eventually, the lesson ended. Vee was given her homework, which she pulled a face at, but bore, writing it all down. She walked over to wave at the screen with the other two.
‘Thank you for agreeing to do this,’ Lauren said, knowing just how much he’d fought to protect Vee and her future, and how ardently he would have argued their case. It meant more work for him too, preparing all the work, taking time to do these extra lessons. But of course, men had done stupider things for Cassidy Jones.
‘Yes, I really appreciate it, darling.’ Cass shot her a look, as if she’d stolen her line. Oh, it was going to be another one of those days.
‘My absolute pleasure. Have a hot chocolate for me. I’ll miss you guys at the pub quiz.’
His face froze on the screen as they disconnected, that perpetual hopeful expression seasoned with the slightest shadow of worry. Today he was wearing a dark blue jumper, and Lauren tried to ignore how it made his eyes alarmingly bright.
‘Okay, snow time.’ Lauren clapped her hands together.
‘You know, you guys go,’ Cass said suddenly, eyes wide and innocent. ‘I’m not feeling that great.’
‘You keep saying that!’ Vee said seriously, tugging on her hand.
‘What, I can’t keep feeling unwell?’ Cass snorted, ‘I wish that were the case, munchkin.’
Lauren didn’t know what to do – step in and defend Cass, take her daughter skiing and avoid any complications? Except Cass had done this before. Sat out of the race because she felt hard done by. It was never selfless, it was always to put a damp towel on the party so no one else could enjoy it too. She should grow a backbone though, just like Cass said.
‘Okay then, Vee, shall we go ski?’
The little girl froze, still holding onto Cass’s hand. ‘I … no, I think I want to snowboard with Cassy.’
‘Vee …’ Cass shook her head, but Lauren wondered if her eyes shone with success instead of tiredness.
‘Okay, I’m going to go then. I’ll see you guys later.’ Lauren walked off too slowly, pathetic in how much she wanted them to stop her going.
‘Loll,’ Cass stood, walking over, the hollows of her eyes suddenly more prominent as she whispered, ‘this wasn’t a play, babe. I don’t feel safe going out on the slopes, my legs are jelly from yesterday and all I want to do is sleep without worrying that I’m ruining her holiday. Take her for me, please.’
‘You’re sure? You’re not going to turn around the minute I say yes and accuse me of trying to steal your daughter?’
Cass laughed, a solid laugh that took up space and reverberated, rather than fizzling into thin air.
‘God, it’s good to be around someone who really knows me.’
That sounded like a blessing, so they headed out, Cass waving at them with a smile plastered on her face.
They stood on the nursery slope, Vee bundled up safe from both weather and falls, and Lauren tried to share what she knew. She secretly wished there was someone to take a photo of them together in this moment, as she held Vee’s hand and guided her down the hill. There weren’t too many people on the slope yet, and gradually becoming accustomed to the swishing, curving movement of the skis, Veronica looked up at her and grinned, arms out in celebration.
‘I did it!’
‘You’re amazing!’ Lauren exclaimed as she caught her.
How lovely, to be able to tell kids the truth. To have someone you could be honest with, at least in your feelings. You’re wonderful, you’re amazing, I’m so glad you’re here, you’re so much fun, I’m so impressed by you. Those compliments were reserved for lovers, good friends, and children. Children seemed to thrive on them, growing towards kind words like the sun.
Lauren started to trust herself, that she wouldn’t see Darren’s judgement peering out of Veronica’s eyes, because how could she be like him? She was so completely herself.
After an hour or so, they retreated to the café by the gondola entrance for sustenance, sweaty and aching with the effort of holding themselves up.
‘That was so much fun!’ Vee said, watching carefully as Lauren stirred the hot chocolate three times clockwise, followed by three times anticlockwise. She nodded as it was presented to her, a queen giving her approval.
