‘That was ’mazing, wasn’t it ’mazing?’ Vee said, so sleepy she wobbled against them, each adult holding a hand.
‘Yes, yes it was. I think we need to get Aunt Loll wearing some of those polka dots and bright colours, get her out of her funk.’ Cass was back to being herself, it seemed, perked up by sleep and a good show. Her cheeks were flushed and there was something behind her eyes that looked like a scheme. Lauren recognised that look.
‘What are you up to?’
‘Updating your fashion sense, darling,’ Cass winked. ‘Nothing wrong with that, is there?’
Lauren shrugged, relieved that Vee was too tired to jump on the bandwagon.
When they reached the hotel, Nuria was gone, her son sitting behind the reception desk in her place, a bored look on his face as he scrolled through his phone.
‘Buenas noches,’ he called out to them as they walked up the stairs. Cass didn’t turn around, leaving Lauren to nod awkwardly back at him.
Vee conked out in her bed, they sat having a drink on the sofa, some of the wine Nuria had left in the room for them.
‘You still angry at me? For having her?’ Cass asked, carefully stretching out her legs and sighing.
‘I’m not angry about that, that’s not what …’ Lauren shook her head. ‘I’m just angry, okay? I’m angry about everything. You and me, and her, and him and everything.’
‘Do you think maybe you’re angry about the wrong things?’
Lauren rolled her eyes. ‘I think I’m making up for years of not being able to be angry because you weren’t there. You’re the only person who lets me be angry.’
‘Yeah, sorry I wasn’t there, kinda busy raising a child, trying to stay alive.’ Cass stuck out her tongue.
‘Some days there’s no point us talking.’
Cass laughed. ‘Well, your some days are going to be all days soon enough. May as well talk to me whilst I’m still around.’
‘Oh, don’t use the dying card, you’re better than that.’
‘Exploiting what I have to get what I want, no matter how emotionally manipulative? It’s like you don’t even know me,’ Cass laughed, sticking her tongue out like a child.
Before she could stop herself, Lauren laughed. It escaped like a bubble, popping when it hit the air.
‘You know, one of the hundred things I’m angry about is that I treated life like it didn’t matter if I threw it away. I settled and plodded and didn’t wait for the big stuff. I pretended and made it look like a life.’
‘Everyone does,’ Cass said, downing the last of her wine.
‘You don’t. You didn’t.’
‘No, I did the opposite. I destroyed it.’
‘No, you didn’t, Cass. You took something selfish and you made it selfless.’ Lauren downed the last of her wine and stood up, more than ready to sleep. Cass evidently wasn’t ready for that. ‘I’m sorry I keep being awful. I just … I want to yell at everyone, and you’re unlucky enough to be here.’
‘Hey, I deserve it. And if we’ve worked through your years of unexpressed rage by the end of this trip, I will crown myself a miracle worker.’ Cass smiled with such affection that Loll’s chest hurt a little.
‘Do you remember when we went on that roller-coaster when we bunked off lectures? That day when you panicked and wanted to be let off?’
‘And you came with me, even though you really wanted to go on it?’ Lauren replied, struggling to follow the conversation. ‘Yeah.’
Cass’s eyes were focused on the wall. ‘I’ve been dreaming about that lately. Over and over. Sometimes I make you stay on, and once it starts, we zoom through the air holding hands and you laugh, so happy that you took a risk. Maybe I should have pushed you. That’s what I always used to do.’
‘I’m glad you didn’t. I felt like I was going to die,’ Lauren said, then winced. Bad choice of words.
‘The last few days it’s changed, the dream. We’re still on the roller-coaster, but you get out and I carry on alone.’ Cass took a shuddering breath, shaking her head. ‘There’s no laughter in that one, just darkness as the track goes into a tunnel.’
‘And then what happens?’
‘Nothing. Nothing happens. And it’s terrifying.’
Lauren sat down again, trying to find something comforting to say. Trying to find a way to tell her that everything would be all right, the same way she had done for her for all those years. But she’d be lying. And Cass had never lied.
‘I’m here, Cass. You’re not alone. I’m not getting off the ride.’ She put her hand on Cass’s, feeling the tendons and bone. Still as pale as ever, her dark nail varnish chipped. She pressed her thumb into the centre of Cass’s palm.
‘It’s not the same. I know it’s my fault. I broke it and it won’t ever be the same.’ She sounded like Veronica, a sad child with a broken toy, her words slurring ever so slightly.
Lauren was taken back to those times that she cried in Cass’s lap whilst she stroked her hair. A bad grade that wasn’t so bad, a boy who snubbed her, a cutting remark from her mother. All those things that felt like the end of the world, but didn’t matter at all. Cass had been there. All of that wasn’t undone because of what came later. One moment didn’t destroy a history. But it changed it.
‘Maybe it doesn’t have to be the same,’ Lauren said gently. ‘Maybe it can be something new.’
Cass nodded, head lowered, but said nothing. It was too late for all that.
Lauren felt gravity pressing down on her, until it was hard to stand straight. The wine had flooded her fingertips and made her fuzzy.
There had been too much thinking and talking and breathing. Something about the primal looks on the faces of the flamenco dancers had disturbed her. It had made her feel uneasy. Add to that Cass’s regret and Darren’s lack thereof, well, she was exhausted. She was stuck between these two people who had claimed to love her. She was left hoping that at least one of them was telling the truth.
‘What about Darren?’
‘What about him?’ Lauren shrugged, wanting to push the idea of him away, cauterise the wound so it couldn’t keep bleeding. ‘He’s an arsehole. He’s a liar.’