‘It really was!’ Lauren sipped at her hot chocolate, closing her eyes. God, it was good to enjoy things. To savour simple pleasures that weren’t designed to make you forget or disappear, or even survive. Things that existed just to be enjoyed. ‘So, are you excited about seeing Santa this afternoon?’
Vee shrugged, a little smile on her face. She swirled the straw around in her hot chocolate, licking the cream. ‘I don’t know. What if he can’t give me what I wish for?’
‘Well, he’s not a genie, sweetheart, but if there’s something you want for next Christmas, I’m sure he’ll try really hard to make it happen.’
Vee frowned. ‘Who do you think Santa asks when he wants things?’
‘Himself, I suppose.’
‘That must be good.’
They sat slurping their drinks, but something didn’t feel right to Lauren. She wasn’t sure if it was meant to be her job to probe a little further, or whether Cass would want her to wait.
‘You know if there’s something you want from Santa, you can ask me too? I’ll see what I can do.’
Vee laughed, a flash of pity in her eyes, as if this silly adult really didn’t understand. ‘Thanks, Auntie Loll, but you’re not magic.’
That much Lauren had to agree with.
The afternoon was not as tense as the morning, with a bundled-up Cass coming out to meet them for lunch, cheering on Vee from the base of the mountain as she showed off her new skills.
‘I’m glad you took her,’ she said quietly to Lauren, standing by her side. ‘I know I don’t make it easy.’
‘Where would be the fun in that?’ Lauren replied.
Cass reached for her hand, taking her back to their early twenties, huddled together under covers, watching movies, talking about how their lives would be. ‘Really, Loll. It means so much. Not just for you to help with Vee, but for you to be here. It’s exhausting trying to be who everyone else thinks I am. You’re the only person who ever knew the truth.’
‘That you can be a grouchy bitch?’ It was the kind of thing she would have said back then, and it fell from her lips before she could think.
Cass beamed at her. ‘Exactly. Exactly!’
They sat down to a simple lunch, watching in horror as surrounding tables got the Rudolph Special, a reindeer burger with a bright glacé cherry speared through the top of the golden bun. They tried to distract Vee, sensing their animal lover would be distraught.
Lauren took photos and they laughed into their sandwiches and told snowman jokes. It was what she’d hoped their holiday would be. Cass and Lauren each ordered a beer, and they arrived in huge glass tankards that Cass struggled to lift. Even that made them laugh.
They talked about their last night in Finland, and how tomorrow they would play in the snow before leaving for their flight. Cass was determined that she’d go down the mountain in a rubber ring. Nothing was going to stop her.
Lauren watched as Vee started to twitch with agitation, desperate in her need to see Santa Claus. She had been so incredibly patient, but now the adults were taking too long to finish their huge drinks, and she really wanted to go.
She led the way, Lauren and Cass bumbling behind, strangely euphoric from the beer. They staggered along in the snow behind her, clinging to each other in support. There had been more laughter that afternoon than there had been in the whole time since they had reappeared into each other’s lives. Lauren holding onto Cass as they tried not to fall was so reminiscent of uni days, rambling back home after the club, that it physically hurt. The nostalgia was a living, breathing shard sitting in her chest. It was too easily disturbed by laughter and lightness.
They heard Vee’s squeak of delight and grinned at each other, the darkness falling around them as she called out, ‘Hurry up, look!’
When the adults turned the corner, they could see why she was beside herself. Santa’s lodge was a twinkly wonderland, lit up across a little bridge over a frozen river. It looked like every kid’s dream – the warmth of the room inside was clear through the windows, all red fabric and a huge Christmas tree with presents piled up underneath.
A young woman dressed as an elf stepped outside to greet them, bending down to Vee’s level.
‘You must be Veronica! Are you ready to see Santa?’
Vee nodded seriously, her eyes suddenly huge.
Lauren and Cass followed her in, phones at the ready to capture each moment of glee on the little girl’s face.
They sat across the room at a table, and sipped at hot apple cider whilst Vee approached a very convincing Father Christmas, rotund and red faced as he shuffled in his chair. His smile was kind, and he leaned in as Vee spoke to him quietly. Cass and Lauren shared a moment of comfortable silence, watching this person they adored look so happy.
‘And what would you like for Christmas, Veronica?’ the man intoned in his soft accent.
They watched Vee blink as one of the elves took a photograph.
‘Christmas is a long time away, so can I have my present early? I’ll be very, very, very good!’
Santa nodded thoughtfully, stroking his beard. ‘Well, tell me what it is, and I’ll see what I can do.’
She looked over at Cass and Lauren, then leaned in, whispering into the old man’s ear. His eyes widened, and his beard twitched slightly. Lauren noticed how the corners of his eyes turned down, as if he was struggling for composure. He stared at Cass, then at her, then back to Vee.
‘Oh, Veronica, I don’t know if I can control that,’ he said softly, patting her arm. ‘Is there anything else you would like?’
Vee looked lost, searching for something beyond the room, an idea she could grab at.
‘Well … maybe you could send me my daddy? Can you find him?’
Her nonchalant tone made the women blink, and the old man looked even more surprised.
‘I’m sure I must have a daddy somewhere, Santa, so maybe you could find him. I don’t mind waiting until Christmas for that though.’ She nodded resolutely, back straight.
The old man seemed to collapse in on himself. ‘Are you sure you wouldn’t like something else? A lovely new bike, or some other toy?’
‘Oh no, Santa, I’m having adventures with my mum and auntie. We can’t pack much.’
Lauren felt her heart clasp and creak as if someone was trying to open it with a crowbar. Poor little Vee.
‘Really, Veronica, I think you should have this present,’ Santa insisted, trying to hand it over to her. ‘If you don’t want to take it, you can give it to someone else you think might like it.’
Vee nodded. ‘Okay, thank you.’
She took the present, and smiled. Just as she started to walk towards her grown-ups, the elf suddenly thrust another present into her hands. ‘Take this one too, please. Elves like to give gifts as well.’
The young woman looked heartbroken as she smiled at Vee, handing her another box wrapped in green paper with a huge red bow.
Vee smiled and shrugged, thanking her politely as she struggled to carry the parcels over to the adults. Cass said nothing about what they’d overheard, and Lauren felt obligated to fill the silence, the strange stiffness that suddenly existed between them.
‘Shall we go and feed the reindeer?’ She injected a cheery tone into her voice.
‘Yes, please,’ Vee said, smiling as if nothing was amiss. ‘Can you hold my present?’
Cass took one of the presents from her and took her daughter’s hand, following after Lauren as she led them out into the snow.
‘Thank you!’ the elf cried out from behind them, her squawk echoing through the chilled air.
The reindeer were around the back of the lodge, and Vee’s previous questions seemed to be forgotten as she beamed at the creatures, asking their handler about them and feeding them carrots and apples. Cass took photographs on autopilot, smiling blandly and saying nothing.
She had asked about her father.
Lauren wondered how those conversations had gone before, if Cass had been her typical self and simply refused to talk about it. If she’d lied and been kind, or told some twisted version of the truth.
It was more likely she’d played a careful game of misdirection and distraction, until her daughter was too exhausted to ask again, and she could pretend all was well.
They ate a simple dinner in the resort restaurant, subconsciously plying Veronica with anything she might want. Yes, of course you can have that huge burger you’ll never finish. Yes, you can order dessert. Of course, you can have a fizzy drink, even though it’ll make you crazy caffeinated and you won’t sleep.
They shared a bottle of wine, and Cass drank more quickly than usual. She held up her side of the conversation, but luckily, Veronica was distracted enough by her presents. As much as she wasn’t a child invested in having things, there was so much joy in the fact that not only did this come from Santa, but the elf thought she was such a good girl she should have another present. Lauren kept up a constant stream of babble as Vee opened the presents and exclaimed in delight.