‘Terribly good timing, babe,’ Cass said, and she turned back to look at her. Cass’s eyes were unyielding, as if she refused to look away, refused to lose whatever challenge she’d set herself.
‘What is?’
‘Making me into a martyr before I die.’
*
The next morning, she awoke to the sound of singing. Vee’s to be precise. Her sweet little voice was tremulous but determined as she plucked at her ukulele. She was singing ‘You Are My Sunshine’ and Lauren’s heart expanded even before she entered the room.
‘Knock knock,’ she said, tapping the door with her knuckles. ‘Do you need another audience member?’
She peered around and saw Cass still lying in bed, lounging with a small smile.
‘You okay?’
She nodded but her smile was strained.
‘Need painkillers?’
‘Taken them,’ she said, ‘but I could kill for some breakfast.’
‘Ooh, I want some breakfast, I want some breakfast …’ Vee sang along to the same tune, ‘it makes me happy, in my belly. You’ll never know, dear, how I love breakfast, so don’t take my breakfast away.’
The adults clapped and whooped, and as Lauren was about to return to her room to get dressed, her phone buzzed.
‘Oh, we’ve got a lesson with Paul in ten minutes! I forgot! Some organiser I am. I mean, he trusted me to be responsible for this and I—’
Cass rolled her eyes. ‘Chill, would you? You can’t panic about everything. Paul won’t mind, no one cares, people forget stuff. Relax.’
Her voice was sharp and irritated, like there was no place for this version of Lauren. She needed her to be better than that. Needed her not to be a boring worrier who overthought everything.
‘Look, I’ll sort out the munchkin and get everything set up. You go get us some breakfast from the buffet and bring it back,’ Cass raised an eyebrow like she was expecting an argument. ‘No stress, no worry, just everyone working together to make sure this little noggin is educated.’
She pretended to knock on Vee’s head. ‘Don’t want this staying empty, do we? Need to fill it with all sorts of equations and learny stuff.’
As she walked down the corridor to the lift, Lauren wondered if she would have made a bad mum if everything had worked out as she’d planned. Being scared and worried all the time was exhausting enough when it was just about you. Having the fear of damaging someone else, being responsible for their pain and unhappiness? It was almost unfathomable how much that might have destroyed her. How she’d spiral under the pressure. She’d barely been able to manage her studies without destroying herself.
By the time she returned to the room, struggling to carry a tray piled high with fruit, yoghurt, croissants, cheese, ham and toast, the lesson was in session.
‘Here she is!’ Paul’s voice rang out warmly through the speaker, and she put down the food so she could wave at the screen.
‘Went on a run for sustenance,’ she said, watching as Cass ripped a croissant in half and stuffed it into her mouth, sighing with relief.
‘I hear you forgot about me this morning – I’m hurt!’ Paul’s voice was cheerful, but Lauren looked to Cass in betrayal.
‘Oh, don’t worry, darling, no matter how hurt you are, it won’t compare to Loll’s pain. She’ll hold onto this moment for years, telling herself how awful she is. Until she can be distracted by something else to worry about.’
No one knew what to say after that, so Lauren excused herself to have her breakfast out on the balcony, pretending not to be upset. She wished she’d brought a book. Instead she was stuck sitting with her feelings, when she couldn’t trust her brain to not drag the darkest thoughts in her arsenal out into the light. It wasn’t fun.
When the lesson was over, and she ventured back in, Paul tried to catch her attention, asking her about the trip, what her favourite bits had been, what they were planning that day. Like trying to get answers from a child, he offered her too much gentleness – he pitied her, she could tell. Another man blinded by the sun from Cass’s smile, putting up with her along the way.
She cut him short, explaining they had to get on, and he probably had classes of his own to get back to. Paul recoiled, just a little, those light eyes showing surprise before he covered it.
‘Okay, well, I’ll talk to you guys in a little while, and I’ll send over some more homework. It’s a good thing Veronica is so brainy or we’d have to do more sessions.’
‘Who knows where she gets that from,’ Lauren said, thinking of Darren. Paul frowned at her, and she shrugged. Right. Don’t insult the dying woman.
He signed off, and Vee looked up at her. ‘We can go have adventures now, right?’
Lauren nodded. ‘Let’s go see if your mum’s ready.’
When they walked into the bedroom, Cass was back in bed. She stretched and rolled, looking at them.
‘I’m not feeling so great anymore,’ she said. ‘Why don’t you go on without me today? I’ll get my rest and be ready for this evening.’
‘But …’ Vee blinked at her, ‘you’ll miss stuff.’
‘You go find the best places and then you can show me them tomorrow. Sometimes I’m going to need to rest on this trip, baby, I’m sorry. It’s just how it is.’
The look of abject disappointment on the little girl’s face almost broke Lauren’s heart.
‘And you,’ Cass looked at her. ‘No panicking. You can look after her, she’s fine. Nothing’s going to happen.’
‘You’ll call us if you feel worse and we need to go to hospital? I’ve got the name of the recommended doctor and it won’t take long if you want to get checked—’
‘How is that not panicking?’
‘It’s planning, it’s different.’
Cass sighed like a teenager. ‘Fine, okay, I’ll call if I need you. Go take lots of pictures and have fun!’
Whilst Vee was getting her sparkly ladybird backpack together, Lauren leaned over until her lips almost touched Cass’s earlobes. ‘If you think this is it, don’t send her away now without getting the chance to say goodbye.’
She pulled back, and waited. Cass looked straight up at the ceiling, unmoving, until she suddenly beckoned with two crooked fingers. Lauren moved forward again and Cass clutched her arm.
‘Loll, if this is to be my final moment, I need to tell you …’ She made her hands into a cone and yelled, ‘Stop being so fucking dramatic!’