The first was a toy husky, its white fur fluffy and its bright blue eyes like marbles. Vee immediately clasped it to her chest and yipped in delight. ‘Look! A wolf!’
‘What will you call it?’
She pouted as she considered, ‘Storm.’
‘Good name,’ Cass offered, the barest twitch of a smile though her mind was clearly elsewhere.
‘What’s the other one?’
The strangely shaped box was opened to reveal a small turquoise ukulele. Lauren turned to Cass with a grin. ‘Do you remember?’
Cass’s smile, finally, shone through, suddenly authentic. She nodded.
‘Do you still have it?’
She shook her head. ‘I don’t think so. It got lost somewhere along the way.’
‘What is this?’ Vee plucked a string. ‘A tiny guitar?’
‘It’s called a ukulele, your mum used to play,’ Lauren said with a smile. ‘Maybe she’ll teach you.’
Vee’s eyes lit up with a hopefulness that even Cass couldn’t say no to.
‘We’ll have a go when we get back to the lodge, see if I can remember anything.’
‘I’ll see if I can find any videos of your mum playing,’ Lauren said with a grin. ‘I’m sure I at least have a picture somewhere.’
She wondered what happened to all those photos and videos. An entire lifetime of her face pressed close to Cass’s, too much make-up to hide the splotchy skin, flushed with booze and excitement. She hoped they were still somewhere. Not just in that box under the bed, but in the ether, in the cloud. It had been hard to look at them when she went online, which was why she’d shut down her social media account back then. She didn’t really have time for it anyway. She didn’t have friends from uni she needed to impress with her wedding pics. She didn’t have an ultrasound to put as her profile picture, a constant update with what kind of fruit her baby was now. She’d justified that it was all fake anyway, that real friends phoned and visited, but the truth was that there had only been Cass, like a shining sun, and without her it was clear she had neglected the chance to make other friends. Social media was excellent at making you look busy but feel lonely.
That night in the lodge, the tension had lifted slightly. Cass sat on the bed in the centre of the room, leg tucked under her as she played the ukulele. A strand of blonde hair fell across her face, and she kept blowing it out of the way. Her fingers looked bony but strong.
Vee sat curled into her side, resting her fingertips on her mother’s thigh as she watched the strings, paying avid attention to the way her fingers moved across the frets. Cass half hummed, half sang, a tune that came and went. Her voice wasn’t the best; it had a jangling quality to it, as if someone was shaking a bird mid-warble. But it was pleasant and sweet, the sharp bursts of song in between silence.
Lauren went to take a picture but stopped, instead videoing the moment. Capturing the sounds and the movement as Vee looked up at her mother, with Cass smiling to herself and fiddling with strings … it felt necessary. She was the safeguard. The memory keeper.
God, some things would only exist between her and Cass soon enough. Their truths would become her truths when Cass was gone. How lonely, to carry all your memories alone. Leaving them open to time to change how you remember.
Vee wriggled off the bed and climbed into Lauren’s lap, her legs digging into Lauren’s thighs as she added her own weight to the chair. She took over the role of camerawoman and took the phone, directing it at Cass and zooming so far in only her face was visible, that hair falling forward, a halo of soft golden light from the side light behind her.
Lauren dared not move, feeling an immense sense of loss as Veronica sat on her lap as if she’d been doing it since was a child. Maybe she had, but with someone else.
Cass looked up from strumming and smiled at the camera, before pulling a funny face.
‘Cassy, you ruined it!’ Vee laughed, ending the video, and handed the phone back to Lauren.
Silence settled like a breath in. Waiting.
‘Pumpkin, why did you ask Santa about finding your daddy?’ Cass asked gently, eyes on her fingertips as they danced around the frets, rather than on her daughter.
‘Because Santa didn’t think he could give me my other wish,’ Vee wriggled uncomfortably on Lauren’s lap, fiddling with the fraying edge of her jumper.
‘And what was that?’ Lauren gave the little girl a brief squeeze.
‘I wanted Santa to make sure Cassy is with me next Christmas, but he said he couldn’t promise,’ her bottom lip started wobbling. ‘If Cassy isn’t here … who’s going to look after me?’
Cass’s tears were sudden, loud and noisy, her cry like an explosion that she desperately tried to muffle, her hands over her face to hide it. She immediately tried to compose herself, struggling to breathe as she snuffled and snorted into her hands.
Lauren looked down at Vee, who stared up at her in shock. ‘I made her cry.’
‘It’s okay,’ she cuddled her, trying to make her voice soothing, when really, she quite wanted to cry as well, ‘adults get upset too sometimes.’
Vee jumped off her lap and ran over to Cass, struggling to hug her as she curled in on herself, shuddering as she tried to breathe.
‘I’m sorry, Cassy … Mummy, I’m sorry.’ Vee stroked her mother’s hair like she was a distressed pet, and looked at Lauren in anguish before reaching for her new husky toy. ‘You can have Storm? Storm will look after you and keep you safe. Cassy, don’t cry.’
Cass’s breathing slowed and she opened an arm to let her daughter into her embrace. Vee still held the fluffy toy and held it up in offering. Cass rested her head on her daughter’s, eyes still closed as she tried to breathe.
‘I’m sorry, sweetheart, I didn’t mean to scare you. Everything’s fine.’ She took a few more breaths, rocking side to side a little as she rubbed her cheek against Vee’s. She wiped her cheeks as she pulled back, extricating herself so she could kneel down in front of her daughter.
‘I’m sorry I can’t stay. You know if I could, I would stay here with you all the days of your life. I don’t want to miss any of your adventures. I want to see every part of your wonderful life,’ she stroked Vee’s cheek with her thumb. ‘But you have to know you will be well looked after by people who love you. I would never let you be alone, you know? I would never let you be lonely or scared.’
Vee’s little face was brave as she looked down at her husky toy, stroking the soft fur.
‘You believe me, don’t you, Vee? You know I’d never lie to you?’
Her daughter nodded, and Cass rewarded her with a kiss on the cheek.
‘So, if you don’t have to worry about being looked after, do you still care about having a dad?’
Vee shrugged with one shoulder. ‘I don’t know. Samira says her dad sits on the sofa and yells at the TV, and Jess says her dad farts all the time.’
Cass shared a look of amusement with Lauren. ‘Well then, you see? You have so many people who love you, you don’t need a big fart monster, do you?’
Vee paused. ‘… No.’
‘And Lee has his two mummies, doesn’t he? And Nathan has his daddy and his nana, and Elise is raised by her grandparents, isn’t she?’ Cass continued, desperation suddenly ringing in her voice. ‘And I never had a daddy, and I turned out okay.’
Vee nodded, but there was some niggling doubt hanging around behind her eyes, as if she wanted to be told a happy ending to a story that probably didn’t have one.
‘But … I have a daddy?’
Cass closed her eyes in defeat. ‘I don’t know how to talk to you about this, baby girl. He … he wasn’t a very nice man. He wasn’t an evil, bad man, but he wasn’t someone who would be a good daddy.’
Lauren shifted in her chair, feeling suddenly overwhelmed. Darren. Darren knew she’d existed and never cared enough to do anything about it. Darren, who made up part of her, who had helped create her.
‘But he gave me you, which was very nice of him, really, wasn’t it?’ Cass smiled, nudging her daughter.
‘But …’
Cass sighed and held up a hand. ‘Okay, look, I’m gonna make a deal with you. Or rather, your Auntie Loll is going to make a deal. When you get to eighteen, if you still really want to meet your dad, Loll will make it happen, okay?’ She looked at Lauren with a peculiar kind of apology in her eyes. ‘Right?’
Lauren nodded, ‘Sure, okay.’
God, what had she promised now? That her life would be forever tied to Darren’s, just like it was to Cass’s? She’d always be between them, even when Cass was gone. Her and Veronica, stuck in the middle. At least she wasn’t alone anymore.
Vee looked satisfied at last and smiled, sighing deeply so that all the tension seemed to run out of her little arms. Her eyes flitted beyond the adults to the front of the lodge, and she pointed. ‘Woah. Rory-Bory-Alice.’
They shuffled to the bed at the front of the lodge, lying back and looking up. Veronica was squidged in the middle, wriggling to accommodate Storm, who had become a regular member of the family, it seemed.
‘Woah,’ Lauren said, watching as the colours in the sky seemed to fizz with life and vibrancy.
‘Woah,’ Vee repeated, her eyes huge and desperate to take it all in.
‘Yeah,’ Cass whispered, looking at her daughter. ‘Woah.’
*
Lauren woke suddenly, a sharp pain in her neck making her gasp. The Northern Lights still hovered in the sky and she looked to her left to find Vee and Cass still in her bed. Cass looked up from her sleeping daughter, splayed at odd angles between them, and smiled.
‘Hi,’ she whispered, stroking Vee’s hair.
‘Hi.’
Lauren shuffled, suddenly uncomfortable. All those years of sharing a bed, sharing mascara and cans of cider and everything else seemed very far away.
‘I’m sorry I sucked you in to the promise about you-know-who,’ Cass whispered.
‘Did you mean it? After everything, you’d let him near her?’
‘If she still wants that then, let her. Eighteen is old enough to be disappointed. I wish I’d known my father, even if he was a bastard. I would have liked the opportunity to decide that for myself.’
Lauren thought of her own father, his softly spoken words and warm hugs. His love language was food, a generational hangover from her abuela. When Lauren had been lost, or sad, or overwhelmed, her dad had been there, offering her tortilla, or Padrón peppers, or chunks of watermelon.
‘It’ll will all be okay in the end, Ardillita, if it’s not, then it’s not over yet,’ he used to say, ruffling her hair.
It was hard to imagine Darren being like that with a child. As much as she’d wished for it during their marriage, tried to convince herself it was possible, there was a blank space in her mind.
‘Maybe he’ll be different by then anyway.’ Lauren shuffled closer, turning on her side.
Cass snorted gently. ‘You don’t change, do you, Loll? Always believing the best in people. That’s good, though. I hope Vee’s like that too. You get hurt more, but it makes you a better person.’
‘By the time she reaches eighteen, she won’t be bothered anymore. She’ll have learnt how people can be,’ Lauren offered.
‘Maybe. But it should be her choice. I can’t protect her.’
They sat in silence for a while, looking at the sleeping girl between them, how she stuck out her bottom lip in exhaustion, the stuffed toy grasped in a tightly clenched fist.
‘How did he react when you told him?’ Lauren asked. Yes, it was so long ago it barely mattered, but somehow it still mattered to her.
‘I didn’t, really,’ Cass sighed, eyes on Vee as if worried she might wake. ‘I sent you a letter, telling you. Apologising to you.’ She tried to sidestep it as quickly as she could. ‘Nothing came, not for a while. I just thought you were mad and didn’t want to know.
‘A few weeks later he calls me and says you two have talked it over and you want me to … get rid of it.’
Lauren blinked. ‘I never got a letter.’
‘Well yeah, I know that now,’ Cass snorted. ‘So anyway, I packed my bags, sold Mum’s house, decided I had always wanted to live near the seaside, and off I went.’
Lauren tried to find a way to ask the question, almost feeling guilty as she looked at the beautiful child lying there. ‘And you didn’t think … you didn’t … I mean you weren’t very maternal. You didn’t want kids, so why …?’
‘Why did I go through with it when anyone could have told you I was incredibly selfish and would make a terrible mother?’ Cass smiled to herself. ‘I know, I thought the same thing. And the truth is, my reasons were selfish.’
‘You wanted someone? You were on your own after your mum?’ Lauren tried to imagine what it was like to be Cass back then, broken and grieving for her mother, without any friends, realising she was pregnant. She’d been a mess during that time, a drunken screaming banshee half the time, a malevolent spirit the rest. Her life was garbage, everyone else had everything worked out, nothing was good enough, no one cared. The few people she’d strung along over the years, suddenly seeing her without the charm, dropped her. People stopped returning her texts or calls. Even the bartenders in her favourite pubs wouldn’t serve her anymore, knowing how much abuse they’d be subjected to if she turned on them again.
Lauren had spent so many nights picking Cass up from bars, trying to look after her, finding her passed out in club toilets. But she was doing her post-grad, and exams had started and everything got that bit harder. Trying to love Cass whilst she hissed insults and drunken comments became too difficult. The voice in her head that always told her she was worthless had started to sound like Cass.
She was a genius at a well-timed barb – she knew how to hit you at your weakest point. It was instinct. She spat poison back then and hit the mark every time.
‘It’s a shame,’ Cass said suddenly, looking at her daughter with so much love that Lauren felt an ache in her chest. ‘You were just starting to like me again, and now I have to tell you something that’ll make you judge me.’
Then why tell me? Lauren thought desperately, wanting to hold on to this moment of quiet underneath a memorable sky. This journey was about healing, not about breaking things further.
‘The BRCA gene, I knew I had it when Mum died. Towards the end when she was cruel and angry and out of her mind on painkillers, she said I’d know how she felt, that it was a curse she’d passed on to me.’ Cass tried to shrug it off. ‘I was so terrified of dying back then, Loll, you have no idea. I was sad about Mum and I felt lonely, but more than anything I was scared of dying the way she did – early, and angry and bitter that she had to leave.’
‘You don’t feel like that now?’
‘I haven’t reached that point yet, but I’m hoping this will help’ – she gestured around her – ‘this trip, getting this time with Vee, with you. Getting to feel like I’m doing and seeing things I always wanted to. Seeing my Uncle Jack again too. I want to feel like I’m going out on a high, rather than wasting away and becoming invisible.’
Lauren nodded, impressed by her attitude.
‘I know I’ve been unkind and cranky, I’m trying not to be,’ Cass said.
‘You get a few passes. Besides, I haven’t been great either. We’re learning how to be with each other again,’ Lauren replied, then paused. ‘Why would any of that make me judge you?’
‘You know two of the things that can limit the risk of cancer when you have that gene?’ Cass stroked Vee’s hair gently, eyes roving her face for confirmation she was asleep. ‘Pregnancy and breast-feeding.’
There was silence whilst Lauren tried to figure out what she was saying. And then suddenly, she understood.
Cassidy Jones never changed. She always did what was best for her.
‘You had a child because you thought it would stop you dying?’ Lauren hissed.
‘See, I knew you’d be judgemental. Why do you think people have children, Loll? To stop themselves dying. To make sure their legacy lives on. To see themselves, but better, stronger, younger, full of possibility. To have someone to look after them in old age. I’m not subjecting Veronica to that, at least,’ she snorted.
‘That’s not why people have children!’ Lauren huffed.
‘Because society tells them to, because of pressure from their mothers, because they hate their jobs? Because they love that other person so much they want to see their features shared?’ Cass laughed gently, shaking her head. ‘To trap someone in a relationship or a marriage? To get benefits or move up the housing ladder. There are more reasons than you’d think, Loll, and most of them are crap.’
‘Well, okay then, if you’re such an expert on the human condition, what are the good reasons?’
‘There’s only one,’ Cass said, shaking her head. ‘Because you want them so much it hurts not to have them.’
Lauren felt that recognition like a punch in the gut, and almost physically recoiled. She rolled onto her back and stared up at the green and purple hues of the sky, not sure of what to say.
‘I love her, Loll. You must see that,’ Cass sighed. ‘She’s the most perfect thing I’ve ever done. The way things begin doesn’t mean that’s the way they end up.’
‘Just like you and me,’ Lauren said, unable to move, and yet unable to leave.